Friday, 15 March 2013

A Thank You Letter to My Husband

There is a lot of talk of submission doing its round of the blogs at the present time.  It's a word I shy away from, have mixed feelings about.  So I wanted to share with you a letter I wrote to Starman a few weeks ago.  

It's really just a simple thank you letter.  There are several letters from wives asking their husbands to join them in TTWD.  But it seemed to me that I should tell my husband what it meant to me that he had been willing to have a go at it.  To thank him for always being there for me and never letting me down.




My darling heart,

You've never once asked me to do this, but I need to write you a letter.  

It's a letter not just about my needs, but how you are fulfilling those needs.  It's about how I gave you something complicated, and you have made it into something easy.

We were on the brink weren't we?  We were two strangers sharing the same place in time.  We knew we could get by without each other, but we didn't want to take that final step.

I'm so glad we didn't; because I don't want to just get by, to make do with a half-hearted relationship.  I don't want any other.  I want you.

Does this make sense to you?  Do you understand if I express my needs in this way?  All I know is, that you took all my craziness and my fears, all my self doubts, and you made me whole again.  You made me, ME again.  You made us, US again.

I am smiling, because I always wanted a dominant man.  You used to be one you know, until I chipped away at it until it had all but disappeared.  Surely that's easy enough?  But no, it's not so easy at all.

You know I'm not the kneeling on the floor type of woman.  No collars for me! I'm a kicking, screaming, yelling, throwing type.  Not very pretty, but sometimes that is exactly who I am.  Eyes whirling with fire like your average dragon.  Bitch/troll from the abyss.  Sometimes that's who I need to be.  I need to push the boundaries, and fight.  Fight until I am overpowered.  Fight until I am made to submit.

I know, my love, that it isn't easy for you.  I know you are still coming to terms with what we do.  I know that the very thought of it makes you feel mean and cruel, and that you hate it if I cry.  But know this - I know you would never harm me.  I know that you wouldn't be doing this, if deep down, you didn't believe it was something that I needed, that was necessary.  You wouldn't be doing this, unless it was something you knew I wanted too.

With us submission is rarely physical.  Your quiet, measured voice can stop me dead in my tracks.  A warning glance and I lower my eyes.  A raised eyebrow and I catch my breath.

You have a way of reaching out to me and folding me close - without even touching me.  My heart is open to yours, and I feel your strength warming me through like summer heat.

You make me feel safe.  You give me such a strong sense of security; emotionally as well as physically.  I look around and catch you watching me and I know you would never ever let me fall.  Perhaps it's this feeling that you are in control that lets me relax and know I am under that control.  I don't know, because you never make a big deal out of it.  The ties that bind me to you are as fine as gossamer, yet as strong as titanium.  You calm my fears, I am safe.

You know I've found it difficult giving up a part of my independence and learning to trust your decisions, but I would be foolish if I didn't tell you that I  am enjoying the feeling of falling back into the safety net you hold out for me.  I not only need your shelter, I want and crave it.  The strength I derive from you is as necessary to me as oxygen.

Thank you for the touch of your hand on my back when I am over your lap.  You were so shocked when I first brought this to you.  You were so uncertain, so unsure, so worried when I asked you to spank me that first time.  You wondered why I would ask such a thing.

I suppose I don't really have a good answer.  It was just something that I knew I needed.  Deep down in my heart.  It was something that I knew we both needed.

Oh yes, my heart, it turns me on.  I cannot lie about that.  But why it turns me on I cannot say.  That you have loved me enough to do this, yes perhaps, but there is more to it than that.  It's in the way you hold me, whisper to me, comfort me.  You shake out the creases in my life, and smooth me with your loving hand.  Yes, it hurts, but it is a good hurt.  It burns, but it is a good burn.  I trust you, you never give me more than I can cope with.  You take my trust and double it.  You take the bits of me that I have broken off, and you put me back together again.  You enforce your love with a spanking that nurtures me and enriches both our lives.  

I do not like the pain.  Yes, I know it is meant to hurt.  But it is the emotive quality of that pain.  The transference of love that comes with the pain.  I want it yet I do not want it.  But I need it.  I need to feel not only the transference of love, but the transference of control.  I  need you to take my control and make it yours.

When I feel your hand on my back holding me in position, I know you want me to feel that control.  You want me to feel vulnerable.  You want there to be an edge to the spanking that causes me to feel just a little afraid.  Not of you, but of my ability to accept that control.  I love it because it reminds me that you are in charge, and I am not, and I hope you will take care of me this way forever.

I am not a child.  I know right from wrong.  I am a responsible person in my own right.  So why should I need this?  Why should I feel this overwhelming need for discipline in my life?  Does it go back to security?  Does it go back to sex?  Perhaps it does.  The emotions that come after the spanking seem to transcend any emotions ever felt before.  Your love-making is so tender I feel I could dissolve.

I'm not a child, but I'm not perfect either.  I often don't look after myself very well - eat the wrong things, take minimal exercise, don't get enough sleep.  Sometimes I forget to take my mobile phone with me, or I forget to tell you if I am going out, and I certainly drive too fast.

So do I have an inner need for discipline?  Or is it just the way I am?  Perhaps the child inside me longs for boundaries and the enforcing of those boundaries.  Perhaps that same child is the one who is bratty and unreasonable at times.  I'm not sure, but I can't help the way I am.

I just know I need the love you give me.  The love you give me unconditionally.  I love the security, safety, strong hands and those sturdy boundaries you place around me.  I also need the consistency and caring I feel from you each week as reinforcement of this love, even though it is sometimes hard to accept.

I want to thank you for cherishing me in this way, for taking the time to place my needs before yours, even though you find it difficult at times.  I want to tell you how good you are at it all, and how you have grown back into the dominant man you once were, and how I know you will never let me down.  

My heart reaches out to your heart my darling husband, and I thank you more than you will ever know for not giving up on me, on us.

Your Ami


40 comments:

  1. I am speechless, Ami - so lovely is this letter to your husband. He must feel completely loved and cherished.
    hugs
    lillie

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    Replies
    1. He didn't say much when I gave it to him - he didn't need to.

      Hugs,

      Ami

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  2. Oh Ami...I agree with Lillie...so lovely and loving! *sigh*

    Blessings,
    Cat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is simply how I feel - and I wanted to make sure he knew.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  3. What a beautiful letter Ami. It brough tears to my eyes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sometimes we need to put things down on paper we can't manage to say out loud.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  4. Oh Ami, what a wonderful letter, how lucky you both are, love jan.xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jan. It was something I knew I had to write.

      Hugs,

      Ami

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  5. Lovely letter, you are so well spoken.
    Bea

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When I write I can think, but when I have to say something like this, I just can't get the words out.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  6. This is absolutely equisite! It is so heart felt and intimately yours and the love you both have for one another shines through radiantly. I felt the words deep inside, with tears of joy, of that everlasting love and need and strength from "US" Thank-you for sharing. :-) Hugs, Terps

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad to have shared it. I wanted him to know exactly how thankful I was. It's hard to put things like this into words when you speak aloud, so I had to write them down.

      Hugs,

      Ami

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  7. Ami, this is so very lovely, and I am weeping as I write this. To be sweet and soft and treasured, to be loved and protected and cherished, it is the most wonderful thing in all the world. And the sincere thanks of a woman, in the hands of her love, are breath-takingly beautiful.

    Thank you for sharing your love-song to Starman with us.

    (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love is sometimes difficult to express, even after all these years together. I brought something to him that he has found soooo very difficult to understand, but he has done the very best he can with it. I love him so much.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  8. Oh Ami,

    What beautiful sentiments delivered to your Starman! I'm not sure what else to say. I can only imagine how moved he was to hear these words, straight from your heart! Good for you! Thank you for sharing. Hugs!

    <3 Katie

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    Replies
    1. I wonder if perhaps we don't thank our men enough for what they do. The letter was difficult to write at the start, and then the words poured out. I'm glad I could share.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  9. Just awesome! How special that you two are finding your way, making it fit just who YOU are!

    Sara

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    Replies
    1. You were the start of this Sara! And I would like to thank you too.

      It isn't a miracle fix, but we are in a very good place right now. TTWD isn't easy, but we've found the best way for us and we will keep working at it.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  10. Ami, this is so lovely, full of your love for your Starman and so beautifully written. He must have felt so cherished. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. I just thought it must be so difficult for our men when we bring this to them. Starman is so good to me. He cherishes me and I cherish him,

      Hugs,

      Ami

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  11. Hi Ami
    There is nothing more to say for you have said it all.
    Well done you should be proud>

    Bob

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    Replies
    1. No, not proud, just very thankful I have such a loving and trusting husband. I've discovered that 'trust' goes two ways in this dynamic. The wife must trust in her husband, but he also has to trust in her. He found the whole idea so hard at first, but he has just grown and grown.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  12. Just smiling over here. :)

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  13. This is beautiful and I know he loved it. Very special.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so glad I wrote it, because I don't think I could have said all that aloud.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  14. Replies
    1. Thanks Elisa. I felt he needed to know how I feel.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  15. Beautiful letter to your husband Ami :)

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Tricia. I am very glad to have shared it with you.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  16. Wow, very special letter.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Stormy. I am just so glad that he was willing to try all this. It must have been very difficult to come to terms with, but it has reaped such rewards for both of us.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  17. Oh Ami...This is perfectly lovely. It is a testament of your love that you are able to put into words how much you both share. This letter is something he will never forget. What a gift!

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    Replies
    1. I am glad I wrote it - it was easier to get my thoughts down on paper than say them out loud and forget half of them.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  18. i'm knew to this lifestyle and reading your letter just warmed my heart. i loved it, ami. it's so beautiful, so tender. thank you for sharing it. :)

    maryanne.

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  19. Hello Maryanne, and welcome!

    I'm glad to have shared it with you. But really I am only four months in myself, so I'm no authority, but I can say we are, on the whole, enjoying the ride!

    Hugs

    Ami

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