Feeling More Positive

I promised to update you all as soon as we had been given the results of the MRI scan.  Well, we have just arrived home, via my mother in law's where we had an impromptu lunch.

We were fifteen minutes late going in to see the consultant and they were some of the worst fifteen minutes of our lives!

This morning we sat together in bed drinking our tea/coffee and just staring straight ahead.  I put my left leg over Starman's right leg.  He turned to me and said "We're very quiet this morning aren't we?" and sighed.

I immediately turned and nestled in his armpit, and he put his arm around me.

We were very glum.

However, we sat talking quietly and I told him that my fight or flight mode was taking over.  "I was in flight mode when I went to bed last night.  But now I have discovered I'm in full blown 'fight' mode!" I told him.

"We're going to get through this.  We're going to ditch this  'belly full of rocks' feeling, and start to be positive," I looked at him meaningfully.  Neither of us felt very positive.  But as we talked, all those good vibes out there that you all sent to us must have kicked in.

We even managed our reaffirmation spanking.  Although Starman said it would have to be fairly quiet because he didn't feel up to discussing our week, or any rules, or how we were getting on.  

He warmed me up for much longer this time, around three minutes (we are going to get an egg timer in future!) and eventually he said that his arm was aching and his hand was burning to much to continue.  (What about my butt?!) He sent me to fetch the wooden spatula thingy (well, surprise, surprise!) and he started for real.

I can confirm, now, that if you are in 'fight' mode, that a spanking has a whole new aspect.  All I did was kick and yell and feel feistier and feistier!  I wasn't in 'bitch-troll' mode, nor in 'I need to crawl off his lap as soon as I can escape' mode, nor even in 'let me up before I behead you' mode.  I just couldn't seem to concentrate, or relax, or let go.  I was too full of adrenalin to try to be even 1% submissive.  

Eventually he thought I had had enough.  "I'm exhausted" he moaned. "I've covered every inch.  Even the tops of your thighs.  You won't sit down for a month!"

"Huh!"  My fight mode was still revving! "We need to get a move on.  Come on, I'll make us breakfast."  I stomped off downstairs and clattered a few pans.

I hadn't felt this way for many a long month.  I was glad.  It felt so much better for a change.

We couldn't find anywhere to park when we got to the hospital.  And that was a right royal pain.  But luckily someone reversed out of a place right in front of us and so we dived straight in.

The consultant, as I said earlier, was running a little late.  My fight mode had ebbed somewhat and I was beginning to feel a little nervous.  We sat very close together and I put my hand in Starman's pocket and rubbed his thigh.  (I know, I'm strange like that - but it's something I've always done!)

"Well" he said without preamble.  "There's nothing more to show on the scan. Nothing in the lymph nodes.  Nothing hiding behind the existing tumours."

Starman and I hugged!

Okay, I know, he still has cancer.  But it could have been so much worse.  At least the tumours are still pussycats and not tigers.

So we told the consultant that we needed time to think about how we would proceed. He was happy with that, and Starman will have what's called frequent surveillance over the next six months.  It means using PSA as a monitoring system, and if it jumps upwards too much, and regardless after six months, he will have more biopsies.  If the tumours start to grow, a decision will have to be made.

We asked him lots of questions and were even shown some of the MRI images on screen. British consultants sometimes are a bit 'terse' and I still had my fight mode hat on, so he wasn't getting away with it.  Much of it comes down to 'quality of life' after treatment, and even he admitted that we had more to lose than couples in their eighties.  However, we would cross those bridges if we had to.

In the meantime, we were told of some clinical trials in London using high intensity focused ultrasound to blast at the tumours.  Starman will apply to go on these, but at this point we don't know whether he will be accepted or not.  So we will have to wait and see.

But the important thing for us is that we can now get to grips with moving forward in a positive way to tackle this cancer.  And we feel much better about that.  We want to carry on as normally as possible.  We don't intend it to defeat us.

Back in the car we breathed a sigh of relief.  My fight mode was completely gone, but it didn't matter.  I didn't need it any more for the time being.

I am sure that much of the strength we found today was because of the prayers, blessings and good thoughts you ALL sent our way.  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts!