These Memes Keep Coming....

I borrowed this from Sunny and I'm just wondering how many more there are out there?

Have you ever....

1  Shot a gun?  Yes, we have a shotgun.
2  Watched someone die?  Sadly, yes.
3  Served on a jury?  Luckily no.
4  Flown on a plane?  Yes, all sorts of the things!
5  Swam in the ocean?  Atlantic, Pacific and Indian.
6  Cried yourself to sleep?  Unfortunately, yes.
7  Been camping in a trailer/RV?  Yes, we call them     caravans over here, and they are not my thing!
8  Rode on an elephant?  Yes, I sat on her neck and it was VERY high up.  We wandered decorously through the jungle and her name was 'Lucy'.  The smell of elephant clung to my sandals for three years afterwards!
9  Rode on a camel?  The last time was the scariest because the boy who was meant to be leading let go and made the wretched thing gallop and I was much more wobbly than Lawrence of Arabia, and it made me feel quite seasick. 
10  Been lost?  Once or twice - and Starman wasn't exactly a happy man.
11  Eaten just cookies or cake for dinner?  In my student days most definitely.  The worst dinner I had was tomato ketchup sandwiches.
12  Been on TV?  No
13  Been on the radio?  No
14  Been in a car accident?  Yes, once or twice....
15  Donated blood?  No
16  Got a speeding ticket within the last 12 months?  No, Starman would kill me - at least my bottom would be the colour of this font.  
17  Gotten a piercing (not ears)?  Tempted - but  no.
18  Gotten a tattoo?  Starman, once again, would kill me, and I would sooooo love a tiny daisy on my left ankle in gold.
19  Flew in a hot air balloon?  No, but it's on the bucket list.
20  Flew in a helicopter?  Again, it's something I would love to do one day.
21  Gone parasailing?  I'd love to but I'm scared.
22  Been on a jet ski, snowmobile or dune buggy?  Had a hair-raising ride on a dune buggy once - hung on for grim death with some mad Arab at the wheel!

A Question of Tolerance!

This is on the side of my message pad that sits on my desk!  It got me thinking.  Then I remembered a topic that our dear Roz (at Roz in His Hands) talked about a while back.  It all had to do with TOLERANCE.  So I wanted to explore it further.

When we first think about tolerance our minds immediately go to pain thresholds, and how some people are more sensitive to pain than others.  Just look at childbirth as an example.  In my case I am terrified of going to the dentist.  This dates back from the horrendously painful removal of an impacted wisdom tooth when I was twenty one, that broke my jaw and resulted in months of remedial care.  When something happens in your life associated with pain, it can have a lasting impact on your reaction to other painful episodes.

But first, I'd like to look at tolerance in a wider sense.

What I want to know is "Just how tolerant are we towards each other?"

If you take the time to think about it, it can be very scary.  (I'm just going to refer to "he" as it takes too long to type he/she all the time.)

What is there about your other half that irritates and annoys you?  Does he leave the lid off the toothpaste and pubic hairs all over the shower tray?  Does he snore or (giving away a secret here) lie on his back making 'popping noises' as he breathes?  Does he leave dirty dishes on the work surface immediately above the dishwasher and never so much as put even a mug inside?  Does he leave every pair of shoes he wears under the coffee table and never thinks about returning them to his wardrobe/closet?  Does he leave his laundry all over his half of the bedroom/dressing room and expect you to pick it all up and convey it downstairs to be washed?  Does he expect you to be on time (to the minute) when going out somewhere, only to go back about forty times for his glasses/mobile phone/tickets/map/money-off vouchers, etc etc?  

See what I mean?  These are just a few of the little trials and tribulations I have had to contend with over the last 35 years.  I am used to them.  I rarely complain.  (Well, okay I do sometimes!)  But on the whole, I love him for better and for worse, right?!  

But now you have embarked on a new dynamic.  After years of nagging/arguing/disagreeing/throwing your weight around, you have returned him to his rightful place in the family - at the top of the pecking order.  Not only have you agreed to show your man some respect at long last, but you are going to have to be more tolerant of his behaviour.

BUT, is he tolerant of all the little things you do to irritate him?  And is he going to continue to be tolerant?

HA!!!

This is where it can all go tits up!

He has long been waiting for an opportunity to safely address your shortcomings.  And, oh boy, is he going to enjoy himself or what?!!!

Suddenly the fact that my mobile, more often than not, gets left on the kitchen counter next to the Tasimo machine, is a major crime!  Heaven only help me if I ever got a puncture and didn't have the blessed thing with me!  Starman and number one son only bought it for me in the first place because I got a puncture on a motorway that runs not far from where we live, and I walked to get help, with huge juggernauts speeding past me!  It took a year for the dust to settle on that one, believe me!

Suddenly if I leave lights on in rooms we are not using, or if I leave my computer on all night or during the daytime when at work, these have become major crimes that have to be addressed!  Never mind if he has inadvertently left a space heater on all night out in his office - that is not in question.  But a low wattage light bulb, left on when it should have been turned off, is an irritation that he is no longer willing to be tolerant towards, and must be addressed to ensure the irritating pattern is broken!

See where I'm going with this?  

His lack of tolerance can be tied directly in with what then becomes 'my lack of tolerance'!

At present, having discovered the power-shift in our household is at last having an effect, I find myself having to bite my bottom lip in order not to make disparaging remarks that will ultimately lead to my tolerance levels being severely tested.  It may be an exciting time for a new HOH, but it is a very trying time for his wife's bottom!

Until we have made it through the first year, I shall continue to regard us as "Newbies".  After all, a year ago I had never heard of 'spanking' in a relationship (I kid you not!), so it is an enormous journey of self-discovery; one that my poor, sweet, gentle and caring husband has been dragged coerced into taking with me.  Not only that, but I now expect him to lead the way!  Some of you have been doing this with differing amounts of success for years.  Thank goodness.  Because without you many of us would be drifting far from shore by now!

But this means that for some of us, like me for example, tolerance is a challenge.  You could even say a force to be reckoned with.

We started TTWD with purely erotic spankings.  I have to be honest - they are still our favourite type.  They are always as a precursor to sex and we rarely get further than ten minutes or so, because our need for each other takes over in a big way.  Sometimes Starman just uses his hand for these.  I just adore good girl spankings particularly because of the intimacy between us, and the fact that they make us feel like giggly teenagers making out in the back seat of the car!

  

Our weekly maintenance/reaffirmation spankings depend on what has been going on during the week, and what may be on the horizon in the week ahead.  Sometimes they are short, and sometimes can go for up to half an hour.  But usually they are a time for us to talk - mostly Starman talks and I listen, but he is beginning to expect me to reply to some of his questions, and will 'repeat' spank if I don't.  He is still not too good at warm-ups and says it's because it stings his hand.  (Grrrr, what about my bottom?!)  So he usually uses our leather paddle to warm me up.  I've noticed that the swings are getting more forceful, but I am increasingly able to handle them.

The spankings I get for stress relief can be short if we only have a few minutes to squeeze one in, but they are wonderful because they 'really hit the spot'!  They are usually intense and can bring me to tears almost immediately.  I don't get a warm up unless we have plenty of time.  This is mostly when the HH comes into play.  You can see the size - it's like a small paddle!  I hate it but it rarely leaves a mark unless Starman hammers at the same spot again and again (which he can be known to do!).  Heaven knows why in my innocence I went out and bought the largest hairbrush in the shop! After all, what did I think it was going to be used for?!

If I have caused Starman to put his biggest, tallest HOH hat on, I have learned to expect a much harder spanking.  Occasionally I'll have to wait several days for this to take place, which isn't too good.  The anticipation either stresses me out, or I send it to the back of my mind and ignore it.  Our little wooden spatula is nothing to look at, but fills my soul with ice just thinking about it.  It is vile, bruises, and due to the way he now snaps his wrist, can leave not only a lasting impression, but makes the spanked area itch like the blazes all day long. You can laugh, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone's bum! 

Similarly he now employs a thick wooden (polished walnut) salad server that hurts a hundred times more than any wooden spoon in our kitchen, especially when administered to the sit-spots!  

We have a variety of wooden spoons of the ordinary, mixing variety.  They are stingy, but after the salad server, don't pack the same punch!

We also have a bright purple silicon spoon I also avoid like the plague, and a bright pink silicon spatula.  Fortunately the connection between my imitation of an eel, and the items pictured below, haven't yet registered on Starman's "I think we'll try this one again today..." list.

We've only tried a belt once.  Starman isn't happy about using one.  I found out, relatively recently, that he was hit with one as a child, and he has never forgiven or forgotten.  After the 'wood' it didn't feel particularly threatening, but then, Starman couldn't, or wouldn't, try to get the hang of it.  He ended up telling me to put it back into the drawer from whence it came.  Every suggestion to try it since then has met with fierce opposition, and TTWD is consensual after all.

And don't even mention a plastic coat-hanger to me!  It may be silent, but it is deadly, and so far it is the only item that has me shooting to my feet and rubbing furiously!  I am in awe of anyone who can cope with feeling the fiery semi-triangle this lays across their bum!  And I am definitely NOT quiet, so it rather defeats the object!

Finally, this little sweetie is great fun to play with!  On the other hand, it IS a whippy little switch, and it can sting as much as you want it to!

Starman ALWAYS requests me to choose an implement.  I tried bringing him a 'lesser' weapon once, and the spanking ended up much harder and longer, so now I hold one up and wait for his agreement before bringing it to him.  We mostly use a different implement for each and every spanking, so that I don't get used to the same one and become able to detach myself from the pain of it.  He sometimes uses two or three implements in a session for the same reason.

Looking at the implements some of you incorporate into your dynamic, the length of time you get spanked for, the different positions you employ, I am more than impressed.  Whilst much of our kitchen has emigrated into the bedroom, Starman usually picks out the same implements time and time again.

We have a carpet beater just like the one in the picture - happily it stays hanging on the kitchen wall where it belongs when it's not beating rugs!

Positions

We have not been very adventurous as yet.  Starman's preferred position is to sit propped up by the headboard and I have to lie over his lap.  He holds me in place with his left hand.  It's a great position for studying the floorboards on the other side of the bed, and I can use the duvet to muffle my squawks.  I need to be careful about kicking because he has, on occasion, spanked my foot, which is very painful.  I try not to kick, but it depends on the force, the speed and where the spanks land.  He has had to put his right leg over both of mine to keep me in position and stop me crawling forwards and off on to the floor.

Over the knee, my upper body on the bed, grimly holding on to a pillow or duvet - only used for discipline.  I suspect the next step on from this will be right over his knees with my palms on the floor, but we haven't built up to this yet, and I'm certainly not going to encourage it - but it has been mentioned.

On my hands and knees on the bed, resting on my arms/elbows - a highly sexual position, only used so far for GG spankings, with incredible results!  I'm saying no more!  It stretches the skin over the buttocks and makes me feel incredibly vulnerable.  Everything hurts used in this position, and Starman has a tendency to swing more!

We tried, just once, over the footboard of our bed, but I thought my ribs were going to break.  If I leaned further over, it hurt my stomach too much.  So not successful.

Tolerance and Emotion

I honestly believe I can take far more of everything during a GG/erotic spanking.  Longer, harder - just more!  Starman will rub my bottom quite often between spanks.  He will talk and joke.  I can happily enjoy these spankings for up to half an hour as he builds in intensity very gradually, alternating between flurries and hard spanks that have several seconds between them.  The fine line between pleasure and pain simply disappears.  I find myself pushing up to meet the spanks, openly inviting more.  Every fibre of my body becomes super sensitive.  These spankings are truly amazing and addictive.

I mostly look forward to my maintenance/reaffirmation spankings, except that I never know how much, if any, discipline is going to be tacked on to the end. They are spankings for a reason, and are sometimes hard to endure.  A week ago, for the first time ever, I yelled at Starman to stop.  I just couldn't bear another spank.  He didn't.  I received another ten or so before he told me I could get up.  I don't always cry during these spankings, but I have to admit to my eyes being wet more often than not.  I've noticed that my tolerance levels vary according to what he wants to discuss as well as the implement(s) used.

Here's another thing.  I am not allowed to get up until I am given permission to do so.  This wasn't the case when we first started.  But now, regardless of what type of spanking I am getting, I have to wait.  If I am crying hard, this is a good thing, because it gives me time to calm down.  I've only ever felt angry and resentful of my spanking once, and I just had to lie and fester.  In fact he started over again to drive the point home.  

If we are having an erotic spanking session I still have to lie there, but usually this is for other reasons!  The time this is hardest, is after a discipline spanking, because I need to be cuddled and reassured as soon as possible.

So far I have received only a few 'stand alone' discipline spankings.  Once, over his knee, I nearly kicked his teeth out, and thereafter had my legs immobilised for safety reasons.  There is never a warm up, and I am reduced to sobs almost immediately.  I hate the fact that I have returned to my old ways, that I have upset and disappointed Starman in some way.  Initially when we started spanking he hated to see me cry.  Now it is a part of the healing process.  

The pain and the emotions are inseparable in this type of spanking. Every nerve ending is on high alert.  Starman's intention is to achieve a result, and my tolerance seems very low.  I never thought I'd say it, but I feel, deeply inside, like a little girl who is being taken to task!  It's not a nice feeling.

I would like to thank Roz very much for agreeing to do this dual post with me.  so could I ask you to go there?  She is writing hers not only from a more experienced perspective, but naturally she and Rick have a different approach, and incorporate rather more into their dynamic.  

I did try to insert her blog link here - but as usual a window opened, asked me to choose from several options, and I was too nervous to press anything!  Such is life!  Remember, Roz is at Roz in His Hands.  Keep checking for her post.  She is going to post tomorrow, but with the time differences we are asking everyone to just keep their eyes peeled!

Apocalypse Now!

This is likely to be a long post, so if you don't want to bother - I forgive you!  I have also just finally discovered (don't be surprised, I am blonde you know!) how to import images to use instead of having to create all my own.  So I have gone mad with them!!!

It's taken me a long time to process this spanking, and even now I'm not sure my brain and my bottom are connected, but I finally feel the need to talk about it.

At first, I admit, I viewed our journey through somewhat rose-tinted specs.

I don't know what I had in mind exactly.  I just know I wanted to take this journey so bad I could have taken my skin off, shaken it out, and put it back on again - and it would still have itched like the blazes.

So we began, tentatively at first, then tentatively still, and then even more tentatively.

The road looked easy enough to travel - from where I was standing.

It was good and straight.  There was very little, if any, other traffic.  Just a pleasant, shady, greenness that enfolded us and lured us onwards one step at a time.

Occasionally we hit a little bump, or ended up making a small detour, but nothing that we couldn't handle and ultimately work out.

But now Starman seems to be growing into his HOH role (if that is what it is) rather quicker than I can cope with.  A very slow learning curve for weeks on end, and now POW! he has taken off in a BIG way!  Or so it seems to me....

I should have suspected about three weeks ago when he suddenly started referring to my "resets" as "maintenance" spankings.

I was offered some advice about relinquishing control, about prising my fingers open one at a time.  It was soon after that that he employed not only the leather paddle, but the HH in quite a deliberate way, to sort out my "attitude".  I was fairly dumbstruck!

And then, only a matter of days later, something else happened.

The stars in my universe are still whirling!

He'd been away all day, a good two and a half hour's car journey at the sort of speeds that Starman likes to drive, running a high level meeting.

The house was all peace and quiet for a change - and I enjoyed it!  I got up late and did all the things I don't usually get to do, like sewing my patchwork, messing around in the garden, and a considerable time playing on the blogs.  The time just flew!

I knew, and had planned, just what I wanted to cook for dinner that evening; and I had half prepared it.

Then the inevitable happened, and Murphy's Law kicked in.  I had a whole series of telephone calls, and even a couple of friends called in and stayed chatting rather longer than I had time for.

Still, I decided that I would chill a bottle of wine and we'd have a relaxing drink together when he got home, whilst I finished cooking.  And I thought I still had plenty of time!

WRONG!!!

He arrived back much earlier than I had anticipated.  I was still in the "cooking preparation" stage before it was to go in the oven for 45 minutes.

Oh well.  I offered him a glass of wine and he refused and said he would have some with dinner.  He went through his mail and popped out into his office to check his emails on the "big screen" instead of on his mobile.  He then returned to the kitchen and our son came in and joined us.  The men sat at the table discussing their day.  I was beginning to feel harassed.

When Starman saw me put the meal in the oven to finish cooking he asked me if I knew what the time was.  I glanced at the clock and saw it was much later than I had realised, due to the phone calls, callers etc.  He drummed his fingers on the table, and looked at me with exasperation.

I told him that he was welcome to have it but that it would be half raw.

Red rag to a bull!

We started to argue.

I could feel my temper rising but I was very upset that he was not giving me the benefit of the doubt.

We continued to argue over dinner, and he told me that it seemed to him that dinner was getting later and later every day, every week.  I got furious with him.  I told him we weren't five year olds and that we don't need to eat at 5 o'clock every day, and that 7.30 was hardly midnight!

Our son sat and ate in silence.  When he had finished, he cleared away his plate, put it in the dishwasher, and left us to it.  By this time both Starman and I were seething and there was a definite frosty silence.

I slammed around clearing the kitchen and putting the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and washing the few other odds and bits at the sink.

Starman went and sat on the sofa with the newspaper, and the TV on, gadget firmly in hand, and snoozed.  (He had had an extremely early start.)  I got fed up in the end, and took myself off to bed and read my Kindle.  When he finally came to bed I was already asleep.

It poured with rain all night, and I awoke at around 2am and just couldn't get back to sleep until around 5.  In fact, I took myself off to the spare room, but all that gave me was a bad back and a crick in my neck!  When I awoke around 7.30 I felt like something the cat had brought in! 

However, I got up and went downstairs and got us tea/coffee and brought it back to bed.

We sat and drank in total silence!

I had thought the argument had blown over, although I continued to feel annoyed and uncomfortable.  But Starman had other ideas.

Although his anger from the previous night had died down, he was still pretty cross with me.  He waited until I had finished my coffee.  Then he turned to me.

"You, madam, have a spanking due!  Get your kit off and go get an implement!"

I froze.

"I beg your pardon".

"You heard."

He had that sort of "don't you dare mess with me" look on his face.

"When you first started this thing Ami, what was it you said to me?  Something about Disobedience, Dishonesty, Disrespect and Danger?"

"I may have done...."

"You know damn well you did!  Now which of those do you think I ought to spank you for?!!!"

"You've got to be joking, right?"

"Do I look as if I am joking?  Go get an implement and get into position!"

My feet would hardly move.  I was stunned.  Completely taken aback.

Our son was home doing his invoicing and wages, and I was terrified he would hear us.  I strongly objected, but Starman was immoveable.  He repeated his request that I undress and lay across his lap.

I stood looking at our little collection of toys implements, and hesitated.

"Bring the wooden spatula" came the command, "and hurry up!  This will, due to circumstance, only be a short spanking, but believe me Ami, you will feel every single stroke of it!"

I fetched the spatula with the greatest of reluctance, which I threw at him handed him, although at that point I was thinking it was pretty innocuous and I need not be worried.  

WRONG!!!!

It was a butt-searingly awful spanking!  He held me down securely with his left arm, put his right leg over both mine to stop me kicking him, and spanked and spanked!  He spanked many times on the same spot, and he really spanked harder than I can ever remember.  He told me he was determined to get his point across that all I did was procrastinate, ignore his requests, and then make out that he was in the wrong.

I was very upset because I had had such good intentions for him coming home, and dinner.  I really, truly felt the punishment was unjustified.

He had told me it would be a short spanking, but it went on and on.  

When, at one point, I thought it had finished, he started up again.  He even adjusted me slightly bringing my bottom higher, and he spanked my sit spots and the sides of my buttocks.

 

He lectured me the whole time about disobedience, disrespect and dishonesty, and I couldn't reply because I was too busy sobbing into the duvet so that I wouldn't be heard.

He finally let me up and cuddled and soothed me but I was so upset and indignant with him.  I really felt he was mistaken and was refusing to see my point of view.  I had never felt that way before.  

I remained angry, with angry tears that wouldn't stop coming.  I sat there stiffly and refused to put my arms around him despite his encouragement. 

He was implacable.

He lifted me back across his lap and gently rubbed my bottom.  

Then he touched me - there!

I was still sniffling loudly at this point, my bottom throbbing.

He laughed!  Yes he did!  He laughed!

Then he became more persistent.  

I wriggled.  My horrible, wretched body wouldn't co-operate with my feelings of resentment!

"Let me up - I hate you!" I wailed.

He sat me up and regarded me, and then handed me a kleenex and told me to blow my nose.

"No you don't" he told me, and laughed again and nestled his face in my boobs before launching a full on attack and making me cry, laugh and shriek in the same breath.

My body forced me to capitulate - but I was still deeply annoyed.

To make matters worse, I had a dental appointment to prepare a back tooth for the fitting of a crown, which was also painful, and entailed me sitting in the dentist's chair for at least an  hour.  Not only was I bruised, but a very angry red, and sitting still was the last thing I wanted.  

It took me all day to think about what had taken place, and to come to terms with it, while Starman was fine, and acted as if nothing untoward had happened.

I thought and thought.  This wasn't how it was meant to be surely?  

We had been jogging along, slowly and uneventfully.  Maybe there had been the odd indication that Starman was growing horns, antlers, spurs?  But nothing in particular.  I enjoyed being spanked - right?  Starman enjoyed spanking me - didn't he?

All of a sudden, what was this?!!!  I had planned such a nice dinner!  Even wine!  And he had spoiled it all!

My mind turned in circles all day.  I even emailed a couple of friends in my 'anger, anxiety and quest to get answers'.  And then it gradually dawned, like the first star of the evening - Venus isn't it?

I remembered Mick's post very clearly - something about the husband suddenly "getting it" and the wife then wondering what 'entity' she had let loose into the world!!

But let me put your minds at rest.

The spanking probably didn't take much more than fifteen minutes. He lectured during the spanking and between the flurries, and then again before the second half of the spanking.  In my head, and as far as my butt was concerned, it seemed very much longer, because there is no doubt that it was a 'serious' spanking instead of just a 'warning' or 'maintenance' or even a 'stress release' spanking.  I was crying too hard to be able to respond to any questions, and anyway, I was too mad!  

It was the first ever time it took me by surprise, and I wasn't being allowed to protest or say anything to get out of it.

To those of you who use wooden paddles, and even comparing it to our wooden backed hairbrush (which is large, oval and solid), the wooden spatula is fairly small, quite thin, and gives sharp, stinging, scalding swats.  It is lightweight and easy to use with a flick of the wrist.  The burning sensation is absolutely horrid, but it could never, ever 'harm' me, and Starman has become quite the expert in its use.  He has learned to use the nasty thing with maximum skill and effectiveness, to impart a message to my bottom and thereby to my brain.  The spanks administered to the regions where thigh meets buttock, and on the sides of the buttocks, were the worst and hurt like hell.

But what hurt the most was the realisation that I had earned that spanking.  

I knew he was completely right to spank me, and that he was wise not to let anything get in its way.  He took the decision to act as soon he could, and to his credit, he let his anger die away first, hence saving the spanking until the morning.

When we first discussed this life change, and I explained to him that I wanted him to take back control, I suppose I had my own romantic ideas of what it would be like.  That everything would gradually develop and it would all be easy.  It's simply not the case is it?  As soon as you have overcome one learning curve, there is another one, even steeper, behind it.

I gave him the control, but I disregarded the consequences.  And then I felt angry and resentful that he had followed through.  Whilst I was delighted and relieved that he had taken back the power in our household, I was hurt and indignant and humbled in a way I have never felt before.

We have talked about it all.  About the reasons and about the consequences. It makes sense, it really does.  My temperament, the tone of my voice, the edge to it sometimes when I get worked up, is something that he has warned me about and has wanted to address for a very long time.  

In essence, it wasn't really so much about the "late dinner" but more about disobedience, disrespect and dishonesty.  It was simply a coincidence that I had chosen to write about 'attitude' a day or so before in a post, and all I can say is that Starman is now very determined to break the cycle.  He was especially angry that he felt I was talking to him like a subordinate, and in front of our son too.  It is behaviour he is no longer willing to put up with.

He always has hated traffic jams!  He needed to get the system cleared and sorted out once and for all.

We discussed the fact that I thought it hurt too much, and that when I thought it had stopped he started again.  He explained that this is part of where I am trying to remain in control.  He said that it is for him to decide when I may get up, and that he was just reinforcing that fact, and would continue to do so in the future.  He said that nothing would make him happier than to have "good girl" spankings all the time; but that we had discussed that we wanted to give this a go, and that it might take some time to get it right for us, and that it was my job to trust him.

I bruise very easily.  One of the reasons is that I take a low dosage aspirin every day.  Yet I have noticed that it is that one particular implement (the wooden spatula) that has more than a tendency to leave bruises.  Even the HH, used liberally, leaves only a glowing redness.

The other thing is that he gave me no warm up - he went straight into the punishment.  His way of thinking was that he didn't feel I deserved a warm up because the punishment needed to have maximum effect on me.  Also, the areas that were the most bruised were those he spanked again and again on the same spot.  He said he has noticed that, for me, that is an excellent away of reinforcing what he had to say.

Another thing that led to my feelings of anger, was that instead of just being allowed to climb on to his lap and be cuddled afterwards, and reassured, he wanted to make love to me - and my body reacted to him accordingly!  In my view I wasn't given time to get my head around what had just happened.  

In his mind, I had been punished, forgiven, and was how receiving the biggest assurance of his love he could give me.  Yet my mind, and my bottom, were still trying to process the severity of the spanking.

We have had no end of discussion about all of this.  There are many "Whys?" to find answers for.  

I have had to acknowledge that sometimes I will not agree with his judgement, and will get spanked anyway.  This will certainly be, in Starman's view,  just the first of many spankings that I initially don't agree with.  But he is now in control and I have to give him my trust.  Especially now that my butt is going to be on the line.  He will hear me out - but the call will be his.

For several days now he has been going around pawing at the ground, puffing out his chest feathers, and roaring a warning every time he thinks I may be leaning towards a misjudgement of circumstance.

I find that I have started to share my thoughts with him much more than in the past - asking his opinion for a start, before just jumping in with both feet!  But I have noticed that he is doing lots of small things because he wants to please me too. 

It's taken a week, but I think we are in a better place now than we were before.  For a while there it was touch and go.  It wasn't even as if we were out of step.  Instead of dancing together we had danced away from each other.   

As I mentioned before, you have to remember that there are two of you in this.  It's not going to be all hearts and flowers every minute.  Work, health, stress levels, children, in-laws, even the weather - they all conspire to put a spanner in the works from time to time.  Unless something miraculous happens in the meantime, to the whole of mankind, we are all going to continue to have feet of clay. 

And some of us, like me, are going to continue to get their butts roasted on a regular basis.  Believe me, I have a very strong feeling about that!  Views of floorboards will possibly continue to make a strong impression in this household.

And in case you are wondering, yes, there is more.  But I'll save that till next time....

A Question of Attitude

Mr BB Spanker discussed something recently that I found very interesting.  It was centred around "One TIH's View of the HOH Role".  There was one point in particular that I felt I needed to discuss, and he suggested this post in order that I might share my thoughts with you.  

When I read the above post, initially I thought it was pretty good, although I didn't agree with it all either.  However, by the time I had read the discussion points, and re-read both them, and the post a couple of times, I had a much clearer understanding.

However, what has occurred to me is that having followed various blogs now since last September, there is an emerging pattern.  I find that the younger folk here have quite a different approach.  It is so interesting to read their posts.  I would not wish to put all of my thoughts about them into print as being very new, and just learning myself, I might inadvertently give the wrong impression, when really I am just, at times, a bit of a confused Ami.

I do find though, that the older folk, with long marriages over twenty years say, approach things more stealthily, and the ones, like myself, with over thirty years, are almost like large felines sizing up their King of Beasts.  We have, what could be referred to, as 'life experience'.  We have weathered a great many storms, and survived.  We have learned to read each other pretty well.  We have learned to argue, or not.  What has a common thread to us, is that we have all had a time in our marriages that we are not proud of.  We have turned to Dd/TTWD (and usually it seems to be the woman who has introduced it) in an effort to make things better, to address our faults, and tackle our differences.

For myself, I still retain a great amount of guilt.  It doesn't matter that I am long forgiven; or that I have tried to shut it away in the deeper recesses of my mind - I still can't forget about the damage I did, nearly irreparable damage, to our marriage.

We have come a long way in four and a half months.  Starman is gradually regaining his status as King of Beasts - the person he was when we first married, and before Bitch/Troll grew to a nearly unshakable entity.  Our most inspirational and enlightening 'discussions' remain those when I am OTK - without a doubt.

He rarely bruises me these days, although it still happens when certain wooden implements are used! (He is still very uncertain about using a belt and hasn't been very successful with it on the odd occasions we have tried).  He has discovered that he can invoke a response of great magnitude just using his hand, but that his hand is then virtually as red as my behind and probably stings as much!  The hairbrush remains my Waterloo, and I view it as one would view a poisonous snake!  And we now have a 'small' bath brush that is as yet, unused, though hung in a prominent place!  

At this point in our journey, corner time, for me, would be a very hard limit, although in five years time, who knows?  I need to feel him as the strong unmoving, constant in my life.  I have never been spanked in any other position than OTK (apart from a quick bend over the bed and a short volley of spanks on one memorable occasion), and he has told me he likes to feel me lying across him, even though he has to use his strength at times to keep me there, and I sometimes kick pretty hard, and try to stand up or crawl forwards, purely by reflex.

The point that drew my attention most, in One TIH's View of the HOH Role, was number 4, and most specifically in how that was seen through an 'Experienced HOH's Eyes'.

".....She mentions that she fears everything is out of control but doesn't realise she's controlling everything with negative behaviour patterns.  It seems that there is constant disregard for the fact that she needs to also hold herself accountable as an adult...........insecurities reappear and the same behaviour can be repeated over and over again...."

This is what I am afraid of happening.  I keep trying to wrest control from Starman.  Once I get a toe in the door, Bitch/Troll climbs out of the abyss and I have a job pushing her back down.

Starman hates it - I hate it.  What to do?  We are simply unable to address 'behavioural hiccups' when they happen, due to circumstance.  Believe me, we have thought long and hard and not been able to come up with a solution until we are alone.  Even with a quiet implement (which we have not been able to find apart from a dreaded plastic coathanger on a certain person's recommendation) I am most definitely NOT the most quiet of recipients!

Addressing these matters during maintenance is becoming a bit of an issue.  It makes maintenance very long, and is often rather too harsh to consider it maintenance.  Harsh is NOT a good word.  Let us say that the few punishments I have had, have been very painful in order to drive the point home.  Focus may be maintained, but in the several days I have sometimes had to wait, Bitch/Troll has gotten seriously out of hand.  Neither of us want to go back to my often negative behaviour, pre TTWD, and as I have also realised that I quite enjoy a good spanking (well, not at the point that the implement and bottom meet, but immediately afterwards), maintenance sometimes becomes rather too pleasurable.  We genuinely reaffirm not only our dynamic, but also our love, and we laugh a great deal in pure happiness.

I can summarise by saying that our view of the road ahead is much clearer than it was, but we still have our moments.  I say "our" on purpose.  There are two of us in this, and sometimes I get the feeling that wives can forget the husband has feelings too; or the husband forgets that he is human and can sometimes "over-react", or not react at all.

The recurring pattern of 'attitude' is the main thing I need to address.  I will never be a 'meek' wife.  Heaven forbid!  We are both too passionate for that.  But if anyone has anything constructive to offer on how I can break this cycle of "nice Ami" "nasty Ami", please let me hear it.