Sunday 31 January 2016

The Importance of Talking

If life gets you down, you need to share how you feel. You need to talk.

There are so many ways to communicate, but only one way to talkTalking involves looking into someone's eyes, and sharing information aloud.


And it is sometimes very hard to do.


I often think that I am one of the world's worst at talking with Dan. Note I said with and not to.


I want to say things, but I tend to clam up, and I get very emotional. Which doesn't help anyone.

There was a time when I was very much 'in command' at all times. 



When the going gets tough, the tough get going could have been written for me. Many is the time when I have sallied forth like a galleon in full sail. I would sweep everyone and everything out of my way in my determination to achieve an objective. 



I can even remember literally elbowing Dan out of the way once. (It didn't go down very well and we ended up having an enormous argument.) Thankfully that is at least twenty years in the past if not more. But that is how in control I used to be. With Dan away so much, it was often a case of having to be.

Now, we seem to have gone to the other extreme. In trying to stand back, I have placed the decision-making process so firmly on Dan's shoulders that when he needs to discuss something, I find it overwhelming and very often end up dissolving into tears. For no real reason except I seem to have got out of the habit of making any decisions at all.


So, what to do short of drinking lots of strong coffee on a regular basis, or strong gin and tonics, or a combination of the two? 

The answer is that I had to pull myself together, gird my loins, and talk about how I was feeling.

With that in mind I got up early, or reasonably so. We don't do 'early' very much any more. Or late. (Well, I don't at least.)

I brought our tea and coffee back to bed and decided I had to engage Dan in conversation, and instead of the usual discussion about builders, plumbers, the size of the proposed garden shed, the ordering of a second brown bin for garden waste, more lighting in the kitchen, why the steering in my car didn't feel right..... I talked to him about us.



I sat up in bed drinking my coffee, and I didn't turn on the waterworks. It was hard, and I got a lump in my throat and welled up a bit, but I stayed on course.

Like many other couples, life gets in the way for us, sometimes. More than sometimes. I was feeling neglected by Dan. He seemed to have time for everyone and everything else, but me.


He was coming to bed later and later, usually falling asleep in his armchair with the TV talking to itself. He would start to snore immediately his head touched the pillow and would rarely give my bottom its usual loving caress. There were no kisses or loving gestures during the day, let alone at night. Spanking seemed to have disappeared whence it came, and sex was but a distant memory.

It was affecting me so much that I would go to bed dog tired, then wake up around two in the morning and lie there tossing and turning until around five, when I would drop into a deep sleep and then wake up a couple of hours later feeling like I had been slammed into by a runaway train. 
So talking to him about us could not be put off for a minute longer.

I did my best to explain my feelings. I needed him to know that I wasn't resentful, just left out and lonely. I wanted very badly to get back to walking the same road instead of travelling along two different routes.

I can't remember exactly what I said to him, or what he said to me, but I do know that I explained my feelings as best I could. And I listened to what he had to say in reply. Typical Dan, he hadn't even noticed how disconnected we were becoming from each other. He simply hadn't thought about it.

But realisation dawned, and he pulled me into his chest for a long hug. His voice was quite shaky as he whispered how much he loved me.



I told him that I know only too well that I am not at all perfect, and that I need keeping in line. I said that I thought we were long past me having to ask for a de-stress or reinforcement spanking, and that I thought he was letting things slide. 

I asked him if spanking bothered him; if he was tired of it all; if he truly wanted to go back to how we had been before.

Did he want me ruling the roost and laying down the law? Talking over him? Just going ahead and making decisions without asking his opinion? Did he want to return to us living perfectly amicably, but as two strangers under the same roof?


Dan was quite horrified. He hadn't realised that in just two weeks my mind could go on a spree of misconceptions. I don't think he understood just how needy a dd/ttwd wife can be, and that we need constant reining in and reassurance. The odd pat on the head just doesn't cut it any more.


"You know," I told him, "you don't even swat my behind in passing these days. I used to really enjoy it. After all, there are only the two of us living here. Spanking doesn't have to be consigned to mornings or evenings. Neither do other things."

"Ah, but I like my comforts, Ami" he replied. "Go get the paddle."

This all took place some weeks ago. We are the better for it. The talking worked. Real talking. Not just the type where you assume your other half understands what you are on about. I found it quite painful to have this type of conversation, yet it was just what was needed.

We understand each other better, and we have gone forward once more.

I have been spanked countless times since that talk. They have all been different types of spankings, and with different implements. Some have been positively scrummy, and others not. Some have taken me completely by surprise, particularly in their intensity. We have even gone back to the occasional spanking over the footboard of the bed, instead of always over the knee, which I can assure all who are reading, is not to be recommended as it forces you forward on to your toes, and stretches the skin.

He's even begun to call our impromptu spankings "top-ups"! 

Some of these spankings have made me laugh, and some have made me cry. They have all been good for me. They have been good for Dan too! (I prefer the leather paddle and he prefers the big nipper. LOL!)

I learned a lot from our talk. Mainly that I won't let things slide for two weeks, ever again. It's not as if I am trying to talk with a stranger. It's Dan I'm talking with.

Although I do know that we never want the stress of moving house ever again, something positive has come out of the process. We like our ttwd life. We may have our hiccups along the road, but we are never going back.


28 comments:

  1. Nice to hear from you. So happy things are "happy" in your area. Changing address can be stressful but it sounds as if you two have found your stride.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lucky you to be all settled! Whew, it's hard work moving house!
      However, there's nothing like a challenge. Thanks for your comment!

      Hugs
      Ami

      Delete
  2. Ami, I guess I am the first this morning. Funny how this comes to happen without your really realizing it. Those touches and swats and spankings are just little reminders, but they are important. I am surprised you could say all that without tears.

    When Sam has hesitated over a spanking, I try to explain to him that for me the spanking is just another way for him to say,"I love you." When he forgets or doesn't want to bother, the connection starts to crumble. We say "never going back" too.

    Hugs Across the Pond,
    Ella

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think at times we all have these little niggles. It's just important to tackle them at source. LOL!

      It's the very first time, in such a circumstance, that I have managed such a conversation without tears, and it was such a relief to manage to get the words out.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  3. Hi Ami, I am glad to hear from you. Sorry about the bump in the road but glad it is smoothed out now. I hope all continues to get better as you settle in to your new house
    love Jan,xx

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    Replies
    1. We're not yet in the new house. The solicitors are taking ages! Hence all the stresses.

      Thanks for commenting.

      Hugs
      Ami

      Delete
  4. Ah...so glad to read this. It is hard to really talk..even to the love of your life...but it is usually so worth it. Took me a long time to get there too.
    hugs abby

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    Replies
    1. It is difficult. Glad you said it took you a long time as well.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  5. I'm so glad that you're back on!
    I often cry if there hasn't been a random swat
    In a while. I don't know why. Sometimes that means more than a kiss

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Rachel! These random swats are so important, aren't they? I just love them!

      Hugs
      Ami

      Delete
  6. Hi Ami, Eric has NEVER given me a random swat. I guess I need to "talk" to him. It sounds lovely. Amy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Amy! Thanks for stopping by!

      Believe me, it's taken Dan a very long time to get used to "random" swats! But talking is so very important.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  7. Ami you are very brave to begin the conversation. That's something I am terrible at. Best I can do is send an email. I'm so happy this has smoothed things over for you and that you both realize this takes some time and thought - not hard work as much as just remembering.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good grief, PK, you've no idea how difficult! But I knew I had to have this particular talk. Glad I did, although I don't hold out hope that Dan will keep it up for ever. I expect he'll need reminding eventually. LOL!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  8. Aww Ami...So happy you talked with Dan got everything straightened out. I do understand what you were going through...more than sex, I miss the random hugs, cuddles and 'drive by' swats. I do like Dan's "Top-ups"...that is too funny. Hope your moving is almost done.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Top-ups" are not always funny, Cat! LOL!

      We haven't moved yet! The solicitors are still going through all the searches! Takes forever! But I am very glad we had our little conversation as it certainly helped.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  9. Hi Ami,talking is so damn hard. Good on you for starting that very difficult conversation. I too understand missing those connections and random swats. I'm so glad you and Dan are back in your happy place.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. It's incredibly hard, Roz. It was a conversation we had to have, though. I'm glad we're back in our happy place as well!

      Hugs
      Ami

      Delete
  10. Hi Ami, so good to hear from you again. Glad you had your talk with Dan and everything is heading in the right direction with the top ups. Hope you are settled in your new home quickly.

    Hugs Lindy

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    Replies
    1. Hi Lindy!

      Yes, we're back to normal once more. Glad I plucked up the courage to talk with Dan though.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  11. Conversation can be illuminating! I think it so funny that he wasn't even aware of the problem until you started talking! Those swats are so meaningful! Sometimes when I start talking out loud I actually begin to see things clearly, otherwise it can be an emotional muddle in my head!
    Glad Dans stepping up his game!

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    Replies
    1. It's one of the few "meaningful" conversations we've had. But no doubt we'll slip back again. It's inevitable.

      Hugs
      Ami

      Delete
  12. Typical Dan, I'm afraid, Minelle.

    Meaningful swats indeed! There have most certainly been some meaningful swats round here lately! LOL!

    Hugs
    Ami

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  13. Conversations like that are so heard but sounds like it worked. Those little passing swats are important, well I think so.

    Happy for you Ami.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just love them! They are VERY important.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  14. Hi Amy!

    It's me Ray. I'm so glad things got worked out. Things were very stormy between my wife and I too a couple of weeks ago, but things are worked out between us now too. We're doing a mini boot camp this weekend. She'll be without pants again for a while but it should be OK

    Take care

    Ray

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    Replies
    1. You and your boot camps! Makes me hoot! Hope all goes well.

      We are fine, but extremely busy with our move.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  15. I could have written this post myself to almost each and every word. Even thinking about it brings a tear to my eyes because that feeling of being lonely and disconnected and living in the same house yet traveling different routes speaks to me so much right now. I am so glad that you shared your feelings and I am so glad he listened and understood your words so you could both reconnect. Hugs

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