Thursday 7 March 2013

Ami's Fall From Grace

I've gone and done what I always said I would never do.

Time and time again I have spoken out against others who have a tendency to do this.  

"How could you?"  I would ask.  "As far as I am concerned, if you behave like that you deserve everything you get.  So don't come running to me complaining after you get it!"

"You're behaving just like a child who can't have her own way" I would add.  "If only you could see yourself!"

And now I have fallen into that very same pit.  I have ignored all the warning signs, lifted my chin into the air, and marched on with complete disregard for the consequence of my actions.

I've been caught sneering at common sense; robustly denying my position in the new order of things; and putting down a hoof and pawing at the ground, before charging forwards at great speed in order to overtake my champion and defender, and leader of the herd.

And all this because he is now in the second week of his "Man Flu", and I feel driven mad by him dragging himself around between bed, sofa and kitchen chair, downing vast quantities of cough syrup, paracetamol and Scotch, and most of all his absence in our bed!  Poor Starman.  He truly witnessed the beast rising from the abyss this morning!

I feel ashamed - and so I should.  Because this morning I was guilty of being the worst kind of BRAT ever!  It reminds me of the old poem:

"There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead,
And when she was good,
She was very, very good.
But when she was bad
She was horrid!"

Starman appeared at my side of the bed with a mug of coffee for me around 7.30 this morning.  I rolled over and observed him snuffling and groaning, and then I rolled back again. 

"I still feel awful" he moaned.  "I'm going back to the doctor to see if he'll give me some more antibiotics.  I don't think the last lot got rid of the tracheaitus (haven't a clue how to spell it!) like they should've.  I'm fed up to death with feeling like this."

He disappeared off back into the spare room.  I glared into my pillows.

I eventually heard him make his call around 8 am, and I decided I would get up and have some toast.  I moved quietly downstairs and put the kettle on for another coffee.  Then I had my usual single slice of 50/50 toast and peanut butter.  (50/50 is half wholemeal and half white)

I sat there sorting out my tablets out for the week (I have to do this every Thursday) and putting them in my container our son bought me specifically for ease of purpose and in order not to forget what to take and when.  Starman came down and joined me.

"No eggs?" he said looking around.  I grunted in reply.  He saw that I wasn't going to do anything about it so he went and poured museli into a bowl and sat chomping on it.

"Blimey it takes you all day to do that" he observed. "Wasn't it easier when you used to just take a tablet from each box every day?"

My reply was/is unprintable.

Each time he started up conversation I snapped back at him like an angry grizzly bear.  

The sky outside was yet another shade of grey, the air was cold and bleak, the squirrels had eaten all the birdseed from the feeders, and Ami Starsong was on the warpath and she didn't care a jot!

"I thought we might go over to W---- M---- for a visit.  We need some more salt tablets for the water softener, and you said you wanted to go to that quilting shop" Starman ventured.  (He's nothing if not persistent.)

"I'm really not bothered" I muttered.  "I can't actually see the point.  All you want to do is get a pound a bag off the price, and it'll cost us that in fuel to drive there.  And if I go to the quilting shop I'll spend money I can't afford, and then you'll have a go at me."

"Hmmm" he said looking at me speculatively.

"Well, I'm off to shower".  I flounced out of the kitchen and upstairs.

Starman followed.

"Don't come upstairs unless you bring those shirts of yours I ironed last night" I threw over my shoulder.

I had my arms full of bed linen, so I stopped on the landing and opened the doors of the airing cupboard and started putting it inside.  I hate an untidy airing cupboard!  Starman appeared with the shirts.

"There's actually only one of mine" he informed me.  "The rest are yours."

"Oh?"  I sniffed, snatched them out of his hand and marched into the bedroom.

I started to sort out hangers, and to put the shirts into the wardrobe.

I felt his presence behind me, but I was disinclined to look round.  I hung up a blue shirt and turned to the bed to pick up a white one.  

But I didn't even get to pick it up, because suddenly there was an arm round my waist, and I was being forced over the footboard of our sleigh bed.  It happened so fast that all I could do was put out my hands to prevent myself from falling flat on my face.

"What the hell?!" I tried to stand up.  He wasn't having any of it.  He hoicked up my nightie (I only wear one when he's in he spare room - I get cold without him!) and slapped me twice very hard on my bare bottom.

I was too surprised to say anything.  

He let me up and removed my robe and nightie in one swift movement.

"Get the spatula!  Now!"

He went and sat on the bed in his usual position with his back to the head board.  "Hurry up!"  He purposely lifted his right eyebrow (the rat!) and glared at me.  "Get it now, and get the lube while you're about it!"

I stood with one hand on my butt and backed against the chest of drawers.  He was not a happy man.  Even allowing for the fact that I hadn't been very happy before, I was not now a very happy Ami.

I kept glaring right up to the moment I handed him that horrid spatula, but as I did so he grabbed my left arm and practically dragged me down over his lap.  

"I've had it with you" he told me.  "What has gotten into you?  I don't expect you to act like this!"  The spatula came down with such momentum it must have caused air displacement!

"Aren't you going to warm me up first" I suggested weakly.

"Do you think you deserve it?" he snarled back.  And for the first time ever I felt him really hold me down.  I put my face in the duvet and resolved not to make a sound.

Alas, a resolution I couldn't keep beyond the first five or six spanks.  My legs developed a life of their own and I started to chew the aforesaid duvet.

"Aren't you going to say anything to me?" I asked him between mouthfuls.  

"What do you want me to say Ami?" he responded crossly.  "Do you want me to discuss the current banking crisis?  Or maybe the problem of culling deer because we are being over-run by them?  Or perhaps I should discuss (and he was spanking away and I was gritting my teeth between yelps) the fact that I don't want, or deserve you to speak to me the way you have been doing this morning?"

I shut my mouth round the duvet, anger swirling in my eyes like flames in the eyes of a dragon.  But the intensity was, alas, rather more than I could take without making loud yeowie noises. 

"If you keep on like this the neighbours will hear" Starman remarked, still spanking.

It didn't go on for a huge amount of time.  Probably just a few minutes at the most.  But the more I wriggled, the more he held me in place.  I had nowhere to escape to.  Eventually I started to yell "Oh God! Oh God!" and try to crawl forward to escape the awful burn.

"Let's try this" was Starman's answer to the wriggling.  "Let's see if a little crescendo makes an impression!"

He started spanking very softly, and rapidly, in one spot, building to sharp deeply stinging smacks, first on one cheek then the other.  Still determined not to give in I was unfortunately yelping loudly with each flurry.  

"Have you had enough?" he asked me eventually.

"You're the HOH, you're the one who's meant to know.  Not me!" I replied still trying to arch away from the bloody spatula.

He carried on another couple of times.  Then thankfully he tucked it under his pillow and started rubbing my backside.  I exhaled in relief.  As horrible as it had been, the pain had gone the minute he stopped.  At least it seemed so at the time.

I just wanted to lie there and recover, but he pulled me up on to my knees astride his lap.  I've never winced before, and have often wondered why you would want to, but I did this time.  It was like sitting on a very hot surface.  

He noticed me wince.  "Are you a bit sore dear?" he asked me grinning.

I wanted to snarl back at him, but I found I couldn't.  He has the most endearing grin.  I hadn't cried one tear all the way through.  But now my eyes watered.  

"Why do you get like this?" he asked me.  "I thought we were past all of this."

"I really don't know" I replied.  "I didn't want to be like it, but I just couldn't fight my feelings of frustration and irritability.  

I'm really very sorry I was so nasty to you.  I've been everything I said didn't want to be.  I don't know where it all came from for the life of me.  It just built and built.

He gave me a hug and as is his wont, he played with my boobs.  He knows just which buttons to press...  

Perhaps for some, sex after a spanking is a no-go area, but for us, today, it was very important.  It was, I suppose, 'make up' sex.  Forgiveness and moving on.

"Are you okay?" he asked me.

I was able to smile back at him properly and answer truthfully.  "I am now.  I have no idea why I should be, but not only am I okay, I am better than okay. I think we still have a very long way to go with this though.

You're very good at spanking you know.  Whilst a part of me was shocked, another part of me was amazed at how the spontaneity of those first couple of spanks refuelled a fire within me that had begun to burn rather low.

I think it turns you on too, doesn't it?" I remarked looking downwards.

He didn't blush.  He's far too HOHy to do a thing like that.  But he pulled me in towards him.

"Yes, it does" he replied, and he squeezed my burning butt causing me to gasp.

My anger had gone.  Totally extinguished.  I tried to analyse my feelings but it was hopeless, and I decided I would have to go with it.  I've always wondered if I would feel resentful.  I think I probably did during the spanking.  But not when it was over. 

After we showered he rubbed some arnica on to my bruises.  "They're not very bad" he assured me, not lingering.

I backed up to my full-length mirror and studied my rear view.  Too large purplish patches reflected back at me and I sighed.  "No swimming for me tomorrow" I thought.

Addendum:

It's evening.  We had a really good day.  Starman got his antibiotics from the doctor.  We went out briefly to buy some cellophane, ribbon and a Mother's Day card, in preparation for me buying some flowers tomorrow, and making a bouquet for his mother to give her on Sunday.  

We both felt good - on a high - stress free.  Starman has banished 'bitch-troll' back to the nether regions of the abyss where she belongs.

But Ami has realised that she is as susceptible to the fall as any one else.

So, until the next time.....



46 comments:

  1. Ami dear cut yourself some slack. You have both been ill, have dreary weather and been worried about Starman's results...you just got yourself out of sorts, which we all do at times, and he reset you both. No harm, no foul, and you both won in the end! Sending healing energy and prayers to both of you.

    Blessings,
    Cat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The thing is that this just isn't me. I resolved from the start that I wasn't going to act like this - and here I am, a termagant! I sincerely don't want to get back to the way I used to be - I'm not happy I let myself slide like this. But thank you for your healing energy and prayers!

      Hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  2. His grace is all you need. No matter how large the road bump is, he loves you, Ami, and he's made that quite apparent that he won't let you fall too far before he catches you. That's an amazing feeling :)

    (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was very strange June, because this is the only time I have not reminded him that I needed a re-set. But I do wish I hadn't acted in such an unpleasant manner, and I am very relieved that he knew how to approach the situation.

      Hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  3. I remember back before I had kids I would look at other women and think, "no way am I EVER going to say that to my kids! No way am I ever going to yell" Riiiiiiiiight. Now I hear other pre-children women get on their soap boxes about how children should be raised, and I just smile. My point it is often human nature to think we have the answers before we lived the problem.

    We've all been there. It is funny how ttwd brings our emotions both the fantastic ones, and the ones that cause 'bratting' as you called it to surface. Pehaps it is the term that needs to be changed? At least in this situation. To me bratting is doing things on purpose to be punished. You were just leaking out emotions. LOL

    It is so differnt, the spanking isn't it? When they have incentive?

    Happy you are reset, and well you eventually 'got' what you wanted for so long...lol

    love willie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But the thing is I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THERE. I let my temper get the best of me. And if he hadn't've acted the way he did, we would probably have had a full blown argument.

      I knew I was being a witch, and I should've done something about it. But I just let myself carry on. This is only a mere summary of how I really was, Willie. I was truly horrid. I am just so relieved he actually did something about it, because I never thought he would ever take the initiative in this way.

      And no, the spanking wasn't that different. Oh it was harder and I hated being pinned down! I can't tell you how I hated it! But it only went on for a few minutes at the most. The very worst thing was how I felt at the time. I was soooo angry. I was even pretty angry when it was over. Right up until the point he grinned at me. Then all I could feel was, and still is, remorse.

      If you asked me whether I thought this would change things. Then I would say I don't think so. He is still the quiet, contemplative type. He's not ever going to write out a list of rules and enforce them come hell or high water. But I do now realise that respect is a big issue with him. So if wanted to have 'No sarcasm, no back chat, no poisoned tongue' as a rule, then I would have to concur.

      As to whether I wanted this or not, no I don't think I did. Not really. The thing I think everyone wants, is to be secure in the knowledge that if there is an incident like this, there will be a 'following through'. We were lucky because there was no one in the house except us. But then, if there had been a houseful, perhaps I wouldn't have acted the way I did. Who knows.

      Thanks Willie. No go back and sun bathe!

      Many hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  4. We have all experienced those moments. Do not fret. I am glad you both "made up" and cuddled close and felt the love and closeness you needed. :-) Hugs, Terps

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad we made up too. I hate being at odds with Starman. But even I have to admit that whilst I feel remorseful, I don't feel massively guilty because we cleaned the slate. So that was a good thing.

      Hugs,

      Ami

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  5. I have definitely felt like this. It is hard when you feel like you are in a collision course with everyone...and cannot stop. I do agree with what Cat said. Life has been anything but normal for you. Be kind to yourself and realize what a great thing just happened. He made a decision that helped both of you feel better!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I couldn't stop myself Minelle. I was like a wound-up automaton. And today he's back in bed and I've just been out and come back with copious amounts of Vitamin C and Zinc as per Cat's instructions. It had better work, that's all I can say, or you'll have to offer a "Rent a Paddle" service!

      Hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  6. I think I need to learn from you. I can get very bitchy and hateful and say awful things - I never aloud. It's always in my head and all Nick would be able to notice is that I'm quieter than normal and I'm acting distant. Maybe if i let all those mean hatful things out he'd do what Starman did. I'd like that.

    Hugs,
    PK

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well you keep them in your head PK. I don't do "distant". With me it all comes out like a whip breaking through the sound barrier. Because he has always said he would never consider 'punishment' it completely took me by surprise. All I can say is that I am sincerely glad that using the HH didn't occur to him, because I think I would be carrying a cushion around with me if it had. He hasn't yet learned to 'flick' his wrist. Those spanks were mighty solid! That's one of the reasons why I was so surprised that having been angry all the way through, I wasn't the slightest bit resentful. That's why I said that we still have a long way to go - it's getting your head round it all! I'll have to go have a chat with Cassie!

      Hugs,

      Ami

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    2. LOL! I'm sure Cassie would have some advice.

      Delete
  7. Blame it on the "Man Flu." Yes, we try to be sympathetic and caring and we can sustain this for a number of days, but at a certain point it can just push us over the edge. I'm glad you had a good day!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so glad someone understands this. I certainly went over the edge in style! But the day did improve from then on, thankfully.

      Hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  8. You did well
    Both of you solved the problem that you had, his hand on your butt and then the makeup, to finish the reconnection

    Bob

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so glad the issue was resolved - although it was mostly due to Starman. I just had to lie there! Well, and kick a little. And yell a little. And end up with a red butt a little. Get the picture?! LOL!

      Hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  9. Oh Ami...you naughty girl. ;)

    In all seriousness, you two are going through so much together, there are bound to be days like this. *hugs*

    Seems to me the ending of the spanking was the perfect "aftercare" for you both.

    Elisa Xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well I do so hope there won't be many of them Elisa. I was trying so hard to leave those nasty, unkind, snippy days behind me. Now I've crashed and burned. But I suppose you could say it's turned me into a bit of a phoenix rising from the ashes. Starman has suddenly gained ground (and experience).

      Whilst I think he will continue to be the quiet, slow to anger, husband he has always been, I am now aware that he can rise to the occasion if necessary. I shall just have to work hard to ensure it's not necessary very often!

      The ending of the spanking was the best bit, and I can't see that ever changing. At least, not in the near future. I certainly hope not.

      Many hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  10. You two have been through an awful lot lately. Stress dresses itself up in many forms but Starman seems to know just the right prescription and dosage.

    Lovely ending.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He certainly seemed to this time. I don't know whether it'll happen again or not. I don't like being sharp-tongued. It's just what I have tried to avoid. I feel I've gone back several steps in my behaviour. It certainly wasn't planned, but I knew how I was acting and I should have pulled back. The making up was good though! (wink!)

      Hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  11. Oops Ami, what a bad girl. These men and their imaginary illnesses!!! He wasn't too ill for spanking was he? Glad things are better now though, love Janxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh don't you just hate men with anything in the 'cold family'?! I have to say he went rapidly downhill during the afternoon though, and had a very bad feverish night, and has stayed in bed all day today. It was probably because he felt so rough he decided to take action. I just hope I don't catch it from him now! And yes, I'm glad he sorted me out. It was the right thing to do.

      Hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  12. Ami, you guys have been through a lot and the stress just spilled over. We all have these moments.

    Sorry the spanking was a difficult one, but I'm glad Starman was able to reset you and that you reconnected.

    Hugs,
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The stress certainly spilled over and no mistake! It doesn't excuse my behaviour though. The spanking was a painful reminder to be respectful, but it wasn't the marathon of some I've had, just much harder. My butt's fine today and the bruising is only very minimal thanks to the arnica. I don't know who recommended the gel in the first place, but it's worth every penny! I'm glad we reconnected too.

      Hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  13. At our house when under stress we call these kinds of reactions "coming out sideways." The actual words/behaviour don't always connect to what is really going on and it takes one of those terrible spankings and lot of talking to really get back together and figure it all out. It happens to all of us Ami and while no fun at all for either party, it's one of the times where ttwd works it's charm almost perfectly. We are reset.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like that - "coming out sideways". Golly you should have seen how cross I was! I thought that spatula would spontaneously combust at one point - either that or my ass! But I've felt really good all day today, both in temperament and butt-wise. It worked like a charm all right!

      Hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  14. We all have our bad days. It was hard having him there sick. Lynda hates it too, but she gets withdrawn and scared. If she were to throw a fit like you did, it would be easier to know what to do.

    I agree, you both did well and got past it.

    Hope you don't catch his cold :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm still amazed he did what he did! All he needs now is to improve his technique and practise the wrist action. (I am sooooo glad he's not reading this!) I'm also very glad he went straight for his favourite little modification device, and not the HH!

      Yes, I am very worried about the cold. I am taking vitamin C like it's going out of fashion!

      Hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  15. Ami vfofgive yourself he did don't let one moment ruin how. Far you have come. Hugs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm trying hard. I don't feel as if we have come very far, but we ARE progressing even if very slowly. It seems that Starman is calculating each step we take! LOL!

      Hugs

      mi

      Delete
  16. Join the club kiddo! Been there, paid the price, and resolved whatever the heck THAT was and then moved on. And aren't you glad we have some way to do that?

    Sara

    ReplyDelete
  17. P.S. I'm pretty sure maintaining "Grace" can't be more than a part time job! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know you have, and I'll bet you're laughing! It was a surprise, but entirely unwelcome. The emotions were not what I thought they would be. Nothing in this is ever what I thought it would be! And yes, I am glad that we have some way to 'clear' the air.

      Hmmm... did you say part time job!!! Thanks buddy!

      Hugs

      Ami

      Delete
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