As far as I can recollect, no-one has ever addressed the issue of trust in any of the blog posts I have read since starting blogging nearly two years ago.
It's often mentioned, and people skirt around and all over the issue, but somehow it seems to have slipped through the net. So I thought I would try to get people thinking about it and what trust means to them in relation to submission.
I can't speak for other people, but I have my own ideas on what it should mean to trust your husband/partner/other half/soulmate. (I'll stick to husband, but it's only because I can't keep typing that lot.)
I'm being completely truthful when I say I trust Dan with my life and beyond. In fact, when a half a ton of horse came down on the left side of my face and head, he proved himself to be the best knight in shining armour ever! He literally saved my life.
But where does trust feature in TTWD/DD?
Lay yourself nude or half nude across your husband's lap, the end of the bed, or a sofa arm, and ensure he has one or more implements to hand with which to remind you of your shortcomings.
How much do you need to trust him?
It's easy to say "100%", but what if he is angry or annoyed, or very unnerved and scared about something you have done? Can you still trust him?
This is why it is so very important for this dynamic to be consensual.
This is not the land of stories and make believe. It is real life, and in real life people get mad and or scared, particularly when something happens that concerns the one they love the most.
A small scenario:
Way back just before I actually asked to be spanked, I used to go to Burlesque Dancing classes.
(And yes, we dance with fans and chairs and feather boas!)
They were once a week between 6 and 8pm and they were the best thing ever, even if I did nearly break my neck several times trying to dance in high stilettos. Dan didn't object to me going at all - but he did object to the fact that the dance studio was on the Docks, and the car park was several hundred yards away from the building. It basically meant that I walked to and from the studio in unusually risque apparel with scant covering in the summer months and just an overcoat in the winter months.
I know that sounds weird, but our Docks are mostly old warehouses converted into luxury loft style apartments, or modern apartment blocks with balconies overlooking the water. Down below are little bistros, bars and restaurants. It's an up and coming area.
But in Dan's mind, docks are docks.
It was fine in the summer, but in the winter with the dark nights and infrequent street lamps, the area where the dance studio is located, was at that time very dark and spooky indeed as there were still two old warehouses awaiting conversion, and I had to walk past them.
One night I just happened to go for a drink afterwards with a dancing friend. We sat, wrapped in our coats, at an outside table overlooking the water and ate some tapas and drank some very nice wine.
I told my friend I had to 'report in' to my husband. Unfortunately I had left my mobile phone at home sitting on the counter in the kitchen. So I borrowed my friend's phone and duly rang him. It went straight to Voicemail. So I left a message, saying where I was and who I was with, and that was that.
Or so I thought.
But it wasn't. When I arrived home there was nearly a search party out for me. Not only was Dan going off his head, but our son was standing right at his shoulder giving me grief as well. I was totally stunned. Neither of them would listen to my excuses, and Dan was furious I had left my phone at home as well as walked back on my own to the car park past the dark warehouses. He went on and on for the rest of the evening.
We had such a row that I slammed the door and went off to bed shouting that they were victimising me.
Of course, now I know how desperately worried Dan must have been, and I also know how he would deal with such a situation if it happened these days. Would I do such a thing these days? I very much doubt it!
However, what I am trying to do is to show how, because they love us so much, our husbands can sometimes go overboard with their reactions to a situation. Thus, how much are we able to trust them?
I know that I would probably not be able to sit for several days if that scenario happened now. My spanking the other week would pale in comparison. It makes me shudder to think about it.
Is there a difference? Am I being controlling if I try very hard to keep out of trouble and be a goody two shoes all the time?
Personally I think there is all the difference in the world in trying to avoid a hard spanking and doing things because you love your husband and want to please him and make your life good together.
But unless you truly let go, grit your teeth and trust, you will never completely submit.
I was chatting recently with a friend. We have always been honest and upfront with each other. She never offends me, and I hope I never offend her, although I know that other people have sometimes been worried that we seem almost rude to each other. Not the case. I very much value her opinion because of her honesty.
She said that she thought I was one of the most submissive people she knew, and that I was probably naturally submissive. She thought I would completely disagree with her.
A year ago I would have. But now?
The world has turned and the road has widened. I now know that there are lots of other people walking along this road who have problems the same as Dan and I, even if they are different problems.
I am still not sure I like the word submission; I much prefer the word surrender.
But somewhere along the way, over the past year, I have thrown away that remote control with the button that had Dan's name on it, and now I let the chips fall where they may.
I know that even if Dan gets angry or scared with/about me, he will never go over the top.
He will most certainly give me the type of rosy glow you can warm your frozen hands on in the depths of winter. He will most certainly ensure I feel the burn/sting/soreness for a day or days to come. He will most certainly leave a few marks or even bruises on my posterior, as a reminder.
But he will never ever cause me harm.
He will always stop when he perceives me to have had enough. He will never spank just for the sake of it. He will never threaten me or mistreat me or make me feel subservient.
I trust him completely.
I trust him never to break that trust.
I surrender to him.