I've had a bit of a tough time over Christmas. I thought I'd share my thoughts with you. I've already shared them with a very good friend, and I'm sure she won't mind, but I have altered the personal details.
Dreams and reality are two different things. I don't mind telling you that I am finding this all a lot tougher than I thought I would. I thought I knew it all. I didn't. Not even half of it. It feels at the moment like we are wading through mud up to our knees! And it is so difficult to pull out a foot in order to plunge it back down and walk another step forward.
Okay - so I brought all this to Starman and I imagined him as some kind of superherostudspankingcowboywideshoulderedallknowingHOH! But he's not. Well, he is. But not like this. He's real. He's who I married a long time ago, and I love him to bits, and this has all taken him aback. Suddenly I'm suggesting a whole new structure to the way we live our lives, and I'm expecting him to fall over himself to agree with it all.
And me? I'm not the most tactful person in the world. I am loud and unforgiving of mistakes. I put my foot in it often! I have the occasional temper tantrum that threatens to put Mount Vesuvius out of business. I sulk. I lie awake at night dwelling on things that may never happen. I can be very short and unkind when I am tired. (Shall I go on?) But you know what? Starman isn't perfect either. So this is what I am trying to do.
I am trying, very, very hard, to imagine that he is a new friend. I wouldn't treat a new friend in the way I often treat Starman, so I need to make a few adjustments to myself. Not to him, but to me.
Starman has had a cold, mostly during the lead up to Christmas, and now he is plagued with an irritating cough and sinus problems. I simply can't cope with it. I am horrible. It is ridiculous. Why am I like this?
Why do I get so stressed leading up to Christmas? We had the great turkey debacle. You should have heard us! In the end I let him choose the turkey. I bit my tongue very hard to stop being horrible to him. (The turkey proved my point far better than I could've! It wasn't what he had hoped it would be despite my tender loving care!)
I am not a submissive person. At least, I hate the thought of being as such. Yet I long for the domestic harmony, the drawing of the line, the hugs and closeness - yes, even the spankings! But nothing is going as I thought it would. I can't even seem to get my wretched blog to look like everyone else's blog! I thought all this would be an instant fix. I am a stupid person.
But no. Perhaps I am not completely stupid. I am just uncertain, and in my low moments expect my loving husband to work miracles.
I used to follow a blog called Finding Sara. I lurked for quite a long time. Then I started to tentatively make comments. Some were really stupid and she was so very good to me. She maintained that it took her and her husband at least a year to even think about using any other spanking implement than hand spanking. Here I am trying out several. Why? I am crazy. It's not necessary.
First I need to communicate properly with Starman. He's not a mind reader. He's really very nervous about this whole thing. Considering what I am expecting him to do, I think he's bloody brilliant. Next, I am trying to be honest with him. If anything, this is proving just as difficult, because even little white lies are now not allowed. Ugh! We had several problems with that over Christmas. I also realised I was trying to do too much - you know, be superwoman? In the end I thought to myself, "None of this is really important. Who's going to notice if the kitchen floor isn't as clean as it should be, or if there are finger marks on the glass doors? So what? If one of us died tomorrow - would any of it matter?" So, some things didn't get done in time. But so what?!
I go and hug Starman and tell him that I love him, and give him a big sloppy kiss - on his lips, his neck or anywhere that is handy. He says "Silly woman, what's gotten into you now?" When it comes down to it - the only thing that really matters is our continuing love and commitment as a couple, and our children and nearest and dearest.
I am hoping that Dd can strengthen and remind Starman and I of things we have let slip. I think that instead of being like two people sharing a house we need to remember some of the reasons we fell in love in the first place. I know that I have to relax and let him rule the roost the way he did when we first married. Oh yes, he did! He even wrote lists of things for me to do each week! He wouldn't dream of doing that now because I would kill him! Yet, perhaps he ought to do so. Because I know who the bitch can be in our relationship. And it isn't him. (I hate hormones - even if mine are on the patch I stick on twice a week!)
So what I am hoping is that we are absolutely normal and everything is happening in an absolutely normal way. I am hoping that there are lots of other people out there just like Starman and me.
I hope that I can look back at this Christmas as a big learning curve. I so want something good to come out of it all. I just hadn't realised quite what a struggle it would be.
Starman and I would like to wish you all a Very Happy New Year. (And no rain like we have in the UK!!)