Thursday 7 February 2013

Feeling More Positive

I promised to update you all as soon as we had been given the results of the MRI scan.  Well, we have just arrived home, via my mother in law's where we had an impromptu lunch.

We were fifteen minutes late going in to see the consultant and they were some of the worst fifteen minutes of our lives!

This morning we sat together in bed drinking our tea/coffee and just staring straight ahead.  I put my left leg over Starman's right leg.  He turned to me and said "We're very quiet this morning aren't we?" and sighed.

I immediately turned and nestled in his armpit, and he put his arm around me.

We were very glum.

However, we sat talking quietly and I told him that my fight or flight mode was taking over.  "I was in flight mode when I went to bed last night.  But now I have discovered I'm in full blown 'fight' mode!" I told him.

"We're going to get through this.  We're going to ditch this  'belly full of rocks' feeling, and start to be positive," I looked at him meaningfully.  Neither of us felt very positive.  But as we talked, all those good vibes out there that you all sent to us must have kicked in.

We even managed our reaffirmation spanking.  Although Starman said it would have to be fairly quiet because he didn't feel up to discussing our week, or any rules, or how we were getting on.  

He warmed me up for much longer this time, around three minutes (we are going to get an egg timer in future!) and eventually he said that his arm was aching and his hand was burning to much to continue.  (What about my butt?!) He sent me to fetch the wooden spatula thingy (well, surprise, surprise!) and he started for real.

I can confirm, now, that if you are in 'fight' mode, that a spanking has a whole new aspect.  All I did was kick and yell and feel feistier and feistier!  I wasn't in 'bitch-troll' mode, nor in 'I need to crawl off his lap as soon as I can escape' mode, nor even in 'let me up before I behead you' mode.  I just couldn't seem to concentrate, or relax, or let go.  I was too full of adrenalin to try to be even 1% submissive.  

Eventually he thought I had had enough.  "I'm exhausted" he moaned. "I've covered every inch.  Even the tops of your thighs.  You won't sit down for a month!"

"Huh!"  My fight mode was still revving! "We need to get a move on.  Come on, I'll make us breakfast."  I stomped off downstairs and clattered a few pans.

I hadn't felt this way for many a long month.  I was glad.  It felt so much better for a change.

We couldn't find anywhere to park when we got to the hospital.  And that was a right royal pain.  But luckily someone reversed out of a place right in front of us and so we dived straight in.

The consultant, as I said earlier, was running a little late.  My fight mode had ebbed somewhat and I was beginning to feel a little nervous.  We sat very close together and I put my hand in Starman's pocket and rubbed his thigh.  (I know, I'm strange like that - but it's something I've always done!)

"Well" he said without preamble.  "There's nothing more to show on the scan. Nothing in the lymph nodes.  Nothing hiding behind the existing tumours."


Starman and I hugged!

Okay, I know, he still has cancer.  But it could have been so much worse.  At least the tumours are still pussycats and not tigers.

So we told the consultant that we needed time to think about how we would proceed. He was happy with that, and Starman will have what's called frequent surveillance over the next six months.  It means using PSA as a monitoring system, and if it jumps upwards too much, and regardless after six months, he will have more biopsies.  If the tumours start to grow, a decision will have to be made.

We asked him lots of questions and were even shown some of the MRI images on screen. British consultants sometimes are a bit 'terse' and I still had my fight mode hat on, so he wasn't getting away with it.  Much of it comes down to 'quality of life' after treatment, and even he admitted that we had more to lose than couples in their eighties.  However, we would cross those bridges if we had to.

In the meantime, we were told of some clinical trials in London using high intensity focused ultrasound to blast at the tumours.  Starman will apply to go on these, but at this point we don't know whether he will be accepted or not.  So we will have to wait and see.

But the important thing for us is that we can now get to grips with moving forward in a positive way to tackle this cancer.  And we feel much better about that.  We want to carry on as normally as possible.  We don't intend it to defeat us.

Back in the car we breathed a sigh of relief.  My fight mode was completely gone, but it didn't matter.  I didn't need it any more for the time being.

I am sure that much of the strength we found today was because of the prayers, blessings and good thoughts you ALL sent our way.  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts!
















48 comments:

  1. Oh Ami,

    Not in the nodes is really, really, really good news! You will both continue to be on my daily prayer list! And still your Starman pays attention to your bottom! How's that sitting working out for you? He covered every inch? Ouch! (((((hugs))))) to you both!

    <3 Katie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Katie. Yes we are very relieved to have some 'thinking time'. And yes, please continue with your daily prayer list. I am a great believer in the power of prayer and positive thoughts.

      Our RA this morning was NOT intense. He started very gently with little 'love pats' and gradually, gradually let it build. We are trying to find a cure for 'bruising'. Unfortunately I think I would bruise if you stroked my butt with a feather! It was only the last little session that was ouchy, but I was too militant, thinking ahead to how many dragons I would have to slay on Starman's behalf, to give in today. I was fully acting out my role of first lieutenant! It was fun while it lasted, but I don't want to lead any more!

      Hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  2. Oh Ami - Sitting here with very happy tears and a huge grin on my face! Such wonderful news!!!

    You two are doing great and together you will conquer this challenge.

    Continuing to send prayers and healing energy your way.

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Cat, yes we feel so much more positive. And taking your advice not to rush things. I was going to contact you tonight, but I have this wretched cough, and once I start a coughing fit, I simply cannot stop! Thank you for the blog instructions. I'll try them tomorrow when I have had, hopefully, a good night's sleep for the first time in days!

      Keep sending prayers and healing energy. It's powerful stuff and I think nothing works like it!

      Many hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  3. Wonderful news. Just emailed you and then found you had already posted the good news. The both of you will find the right treatment if necessary. For now just revel in each other.

    Reaffirmation - you are a strong woman. I can barely take 3 minutes total and I thought I was titanium buns. Guess not.

    Enjoy the bliss of today, tomorrow and forever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your email Sunny. I sent a little reply so hope you got it. It is very good to be granted some thinking time. And we certainly will revel in each other!

      RA was necessary this morning. It lifted our spirits somewhat. Nudge, nudge. And no, I am most definitely not a strong woman. We took the advice of Emi and started with love pats that built up very slowly over the three minutes. And instead of just the one spot, which Starman revels in! he bounced his hand all over my butt for a change. It was only when he changed to the wooden thingy that it really really hurt. And he didn't go berserk! He has learned how to flick his wrist in order to inflict maximum sting! I questioned him about it because I could feel the change in technique! Believe me, I plan on being a very good girl for ever!

      Many hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  4. That is wonderful news! I am so happy for both of you! I know that has to be a huge relief :)

    Hugs....

    Lucy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lucy!! What, no baby yet!!! Will this waiting never end!!! I am desperate for you to post a picture of some pink bootees or somesuch. And definitely don't ask me to knit. Now that would be a humdinger of a punishment. Forget the spanking! Just make me knit!!! Thank you for your kindness.

      Many hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  5. Oh Ami, that is such good news, Just take each day as it comes now. We English girls must be tough, three minutes pah! :)love Jan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah thanks Jan. However, as far as being tough is concerned I'm not so sure. I have a well-roasted butt! The Emi Technique for not bruising hasn't worked. Instead, I have a 'bruised all over butt' instead of just a 'bruised sit spots butt'!!! Stupid English pink skin!!! LOL!

      Many hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  6. Ami this is wonderful! My heart is swelling with happiness for you both! We'll just keep you wrapped in the glow of these prayers - and you stay wrapped in the loving arms of Starman and everything in the universe will be as it was intended.
    big big hugs
    lillie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We are very relieved the cancer hasn't spread. Just need a bit of time now to let everything sink in and for us to decide what path to take. The clinical trials sound interesting. Thank you so much for your kindness.

      Many hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  7. Oh hunny
    That's great news, yes it could be better, but as you said its a kitty cat.
    I'm so pleased for you both x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much 'Jonesy'. At least we have some time in which to decide a course of action. They expected us to make a decision on the spot, but we couldn't do that. Thank you very much for your kindness.

      Many hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  8. Well what more can I add ? The happy tears and full heart about to burst is happen here too! I think now I may even be able to exhale!

    I can't describe how happy I am for the two of you!

    Much Much Love Willie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Big relief Willie! (Where were you a half hour ago!!!!)

      Will speak to you soon honey! (PS, I have an awful cough so it'll be email!)

      Love back at you!

      Ami

      Delete
  9. Congrats on such wonderful news :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Faerie, many thanks. It is indeed good to be given some time to think things over.

      Many hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  10. Kitty cats are much preferred to tigers and I'm thrilled for you to hear the nodes are clear.
    I will continue to keep you both in my prayers, each according to your needs.
    Although, sounds like Starman covered your needs pretty well. ;)
    Hugs, Catrinka

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They certainly are Catrinka! We are both relieved to be given this little respite. We are grateful for all prayers at this time and into the future as we make our decisions.

      Yes, you could say my needs were covered! LOL

      Many hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  11. Oh Ami, I'm so glad that you and Starman got some good news today! I'll continue to keep you both in my prayers! (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Grace. Ongoing prayers are the most important thing when you are fighting this, even though we have got a little time to think.

      Many hugs

      Ami

      Delete
  12. Oh Ami, I am so happy for both of you! Hopefully yours is just the beginning of good news in blogland! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Betsy. By the way I got your google chat thing but couldn't make head nor tail of how to sort it out. Any time you need to email me, just do so!

      It is so good having this 'breathing space' to get our heads around all the information we are being blasted with! The clinical trials sound good, but we have to find out whether Starman is eligible or not.

      Hope things are okay with you Betsy?

      Many hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  13. Ami,

    That is wonderful news! Ya'll have been in my thoughts all day.

    George

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much George! It is a bit of a rollercoaster ride! But things could have been much worse, so we are grateful for small mercies.

      Many hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  14. It was a wonderful report considering - He IS going to be fine and you will be closer.

    Hugs,
    PK

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you PK. We had been worrying a great deal. We are now much more positive. Medicine has progressed so much since Starman's father died of the disease.

      I hope things are going better with you now?

      Many hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  15. Ami, thank you so much for the update. I am so thrilled and relieved for you. That is very good news! We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Roz. Just keep those thoughts and prayers coming. I am absolutely certain that they are helping us! We feel so much more positive now.

      Many hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  16. So happy for both of you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Meg. We both feel much calmer now.

      Many hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  17. So happy you guys received such GREAT news!! I will continue to pray for you two. ((((Hugs))))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Tricia, it's a big relief to know we have a little 'thinking time' before we need to make a final decision. Your prayers are very much appreciated.

      Many hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  18. Ami,
    I am so pleased with the results that you got and now you have some time to think about what to do without all the stress of waiting. Such a relief.

    We will keep praying and I hope that if the study is the right thing for Starman, that he will get in.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Susie. We feel much better today now we've been given this small reprieve. Actually had a good night's sleep for the first time in days and days. Yes, please keep the prayers coming.

      Hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  19. Yay!!!!! I was just updating all my comments from my last two posts and when I came to yours, I realized I hadn't seen this post yet!!

    I've been thinking about you guys and praying!! So glad it's no worse!! :)

    Love & hugs!!!
    Elle

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Elle. Well, well, well, you had the HH did you?! LOL!!!

      We are thankful - things could have been much worse. At least we can have some space to do some thinking, without having to jump straight in.

      Keep those prayers coming. They are very powerful things.

      Many hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  20. I'm really happy. Wonderful news.

    We will keep you both in our thoughts.

    Love and hugs,
    Ronnie
    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Ronnie. Whilst we both know a decision still has to be made, at least we have a bit of time to think about it. We were scared we would be forced to make an immediate decision that we would regret later on. The NHS is great for wanting instant answers, and sometimes you need a bit of space.

      Many hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  21. Ami,
    Sweetie, I am so happy to see this post. I've been thinking of you and Starman every single day. So thankful that things are good and that you two are tackling this thing head-on together. While there are challenges ahead, I believe that your positive energy and love for one another will increase the chances of beating this thing.

    We are all behind you and Starman, chica.

    Elisa Xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes we are very relieved! Now we know what we have to fight. But we also have time to consider the options. Thank you for your good wishes.

      Many hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  22. Such great news Ami! Thinking of you both.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Tess. Yes, the news is good, it could've been much worse.

      Many hugs,

      Ami

      Delete
  23. Such wonderful news. I am so happy for the both of you. I will continue to send healing thoughts your way. :-) Best wishes, Terpsichore

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much. I am astonished at the kindness of people around here!

      Hugs, Ami

      Delete
  24. Ami, this sounds like great news to me and I think you picked the very best course of action. Blessings.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Mick and also for your email. It takes time to get your head around something like this and I'm glad we've been given a 'thinking' space.

      Hugs, Ami

      Delete