Wednesday 10 April 2013

A Question of Attitude



Mr BB Spanker discussed something recently that I found very interesting.  It was centred around "One TIH's View of the HOH Role".  There was one point in particular that I felt I needed to discuss, and he suggested this post in order that I might share my thoughts with you.  


When I read the above post, initially I thought it was pretty good, although I didn't agree with it all either.  However, by the time I had read the discussion points, and re-read both them, and the post a couple of times, I had a much clearer understanding.


However, what has occurred to me is that having followed various blogs now since last September, there is an emerging pattern.  I find that the younger folk here have quite a different approach.  It is so interesting to read their posts.  I would not wish to put all of my thoughts about them into print as being very new, and just learning myself, I might inadvertently give the wrong impression, when really I am just, at times, a bit of a confused Ami.


I do find though, that the older folk, with long marriages over twenty years say, approach things more stealthily, and the ones, like myself, with over thirty years, are almost like large felines sizing up their King of Beasts.  We have, what could be referred to, as 'life experience'.  We have weathered a great many storms, and survived.  We have learned to read each other pretty well.  We have learned to argue, or not.  What has a common thread to us, is that we have all had a time in our marriages that we are not proud of.  We have turned to Dd/TTWD (and usually it seems to be the woman who has introduced it) in an effort to make things better, to address our faults, and tackle our differences.


For myself, I still retain a great amount of guilt.  It doesn't matter that I am long forgiven; or that I have tried to shut it away in the deeper recesses of my mind - I still can't forget about the damage I did, nearly irreparable damage, to our marriage.


We have come a long way in four and a half months.  Starman is gradually regaining his status as King of Beasts - the person he was when we first married, and before Bitch/Troll grew to a nearly unshakable entity.  Our most inspirational and enlightening 'discussions' remain those when I am OTK - without a doubt.


He rarely bruises me these days, although it still happens when certain wooden implements are used! (He is still very uncertain about using a belt and hasn't been very successful with it on the odd occasions we have tried).  He has discovered that he can invoke a response of great magnitude just using his hand, but that his hand is then virtually as red as my behind and probably stings as much!  The hairbrush remains my Waterloo, and I view it as one would view a poisonous snake!  And we now have a 'small' bath brush that is as yet, unused, though hung in a prominent place!  


At this point in our journey, corner time, for me, would be a very hard limit, although in five years time, who knows?  I need to feel him as the strong unmoving, constant in my life.  I have never been spanked in any other position than OTK (apart from a quick bend over the bed and a short volley of spanks on one memorable occasion), and he has told me he likes to feel me lying across him, even though he has to use his strength at times to keep me there, and I sometimes kick pretty hard, and try to stand up or crawl forwards, purely by reflex.


The point that drew my attention most, in One TIH's View of the HOH Role, was number 4, and most specifically in how that was seen through an 'Experienced HOH's Eyes'.


".....She mentions that she fears everything is out of control but doesn't realise she's controlling everything with negative behaviour patterns.  It seems that there is constant disregard for the fact that she needs to also hold herself accountable as an adult...........insecurities reappear and the same behaviour can be repeated over and over again...."


This is what I am afraid of happening.  I keep trying to wrest control from Starman.  Once I get a toe in the door, Bitch/Troll climbs out of the abyss and I have a job pushing her back down.


Starman hates it - I hate it.  What to do?  We are simply unable to address 'behavioural hiccups' when they happen, due to circumstance.  Believe me, we have thought long and hard and not been able to come up with a solution until we are alone.  Even with a quiet implement (which we have not been able to find apart from a dreaded plastic coathanger on a certain person's recommendation) I am most definitely NOT the most quiet of recipients!


Addressing these matters during maintenance is becoming a bit of an issue.  It makes maintenance very long, and is often rather too harsh to consider it maintenance.  Harsh is NOT a good word.  Let us say that the few punishments I have had, have been very painful in order to drive the point home.  Focus may be maintained, but in the several days I have sometimes had to wait, Bitch/Troll has gotten seriously out of hand.  Neither of us want to go back to my often negative behaviour, pre TTWD, and as I have also realised that I quite enjoy a good spanking (well, not at the point that the implement and bottom meet, but immediately afterwards), maintenance sometimes becomes rather too pleasurable.  We genuinely reaffirm not only our dynamic, but also our love, and we laugh a great deal in pure happiness.


I can summarise by saying that our view of the road ahead is much clearer than it was, but we still have our moments.  I say "our" on purpose.  There are two of us in this, and sometimes I get the feeling that wives can forget the husband has feelings too; or the husband forgets that he is human and can sometimes "over-react", or not react at all.


The recurring pattern of 'attitude' is the main thing I need to address.  I will never be a 'meek' wife.  Heaven forbid!  We are both too passionate for that.  But if anyone has anything constructive to offer on how I can break this cycle of "nice Ami" "nasty Ami", please let me hear it.  



22 comments:

  1. I so agree with you about those of us in very long term relationships/marriages. I'm in a different boat than you so I can't offer any advice but I am sure you will get some from other bloggers.

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    1. Thanks Sunny, at this point in time I think I am in a 'submarine'!

      Hugs

      Ami

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  2. I think maybe the answers as to why bitch/troll shows up are found in your post. You have been together for a very long time,and you have only been doing this for 4 1/2 months . You can't expect the 'habit' to be broken over night. Like I tell new moms it took 9 months to gain the baby weight, and yes, you did deliver 10 pounds of it,BUT you have to give yourself some time to shed the rest :)

    Furthermore I would hazard a guess that when bitch/troll shows up, you throw your guilt from the past, and the guilt you are feeling at the time for her reappearance in with those other emotions. Which will only frustrate you more.

    Recognizing that you had a bumpy past is healthy, but leave it there in the past. I know easier said and done. You can't soar in with bliss if you are wearing a heavy knapsack of guilt on your back.

    If you stop and listen to the littlest voice inside you, you will hear when 'she's building' that is the time to turn to your Starman and tell him just that. It doesn't mean he is going to spank the daylights out of you. But together you can work it out. It might not work the first few times, but you are aware of it and that is a huge first step.

    love willie

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    1. Thanks Willie, I just wish I had posted this days ago. I don't think Bitch/Troll will be showing up for a very long time! But I am very grateful for your advice and will do my best to bury the guilt - it's time I did!

      Hugs

      Ami

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  3. Hi Ami, I am afraid I have no advice to give...but I will offer a hug if that helps at all... :-)

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    1. At this moment I am accepting all the hugs I can get - do they come with Arnica?

      Hugs

      Ami

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  4. I understand what you are saying. The idea that when you have been together a long time certain things become non-issues.
    We all have those times in our past where we feel bad and guilty. I think that it is unrealistic to think we will be perfect in our relationships no matter whether we are vanilla or not. The key is that we treat each other with love and respect because we want to, and when we fall off the wagon we use the tools we each have to rectify that. TTWD,DD or not. Not sure I am making sense....hopefully you get what I am saying! LOL

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    1. Minelle you make a great deal of sense. Unfortunately I have fallen off the wagon in a very big way! Oh well, you win some you lose some!

      Hugs

      Ami

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  5. You said "For myself, I still retain a great amount of guilt"

    Maybe because since you can't forgive yourself you unconsciously think they haven't forgiven you?

    All through your posts you seem to mention that you have this terable past that you can't forgive yourself. I think that may be the key to your freedom form the bitch/troll

    Talk to your husband he should be able to help you
    Just my thoughts

    quit being so hard on yourself and forgive yourself and live.

    Bob

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    1. Hi Bob, we've been doing a great deal of talking (in my favourite HA! position!) and most of my issues are now resolved thankfully. With force, I might add! Thankfully we are both now in a better place.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  6. Dear Ami, I agree and thank you for this post. Those of us that have been together (29 yrs) there is more guilt build up, more times of lack of follow through, and / or more thinking we know what the other is thinking. Some of these can be a blessing and others are hurdles in this journey. I find myself drawn to blogs of more mature couples ( Sara and Grant, Lillie and Ian, Mick and Lynda, you and Starman ). Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Hello LY! Thanks for dropping by. There have certainly seemed to be many hurdles in our journey so far. As soon as I think we are set on one direction, Starman decides to do a U-turn! Oh well, I am just following.....

      Hugs

      Ami

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  7. Hey Ami

    It happens to all of us, whether we've been married donkeys years or only a few, we call it bitch troll, minime, sassy sassy and god knows what else, but it all means the same. Life situations bring out different reactions in us, and yes sometimes it can be disrespectful and hurtful.

    Dd doesn't solve everything Ami, it's a tool to be used in certain situations. Sometimes a spanking can actually make me more angry than calm. I'm also a very vocal and feisty person.

    DD means different things to different couples, and yes you're right when you say "we" as there are two people in a relationship. We can't always deal with things straight away, but sometimes a look or even a time out and away from the situation helps. It doesn't have to be CT, it can be that starman can ask you to go to your bedroom for a while and calm down, and then resume the conversation.

    There are all sorts of ways to deal with different situations, you just have to find what works best for you guys and not look too much in to how others do it.

    Also as mentioned by others, we ALL have a past, but if you don't let go of it you can't learn from it.

    I wish you luck in finding what works for you x

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    1. Thanks Missy. Actually you cannot imagine what a mind-reader you are with your second paragraph! At the moment this isn't so much a journey, as an overland trek! Thanks for your good wishes.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  8. Hi Ami,
    I have had to separate out "ways of relating" that are unhealthy from "who I am" which will always be feisty and a bit difficult. We have old patterns in the ways that we relate to each other which have been difficult to break but if it is any encouragement to you, a couple years into DD we really have changed a great number of them.

    On the other hand, I am just as fiery and outspoken as I've always been. The trick (and it really is one) is to learn how to be all of me and still communicate respect to my husband. I struggle with attitude too...and it is often still dealt with. I suspect that it will always be a struggle because it hits a weak place in my demeanor. The fact that we are aware of it and trying does matter!

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    1. Hi Susie

      I just hope my bottom can cope with two years down the line!

      I can really relate to your second paragraph. Especially the second sentence! It's just that the words come out of my mouth and even I am surprised by them! I suspect it will always be a struggle for me too.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  9. Wow Ami, this is a great thought provoking post. We are not a couple that have been together for some 20 plus years, but I can understand that the longer you have been together, the more 'old patterns' we have developed in the way we relate to each other.

    These old patterns are not easy to break and it does take some time. I'm not sure if they ever fully stop cropping up every now and then, but if we can recognise it happening that's a good thing.

    It is hard when things can't be dealt with straight away. For us, I find sometimes even just a look or a few pointed words from him can reign me in. We do use corner time occasionally and I have also written lines on occasion. I hope you find something that works for you.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. I know! But it's one thing recognising old patterns well in advance, but then suddenly KERPOW! they erupt and leave you standing up for the next 24 hours! (Don't even go there!)

      I obviously missed the raised eyebrow and am now suffering the consequences. Remember Roz, I'm still holding you to a post about 'tolerance'. It's something I can suddenly relate to very well!

      I hope we can find something that works for us as well - because I need something to rein my in!

      Hugs

      Ami

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  10. Me too. I try to control spankings by lying faking, whatever works. We are doing a lot of submission exercises to reinforce and I keep Wes apprised of my latest tactic.
    Bea

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  11. That sounds interesting - care to enlighten someone with a sore butt?!

    Hugs

    Ami

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  12. Hi Ami & Starman! Wow, this did turn out to be a very open and honest post :) But then again, all your posts are interesting and from the heart.
    So glad you found the ADDS exercise to be something useful and thought provoking. Just the way you're thinking all the way through areas of DD shows so much growth on the part of you & Starman.
    Your friend,
    MrBB

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  13. Sorry I'm so late acknowledging your comment. We continue to grow and to learn. I still battle my emotions, and probably always will as I have never been a placid sort of woman. It seems that each step of the journey leads to something new.

    Hugs

    Ami

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