Friday, 28 December 2012

Unexpected Mud on the Road

I've had a bit of a tough time over Christmas.  I thought I'd share my thoughts with you.  I've already shared them with a very good friend, and I'm sure she won't mind, but I have altered the personal details.

Dreams and reality are two different things.  I don't mind telling you that I am finding this all a lot tougher than I thought I would.  I thought I knew it all.  I didn't.  Not even half of it.  It feels at the moment like we are wading through mud up to our knees!  And it is so difficult to pull out a foot in order to plunge it back down and walk another step forward.

Okay - so I brought all this to Starman and I imagined him as some kind of superherostudspankingcowboywideshoulderedallknowingHOH!  But he's not.  Well, he is.  But not like this.  He's real.  He's who I married a long time ago, and I love him to bits, and this has all taken him aback. Suddenly I'm suggesting a whole new structure to the way we live our lives, and I'm expecting him to fall over himself to agree with it all.

And me?  I'm not the most tactful person in the world.  I am loud and unforgiving of mistakes.  I put my foot in it often!  I have the occasional temper tantrum that threatens to put Mount Vesuvius out of business.  I sulk.  I lie awake at night dwelling on things that may never happen.  I can be very short and unkind when I am tired.  (Shall I go on?)  But you know what?  Starman isn't perfect either.  So this is what I am trying to do.

I am trying, very, very hard, to imagine that he is a new friend.  I wouldn't treat a new friend in the way I often treat Starman, so I need to make a few adjustments to myself.  Not to him, but to me.

Starman has had a cold, mostly during the lead up to Christmas, and now he is plagued with an irritating cough and sinus problems.  I simply can't cope with it.  I am horrible.  It is ridiculous.  Why am I like this?

Why do I get so stressed leading up to Christmas?  We had the great turkey debacle.  You should have heard us!  In the end I let him choose the turkey.  I bit my tongue very hard to stop being horrible to him. (The turkey proved my point far better than I could've!  It wasn't what he had hoped it would be despite my tender loving care!)

I am not a submissive person.  At least, I hate the thought of being as such.  Yet I long for the domestic harmony, the drawing of the line, the hugs and closeness - yes, even the spankings!  But nothing is going as I thought it would.  I can't even seem to get my wretched blog to look like everyone else's blog!  I thought all this would be an instant fix.  I am a stupid person.

But no.  Perhaps I am not completely stupid.  I am just uncertain, and in my low moments expect my loving husband to work miracles.

I used to follow a blog called Finding Sara.  I lurked for quite a long time.  Then I started to tentatively make comments.  Some were really stupid and she was so very good to me.  She maintained that it took her and her husband at least a year to even think about using any other spanking implement than hand spanking.  Here I am trying out several.  Why?  I am crazy.  It's not necessary.

First I need to communicate properly with Starman.  He's not a mind reader.  He's really very nervous about this whole thing.  Considering what I am expecting him to do, I think he's bloody brilliant.  Next, I am trying to be honest with him.  If anything, this is proving just as difficult, because even little white lies are now not allowed.  Ugh!  We had several problems with that over Christmas.  I also realised I was trying to do too much - you know, be superwoman?  In the end I thought to myself, "None of this is really important.  Who's going to notice if the kitchen floor isn't as clean as it should be, or if there are finger marks on the glass doors?  So what?  If one of us died tomorrow - would any of it matter?"  So, some things didn't get done in time.  But so what?!

I go and hug Starman and tell him that I love him, and give him a big sloppy kiss - on his lips, his neck or anywhere that is handy.  He says "Silly woman, what's gotten into you now?"  When it comes down to it - the only thing that really matters is our continuing love and commitment as a couple, and our children and nearest and dearest.

I am hoping that Dd can strengthen and remind Starman and I of things we have let slip.  I think that instead of being like two people sharing a house we need to remember some of the reasons we fell in love in the first place.  I know that I have to relax and let him rule the roost the way he did when we first married.  Oh yes, he did!  He even wrote lists of things for me to do each week!  He wouldn't dream of doing that now because I would kill him!  Yet, perhaps he ought to do so.  Because I know who the bitch can be in our relationship.  And it isn't him.  (I hate hormones - even if mine are on the patch I stick on twice a week!)

So what I am hoping is that we are absolutely normal and everything is happening in an absolutely normal way.  I am hoping that there are lots of  other people out there just like Starman and me.

I hope that I can look back at this Christmas as a big learning curve.  I so want something good to come out of it all.  I just hadn't realised quite what a struggle it would be.

Starman and I would like to wish you all a Very Happy New Year.  (And no rain like we have in the UK!!)


  1. Ami, your hopes are coming true. You are normal and everything is happening in a normal way :)
    I'll reiterate what we have emailed about... Relax, be patient, no need to be where others are yet :)
    You're doing wonderfully well,

    1. Thank you Mr BB - it's so good to have reassurance. I've discovered since I wrote the above blog that things aren't actually that bad! In fact, we are both beginning to notice some changes in our dynamic that are direct results of my not nagging Starman all the time if I don't get my own way! I am certainly listening to him much more.

      Hugs, Ami

  2. You know you are normal! Well as normal as any of the rest of us! That dreaded, dreaded word that all newbies hate to here ( outside of patience that is) is COMMUNICATION. You find it everywhere, because it works. Some days you don't want to. I GET it. Perhaps sometimes you shouldn't ( at the time ) but nothing is going to ultimately change anything without it.

    As for the list? Talk about it. Ask him how he feels. A small list that he dictates will make you feel submissive, and he will see concrete evidence of your efforts. That being said...YOU HAVE TO DO

    Before we started I made a fake questionaire up for Barney- I later confessed that I didn't print it off of the internet. I asked him what sort of things he liked. A variety of topics, from what I wore to bed, to how he prefers my hair, what things 'set him off' if they are not done in the home, types of intimates he preferred. I needed a jumping off point. Somethings I could do that I knew he would like. Things JUST for him. I tried, and still do to keep those things in the forefront of my mind. None of them are rules, but when I feel myself slipping, I revert back to see how many of them I am still doing. For if I show him that his desires are important to me it shows him HE is important to me.

    He stopped asking why I was doing it- and started reciprocating. It snowballs. ( Yes I know my last post wasn't great either, but sometimes remembering how the beginning was helps when you have a hiccup). These things were 'easier' and even if I felt I slipped up in my attitude, I could still manage to keep up with these things. Not a cover up, just a way to remind us both that the day was not completely lost.

    Have a Wonderful New Year!

    Big Chilly Canadian Hugs.
    PS if I feel better tomorrow I'll go outside for some better shots for you!

    1. Hey Willie,

      Wow! Everything you just wrote is so sensible, and worth thinking about! I love the idea of the questionnaire. I'll definitely try that one!

      Things aren't really so bad - I just felt very tired and low. I do want to get back to the 'list' though. Funny, because I had almost forgotten about it until he reminded me the other day. I used to grumble like mad, but the things usually got done. Just think Willie, it could be great for spring cleaning, sorting out the underwear drawer, getting the new curtains made etc etc!!!

      Still raining here! Had "duckboards" over our gravel in order to reach our garage over Christmas! The water was six inches deep in places in our driveway! Just a little snow would be good!!

      Speak to you soon. Hugs, Ami

  3. I read many blogs and I think that every newbie DD couple has the same complaints, questions, thoughts, etc. etc. etc. From what I've read you have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. There may be backsliding, but just get up, dust yourself off and move forward again. If this is what you want, then go for it. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

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    2. Hi Sunny! Everything you say makes sense. I don't know why a part of my brain goes into 'silly female' mode when I am stressed. I must write my next instalment of 'Hall of Mirrors' because then I can explain that I seem to have a bit of a kink, in that I think I may 'enjoy' spanking; and I am a little bewildered about it. I'll try to get my new post written over the next few days if I can, and then hopefully you'll understand me better. Many hugs, Ami

  4. Hey Ami - This is new for both of you and as with anything we try, it gets better over time and with practice. Communication is definitely key and do not compare yourself, Starman, or your relationship to anyone else in blogland. We are all individuals, respond differently, and have different relationships and needs.

    Have Starman start with a small list - 1 or 2 things each day - part of the key is not to overwhelm either one of you. Slow and easy with plenty of talking. ;) Hang in there, you two will be fine.

    BTW - if you have questions regarding how to do things on your blog, email me, I will be happy to help if I can.


    1. Hey Cat, You are so very right about communication! Whew, it's difficult at times! I am definitely going to get a small list together just like old times. But I'll ask Starman to write the list - not me. It would be good to know if he has any expectations that he thinks I am avoiding.

      Thank you - I will take up your offer to email you regards my blog. Every time I press a button it does things I don't want to do, and I then take precious time 'undoing' those things! Once I know what to do I'll be fine - but I can't find any instructions anywhere except on the 'paying' blog sites.

      Many hugs, Ami

  5. Welcome to blogland, Ami. Sara was the first blogger who made sense to me, and I learned a great deal from her.

    It's not an easy journey, but at times it can be the best journey in the world. Take it as it comes, and learn to make what you can of what happens. Everyone's path is going to look different from someone else's, and there are few wrong ways to do it. (Barring abuse and other things like that...)

    Best of luck to both of you.


    1. Hey Ana! And welcome to my blog. I lurked a good long time before I dared to say anything. Now I'm trying to make up for lost time! And it's lovely making new friends along the route!

      I'm feeling much better now; I was just feeling low and sorry for myself. Things are actually beginning to make more sense.

      Many hugs, Ami

  6. LOL! Welcome to the world of Dd, TTWD or whatever you want to call it. You want it, but it is not what you expected or looks like what you thought it would or feels the way you were expecting it to........ then it does.........all of those things. Just remember when you feel yourself shutting down is when you need to force yourself to communicate and when you find yourself telling him what to do find another way to say it. LOL! I know easier said than done. It is not a race and there is no finish line. It takes time.
    All my best!

    1. Hey Blue Bird! It's the forcing myself to communicate that's the difficulty. However, today things are definitely improving, and very unexpectedly. So I feel much better within myself. Many hugs, Ami

  7. Patience Ami! Our arrangement evolved over a long time and it is still evolving. New arrangements take time. Also, try to keep a little humor about the whole thing. Surely there's something funny to be said about a grown woman being upended and having her bottom busted, even if you don't get all the details right.

    1. Oh Mick! What would I do without my male friends! You see things from a completely different perspective - and that is more important than you'll ever know! It's great the way men always tell it as it is! For all my sometimes hard exterior, I have an exceptionally soft centre! I feel things, and dwell too much on probabilities.

      I am on the way up from my downturn, thankfully. Yesterday and today have been extraordinary and I will discuss them in a blog pretty soon, but suffice it to say that there have been results that have nothing whatsoever to do with spanking, and everything to do with Starman's growth as HOH. I simply must listen to you when you say 'Patience!' I have to trust in him more than I do! He is actually more observant than I gave him credit for!

      More later.

      Many hugs, Ami