Sunday, 5 October 2014

A Question of Trust


As far as I can recollect, no-one has ever addressed the issue of trust in any of the blog posts I have read since starting blogging nearly two years ago.

It's often mentioned, and people skirt around and all over the issue, but somehow it seems to have slipped through the net. So I thought I would try to get people thinking about it and what trust means to them in relation to submission.

I can't speak for other people, but I have my own ideas on what it should mean to trust your husband/partner/other half/soulmate. (I'll stick to husband, but it's only because I can't keep typing that lot.)

I'm being completely truthful when I say I trust Dan with my life and beyond. In fact, when a half a ton of horse came down on the left side of my face and head, he proved himself to be the best knight in shining armour ever! He literally saved my life. 

But where does trust feature in TTWD/DD? 

Lay yourself nude or half nude across your husband's lap, the end of the bed, or a sofa arm, and ensure he has one or more implements to hand with which to remind you of your shortcomings.



How much do you need to trust him?

It's easy to say "100%", but what if he is angry or annoyed, or very unnerved and scared about something you have done? Can you still trust him?

This is why it is so very important for this dynamic to be consensual. 

This is not the land of stories and make believe. It is real life, and in real life people get mad and or scared, particularly when something happens that concerns the one they love the most.

A small scenario:

Way back just before I actually asked to be spanked, I used to go to Burlesque Dancing classes. 


(And yes, we dance with fans and chairs and feather boas!)

They were once a week between 6 and 8pm and they were the best thing ever, even if I did nearly break my neck several times trying to dance in high stilettos. Dan didn't object to me going at all - but he did object to the fact that the dance studio was on the Docks, and the car park was several hundred yards away from the building. It basically meant that I walked to and from the studio in unusually risque apparel with scant covering in the summer months and just an overcoat in the winter months. 

I know that sounds weird, but our Docks are mostly old warehouses converted into luxury loft style apartments, or modern apartment blocks with balconies overlooking the water. Down below are little bistros, bars and restaurants. It's an up and coming area.


But in Dan's mind, docks are docks.

It was fine in the summer, but in the winter with the dark nights and infrequent street lamps, the area where the dance studio is located, was at that time very dark and spooky indeed as there were still two old warehouses awaiting conversion, and I had to walk past them.

One night I just happened to go for a drink afterwards with a dancing friend. We sat, wrapped in our coats, at an outside table overlooking the water and ate some tapas and drank some very nice wine. 

I told my friend I had to 'report in' to my husband. Unfortunately I had left my mobile phone at home sitting on the counter in the kitchen. So I borrowed my friend's phone and duly rang him. It went straight to Voicemail. So I left a message, saying where I was and who I was with, and that was that.

Or so I thought.

But it wasn't. When I arrived home there was nearly a search party out for me. Not only was Dan going off his head, but our son was standing right at his shoulder giving me grief as well. I was totally stunned. Neither of them would listen to my excuses, and Dan was furious I had left my phone at home as well as walked back on my own to the car park past the dark warehouses. He went on and on for the rest of the evening. 


We had such a row that I slammed the door and went off to bed shouting that they were victimising me.

Of course, now I know how desperately worried Dan must have been, and I also know how he would deal with such a situation if it happened these days. Would I do such a thing these days? I very much doubt it!

However, what I am trying to do is to show how, because they love us so much, our husbands can sometimes go overboard with their reactions to a situation. Thus, how much are we able to trust them?

I know that I would probably not be able to sit for several days if that scenario happened now. My spanking the other week would pale in comparison. It makes me shudder to think about it.


So. Am I submissive because I want to avoid punishment, or am I submissive because I want to please my husband and keep him happy?



Is there a difference? Am I being controlling if I try very hard to keep out of trouble and be a goody two shoes all the time?

Personally I think there is all the difference in the world in trying to avoid a hard spanking and doing things because you love your husband and want to please him and make your life good together.

But unless you truly let go, grit your teeth and trust, you will never completely submit.



I was chatting recently with a friend. We have always been honest and upfront with each other. She never offends me, and I hope I never offend her, although I know that other people have sometimes been worried that we seem almost rude to each other. Not the case. I very much value her opinion because of her honesty.

She said that she thought I was one of the most submissive people she knew, and that I was probably naturally submissive. She thought I would completely disagree with her. 

A year ago I would have. But now? 



The world has turned and the road has widened. I now know that there are lots of other people walking along this road who have problems the same as Dan and I, even if they are different problems.

I am still not sure I like the word submission; I much prefer the word surrender. 

But somewhere along the way, over the past year, I have thrown away that remote control with the button that had Dan's name on it, and now I let the chips fall where they may. 

I know that even if Dan gets angry or scared with/about me, he will never go over the top

He will most certainly give me the type of rosy glow you can warm your frozen hands on in the depths of winter. He will most certainly ensure I feel the burn/sting/soreness for a day or days to come. He will most certainly leave a few marks or even bruises on my posterior, as a reminder. 

But he will never ever cause me harm.

He will always stop when he perceives me to have had enough. He will never spank just for the sake of it. He will never threaten me or mistreat me or make me feel subservient.

I trust him completely. 

I trust him never to break that trust.

I surrender to him.



33 comments:

  1. Ami, you are absolutely right about TRUST. You are a very lucky person to have a husband called DAN, as UNO NUMERO in your life. Of course he had every right to be UPSET, when you were wondering around the DOCKS at night in your burlesque outfit. Right there and then he should have given you the severest spanking of your life on that bare bottom of yours. You hurt him in his heart, for he has LOVED you dearly these many years. And you certainly OWE him an apology.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I know I am lucky, in fact I can't believe how much he has GROWN over the past two years.

      Believe me, I never walked to my dance class again! In fact, I ended up giving it up as Dan was so unhappy about the dark nights and lack of lighting. Still, it was a good experience. Apology? Yes, we've talked about it many times, and he's had many apologies; I cannot imagine the calibre of spanking he would give me if such a thing happened now! Good grief!

      Thanks for your comments!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  2. Trust is very important, but is also hard to articulate without going into a great deal of clarifying etc. Your examples are so perfect even for my life.
    You did such a great job!

    Tell Dan he is a good egg!

    I find the words submissive or surrender to mean love. I don't like to analyze what the connotations mean in various communities. For me 'doing' for my husband and those I love is a pleasure. That doesn't mean I don't get my dander up at times and make my views known....

    I was raised to let my parents know where I was. We were told it's a matter of respect for those you love and those who love you. Not only was it a matter of respect but a responsibility.

    I very seldom forget to let my Scotsman know what is happening. He calls me quite frequently as well.

    Trust=love to me.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Dan liked being called a GOOD EGG! LOL!

      Sometimes when I am SLAVING OVER A HOT STOVE I am not so sure about any type of submissive feelings! LOL!

      My dad would've gone berserk if I didn't let them know where I was when I went out with friends as a teenager. Mostly though, he was my TAXI DRIVER so I even had a PICK UP time. Now I have to carry my mobile phone everywhere with me - just in case.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  3. Hi Ami,I love the word submission, makes me feel all wobbly. I think I try to be "good" to please him, not to avoid retribution. I trust him with all of me, always,
    Trust is one of the greatest gifts we can give each other I reckon. Hope you and Dan are okay,
    love Jan,xx

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    1. I am laughing at the though of a "wobbly Jan!"

      Trust is so important, but it must be on both sides. Jealous partners must be a nightmare to live with.

      We are good, thank you, apart from the whole house-selling saga.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  4. :) No point in me commenting beyond that is there? LOL

    love
    willie

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    1. LOL!

      A very interesting topic though. I think it could be gone into in a much greater detail. I have seen some men become so jealous and lacking in trust they gave their wives 20 questions every time they went anywhere. So I suppose it is plausible that a husband could go over the top. I wonder if such people would STOP if a safe word was used?

      Hugs
      Ami

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  5. I'm so glad you have trust with Dan. I have it with Nick too. I don't think about submission anymore. Nick asks very little of me, mostly normal things I'd do anyway. But I've always trusted him and I know I always will.

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    1. I do wonder if trust has to be earned? Or is it already there? Once trust is broken - in anything - it is very hard to repair the damage, if at all.

      Glad you have such love and trust with Nick.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  6. Trust is such an important component of submission...and surrender. You summed it up well.
    hugs abby

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    1. Thank you, Abby, it is a big subject to consider. I think I only brushed the surface.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  7. You nailed it Ami. Great post.

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    1. Thanks, Leigh. Yes, it is quite a topic to consider.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  8. Really honest and sweet post. Trust is everything in this lifestyle and in every relationship, really. I think the majority of us can say that we submit because we love and care about our husbands, but *sometimes* we may not do something that we reeeeally want to do, because we know there may be a punishment.

    I love that you did burlesque dancing. I think it looks fabulous and would love to do it!

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    1. You are right - trust is important in any relationship from simple friendship to marriage, but especially important in a lifestyle like ours.

      Burlesque was so sexy. People think it is striptease, but it really isn't, it is much more than that, and very hard to do well. But I had a great deal of fun trying!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  9. Lovely post Ami...with a wonderful analogy. Trust is very precious and must be earned.

    I, like Minelle, was raised to let my parents know where I was...as a matter of respect. My ex proceeded to reinforce that rule. ;)

    Would love to learn burlesque dancing...do you perform for Dan now? ;)

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Yes, I think trust DOES have to be earned. I think we all come from the generation when we had to let our parents know where we were going, how long we would be there and who we would be with. And woebetide if I was late home!

      Burlesque was great and believe me, it doesn't matter whether you are short or tall, slim or broader on the beam. In fact, there were no skinny women there as well, you need a bit of something to shake and rotate! If you get my meaning...

      My Burlesque days are sadly behind me. Dan just roars with laughter if I sashay around in my underwear; but just sometimes when I am wearing high heels and stockings...... LOL!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  10. Ami,

    Wonderful post. You summed it up perfectly.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    1. Thanks, Ronnie, glad you enjoyed it.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  11. Hi Ami, wow, this is such a great and lovely post. Very well said. Trust is so important in any relationship, and even more so in a ttwd relationship. I'm glad you have that with Dan :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz! Thank you for your comments. I could've gone into more depth, but it would probably have sounded like a thesis! LOL!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  12. A wonderfully written post about trust. I am fortunate that my husband and I both trust each other and love each other immensely. Growing up I was also taught to let loved ones know when I arrive safely somewhere or if running late, etc...and I still try to do that today... Burlesque dancing how fun :-) Hugs to you!

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    1. Burlesque dancing was great fun, and so much harder to do properly than I had thought when I signed up for lessons! You dancers must be bubbling over with energy!

      Thank you for your kind comments, Terps.

      Hugs
      Ami

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    2. bubbling with energy? maybe back when I was in my twenties and in better dancing shape :-) LOL burlesque I would have been too shy to try :-) Hugs

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  13. Ami,
    Trust is the most important part of ttwd/dd. We give ourselves to one another in trust. After all these years with Jack, we have never broken that trust even once. It does make me feel secure.
    Meredith

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    1. I think that trust goes right back to our marriage vows; we give ourselves in trust - you nailed it perfectly.

      I always feel so fortunate with my marriage - I am lucky, lucky, lucky to have someone who inspires such trust in me.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  14. Very interesting Ami. My thoughts on this are too long to put them here so I put them in my own blog of today.

    A very well thought and well written post, thank you for that,
    Take care,
    Han

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    1. Thank you, Han. I am going over to your blog immediately! I am glad you enjoyed my post.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  15. Ami great post. I agree that trust is something that must be earned and once broken it is almost impossible to get back to 100%. I trust Nina just as you trust Dan. I always tell her that if I was captive in a foreign prison and got one phone call it would be to her!

    Respect is equally important. I don't think I would ever submit to a spanking if I did not respect Nina as much as I trust her.

    Unfortunately as a society we seem to be less and less trusting and I think that is due in great part to the actions of our elected leaders. I cannot say I know anyone who trusts their government like the way it was in the 1950's.

    It is good to know that Dan wears the pants and yours are taken down and that makes you both a happy couple!

    Burlesque lessons down at the dock! Were you training for a second career! LOL

    Hugs,
    George

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    1. I hope fervently you don't end up in any foreign prisons, George, especially making 'one phone call'. Makes my blood run cold!

      Don't get me started on our politicians, this side of the Atlantic or your side! They all come out of the same pot!

      (Laughing fit to kill re your fourth paragraph!)

      No, I wasn't a very good Burlesque dancer, but it was great fun and kept me fit. I wish you could've been a fly on the wall!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  16. Oh Ami...you make me giggle...in a good way. I so enjoy watching you experience new things, process it and then write about it. Trust, love, submission, surrender, unity...they all start to merge together into the oneness that we so cherish. The greater the oneness, the more we mutually trust and the more open we become to whatever ttwd may look like moving forward.

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    1. Susie, all of a sudden there seem to be so many new experiences in my life, of things I feel I should like to write about, ask questions about, and share thoughts with others about. I just hope people won't get fed up with me "going off on one" every once in a while. It's a bit like one of my horses I had years ago; you never could know when you were riding him, what he was going to spook at next! But I quite like this feeling - it keeps me on my toes, sometimes literally. LOL!

      Hugs
      Ami

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