There is a lot of talk of submission doing its round of the blogs at the present time. It's a word I shy away from, have mixed feelings about. So I wanted to share with you a letter I wrote to Starman a few weeks ago.
It's really just a simple thank you letter. There are several letters from wives asking their husbands to join them in TTWD. But it seemed to me that I should tell my husband what it meant to me that he had been willing to have a go at it. To thank him for always being there for me and never letting me down.
My darling heart,
You've never once asked me to do this, but I need to write you a letter.
It's a letter not just about my needs, but how you are fulfilling those needs. It's about how I gave you something complicated, and you have made it into something easy.
We were on the brink weren't we? We were two strangers sharing the same place in time. We knew we could get by without each other, but we didn't want to take that final step.
I'm so glad we didn't; because I don't want to just get by, to make do with a half-hearted relationship. I don't want any other. I want you.
Does this make sense to you? Do you understand if I express my needs in this way? All I know is, that you took all my craziness and my fears, all my self doubts, and you made me whole again. You made me, ME again. You made us, US again.
I am smiling, because I always wanted a dominant man. You used to be one you know, until I chipped away at it until it had all but disappeared. Surely that's easy enough? But no, it's not so easy at all.
You know I'm not the kneeling on the floor type of woman. No collars for me! I'm a kicking, screaming, yelling, throwing type. Not very pretty, but sometimes that is exactly who I am. Eyes whirling with fire like your average dragon. Bitch/troll from the abyss. Sometimes that's who I need to be. I need to push the boundaries, and fight. Fight until I am overpowered. Fight until I am made to submit.
I know, my love, that it isn't easy for you. I know you are still coming to terms with what we do. I know that the very thought of it makes you feel mean and cruel, and that you hate it if I cry. But know this - I know you would never harm me. I know that you wouldn't be doing this, if deep down, you didn't believe it was something that I needed, that was necessary. You wouldn't be doing this, unless it was something you knew I wanted too.
With us submission is rarely physical. Your quiet, measured voice can stop me dead in my tracks. A warning glance and I lower my eyes. A raised eyebrow and I catch my breath.
You have a way of reaching out to me and folding me close - without even touching me. My heart is open to yours, and I feel your strength warming me through like summer heat.
You make me feel safe. You give me such a strong sense of security; emotionally as well as physically. I look around and catch you watching me and I know you would never ever let me fall. Perhaps it's this feeling that you are in control that lets me relax and know I am under that control. I don't know, because you never make a big deal out of it. The ties that bind me to you are as fine as gossamer, yet as strong as titanium. You calm my fears, I am safe.
You know I've found it difficult giving up a part of my independence and learning to trust your decisions, but I would be foolish if I didn't tell you that I am enjoying the feeling of falling back into the safety net you hold out for me. I not only need your shelter, I want and crave it. The strength I derive from you is as necessary to me as oxygen.
Thank you for the touch of your hand on my back when I am over your lap. You were so shocked when I first brought this to you. You were so uncertain, so unsure, so worried when I asked you to spank me that first time. You wondered why I would ask such a thing.
I suppose I don't really have a good answer. It was just something that I knew I needed. Deep down in my heart. It was something that I knew we both needed.
Oh yes, my heart, it turns me on. I cannot lie about that. But why it turns me on I cannot say. That you have loved me enough to do this, yes perhaps, but there is more to it than that. It's in the way you hold me, whisper to me, comfort me. You shake out the creases in my life, and smooth me with your loving hand. Yes, it hurts, but it is a good hurt. It burns, but it is a good burn. I trust you, you never give me more than I can cope with. You take my trust and double it. You take the bits of me that I have broken off, and you put me back together again. You enforce your love with a spanking that nurtures me and enriches both our lives.
I do not like the pain. Yes, I know it is meant to hurt. But it is the emotive quality of that pain. The transference of love that comes with the pain. I want it yet I do not want it. But I need it. I need to feel not only the transference of love, but the transference of control. I need you to take my control and make it yours.
When I feel your hand on my back holding me in position, I know you want me to feel that control. You want me to feel vulnerable. You want there to be an edge to the spanking that causes me to feel just a little afraid. Not of you, but of my ability to accept that control. I love it because it reminds me that you are in charge, and I am not, and I hope you will take care of me this way forever.
I am not a child. I know right from wrong. I am a responsible person in my own right. So why should I need this? Why should I feel this overwhelming need for discipline in my life? Does it go back to security? Does it go back to sex? Perhaps it does. The emotions that come after the spanking seem to transcend any emotions ever felt before. Your love-making is so tender I feel I could dissolve.
I'm not a child, but I'm not perfect either. I often don't look after myself very well - eat the wrong things, take minimal exercise, don't get enough sleep. Sometimes I forget to take my mobile phone with me, or I forget to tell you if I am going out, and I certainly drive too fast.
So do I have an inner need for discipline? Or is it just the way I am? Perhaps the child inside me longs for boundaries and the enforcing of those boundaries. Perhaps that same child is the one who is bratty and unreasonable at times. I'm not sure, but I can't help the way I am.
I just know I need the love you give me. The love you give me unconditionally. I love the security, safety, strong hands and those sturdy boundaries you place around me. I also need the consistency and caring I feel from you each week as reinforcement of this love, even though it is sometimes hard to accept.
I want to thank you for cherishing me in this way, for taking the time to place my needs before yours, even though you find it difficult at times. I want to tell you how good you are at it all, and how you have grown back into the dominant man you once were, and how I know you will never let me down.
My heart reaches out to your heart my darling husband, and I thank you more than you will ever know for not giving up on me, on us.