Mr BB Spanker discussed something recently that I found very interesting. It was centred around "One TIH's View of the HOH Role". There was one point in particular that I felt I needed to discuss, and he suggested this post in order that I might share my thoughts with you.
When I read the above post, initially I thought it was pretty good, although I didn't agree with it all either. However, by the time I had read the discussion points, and re-read both them, and the post a couple of times, I had a much clearer understanding.
However, what has occurred to me is that having followed various blogs now since last September, there is an emerging pattern. I find that the younger folk here have quite a different approach. It is so interesting to read their posts. I would not wish to put all of my thoughts about them into print as being very new, and just learning myself, I might inadvertently give the wrong impression, when really I am just, at times, a bit of a confused Ami.
I do find though, that the older folk, with long marriages over twenty years say, approach things more stealthily, and the ones, like myself, with over thirty years, are almost like large felines sizing up their King of Beasts. We have, what could be referred to, as 'life experience'. We have weathered a great many storms, and survived. We have learned to read each other pretty well. We have learned to argue, or not. What has a common thread to us, is that we have all had a time in our marriages that we are not proud of. We have turned to Dd/TTWD (and usually it seems to be the woman who has introduced it) in an effort to make things better, to address our faults, and tackle our differences.
For myself, I still retain a great amount of guilt. It doesn't matter that I am long forgiven; or that I have tried to shut it away in the deeper recesses of my mind - I still can't forget about the damage I did, nearly irreparable damage, to our marriage.
We have come a long way in four and a half months. Starman is gradually regaining his status as King of Beasts - the person he was when we first married, and before Bitch/Troll grew to a nearly unshakable entity. Our most inspirational and enlightening 'discussions' remain those when I am OTK - without a doubt.
He rarely bruises me these days, although it still happens when certain wooden implements are used! (He is still very uncertain about using a belt and hasn't been very successful with it on the odd occasions we have tried). He has discovered that he can invoke a response of great magnitude just using his hand, but that his hand is then virtually as red as my behind and probably stings as much! The hairbrush remains my Waterloo, and I view it as one would view a poisonous snake! And we now have a 'small' bath brush that is as yet, unused, though hung in a prominent place!
At this point in our journey, corner time, for me, would be a very hard limit, although in five years time, who knows? I need to feel him as the strong unmoving, constant in my life. I have never been spanked in any other position than OTK (apart from a quick bend over the bed and a short volley of spanks on one memorable occasion), and he has told me he likes to feel me lying across him, even though he has to use his strength at times to keep me there, and I sometimes kick pretty hard, and try to stand up or crawl forwards, purely by reflex.
The point that drew my attention most, in One TIH's View of the HOH Role, was number 4, and most specifically in how that was seen through an 'Experienced HOH's Eyes'.
".....She mentions that she fears everything is out of control but doesn't realise she's controlling everything with negative behaviour patterns. It seems that there is constant disregard for the fact that she needs to also hold herself accountable as an adult...........insecurities reappear and the same behaviour can be repeated over and over again...."
This is what I am afraid of happening. I keep trying to wrest control from Starman. Once I get a toe in the door, Bitch/Troll climbs out of the abyss and I have a job pushing her back down.
Starman hates it - I hate it. What to do? We are simply unable to address 'behavioural hiccups' when they happen, due to circumstance. Believe me, we have thought long and hard and not been able to come up with a solution until we are alone. Even with a quiet implement (which we have not been able to find apart from a dreaded plastic coathanger on a certain person's recommendation) I am most definitely NOT the most quiet of recipients!
Addressing these matters during maintenance is becoming a bit of an issue. It makes maintenance very long, and is often rather too harsh to consider it maintenance. Harsh is NOT a good word. Let us say that the few punishments I have had, have been very painful in order to drive the point home. Focus may be maintained, but in the several days I have sometimes had to wait, Bitch/Troll has gotten seriously out of hand. Neither of us want to go back to my often negative behaviour, pre TTWD, and as I have also realised that I quite enjoy a good spanking (well, not at the point that the implement and bottom meet, but immediately afterwards), maintenance sometimes becomes rather too pleasurable. We genuinely reaffirm not only our dynamic, but also our love, and we laugh a great deal in pure happiness.
I can summarise by saying that our view of the road ahead is much clearer than it was, but we still have our moments. I say "our" on purpose. There are two of us in this, and sometimes I get the feeling that wives can forget the husband has feelings too; or the husband forgets that he is human and can sometimes "over-react", or not react at all.
The recurring pattern of 'attitude' is the main thing I need to address. I will never be a 'meek' wife. Heaven forbid! We are both too passionate for that. But if anyone has anything constructive to offer on how I can break this cycle of "nice Ami" "nasty Ami", please let me hear it.