Friday, 19 April 2013

Apocalypse Now!

This is likely to be a long post, so if you don't want to bother - I forgive you!  I have also just finally discovered (don't be surprised, I am blonde you know!) how to import images to use instead of having to create all my own.  So I have gone mad with them!!!

It's taken me a long time to process this spanking, and even now I'm not sure my brain and my bottom are connected, but I finally feel the need to talk about it.

At first, I admit, I viewed our journey through somewhat rose-tinted specs.

I don't know what I had in mind exactly.  I just know I wanted to take this journey so bad I could have taken my skin off, shaken it out, and put it back on again - and it would still have itched like the blazes.

So we began, tentatively at first, then tentatively still, and then even more tentatively.

The road looked easy enough to travel - from where I was standing.

It was good and straight.  There was very little, if any, other traffic.  Just a pleasant, shady, greenness that enfolded us and lured us onwards one step at a time.

Occasionally we hit a little bump, or ended up making a small detour, but nothing that we couldn't handle and ultimately work out.

But now Starman seems to be growing into his HOH role (if that is what it is) rather quicker than I can cope with.  A very slow learning curve for weeks on end, and now POW! he has taken off in a BIG way!  Or so it seems to me....

I should have suspected about three weeks ago when he suddenly started referring to my "resets" as "maintenance" spankings.

I was offered some advice about relinquishing control, about prising my fingers open one at a time.  It was soon after that that he employed not only the leather paddle, but the HH in quite a deliberate way, to sort out my "attitude".  I was fairly dumbstruck!

And then, only a matter of days later, something else happened.

The stars in my universe are still whirling!

He'd been away all day, a good two and a half hour's car journey at the sort of speeds that Starman likes to drive, running a high level meeting.

The house was all peace and quiet for a change - and I enjoyed it!  I got up late and did all the things I don't usually get to do, like sewing my patchwork, messing around in the garden, and a considerable time playing on the blogs.  The time just flew!

I knew, and had planned, just what I wanted to cook for dinner that evening; and I had half prepared it.

Then the inevitable happened, and Murphy's Law kicked in.  I had a whole series of telephone calls, and even a couple of friends called in and stayed chatting rather longer than I had time for.

Still, I decided that I would chill a bottle of wine and we'd have a relaxing drink together when he got home, whilst I finished cooking.  And I thought I still had plenty of time!


He arrived back much earlier than I had anticipated.  I was still in the "cooking preparation" stage before it was to go in the oven for 45 minutes.

Oh well.  I offered him a glass of wine and he refused and said he would have some with dinner.  He went through his mail and popped out into his office to check his emails on the "big screen" instead of on his mobile.  He then returned to the kitchen and our son came in and joined us.  The men sat at the table discussing their day.  I was beginning to feel harassed.

When Starman saw me put the meal in the oven to finish cooking he asked me if I knew what the time was.  I glanced at the clock and saw it was much later than I had realised, due to the phone calls, callers etc.  He drummed his fingers on the table, and looked at me with exasperation.

I told him that he was welcome to have it but that it would be half raw.

Red rag to a bull!

We started to argue.

I could feel my temper rising but I was very upset that he was not giving me the benefit of the doubt.

We continued to argue over dinner, and he told me that it seemed to him that dinner was getting later and later every day, every week.  I got furious with him.  I told him we weren't five year olds and that we don't need to eat at 5 o'clock every day, and that 7.30 was hardly midnight!

Our son sat and ate in silence.  When he had finished, he cleared away his plate, put it in the dishwasher, and left us to it.  By this time both Starman and I were seething and there was a definite frosty silence.

I slammed around clearing the kitchen and putting the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and washing the few other odds and bits at the sink.

Starman went and sat on the sofa with the newspaper, and the TV on, gadget firmly in hand, and snoozed.  (He had had an extremely early start.)  I got fed up in the end, and took myself off to bed and read my Kindle.  When he finally came to bed I was already asleep.

It poured with rain all night, and I awoke at around 2am and just couldn't get back to sleep until around 5.  In fact, I took myself off to the spare room, but all that gave me was a bad back and a crick in my neck!  When I awoke around 7.30 I felt like something the cat had brought in! 

However, I got up and went downstairs and got us tea/coffee and brought it back to bed.

We sat and drank in total silence!

I had thought the argument had blown over, although I continued to feel annoyed and uncomfortable.  But Starman had other ideas.

Although his anger from the previous night had died down, he was still pretty cross with me.  He waited until I had finished my coffee.  Then he turned to me.

"You, madam, have a spanking due!  Get your kit off and go get an implement!"

I froze.

"I beg your pardon".

"You heard."

He had that sort of "don't you dare mess with me" look on his face.

"When you first started this thing Ami, what was it you said to me?  Something about Disobedience, Dishonesty, Disrespect and Danger?"

"I may have done...."

"You know damn well you did!  Now which of those do you think I ought to spank you for?!!!"

"You've got to be joking, right?"

"Do I look as if I am joking?  Go get an implement and get into position!"

My feet would hardly move.  I was stunned.  Completely taken aback.

Our son was home doing his invoicing and wages, and I was terrified he would hear us.  I strongly objected, but Starman was immoveable.  He repeated his request that I undress and lay across his lap.

I stood looking at our little collection of toys implements, and hesitated.

"Bring the wooden spatula" came the command, "and hurry up!  This will, due to circumstance, only be a short spanking, but believe me Ami, you will feel every single stroke of it!"

I fetched the spatula with the greatest of reluctance, which I threw at him handed him, although at that point I was thinking it was pretty innocuous and I need not be worried.  


It was a butt-searingly awful spanking!  He held me down securely with his left arm, put his right leg over both mine to stop me kicking him, and spanked and spanked!  He spanked many times on the same spot, and he really spanked harder than I can ever remember.  He told me he was determined to get his point across that all I did was procrastinate, ignore his requests, and then make out that he was in the wrong.

I was very upset because I had had such good intentions for him coming home, and dinner.  I really, truly felt the punishment was unjustified.

He had told me it would be a short spanking, but it went on and on.  

When, at one point, I thought it had finished, he started up again.  He even adjusted me slightly bringing my bottom higher, and he spanked my sit spots and the sides of my buttocks.


He lectured me the whole time about disobedience, disrespect and dishonesty, and I couldn't reply because I was too busy sobbing into the duvet so that I wouldn't be heard.

He finally let me up and cuddled and soothed me but I was so upset and indignant with him.  I really felt he was mistaken and was refusing to see my point of view.  I had never felt that way before.  

I remained angry, with angry tears that wouldn't stop coming.  I sat there stiffly and refused to put my arms around him despite his encouragement. 

He was implacable.

He lifted me back across his lap and gently rubbed my bottom.  

Then he touched me - there!

I was still sniffling loudly at this point, my bottom throbbing.

He laughed!  Yes he did!  He laughed!

Then he became more persistent.  

I wriggled.  My horrible, wretched body wouldn't co-operate with my feelings of resentment!

"Let me up - I hate you!" I wailed.

He sat me up and regarded me, and then handed me a kleenex and told me to blow my nose.

"No you don't" he told me, and laughed again and nestled his face in my boobs before launching a full on attack and making me cry, laugh and shriek in the same breath.

My body forced me to capitulate - but I was still deeply annoyed.

To make matters worse, I had a dental appointment to prepare a back tooth for the fitting of a crown, which was also painful, and entailed me sitting in the dentist's chair for at least an  hour.  Not only was I bruised, but a very angry red, and sitting still was the last thing I wanted.  

It took me all day to think about what had taken place, and to come to terms with it, while Starman was fine, and acted as if nothing untoward had happened.

I thought and thought.  This wasn't how it was meant to be surely?  

We had been jogging along, slowly and uneventfully.  Maybe there had been the odd indication that Starman was growing horns, antlers, spurs?  But nothing in particular.  I enjoyed being spanked - right?  Starman enjoyed spanking me - didn't he?

All of a sudden, what was this?!!!  I had planned such a nice dinner!  Even wine!  And he had spoiled it all!

My mind turned in circles all day.  I even emailed a couple of friends in my 'anger, anxiety and quest to get answers'.  And then it gradually dawned, like the first star of the evening - Venus isn't it?

I remembered Mick's post very clearly - something about the husband suddenly "getting it" and the wife then wondering what 'entity' she had let loose into the world!!

But let me put your minds at rest.

The spanking probably didn't take much more than fifteen minutes. He lectured during the spanking and between the flurries, and then again before the second half of the spanking.  In my head, and as far as my butt was concerned, it seemed very much longer, because there is no doubt that it was a 'serious' spanking instead of just a 'warning' or 'maintenance' or even a 'stress release' spanking.  I was crying too hard to be able to respond to any questions, and anyway, I was too mad!  

It was the first ever time it took me by surprise, and I wasn't being allowed to protest or say anything to get out of it.

To those of you who use wooden paddles, and even comparing it to our wooden backed hairbrush (which is large, oval and solid), the wooden spatula is fairly small, quite thin, and gives sharp, stinging, scalding swats.  It is lightweight and easy to use with a flick of the wrist.  The burning sensation is absolutely horrid, but it could never, ever 'harm' me, and Starman has become quite the expert in its use.  He has learned to use the nasty thing with maximum skill and effectiveness, to impart a message to my bottom and thereby to my brain.  The spanks administered to the regions where thigh meets buttock, and on the sides of the buttocks, were the worst and hurt like hell.

But what hurt the most was the realisation that I had earned that spanking.  

I knew he was completely right to spank me, and that he was wise not to let anything get in its way.  He took the decision to act as soon he could, and to his credit, he let his anger die away first, hence saving the spanking until the morning.

When we first discussed this life change, and I explained to him that I wanted him to take back control, I suppose I had my own romantic ideas of what it would be like.  That everything would gradually develop and it would all be easy.  It's simply not the case is it?  As soon as you have overcome one learning curve, there is another one, even steeper, behind it.

I gave him the control, but I disregarded the consequences.  And then I felt angry and resentful that he had followed through.  Whilst I was delighted and relieved that he had taken back the power in our household, I was hurt and indignant and humbled in a way I have never felt before.

We have talked about it all.  About the reasons and about the consequences. It makes sense, it really does.  My temperament, the tone of my voice, the edge to it sometimes when I get worked up, is something that he has warned me about and has wanted to address for a very long time.  

In essence, it wasn't really so much about the "late dinner" but more about disobedience, disrespect and dishonesty.  It was simply a coincidence that I had chosen to write about 'attitude' a day or so before in a post, and all I can say is that Starman is now very determined to break the cycle.  He was especially angry that he felt I was talking to him like a subordinate, and in front of our son too.  It is behaviour he is no longer willing to put up with.

He always has hated traffic jams!  He needed to get the system cleared and sorted out once and for all.

We discussed the fact that I thought it hurt too much, and that when I thought it had stopped he started again.  He explained that this is part of where I am trying to remain in control.  He said that it is for him to decide when I may get up, and that he was just reinforcing that fact, and would continue to do so in the future.  He said that nothing would make him happier than to have "good girl" spankings all the time; but that we had discussed that we wanted to give this a go, and that it might take some time to get it right for us, and that it was my job to trust him.

I bruise very easily.  One of the reasons is that I take a low dosage aspirin every day.  Yet I have noticed that it is that one particular implement (the wooden spatula) that has more than a tendency to leave bruises.  Even the HH, used liberally, leaves only a glowing redness.

The other thing is that he gave me no warm up - he went straight into the punishment.  His way of thinking was that he didn't feel I deserved a warm up because the punishment needed to have maximum effect on me.  Also, the areas that were the most bruised were those he spanked again and again on the same spot.  He said he has noticed that, for me, that is an excellent away of reinforcing what he had to say.

Another thing that led to my feelings of anger, was that instead of just being allowed to climb on to his lap and be cuddled afterwards, and reassured, he wanted to make love to me - and my body reacted to him accordingly!  In my view I wasn't given time to get my head around what had just happened.  

In his mind, I had been punished, forgiven, and was how receiving the biggest assurance of his love he could give me.  Yet my mind, and my bottom, were still trying to process the severity of the spanking.

We have had no end of discussion about all of this.  There are many "Whys?" to find answers for.  

I have had to acknowledge that sometimes I will not agree with his judgement, and will get spanked anyway.  This will certainly be, in Starman's view,  just the first of many spankings that I initially don't agree with.  But he is now in control and I have to give him my trust.  Especially now that my butt is going to be on the line.  He will hear me out - but the call will be his.

For several days now he has been going around pawing at the ground, puffing out his chest feathers, and roaring a warning every time he thinks I may be leaning towards a misjudgement of circumstance.

I find that I have started to share my thoughts with him much more than in the past - asking his opinion for a start, before just jumping in with both feet!  But I have noticed that he is doing lots of small things because he wants to please me too. 

It's taken a week, but I think we are in a better place now than we were before.  For a while there it was touch and go.  It wasn't even as if we were out of step.  Instead of dancing together we had danced away from each other.   

As I mentioned before, you have to remember that there are two of you in this.  It's not going to be all hearts and flowers every minute.  Work, health, stress levels, children, in-laws, even the weather - they all conspire to put a spanner in the works from time to time.  Unless something miraculous happens in the meantime, to the whole of mankind, we are all going to continue to have feet of clay. 

And some of us, like me, are going to continue to get their butts roasted on a regular basis.  Believe me, I have a very strong feeling about that!  Views of floorboards will possibly continue to make a strong impression in this household.

And in case you are wondering, yes, there is more.  But I'll save that till next time....


  1. Love all the visuals. Wow, is all I can say.

    1. I'm having SUCH fun with visuals you are going to be bombarded until I get bored using them!!!



  2. Oh Ami, this is a wonderful post, bless you both. He is right you know, (sorry babe). Lillie once said to me that there is always that first spanking that you don't like and agree with. I suppose this is yours, Like me you will get used to it.
    I loved all your pictures, especially the dancing couple, always dance together I say!
    I am looking forward to the next instalment
    love Jan.xx

    1. I knew you'd say you agreed Jan! Huh! I'm just glad we don't have your "playthings"!!!

      The pictures are fun aren't they?



  3. I applaud where you are, Ami. There is not much 'advice' to give, it seems you are both in a perfectly understanding place. That's a good thing. You're already seeing the benefits - a moving towards softer you, and his response in being more attentive. If you hold onto that understanding and let it deepen, and allow yourself to let go of the resentment, and just hold onto the humility, it gets easier...I promise :)

    When I read this I don't hear resentment or confusion, I hear a kind of cautious's okay to be relieved that he is fully in charge, it's okay to revel in it. It really is quite delicious :)


    1. June thank you - "hold on to that understanding and let it deepen" is advice from your heart, I know. We try to hurry things along too much sometimes don't we? I realise that I won't agree with his opinion every time and there may be similar occasions to this one, in the future. But the flash of humility had quite a profound effect - strange to describe.

      The resentment is long gone; I feel a bit too relaxed! That is the 'delicious' feeling isn't it?



    2. We do try to hurry things, our emotional nature, I guess - sigh. No need to describe it, I understand it very well :)

      Mmmmmhmmm - it's lovely, isn't it?


  4. I'm almost afraid to ask, but what is the HH?
    I love all the pics! Glad you survived the spanking!

    1. Hello Lynn - nice to have you around. The HH is the dreaded 'Horrible Hairbrush'. Not very high up in the list of awful implements, but quite awful enough when administered to my backside I can tell you!

      Oh yes, I survived well enough to even sit down on a wooden kitchen chair for breakfast - a bit squirmy, but felt sort of nice too!



  5. Oh wow Ami,

    Not too long at all- I also look forward to hearing about what happened next. I would imagine that it felt good to write about it all.

    Looks like your Starman has definitely arrived, and is now taking complete charge. The surprise of the spanking reminded me of the one that Lillie described for the gas tank issue. And yes, I bet that is what Mick has always talked about when he said, "Be careful what you wish for." Good on you that you came to the realization that you must now just trust that Starman will take care of you in his own loving way.

    That has not happened here... yet... But I have a funny feeling that Rob is not far away from sorting out some habits that he has been sick and tired of dealing with for many years. Time will tell I guess, and I will likely be just as surprised one day.

    Great job with the pictures! :) I love the ones of the cat- especially the last one on the wooden porch. Hugs to you, Ami!

    <3 Katie

    1. It was a relief to write about it. I thought and thought about whether I would or not because both Lillie and Elisa have had similar experiences and I didn't want them to think I was copying, but I needed to "talk" to people who understand these things. (I had often grinned at Mick's blog where he talked about this though - heaven knows why?!!) It's quite difficult not to "direct" everything!

      I don't think it hurts any of us to learn that some of our bad habits drive them mad!

      I love cats and horses!



  6. I can see you had an eye opener that there is a new sheriff in town and he is hell bent on cleaning up his town.

    You did well on your first try out, pat yourself on the back for staying the course.


    1. There is a new BIG BEAR walking the woods! I don't need any more 'pats' at the moment thank you!



  7. I remember an email we once shared right before you Came Out about DD, where you were worrying if Starman would understand your need for this relationship choice, and were nervous how or if he would take on his leadership role.

    Worry no more. Starman has landed :)

    - MrBB

    1. Do you think so? Hmmm....

      He's still the slowly, slowly type. All this thinking drives me scatty at times, but he tries so hard to consider consequences.

      Now he is considering the consequences of my actions too!



    2. Slowly slowly is goodly goodly! :)
      Patience and consideration are strong HoH Characteristics.


  8. Intense certainly, but you have communicated through it all. He is very keyed into 'your' relationship. It isn't just about you or him. Nothing stays stagnant. Actually when things remain stagnant that is when bad things happen. Starman has to have a role in this, otherwise it is too one-sided. As long as you are both able to talk and share what is happening and resolve what is needed, that is key.

    1. I love the way we are now able to communicate. It's true, it's about us as a couple talking and sharing.

      I wish my butt and my brain would 'talk and share'!!!!



  9. it's a process...and you are discovering the closeness of the dance

    1. Yes it is, and the interesting bit is the discovery of all the new steps!



  10. Hey Ami...Congratulations on learning how to import images! Oh my goodness...sorry sweetie but talking to Starman like that? And in front of your son? What were you thinking?

    Looks as if you two have straightened things out and are communicating.

    Hugs and Blessings,

    1. I'm feeling soooo clever about it Cat! And they are free! which makes it even better!

      Aw I know...he didn't like it! I was too mad to think - that was the problem! Sometimes Mrs Feistyhead gets the better of me, opens her mouth, and puts her feet in it! The communicating is good though! (Ahem!)

      Hugs and blessing back at you!


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  12. Hi Amy

    I read this last night but didn't get a chance to reply. Wow he really has found his hoh hat, that's great.

    The first time I received a real severe punishment, I was really upset with myself, I couldn't believe all the emotions which came with it. It's hard to deal with, specially since I know how you felt about reading some of my posts and the consequent conversation that we had.

    As we progress in this life, and in no way do I mean we're experts, as we have our own sets of high and lows, but things progress and change everyday. At first we bring it up and things sort of go our way and if they don't, we fight for it to happen. Eventually our men "get it" and start having their own ideas and that's when things get complicated and we begin to question things, why did I ask for this life, do I still want it, was I crazy, this isn't how I imagined it. But at the end this is what we wanted, just not on our terms and if we're serious about it, we have to trust their judgement and live with the consequences of our actions.

    Yes sometimes we're are punished, for something WE think is unfair, but for them it's something they want to address and that's where we have to reflect. Discussing why and how you should be punished is by all means not wrong, but it should be a discussion and the ultimate decision should be made by the HOH. As hard as it may be to accept. Also HOH's can and will make mistakes, they are also human and this should be forgiven, as it's a learning process for them too.

    Having said all if the above, I must say, I find your post well written and looks like you have actually to a point processed this incident.

    I wish you luck with this journey, which ever way you both decide to continue x

    1. Thanks Missy. You make good comments. I think I will always have problems with the emotional side though. And it's strange, but one of the things I find the most difficult to grapple with, is 'other people's punishments'. I always feel upset and indignant for them too. I know it sounds stupid, but it's the way I am and I don't think I'll be able to change now. Yet usually when it's my butt on the line I am okay with it. This was the first time I felt it was unjust. Well, I'll have to watch myself in the future and ensure the GG spankings outweigh the other kind! Thanks for your good wishes.



  13. Hi Ami,
    This sort of happened to me with the "low fuel incident" and isn't it funny that Mick popped into my head to...."just don't blame me when you get a spanking you don't want..."
    I can think of some others that are equally chilling, but the common denominator was that I deserved them- and more often than not, they worked.
    I check that damn level every time I get behind the wheel of that vehicle. :(
    Sorry to hear about your d-day, but in this lifestyle they seem to come to us all.

    1. Hi Lillie

      I know - it bothered me that you might think I was copying you, but I needed to share it with everyone because the emotions were so powerful for me. I went around with ruffled fur for hours before I was able to see Starman's point of view. He really was like the grizzly in the pictures! The two I remember well of yours were the low fuel incident and the speeding ticket you 'lost'. I am petrified of ever getting a speeding ticket because I honestly don't know what the reaction would be. The mobile phone 'thing' is also something I have to watch constantly because if I ever left it at home or it wasn't charged up and I broke down on the motorway again, I think my skin would be nailed to the barn door! In fact, I'm off to charge it up now ready for tomorrow!



  14. Hey Ami :)

    I have just now had a chance to read....holy moly...that was intense. I have been there a few times....shocking I know ;) But the important thing is, you all talked it out....and came through it better....that is amazing :))

    It has happened to me on a few occasions....after a good, uh "roasting"...that I needed time to let my brain catch up to my bottom. I have been so angry and indignant that I did not want Ryan near me. Confusing? Absolutely....but then again, this whole thing can be at times! By the way, I think you and Starman are terribly adorable :)



    1. Hi Lucy - lovely to see you - how's little cutie?

      Yes, I can agree that it was very intense, but didn't go on for hours and hours - just felt like it did! Horrid, nasty spatula - should be used for kindling!

      I am so glad there are people like you and Lillie who admit to having felt angry afterwards on occasion. That makes me feel better and why I posted. And then he came nuzzling round me, the creep! And I enjoyed it which is even worse!

      It ties your emotions in knots!

      (Thanks for the compliment. I think you'd find us funny! We laugh at ourselves all the time!)



  15. Hi Ami,

    This is a great post and so well written. I love the pics!

    Funny, Mick's words immediately jumped into my head too. We have our own ideas of what we what, what we envisage when we bring ttwd to our husband and all goes well until he suddenly 'gets it' and really takes the bull by the horns and we receive that 'other' kind of spanking and suddenly we question what the hell was I thinking .. do I really want this? Yes, we can be left angry, upset as well and it can take time for the brain to catch up with the bottom.

    What I love about this post is how you communicated and worked through it and understood each other's point of view afterwards.

    It sounds as though you two have both come to some realisations from this experience and that you are even stronger.


    1. It's vitally important to talk things through. We weren't able to do so immediately - had to wait for the dust to settle a bit - but I have to watch my temper! I've been warned countless times about it. I'm like one of these slow burning fires that is suddenly exposed to a backdraught! Glad you liked the pics - the bear really did resemble Starman at the time!



  16. I hate to say it, but I see more spankings in your future. But cheer up...if you apply yourself to learning this way each time, you'll be growing by leaps and bounds. Good for you, and good for Starman.

  17. I see more spankings in my future too Ana - hopefully they won't all be to bring me into line! Between you, me and the gatepost, I prefer the "fun" sort!



  18. Yikes. I don't know that I could have taken it all of the way through.

    I like where the two of you are going, though. Together. :)

    Elisa Xo

    1. Sorry I'm late acknowledging your comments Elisa. We still have our little bumps in the road, but generally we are moving forward hand in hand - which is as it should be. Perhaps because I don't get many 'hard' spankings they mean much more to me psychologically as well as physically. Starman has definitely begun to take back control which enables me to return to a 'softer' place.