True Colours

I don't know how to start this post.  I've pondered whether to write it a hundred times since Monday.  But I've just visited one or two other blogs, and it seems to me that I need the Circle, the Daisychain, to close round me at the moment.

No, it's not all bad.  And I do realise that it's my "worry" mode turned up as far as the dial will go.  But my head is spinning so badly, and my stomach is so filled with bats (yes, you heard, not butterflies, they're too pleasant) that I have to do some talking.

On Monday I had to take Starman to the hospital.  I took him there for a biopsy.  It seems he may have developed prostate cancer.

This is where I do so hope any man over the age of 40 is listening, and that any wife with a husband over the age of 40 is listening too.

Each year Starman has a 'well man' check up.  He always has a test called a PSA.  It is carried out to determine whether or not a man may be at risk of prostate cancer.  In the UK this test is not offered as a matter of course.  You have to ask for it.  Because Starman's father died of this disease 14 years ago, he has this test every single year.  There have never been any problems.  Until now.

The score came out on the high side and wheels immediately went into motion.  We have been backwards and forwards to hospital since November.  He has had CAT scans, ultra-sounds, gallons of blood tests.  In fact, you name it and he has had it.  And nothing conclusive.  

I have to add that he hasn't had any symptoms at all either.  Not getting up in the night to pee (that's always me!),  no swelling or enlargement, no pain or lack of sensation, no nothing!  

But the consultant at the hospital isn't happy.  Hence the biopsy.  In fact he had ten samples taken - five from each side.  He said is wasn't very pleasant, and caused him some discomfort, but nothing he couldn't handle, and no real pain.  And he hasn't had any side effects at all.  

So it takes about ten days to culture the samples.  And we get to know 12 days from now.  The consultant wants to see both of us.  As if I'd let Starman go alone!!!!

So this is why I'm not myself at the moment.  This is why one minute I'm way up in the air, and the next I'm down in the wagon ruts.  It all seems like a bad dream.  I keep thinking I'll wake up any minute.  

It's the waiting that's doing my head in.

Starman is very calm about it all.  Very stoic.  Very strong.  He is sleeping well, and continues to snore for England.  But I lie awake and worry worry worry.  I just want to know what we are fighting.  And if we aren't fighting anything, then the flags will go out so far you will see them wherever you live!

Now, see the difference between the two pictures?

All this time I've been struggling with our new dynamic.   I've done nothing but grumble and rant, moan and complain.  

The times I wondered whether I should just squish this before we went any further.  The times I wondered whether I have been right to introduce it at all.  The times I thought that maybe it is all too much for either of us to think about at the moment.

We had quite heavy snow for a couple of days.  Grim, grey skies.  Large thick flakes.  Then last night the stars came out.  We can see the plough clearly through our bedroom windows and when the moon rises it has a tendency to wake us up as it shines directly on our faces.  But last night we both slept well, without any of the usual tossing and turning.  The temperatures dropped to -12 C and for once I didn't sleep with my arms on top of the duvet.

Overnight outside turned into fairyland.  The sky was blue, the sun came up, and the frost glittered off the bare branches like diamonds.

Starman went downstairs and did my job.  He brought me coffee back to bed, and then climbed back in with me.

For once the house was quiet.

"Come on old girl, what's wrong?"

It was 'face in chest hair' time.  (No!  not my chest hair - his!  No!  I don't have chest hair!  Oh for goodness sake!)

I told him how worried I was and that I couldn't bear anything to happen to him.  We chatted for a while, him a lot calmer than me.

"So... " he said.  "You want a bit of re-assurance then?"

"Well, only if you feel your hand can manage it.  I mean, well, yes please.  But don't worry, I'll lie by your side and you can just lean over.  I don't want cause you any discomfort."

"I'll be just fine.  Up you go, over my lap."

The bedroom was freezing.  The underfloor heating wasn't coping.  I leapt out of bed.  "I'll just put my nightie on" I told him.

"No you won't" he became suddenly very HOH.  "Spankings are with nothing on."  Oh...

I climbed back on the bed and over his lap, wriggling to get into position, which isn't the easiest as my head tends to hand over the edge of the bed.

"Now just get up again and go get me that wooden spatula thing."   Oh....bloody hell, not that again!

I climbed back down.  "Are you sure?  I mean.  I'm not arguing, but what about the paddle instead?"

"No.  I like that little spatula."  He would!

"Look," I said handing the wretched thing to him.  "I'm not demanding.  But do you think you might give me a warm up with your hand first.  That thing stings very badly."

He considered.  I got back into position.

"Okay."

He has come a long way has Starman.  I am back in full admiration mode.

"I'm sorry I've been a bit sharp and edgy this last couple of days.  It's been a long time you know.  I don't want this.  But I need it.  I don't like it at the time.  But I like the way I feel afterwards."

Starman is spanking away.  For once he doesn't say more than a couple of words.  So I shut up and concentrate on not clenching.  

Good grief he has learned a lot.  You'd think he'd been having lessons.

The spanking gradually built and built.  In between some of the spanks he rubbed my bottom.  Then there were little flurries of six or seven spanks.  I became a bit restless.  Some were actually beginning to hurt quite a bit.  I rested my forehead on my right arm.  One or two "Ows" were slipping out.

Starman stopped.

I kept my face down.  I could feel him reach for something.

"Splat!"

My legs lifted, I swear totally involuntarily, in complete harmony, from the bed. Oh heavens that hurt!

Then again and again and again.

And no rubs this time.  

Well, I thought, trying hard to control my breathing, this is what I wanted, this is what I asked for, this is what I need.  Oh Ow!!!

I was already more than a bit sore from his hand.  This was the icing on the cake!  I started to cry.

I felt Starman slow.  "Are you crying?  I'm not going to carry on if  you're crying."  Oh Oh Oh

"No, I'm fine" I managed to gasp out convincingly.  "Just carry on.  You're doing really well."

Now was I supposed to say that?  It hurt like hell but I didn't want him to stop.  I needed this to rid me of my demons.  This wasn't just reassurance, or readjustment, or maintenance, or just you watch your attitude for the rest of the week.  It was like a reaffirmation of vows.  A final letting go of the old angst at long last.  

I tried my best to cry quietly.  I worked very hard not to kick my feet up to high.  But I now understand that feet and legs have a mind of their own!  I gripped the side of the bed and tried to take deep breaths, but the occasional Ow (okay, the frequent Ow) kept coming out of my  mouth.

At last he stopped and put the wooden thing down.  Hated, hated wooden thing!

And then....

He started all over with his hand!

"Actually, I've been thinking" he said.  I just knew he had been far too quiet.

"You've missed two weeks worth of spanking.  So I'd better make up for it."

"You could always do it another day" I suggested.

"No.  I don't know when we'll get another quiet time around here" he replied.

It just went on and on.  

This time, in between flurries of spanks, he rubbed my bottom.

"It's getting good and red" he remarked, stopping to rub.

"May I get up now please?" I asked.

"No not yet.  You can get up when I say so" he replied.  Oh HOH HOH HOH!!!

Eventually after a "super-flurry" he slowed and stopped.

I lay exhausted.  A good half hour had passed.  And this was maintenance???  Please explain dear readers, because I understand less as the weeks go by!

I crawled off his lap and lay gingerly on my back sinking into the soft mattress.

Then my ears couldn't believe what they were hearing.

"I think I'd like some sex now please" he pinned me down.  Ouch!

*****

Afterwards we talked a lot more.  I was nervous he might have overdone the exercise.  But he felt really fine.

And later, when he was shaving, I crept into the bathroom behind him.  I put my arms round his middle and hugged him and kissed the side of his neck.

"I'm so scared.  I just don't want anything to happen to you" I whispered.

"We'll be all right old girl" he reassured me, trying to shave without cutting himself.

"I love you" I told him.  "I just want you to know that you've made me feel so good.  You've set me up for the week.  I just can't do without this now.  Thank you."  

I left him to carry on and I went back to our ensuite.  (He has the big bathroom.)

I turned to scurry past the full-length mirror just through the entrance to our bedroom.

Yes, you've guessed it.  

Red, black, blue and purple.  

Whoopy do!

So, this is "sore-bottomed from deepest, darkest, rural England" signing off.

(Oh yes, and any prayers please, would be gratefully accepted, because I, for one, am still sick with worry.)

Journey into Submission

We just got back from a three-day break away in the Shires, where we come from originally.  Yes, I know, we are secretly "Hobbits"!  

It was so great to be able to go during the week instead of having to wait for the weekend like we did before I went on to a two-day week.  We arrived late afternoon.  The hotel was lovely and they upgraded our room.  It is a very old building, and quirky.  There are corridors and little steps up and down everywhere, like a rabbit warren.  We had to go down five curving steps to our ensuite.  I was terrified I would fall down the lot during the night as invariably I get up at some time to visit the loo.  This picture was on the wall right next to our bed.  I wish my bottom looked like one of these!

Starman attended his formal dinner with his old cronies in the evening, and I walked down to the end of the street where there is a rather smart Indian restaurant, and met my old flat-mate and her husband.  Hadn't seen them for about twelve years!  You can imagine that we had a lot to discuss.  The evening passed very quickly!

*****

Before we had set out on our mini-break, Starman had had a little chat with me. Actually, more of an HOH/TIH talk!  

Unfortunately if I have a drink or two more than usual, just a smell of the barman's apron really, I have a tendency towards becoming rather verbose.  I really don't mean to, but I can take over a conversation, holding forth as if I am some authority on a subject.  Usually it's okay as everyone else has had rather too much to drink as well.  But sometimes, apparently, I can be embarrassing, and I can make people feel uncomfortable.

Now, this is something I didn't realise until TTWD took over my existence.  This is one of the things that Starman brought to my attention during our heart-to-heart the other weekend.

"It not only embarrasses our friends, Ami, but it embarrasses me too, and I won't put up with it any more.  I will not hesitate to give to a warning if you go to far.  Understood?"

I nod gravely.  "Understood."

"Poor Beth went off to her bookclub with 50 Shades tucked under her arm, and never having read it herself, just going on your recommendation, and she nearly died of mortification.  She was the talk of her neighbourhood.  And then Dave came back to me and gave me a hard time about it.  He wanted to know what exactly we got up to in our spare time.  I won't have other people conjecture on our private lives.  Understand?"

"Yes, understood."

"And another thing.  I don't mind you walking down to the end of the street to meet your friends at the restaurant.  But I want you to promise me to ask Geoff to just see you back to the hotel.  I don't want my wife walking along an ill-lit street at ten o'clock or so at night.  Anyone could be about.  I want you to promise me you'll make sure he does.  Okay?"

I felt like a small child.  The hotel and the restaurant are only a five minute walk apart.  And I very much doubted that I would be any later than 10pm coming back.  But I nodded meekly.

Well, that's two rules for our trip already, I thought to myself.  Submission seems to reach out trying to trip me up where ever I go these days.

*****

I found that it was actually more like a three-minute walk to the restaurant.  My friends were already there when I arrived.  As I've already said, the evening passed quickly because there was so much to talk about.  Lots was reminiscing about when we were flatmates, but we also talked about our children and our lives in general.  I'm happy to say that I had a single white wine spritzer and made it last all evening.

At last it was time to go.  They had a longish drive back to where they lived, and my friend's husband had work the next day.

We stood on the pavement outside the restaurant.  I looked up the street towards the hotel.  Its lights were shining brightly and there was nobody about.  All was quiet.  

It was such a very short distance.  I fidgeted.

Geoff looked at me.  I think he sensed my unease.

"Shall we just walk you back Ami?  It isn't exactly out of our way."

"It's very close.  I'm sure I'll be okay.  I practically be there before you are out of sight around the corner."

I studied my feet and sighed.

"Are you sure?" Geoff demanded.  "We're quite happy to do so.  It'll only take a few minutes."

I humphed quietly to myself.  This was ridiculous.  I had walked there perfectly safely.  

Oh for goodness sake!  I felt quite cross.

I kicked at a stone on the pavement.

If I said no, and walked back on my own, it would be just like Starman to ask me if they had seen me back.  And if I asked them to accompany me, you could bet Starman wouldn't say a word.

But then I would know, wouldn't I?  And wasn't Dishonesty one of the dreaded Ds?

"Thanks Geoff.  Yes, I would be grateful if you really don't mind.  Starman worries about me if I have to walk somewhere on my own after dark.  I feel guilty asking you because the hotel is only just there up the street."

"No worries" Geoff assured me.  "Come on let's go."

Roughly three minutes later I was back inside the hotel.  Safe and sound.  By ten thirty I was tucked up in bed reading a book.

Starman wasn't late either.  He arrived by eleven.

*****

The next day we went to see one of my very old school friends and her husband.  We were due to stay with them that night.  We are very close.  She is as near to a sister as I will ever have, and we hadn't seen them since our daughter's wedding in the summer, so you can imagine we had a lot of catching up to do.

We decided to go to an Italian restaurant that night.

We had a really great evening.  The restaurant was dark and atmospheric.  The food and the service were both excellent.  Again, I only had one white wine spritzer.  Starman was very impressed.  I didn't get 'tiddly' and I didn't let my mouth run away with me.  It was a truly pleasant evening.

We left our friends mid-morning for our return journey.  I dozed a good part of the way.  We had a bit of conversation but nothing too taxing.  Mainly discussing our trip and how much the city had changed from when we lived there.

*****

 Friday night I was very tired.  I was in bed by 10.30, leaving Starman watching the Graham Norton Show.  As I drifted off to sleep I could hear him laughing at the risque humour.

I woke up around 1.30am.  The bed next to me was cold and empty.  I padded to the ensuite needing to pee.  Then I quietly opened the bedroom door and peaked over the balcony.  He was fast asleep on the sofa, the TV playing happily to itself.

I wasn't exactly thrilled.  This was something he had promised me not to do any more.  Should I go down and wake him?  Would he think I was checking up on him and be cross?  I debated for a minute or two and then he suddenly awoke, looked around and realised what had happened.  He turned off the television and got up switching lights off.  I made a stealthy retreat back to bed.

He arrived about ten minutes later carefully getting into bed so as not to wake me up.  I felt him reach out and give my bottom a quick rub.  Then I heard him snore.

I  lay and tossed and turned for the next hour and a  half.  Wonderful.  Eventually I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew it was 8am.

I went downstairs to complete my first job of the day - Starman's tea in bed!

When I brought it upstairs he sat up resting on his pillows.  I mentioned the fact that he was very late to bed, and he acknowledged that he had fallen asleep.  I further mentioned the fact that he had promised not to do that any more, and that I felt a bit let down by it.  Now why is it that our HOHs are allowed to make mistakes?

He simply smiled and played with my left boob.  He looked so smug that I decided that I had to have a little "reconnection" with him.  

"One of my friends said recently that she felt it was very hard maintaining her submissiveness when her HOH didn't maintain his dominance" I told him.

"Did she now?" he replied.  

"Yes.  And that is exactly how I feel.  Do you realise that my bottom hasn't felt your hand on it for two weeks now?"  I know I pouted!

"Ami, I only stroked it when I came to bed, and you were asleep."

"No I wasn't actually.  I had just been to the bathroom, and discovered you weren't where you should be.  I nearly came down and woke you up.  But then you came to bed so I didn't need to."

"So what is really the problem?"

"You went straight to sleep is the problem.  After saying you wouldn't do the late late thing any more."

"It was all the driving.  It wore me out.  You, at least, were able to snooze in the car!"

"Starman, I have to tell you that I am feeling very needy at the moment.  In fact, I think I will simply crawl out of my skin soon."

He looked at me askance, both eyebrows raised.  (It's just the single eyebrow that he can't quite manage.)

"What on earth do you mean?"

"You haven't spanked me for ages and I'm feeling all on edge and bolshie.  I don't know how long I'm going to be able to hold it together."

"Look Ami, you know we haven't had enough privacy to do it - or we would've."

"Well, I can assure you that I'm going to spend a considerable part of my day searching the house for something quiet!"

Starman roared with laughter.

"Don't make fun of me!  You always do this!"  I was getting a little cross.  "I can't help how I feel.  You still don't seem to understand."

He lunged for both my boobs this time, wrapping his arms round me and holding my back to his chest so that he had full access.  I wriggled and squirmed.

"You seem to have a thing about my boobs these days."

"I've always had a thing about them honey.  It's just that they have been covered up for years.  Just look how they react to me?!"

Excuse me when I say he made me moan a good bit.

One of my new submissive rules (a nice rule, not a horrid rule) is not to wear anything in bed.  It certainly feels strange after always wearing a nighty.  (This turned out to be an answer to one of my questions on my list the other week.)

"You know.  You did so well this last few days."  I turned my head to look at him, surprised.

"You thought I didn't notice didn't you?  Well I did."

"Oh?"

"Sooooo.  Like I saw Geoff  and Emma bring you back to the hotel the other night."

Rapid intake of breath by me!!!!

"And I also noticed that you didn't drink too much or say anything embarrassing when we were with our friends.  In fact Tom asked me whether you could get him a copy of 50 Shades as he was intrigued and didn't like to ask you himself.  I told him that he'd have to do his own shopping."

Starman actually smirked at me!

"Let's let them wonder about us shall we?  Much more interesting that way Ami.  Us to know, and them to wonder...."  He laughed and squeezed, and I laughed and squirmed.

"Didn't you tell me that there's more to this than just the spanking part?" he reminded me, now stroking a completely different part of my anatomy.

"Well, I'm still going to research something quiet" I mumbled, before giving myself up to extreme pleasure and becoming in danger of even forgetting what day it was.

Now, who'd have thought?!!!

Aftershocks!

The last twenty four hours have, quite honestly, been almost the worst in my life.

We'd had a lovely Saturday.  Just usual things about the house.  Then a trip out shopping to a large wholesale outlet.  

When we arrived home it was already getting dark (I haven't noticed the nights drawing out much yet!) and after I'd put stuff away I put some fillet steak (we have friends who breed Red Poll cattle and had been given some steaks for Christmas) in a little marinade, prepared some chips (fries) and salad, and put some baby deep-fried camembert cheeses in the oven for starters.  Starman made us both large gin and tonics.  No 1 son was away out to a surprise 'big' birthday party for his girl friend's father in a restaurant a few miles away.  

We had our meal and chatted companionably.  The G and Ts went down a treat!

"Heh, we're alone for once" I said.  "Isn't the place quiet?"

"Hmmmm" Starman looked longingly at the coffee machine, so I made us a latte each.

"Perhaps we can continue our conversation from last night?"  I looked at him.

"Oh good grief.  I thought we could relax."  Starman was a little put out.

"It's just that I still have a lot to talk about" I went on.  "I was a bit overwrought last night, and I was thinking today, that I need to explain how I got into all this in the first place."

Starman made some sort of joke and I told him that I felt he wasn't taking me very seriously.  

"Alright then" he said.  "Get talking.  I'm listening."

So I did.

I started at the beginning and went all the way through.  I explained that three years ago after my heart attack I had realised how short life was, and that I wanted to make the most of every minute of it.  I had redesigned myself by losing some weight, having my hair cut short, and changing my makeup.  Then I had gradually become more adventurous in the bedroom.  

He smiled.  He had approved of all of it.

Then, I went on, you suggested that I read 50 Shades.  (Yes, it was Starman's idea, but he didn't know what it was about, just that it was a popular book!)

I read all three of them.

I was wide-eyed with surprise.  I read them about four times!  Wow!  This wasn't actually something just found in brothels.  Real people did these things.  Nice, ordinary people.  Normal people.  Wow!

A convent education and strict parents, coupled with meeting my husband at a school dance when I was only sixteen did nothing for my sexual education.  He has been my first and only.  He hadn't been much more experienced.  Some things, nice girls didn't do.  I was very, very inhibited.  But then, he wasn't really sure how to lead me in those days.  And in those days, well, you didn't have a different man every night like now.  You didn't go out getting drunk night after night outside clubs and pubs like many of today's teens.  (In Europe anyway!)  My parents stayed up and waited for me to be home if I went out.  And even at nearly 20 I had to be home by 11pm.  And they ALWAYS knew where I was going, and who with!

So I did a little research.  And I did a little shopping.  First over the internet, and then I visited Ann Summers (you'e heard me mention it before).  I became bold.  The assistants in the shop are always very helpful.  I learnt a lot.

I took my purchases home and gradually introduced them to Starman.  He doesn't do 'tying up' but he was pleasantly delighted with some of my new toys.  

We've had great fun trying them out.  Learning together.  We feel very naughty, sexy, brave, excited....  It has done wonders for us.

So.  So far so good.

Then I started reading spanking stories.  I found them fascinating.  I couldn't believe what I was reading.  Some are downright fiction, some are scary, but many have nice happy endings, and I noticed that they all seemed to have one thing in common.  Domestic discipline.

Now, what was that, I wondered.

So I researched.  

On some of the sites my hair nearly stop on end.  Some are definitely sensationalist.  One person persuaded me to spend money to download a book which upset me so much I cried.  (Boot Camp? - remember?)  And then I found Sara.

Sara was wonderful to me.  When I think of some of my comments I cringe.  But she was very patient.  And gradually I began to understand.  Gradually I realised that the same people commented every time.  They all had different personalities, but they also all had one thing in common.  Spanking in some shape or form.

I began to read the blogs.  I read and I read.  I became daring and made a few comments here and there.  Then I started to ask quite long questions.  (Thank you so much, you know who you are, you were all so welcoming and patient with me!)

Something went click in my brain.  I felt at home among these people.  I felt comfortable.  And the spanking urge wouldn't go away.  It grew until it began to take me over.  And so that it how it all started.

But what you don't realise when you first begin, is that in your head you have already submitted.  You have already been living TTWD for several months.  And by then you know it in much more depth.  And then you dump it on your unsuspecting husband's head.  Not just superficially like at the start.  But in detail.

And it isn't you that runs for the hills.

It's him.

So we are full circle, and you are now more in the picture.  But there's more.

Starman is very interested in the 4 Ds.  I explain them to him.  He's noticed that I am following them as well as I am able.  He particularly remembers the 'car keys' event, and 'choosing a turkey'.  It begins to fall into place.  

But it's with 'Respect' that we begin to come unstuck.  And 'Obey'.

And as we sit there talking more and more comes out.  I feel as if I'm an extra in Groundhog Day.  Starman is back to 'telling it how it is'.  It's worse than I had at first thought.  I'm in a nightmare scenario.  I'm so shaken that the silences gradually lengthen.  

We retreat to the living room and the sofas.  He puts the TV on.  I am so distressed I fall asleep and wake an hour later.  To quote Willie "I felt as if I had been in a mangle or drier, and come out like a long, twisted duvet cover".  I excused myself at around 11.45pm and went to bed.  

I heard No 1 son arrive back, and talking downstairs, and then quiet fell over the barn.  Starman came to bed, pulled the duvet up round his ears, and promptly snored for England.  Clinging to my side of the bed I tossed and turned.  I got up to visit the bathroom.  I drank some water.  I watched the night sky.  I went downstairs and made a decaff and took some paracetamol.

In the end I retreated to the spare bedroom.  I then lay there and tossed and turned.

All the while I was crying softly.  Tears soaking into my pillow.  I never knew I had so much water in my body.

Eventually I slept at around 7.30 am.  I woke up when Starman put his head round the door at 9.00 am.  I was still crying.

I was dizzy with exhaustion.  Starman went downstairs and made tea.  He was taking my job!  He brought it back and herded me back into our bedroom.  He wasn't having any more of this spare bedroom game!

I explained that some of the information he had chosen to share with me last night had knocked me for six.  It had completely flattened me like a wrecking ball.  I'd spent all night wondering how I would manage on my own without him.  It was such a horrible thing to contemplate that I started to shake.

Starman, once again, folded me into his arms.  

He must have assured me of his love about a hundred times.  He must have assured me that I had changed a great deal about a hundred times.  And he certainly hugged me and kissed me about a hundred times.

"Now then Ami.  This stops here and now."  His quietly serious voice was back.  "It's in the past.  You are forgiven.  There is no resentment.  There is no ill-feeling.  There must be no guilt.  Do you understand?"

I was being a limp dishcloth so I wasn't able to reply.  He took my chin in a tight grip and made me nod my head.

Then he made love to me in a slow, gentle and considerate way.

"And now do you think you could make me some breakfast?" he smiled at me.

*****

So I suppose you could say that we have now managed to negotiate those cracks in the road - those places where the road had disappeared down the mountainside.  We've managed to skirt around the boulders.

We are still sploshing through the muddy water.  But we are holding hands once again.  We are no longer on different rails on a railway track.  

And in future, I hope I will have the sense to follow immediately behind him and put my feet in his footsteps when the going gets tough.  Because I know it will.  It always does.

For us, this dynamic isn't going to happen in just six weeks.  It's going to take a great deal longer.  There are so many things to learn.  And I know that punishment spankings are definitely out for the foreseeable future.  Starman told me very firmly that he will give me a suitable warning if I show signs of moving off the straight and narrow.  He also told me that maintenance will not be on a set day.  He finds it too inflexible.  It has to work for us, not us for it.

And now I have to end this post.  I feel better today and I want to read some of yours.  So I'll leave you with a little 'poem' a dear friend sent me this morning.  It's funny how this, and three wonderful emails from Willie, Lillie and Dear Fireman hit everything that has happened directly on target!

"As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself.  I've become my own friend.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with ageing.

Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4am, or sleep until noon?  I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's, 70's and 80's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.

I will walk the beach, in a swimsuit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.  They, too, will age.

I know I am sometimes forgetful.  But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten.  And, I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken.... How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car?  But, broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion.  A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to  have lived long enough to have my hair turning grey, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.... So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive.  You care less about what other people think.  I don't question myself anymore.  I've even earned the right to be wrong!

So, to answer your question, I like ageing.  It has set me free.  I like the person I have become.  I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be.  

And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it)."

PS - My hair is blonde, my body isn't bulging, just a little thick around the waist, I can't dive, and I very rarely eat dessert.  LOL

May our friendship never come apart, especially when it's straight from the heart!

Hugs, Ami

Tsunami! Tsunami!

I feel as if I am in a dark place at the moment.  The tidal wave has crashed in hitting us with full force; but it's the general detritus in the murky water that has done the damage.  I feel very numb from the force of the icy water.  Now it's retreated, and upon turning around to face back in the right direction once more, I can see the road has been washed away in parts and it'll mean taking very small steps and feeling our way to ensure that the ground is strong enough to hold our weight.

Last night Starman and I had one of the most difficult heart-to-hearts of our married life.  We sat in the kitchen whilst I drank copious glasses of water because my mouth kept drying up, and he leaned against the Aga and drank scotch.

I waited for him to return from Rotary.  As time went on I got more and more nervous and demented, full of thoughts about our day and what we had talked about.

In truth, the day itself wasn't that bad.  But I still felt very despondent from the morning's 'non-discussion' session.  I noticed that Starman had made quite an effort to act in a normal way.  But I had a lead weight in my stomach.

He walked in the door and I just burst into loud and spectacular sobbing.  Naturally he wanted to know what on earth I was crying for, yet again.  So we went through the morning's scenario once more, as I tried to explain that I felt we were in a rut, we weren't communicating properly, our marriage was slipping into lethargy.  Etc, etc.  

He told me that he wondered what was wrong with me.  I was always in tears.  I had thrust something on him that he wasn't happy about.  Instead of my usual self I was trying to get him to take on a personna that he felt intimidated by.  And now a questionnaire or all things.  What on earth for?!  

Because I thought you could give me some indication of your feelings, because I know I can be difficult, because I want to end this monotonous life we seem to have slipped into, because I want to take a step back and let you be the leader in this, because I realise that I could take the lead in Shakespeare's "Taming of the Shrew" and because I want to change.

It's since you read that bloody book.  And now you're getting all these ideas on the internet.  You've been acting far too emotional for some time now.  What the hell's going on?!

From there it went rapidly downhill.  

Starman rarely shouts when he's angry.  He is quiet and cutting.  He is good at words.  He doesn't hold back.

A whole range of topics were aired - from our sex lives to our social life to our working lives to our day-to-day existence with each other over the last 35 years.  It was awful.  Because we weren't shouting (Starman was quietly incandescent and I was sobbing and sniffling for England) it seemed much worse.  We weren't slinging insults, no, not at all.  But we were telling it how it is, how it was, how it could be, to each other.

He admitted he has enjoyed these last six weeks.  That the house has been much more peaceful and that I have been loving and accommodating.  That he is happy to oblige with my desire to be spanked once a week, but that for him, the thought of using spanking as a punishment is more than he can contemplate at the moment.  He was really thrown by me putting on my questionnaire that I would expect to pay penalties for not living by the rules, ie getting some exercise, focussing on finishing off some jobs that have remained unfinished for over a year, eating healthily.  I tried to explain but to no avail.  Our conversation continued and I asked him if I had improved as far as nagging him, interrupting him when he was talking to me, complaining that he wasn't doing things right, was concerned.

I know I can be a harridan, I told him.  He agreed.  Then he told me something that tipped my world upside down.

"You are much better than you were once upon a time" he said.  "I nearly left you fourteen years ago.  I couldn't stand you a minute longer."

The colour drained from my face.  I gulped and cried harder, trying to take swigs of water because my  mouth was so dry.  I honestly couldn't say a word.  My brain seized up completely.  I actually felt as if everything was moving in slow motion like on the films.

"Then why didn't you?" I gasped.

"I don't know" he replied.  "I guess I thought I'd give it another shot.  But you were awful.  I couldn't say anything to you.  You leapt down my throat immediately.  You just bulldozed your way around all the time.  You were the same with everybody.  The kids hated it.

Then you started to change.  You got better.  You weren't so snappy.

But remember when I slept in the spare room a lot.  It wasn't just work.  You just didn't want me near you. Every time I made an effort you pushed me away.  

I suppose I stayed because I still loved you."

I rested my head on my folded arms.  I was too exhausted to cry any more.  I was throbbing with misery.  I kept thinking I would wake up any minute from this nightmare.  

It was with the greatest of efforts we continued our conversation.  I told him that I felt our sex life had been pretty dire in those days.  He never ever gave me satisfaction.  It was always over in a flash.  Wham bam thank you mam.

He explained that he was always tired.  He used to set off for work very early and arrive back late at night.  He wanted to give his family the best of everything.  He'd known that he hardly saw me to talk to let alone the kids, but it had never occurred to him that it was HIM I wanted, not material things.  

He explained he knew he wasn't much good at expressing his feelings.  That he knew he wasn't very demonstrative or lovey-dovey.  He hadn't thought it mattered to me.

I explained that I hated to go to bed night after night on my own while he slumbered on the sofa and watched late night TV.

But mostly I  just sat in silence and shock.  I had far to much to process. 

So last night he didn't stay up till all hours.  He came to bed around a half hour after me.

I was turned away from him and clinging to the side of the bed as if my life depended upon it.  

He reached over and pulled me into him spoon fashion.  (We never do that.)  I was cold, and I can't tell you how much I enjoyed the warmth of his body.  He put his arm around me and stroked bits of me.  Then he put his leg over mine and held me even closer.

We fell asleep entwined.

Then we woke up around 2 am and made love as if our lives depended on it.  And we talked.  

He said he didn't want to fill in any silly questionnaire, and that he would go through the questions face to face and tell me his feelings.  He said he was determined to 'cherish' me more and to show his love in little ways.  He had noticed my efforts and he was quite amazed at my desire for change in that direction.  He said that he would never have actually left, but that for him it was a bad time.  I told him I wished that I had known then what I know now.  He said that he still didn't understand it, but would be willing to carry on slowly, but didn't want pushing.  He said he didn't agree with tying women up to spank them.  I said that actually I wasn't into that myself.  Each to his own.  But that I had known for some time that I wanted to be spanked, and that I couldn't at the moment explain it any better than that.  We cuddled and went back to sleep.

We woke up around 6 am and repeated most of the above.

Today has been much better.  

I have exercised.  I have accomplished several outstanding jobs previously left unfinished.  We have talked some more.  

So, no, I don't have a plan of action.  We have no formal rules drawn up, and probably never will have.  I don't know how any of this is going to turn out.  But we have once again turned round in the right direction.  We just need to negotiate the gaps where the road used to be.

As for me.  I am carrying this huge rock in my chest.  It is called "Guilt and Regret".  

I very nearly swept away our marriage fourteen years ago.  How I didn't, heaven only knows.  I'm just thankful Starman kept with me.  I must have been a horrible wife.  I'm probably still a horrible wife.  All I can say is that I am very keen to change.  I don't want to be horrible any more.  But it's not going to be an instant fix.  I know that now.  

And if Starman ever gets around to spanking me again, I hope he can manage to lift that weight from me and to let me know that everything is forgiven.

I hope you'll still want to know me after all this!

Hugs, Ami

U-Turn!

To be frank, if we ever manage to turn around again I'll be very surprised.  I feel 'lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut' and I truly don't know what to do to rectify the situation - or even if I want to rectify it.  

Over the last twenty four hours I seem to have gone into a tail spin from which there is no return.  The ground is looming ever closer and I simply don't have the strength to pull up in time.

I thought we were fine.  I knew, that it would be inevitable that there would be little bumps and cracks to cope with in the future.  But I hadn't realised just how soon I would be trying to ride out an earthquake of epic proportions.  I say "I" because I'm not even sure Starman felt the ground shake at all.

Yesterday was a good day apart from the fact that my grandson has caught a case of chickenpox and that means I am not able to go near him until he is declared better again.  Unfortunately it is one childhood illness that I have never succumbed to.  And that makes life quite difficult.  Even at school the children know not to go anywhere near "Miss" if they are recovering from chickenpox!

So anyway, I spent a half hour or so after dinner, compiling a short questionnaire for Starman.  I think there were only about eight questions.  It's something that a good friend told me she had done in her early days, and to tell the truth it was something that I had already debated about.  I felt I needed to get one or two answers, and I couldn't bring myself to ask out loud.

So I gave this list to Starman just as I was going to bed.  I told him that I needed to know how he felt about certain things.  I asked him not to leave the list lying around where it could be discovered.  He looked a bit uncertain, but agreed to read it when I had gone upstairs.

The moon woke me up by shining directly in the bedroom window on my face, at around 2pm.  I rolled over to face Starman - and he wasn't there.  I sat up in bed.  I heard snores coming from the spare room.  I lay there, heart pounding, for at least an hour before I managed to drop off back to sleep.  So many thoughts were going round my head that I thought it would burst.  We only do the "spare room" thing if one of us has to be up to go somewhere exceptionally early in the morning, or if one of us is sick.

By eight o'clock Starman still hadn't surfaced, so I went downstairs and made him his usual cup of tea.  I noticed that our son hadn't gone to work, and that he was still in his room.  I took Starman's tea and my coffee into our room and put them down on our bedside tables.  Starman got up and came into the room behind me, arranged his pillows and got into bed.  I just stared at him, waiting for an explanation.

He told me he  had fallen asleep downstairs and that it was so late he didn't want to disturb me.  He said he felt really tired and that the late nights over the holiday had caught up with him.  He sat drinking his tea as if there was nothing wrong.  I mentioned that our son hadn't gone to work.  "He's gotten a dose of that flue-type cold that we've all had.  He's sorted his men out for the day, but he's coughing so much he's decided that they'll have to do without him today."

Oh.  I settled back into my pillows.  We talked generalities for a while, and then Starman said he would have to get up as he had lots to do.  I looked at him and smiled.  "Don't forget it's Thursday" I reminded him.

"Oh I can't do things like that today.  I only spanked you Tuesday.  That'll have to do this week.  We can't do it anyway with No 1 Son at home.  I'd be so embarrassed if he heard us.  He did once you know.  I can't go there again, no way. "  He shrugged.

My face was a picture.

Then he started up about the questionnaire.

"What am I meant to do about that thing?" he asked.  "You simply dropped it and ran."

I did my best to explain it and to say that I would value his input.  I needed a little help with this 'submissive' thing.  I needed to know what he really thought and felt that by giving him a questionnaire it would give him a chance to mull things over.

"But," he said "all you seem to be doing is putting things in front of me and saying 'Do this'.  So instead of being submissive you are still trying to call the shots.  So no maintenance, or whatever it's called, today, and that's final."  

I looked at him.

"No!"

My eyes started to fill.  He couldn't have read the bit where I explained how much better I felt after it, and that I looked forward to it each week, and that I relied on him.

"And as far as suggesting that I help you with exercise and weight loss.  And that we draw up a short list of tasks for you to do each week around the house.  Or penalites!  Where has all this come from?! "

So we sat while I went into the four Ds in more detail giving examples.  We sat while I explained that the HOH was usually happy to ensure his TIH complied, and that he would support and encourage her.  We sat while I offered to give him reading material from some of the blogs.

"Are you saying there are other people who do this then?" he demanded.

I explained that there were a great many people who found this dynamic a helpful and enriching part of their lives.  And that it worked.

"Well if you think I'm going to beat you every time you slip up with a rule, you've got another think coming.  It's amazing that we seem to have come this far in our marriage without this submission business."

I'm crying by now and can't speak.

"I'll bet it's that bloody book that's started all this isn't it?!"  He snorts angrily.  

I found my voice at last and told him emphatically that although the book had certainly given me ideas, I had read it quite a long time ago, and that many other factors had led me to a realisation that I actually liked to be spanked, and that I was fed up with the leadership struggle that had been going on for years in our household, and that I was quite happy to be second in command.  Spanking wasn't beating, and I doubted he would ever spank much harder than he had the time he bruised me; and I hadn't suffered because of that!  And if he did, well, so what, I would get over it.

But he wasn't convinced.  I cried harder.

"Look" he said at last.  "You've dumped all this on my shoulders without any warning whatsoever, and you expect me to suddenly change and do everything according to these rules.  Well I can't.  It's all too much.  We've been fine all along.  And now you want to change everything."

"Well you may think we have been fine all along" I told him.  "But I don't agree.  I'm bored to death with 'us' at the moment.  I feel like we're just two people sharing living accommodation.  We're in a rut Starman.  And it's a very deep rut!  And I can't cope with it any more.  So I'm desperately trying to do something about it.  And I don't feel as if you are even listening to what I am saying.  

You always used to write me lists when we were first married.  You didn't think that was strange then."

"Well, I can't remember those days.  Surely not."

"Yes you did!  And you have always, always, had the final say on anything.  It's always you who decides."  

Silence.

"And you know bloody well that I've never, ever, refused you sex.  And we have an exciting sex life.  Better now than ever.  You don't complain about the submissive parts of that do you?!"

Silence.

"So why is it so hard to just take this a little bit further along."

"I just can't spank you on purpose to hurt.  I simply can't and I won't."

"But it hurts when we play spank.  And it hurts when you spank with the wooden paddle.  So what's the difference?"

"The difference is that I would know I was setting out to hurt you - for stupid little things."

"Look.  I'm not exactly going to do stupid little things all the time.  I'm not going to exactly encourage you to be mad at  me.  That's not how it works.  It's only for my own good.  It's to remind me not to repeat anything unacceptable to you.  It's to stop me getting stressed and het up.  It's a reinforcement and establishment of ground rules."

"Ha!"  He latched on to that one.  "If you don't know ground rules after all these years, then it's time you did!  

I'm getting up!"

I remained in bed for a while trying not to cry and not succeeding.  

This hadn't gone well and all sorts of stupid thoughts were going through my head.  I so wished I hadn't given him the wretched questionnaire in the first place.  But I felt it was necessary that he knew how I felt, and that I needed to know some answers.   I had been very careful to phrase everything respectfully.

I eventually got up and showered, then I went down and made some toast.  It was getting late and I had supermarket shopping to do, and the remainder of the Christmas decorations to take down and put away in the loft.  In between I had laundry to get on with.

Starman sat across the table from me.

"I don't know why you keep on getting so upset about things." He looked at me.  "I look after you don't I?  And as for being bored - we always go on nice holidays.  I've always taken you on holiday every year since we were married."

He looked smug but worried.  (Reader, let me just tell you that I've also taken him on many, many holidays, and that I am not concerned with 'that type' of boredom.)

"I suppose if you want a list we could have a mutual list with S and A next to the various tasks.  We could then help each other work through them perhaps?

Of course, when you've retired you will have time to do all sorts of things.  You should do some charity work you know.  You can't be sitting around here all day can you?"

Well, it wasn't exactly ideal, but it was a starter.  

But he still wasn't 'getting it'.

"And perhaps we could both do with cutting down a little.  It's not my fault that you're such a good cook" he said defensively.

Perhaps the right direction?  I don't know any more.

It's evening and he's at Rotary and I'm exhausted and could still cry buckets at the drop of a hat.  I feel completely flattened.  

I just don't know whether it will work out or not.  

I feel like the big, bad wolf.

He's going along in a happy little bubble and now I've come along and burst his bubble.

The trouble is that I've tried really hard over the last few months to be nicer, kinder, more submissive, less likely to jump down his throat at the drop of a hat.  

I think I have been in this Dd  in my head far longer than the six weeks we have been trying to live with it.  And as far as I am concerned it is just what the doctor ordered.

But Starman isn't getting it.  His reaction is exactly what mine was when I first started reading the blogs way back last summer.  He doesn't yet understand.  And I wonder whether he ever really will.  And I wonder what will happen to us if he doesn't.

Slough of Despond here I come!

PS  This is the shortened version of our conversations.  We did, actually, discuss the four Ds in some detail and he wasn't against them; just confused with it all.  I think he isn't against the 'theory' of it.  It's the spanking part that is proving such an obstacle.  I asked him about how he felt when I nagged, and to put it into his own words "...constantly chipped away at him".  He said he hated it, but he had learned to simply leave me alone for several days and I would snap out of it.   I just wish he would 'snap' me out of it immediately!