Sunday 18 August 2013

Flying Through Turbulence!

(This does contain adult content.  If you prefer not to read it, I quite understand, and I mean no offence.)

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Do you ever feel as if you are in the middle of a desert?  

All you can see for miles and miles are the never-ending, undulating sand dunes, a clear blue sky, and that relentless sun beating down from overhead.

Not a tree, not a rocky outcrop, not an oasis to provide a little shade, a little respite, a little comfort.




Last Tuesday came as a bit of a shock to my system. It was, I believe, a breakthrough for both of us, although perhaps in different ways.

I've thought of little else since then, even when cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, even when digging potatoes out in the veggie patch and picking cucumbers to make my special salad with sour cream.



I knew I had to talk to Dan.  Had to discuss how I had felt at the time.  How I felt afterwards.  But we've been so busy we haven't had a moment.  The minute we go to bed we sleep a sleep born out of complete physical and mental exhaustion.

I have been so calm in my head, since my spanking, even though I have been pretty physically stressed. Sort of a floating feeling, almost.



Then last night, all the calm and tranquillity suddenly left me.  I was sitting on the sofa across from Dan, who was watching an old episode of NCIS (the one with the blow-up doll!) and I was sort of reading, and sort of watching, when I felt all my "good feeling" drain out of my system.

I can only compare it with the need for a large intake of caffeine, as I can only imagine what it must be like to be dependent on something like cocaine.  But it wasn't a gradual lessening, it went all at once, and my light, airy, happy demeanour went with it.

(Many of you voiced the opinion that I needed to talk with Dan, and some of you sent me some really lovely emails.  Thank you all so much.  Honestly, I don't know what I would do, or how I would cope without your support!)  

So this morning as we sat propped up by our pillows, sipping our tea/coffee and watching the clouds scudding by through the high windows, I knew I would have to tackle the subject of how this latest spanking had affected me so emotionally.  I just didn't know how.



Dan was in full flow about selling the barn and what we had left to do, and how we were going to accomplish it as quickly as possible, and how we were going to have to stay on top of things and not let clutter and junk invade every room.

I finished my coffee and slumped down again relaxing - it was only just after 7 after all!  He soon followed and as I was turned on my side away from him, he spooned up to me and put his arm around my waist, which I love.  He never used to do this, and it makes me feel so relaxed and wanted.

He was just beginning to get a little amorous, and I thought, Well, I've got to tackle this issue, or it'll eat me up.

So I started to chat about how attentive he had been to me since Tuesday, and how content and cherished he had made me feel. I explained that I had felt that for the first time ever, he had taken total control of a spanking, and I had felt a vulnerability I had never felt before.  But that also, it had led to confusion in my head because I had thought it was going to be an erotic spanking, and then a stress relief spanking, and then he had turned it into something far more intense and serious.  



I suggested we might separate some of our spankings so we both knew what the spanking was intended to achieve.

It was at this point that Dan reacted in a way I wasn't expecting and was, I thought, a bit scathing and dismissive.  I pulled away from him, still on my side and facing away.  He was still talking and I was being monosyllabic.  Then suddenly the words "your fetish" registered on my brain.  He really made me upset, and I burst into tears.



It took him a minute or two for him to realise I was crying, until I was sobbing so loudly I got his attention and got him agitated.

"Well, that's what it is for want of a better word, isn't it?  Oh, come on for goodness sake and pull yourself together.  I quite like it.  I'm happy with it.  But let's face it, it's not the average sort of thing you can talk to your friends about is it?"

I cried harder and louder.  Dan was at a loss.  We were at an impasse.

He let me cry myself out, not trying to hold me or comfort me, just letting me sniffle to a stop and sit up and blow my nose.



So we talked.  And talked some more.

He admitted the word "fetish" wasn't a good one to have used, and I told him that I didn't in any way feel any different to anyone else in that our sex lives were not open for discussion with our vanilla friends, and never had been.  He, however, begged to differ.  He asked me how many times other wives had discussed having less and less sex as they got older, and that he certainly knew from the mens' point of view that if they had sex once a month they were lucky.

I was horrified.  Once a month!  I felt neglected if we went less than three times a week.  (Well, we're not twenty any more and sex every day is reserved for the young - and/or less stressful times!)  (If you are young, then you will learn!)  But it's something that I would never wish to discuss with the aforesaid friends simply because we have TTWD now, and I am afraid the majority of our friends would definitely not understand; not even understand our regular need for each other. Sadly, that's the way these people have become.  For them, youth is too far away.

We discussed TTWD and how it has affected our lives. I tried to explain why I was upset by the word "fetish".  A little kink perhaps, but I am a normal person.  I'm certainly not into anything heavy.  And frankly, if people enjoy going further, that is up to them.  It bothers me not a jot.  It's a free world!

But I needed Dan to know, that for me, to go back to where we once were, was, and is, not an option.  So I asked him about Tuesday's spanking.  

I explained how it had affected me and I wanted to know his point of view.  He told me that he thought he had probably spanked me harder than he had ever spanked me before.  He admitted, reluctantly, that he had enjoyed spanking me.  He had come to the conclusion that it was the only way to correct my attitude.  He admitted to having a few concerns, but had decided to go with his gut feelings, and he knew the second I submitted to him. And stopped. He said he was surprised there were no bruises, and I ventured the thought that it was because of all the hand spanking first and the gradual build up, instead of whamming me from the offset.  

We sat quietly, still talking.  I told him that I continued to feel very real guilt for the way I had acted in the past.  Talk about an ice queen.  I even told him off at one time for wanting to sleep in the nude.  I always wore a nightie and knickers.  I hated my breasts touched.  I never ever let him kiss me or touch me more than he had to down there.  When all this started, I am at a loss to remember, but it was after having our children, so maybe something shifted in my brain.  Who knows. 

Dan said to me, "Look, we've been married all these years and weathered many storms.  It's just that a year ago we were on the road to nowhere, and now you've turned our lives around, and I'm still getting used to it.  Nine months may sound a long time, but it's nothing.  Look how far we've come and what we've achieved.  If I could boast to my friends I would!  Nine months ago I was having problems even getting an erection.  Now all you have to do is talk about spanking and I see your nipples stand up on end and I stand to attention.  I'm not trying to go backwards, but you have to understand that it's been a near vertical learning curve for me.  

I love you Ami, I really do, but suddenly we are doing things, you are doing things, that I never even dared to dream of, and the ordinary man on the street hardly knows exist."

My eyes were filling with tears yet again.  Talk about a crying fest!  My guilt was eating me up, chewing on my bones and spitting them out.



"I just hate the way I feel," I told him.  "All those years we could have been having such fun.  I just never knew about some of these things.  The few times you suggested something new, it scared me half to death.  Why didn't you insist?"

"How could I?  Why would I?  You don't do that when you love someone, Ami.  Remember the first time I suggested a blow job?  You were nearly sick on the spot."

"Because I didn't understand.  And you didn't help a bit.  It's your fault we were so boring!"

"So now it's my fault?" Dan was doing his best to control his anger.  "Don't forget I didn't know much either.  People didn't do all this sleeping around in our day. Bloody hell, your dad would've been down on us like a ton of bricks if he saw my car outside your place early in the morning.  Don't you remember that night you stayed over at my house when my parents were away on holiday, and the milkman woke us up and we panicked thinking my old man was rattling on the door?!"

I giggled and blew my nose again.  "Alright, so you weren't boring.  But it's just that I feel so stupid. Like I've wasted so much time."

"You can't keep drowning in all this regret.  You have to let it go and move on.  I'm happy with our lives now, aren't you?"

I turned into his chest and cried once more.  He stroked my hair and hugged me.  It was awful.  I hate this thing called 'age'.  

We reaffirmed our love for each other in the best possible way.  There was no spanking, and we both had to keep our voices down.  My loud moans, anyway!  

I never got to talk about a safe word.  It would have been a step too far.  I'll keep it on the back burner for future conversations.  

I know now that he won't let me off lightly in the future.  He's going to spank me hard and I'll just have to cope with it.  I know it will only be when I deserve it.  But I will have to trust him to stop when he knows I've had enough.  And that's a good thing.


The other thing is that I plan to ask him for a spanking again.  A spanking to assuage all this guilt I am carrying around with me.  We need to wipe the slate. I know that until we do, I can't move forwards emotionally.  

This has not been the easiest of weeks, but I think we have both moved even closer if that can be possible. Even though we started off, nine months ago, a million miles apart, we are steadily closing the gap. It's not easy, and we still don't know where we are, or what we are doing half of the time. 

"You do like this don't you?" I asked him.  

"Of course I do," he replied.  "But I can't just move from A to Z and miss out all the middle bit.  I need to consider it, to practise it, to savour it.  It's worlds away from how we used to be, but the tools are unfamiliar, and I need to learn the best way of using them."

He arched an eyebrow.

"I think you are using them fine.  Just fine." I replied.

     


30 comments:

  1. Just lovely.

    I hate the "age" thing to but then we bring so much more to the table now.

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    1. Sunny, if I could frame your comment - I would! Thank you.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  2. How familiar this all sounds - the wonderful man who is willing and trying but can't completely understand and the regret of the many wasted years when I was repressed and distant. But we are 7 years into this. Nick seems completely content, but there are still things I want to explore - maybe. It's so good you're talking, that's the hardest for me.

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    1. PK - I'm so glad you have said this. I feel so like the person in that first picture, the one standing on a sand dune and wondering where on earth she is and where she is headed. I just feel so disorientated.

      I so agree, the talking, for me, is the hardest part too. Firstly it's hard to put my thoughts into words, and secondly Dan then has the knack of saying something that doesn't "sit right" with me. Poor man, he must be quite exhausted by my shenanigans! He's so patient, but even he has his limits of endurance.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  3. Gosh hon...this was a wonderful talk. I think he has said it clearly, "He loves spanking" maybe not talking about it though!
    We all have regrets. I know I have many, and probably will chalk up some new ones too. We are human..

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    1. He's really not that keen to talk about it. You can hear him cringe! Oh no, not this again. "Can't I just do it and not talk about what you expect from it? Why do you have to go on and on about it?" Oh dear.

      I am still feeling rather drained. We heard today that the hospital appointment is not going to be till November!!! I feel like a small girl with pigtails who wants to stamp her foot and have a tantrum!

      I'm glad to hear that I am not the only one with regrets though. Thanks honey!

      Hugs

      Ami

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  4. What a great talk....look how far you have come! I also wish we would have started sooner, but then I really don't think we would have been ready for this when we weren't as 'mature' as we are now. ( I prefer that wording ) ;)

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    1. Hi Betsy! How are you!

      Oh I don't know that we've come any great distance. But you have a point about "being ready" for it. Don't think I will ever behave that mature though. Act your shoe size and not your age! Golly, don't even mention it! Let's hope you are right.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  5. Darlin' Ami...Let go of the guilt and quit looking in the rear-view mirror! Ya know, when some couples start TTWD, they have a 'cleansing' spanking that encompasses everything in the past...said/unsaid. If that will work for you and Dan...go for it!

    I have been asked by several people what I would change if I could go back in time and my answer is always "not a thing!" I like who I am right now and if I were to go back and change anything, I would not be the same person I am now.

    Ok, so I might not have made some of the lousy choices and/or mistakes but who's to say that I wouldn't have made worse?!? And not be a person I like!

    My family all knows that one of the songs I want sung at my funeral is 'My Way'...here is the Elvis Presley version with the words printed on the screen http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PP8HO9TGkbw. Listen to the words...not all apply, but the basic premise does.

    I know I owe you several emails (I know...I deserve a spanking *sigh*) but I am here if you want to talk.

    Sending lots of positive energy your way!

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. When we started it was suggested that we wait a bit and not plunge into one of these "guilt" spankings. But I truly feel it's the only way to rid myself of my personal "elephant" in the room. The regret is too much of a burden, and I need to leave it in a "lost luggage" office, hopefully never to be found again.

      Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and there are definitely things I would do differently given a second chance, but you are right, what if by doing things differently I became a different person? A quandary. It's a bit like that movie, "Sliding Doors". Who knows?

      I have to get on and forge ahead with what I've got, and leave the past behind.

      And golly, here you are talking about funerals! Good grief! I will have to listen to the Elvis version of My Way on Dan's computer because mine doesn't have a sound card. (It's old for goodness sake! They hadn't invented sound cards then!) I love the version by Frank. The words seem written for this post don't they?

      You do! I'll send Dan over with his rods like I threatened Minelle! Bloody hospital had lost his notes and his appointment will now be in November as there are three months of people ahead of him! Total dead loss!

      Thanks for the positive energy. I do need it one way or another!

      Many hugs

      Ami

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  6. Oh Ami, there is no point in feeling guilty about the past!!! What good will it do? Part of life is the growing up and changing, so okay we have all come to this later in life. I am just grateful that we have got here now. Let's face it we could have missed it all together if not for for some chance happening that brought it to our attention. Just be grateful that Dan likes spanking you and let everything else go
    lots of love Jan.xx

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    1. Also I told my beloved about the" fetish" and he said that's what we did have and he liked it!! men.Jan

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    2. Well that's typical of a man! You can never rely on them to say what you want them to say, can you Jan?

      I know what you mean, but at this moment I'm feeling like a ship adrift on the seas. Or a camel lost in the desert who can't find an oasis. And thank goodness for that bloody book that started it all for me. Talk about naive!

      Told you how hopeless I was!

      Many hugs

      Ami

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  7. Hey Ami :)

    Ok I read this, and then came back and read it a couple of more times, and I'm tryin to find the words here for you, so bare with me :)

    Do you believe in fate? That everything happens at a certain time in life, for a good reason ? I do, I really really believe in this. I didn't used to, so much has happened in my life though, that when I sat and thought about it once, I could actually see the reasons behind every obstacle that was put in my way and the step I took to deal with.

    TTWD has changed a lot in our life, I'm learning to soften up and let Balu in to my life, as a partner and friend and lover. I couldn't always do that. Life and circumstances, meant I couldn't. If did I would have been weak and vulnerable and wouldn't have been able to help my family through some very difficult times. Life had taught me to keep people at a distance, this way I could stop being emotional, and use logic to help them and myself.

    This did turn me cold and selfish. I chose my actions without any regard for his feelings, because I would have thought about it completely emotion free and had declared it the best road to take, and would follow through. Had I learnt about DD at this time, I would have called BS on it all and would put every woman in the abused department and men as controlling assholes.

    But I didn't find it then, I wasn't even looking for anything then, I had a job to do, and that was all that mattered. It was when I felt my job was done and everything had worked out an I could relax, is when I started to see things for what they were. How much I had pushed him away and how lonely that made us both. In this time I accidentally came upon DD and that started to give me ideas about how to help my marriage.

    It was all fate, everything that happened to us, all we went through, they were all steps that we ha to take to get here. I have regrets, many, but I deal with, knowing that at the time fate or whatever you call it, made me the way I was, for a greater cause, and then fate put TTWD in my way, to bring me as a person back and give Balu also the person he married. To help strengthen our marriage again.

    Don't know if that makes any sense or not. What I'm trying to say is, don't be so hard on yourself. Yes you behaved a certain way for a while, but life situations and circumstances made you that way. The important thing is, you're turning it all round and look at how far you've come.

    Ask for the spanking to clear the slate if you think that will help, but then you HAVE got to let go of your regrets and guilt :)

    Hugs x

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    1. Like you, there were many years when I had to be strong, not only for myself but for Dan and for our kids. I ran a home, held down a nearly full time job, looked after the kids with all their hundreds of activities, evented horses in my spare time. The list is endless.

      True. Even now when someone gets a good spanking I get upset. Yet if it were me, I'm not so bothered. It's taken me a very long time to "not worry" about others around here In fact, even when I read fictional accounts of spankings, I get worked up. Even if I have written them myself!!!

      I love your emails and comments - they are so supportive. Thank you so much! I think I have to exorcise those regrets though, and I can only think of the one way of doing it. It won't be pleasant, but it has to be faced.

      Many hugs,

      Ami

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  8. Wow Ami, what an awesome discussion with Dan. Thanks for sharing with us :)

    Callie

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    1. Oh Callie, yes it was a bit awesome. I hope I haven't scared you off. I find face to face communication about TTWD still very difficult. The right words often just won't come out. Then I think of them later and could kick myself.

      Hugs

      Ami

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    2. Oh, I know how that feels. The right words are often very very far away when we need them. You'd have to say some patty strange things to scare me off :P

      Callie

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  9. Ami, I suppose now it is not secret to the 'mass populous' of your readers that we are friends outside of blog land to, so I am not going to say what the others have said, as you KNOW I already have told you that several times before.

    Here goes nothing...or everything....

    I too have had those moments that you described, where suddenly a black cloud as entered my beautiful sunny day. Removing all warmth from my body. It actually just happened the day after my 'thorough' spanking. The trigger? nothing significant to be sure. This time however, I said out right to Barney, " Wow, I'm so irritated right now. It makes no sense. I was perfectly fine, or so I thought and then one little stupid thing, and it is like I am rock hard again". He just looked at me and said, "okay, we can deal with this". *THIS* type of scenario has been a long time coming. I had to go through, ( and you were often there for it-as confusing as it may have been to both of us at the time) a GREAT deal of self discovery. Barney had to too. Without communicating where my heartset was to him,( we couldn't take care of it right away)little things would have continued to build, and as a self defense mechanism I would have 'walked' away from Barney.

    You are on the right track Ami- you are communicating. Eventually if you keep at it, I am positive you will come to a point where you can share immediately with Starman. The thing is things are evolving. Like evolution of spanking, the evolution of communication takes time. WAY more time for others. The thing that is difficult to explain to others if they haven't 'reached' the part of the journey where communication gets deeper is what it entails. The words may be the same in print but the meaning is far deeper, and the words more difficult to come out at times.

    *****(continued below)****

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  10. Part 2

    It is like 'shucking' and oyster. This communication/experience stuff. We pry it open( or some HoH's do) and we reap the rewards ( if one likes an oyster..blech btw)and are happy with the sustenance it provides. Some people continue to thrive in eating this way, for a long time, or forever. Some times, if we keep trying, and the stars align we find a pearl in that oyster! An added bonus, because in the past we are thriving on the oysters alone. This brings up so many decisions to make. What to do with the pearl? How it will be best utilized? Or do we just keep it to ourselves? Whatever the decision, what we CAN'T do is look at all the empty shells behind us, and regret that none of them had pearls in them. Or think 'what if ALL' of those had pearls? ( not going to make a pearl necklace joke here). Along the way, you have cut your hand trying to pry some open. Some of the shells of communication were empty when you finally managed to use that tool to look inside- but all was not lost because you gained experience while trying.

    Lately you have found a little pearl. You have worked hard to get there. Together you have 'shucked' a lot of oysters. BUT it is Starman you need to continue to share with and NOT control. When I read, "I suggested we might separate some of our spankings so we both knew what the spanking was intended to achieve" I thought 'oh no'. Please don't try and control this part. Because if you had been 'prepared' on Tuesday, you might not have experienced what you did.

    I do agree that maybe for your heartset, emptying the bucket of discarded shells might be a good idea for you. You do have to suggest it to Starman if you think it might help, but not suggest-tell. I would *suggest* that he doesn't tell you in advance when this will be if he decides to. You seem to thrive better on the unknown. It is scary to be for sure- a new vulnerability, but you don't lay out in the open for too long, and the things you learn about yourself in that time, will help to 'move' you to where you want to be. A place that is difficult to understand, but wonderful once you are there!- until the next time you find a pearl! LOL

    willie

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    1. Well, dang it, so that's how you do it when you want to write a long comment. The times I have lost my long epistles!

      I have had to read it three times so far though. Just to be sure I haven't missed anything.

      (I still have your first email with the 'snow pictures'!!!, and one where you pointed the camera at yourself and you look like a rabbit caught in the headlights!!!!! LOL!) Sorry, couldn't resist that one!

      So what is it with this sudden leaking away of calm and serenity, leaving a black hole in its place? Are you going to tell me this happens every time? It leaves me nearly hyperventilating! But heaven knows if ever, EVER, Dan will say "We can deal with this!!!" That'll be the day! as John Wayne said.

      I am actually beginning to wonder whether (as we are a couple of months behind you) whether I am entering the "Willie Sea of Discontent"? Sorry, but you know, it could all be part of the process. Just saying. I don't think I've cried as much in my life as this past few months. What is it with me! Initially Dan was very sympathetic and would hug, but now he's getting fed up with it all. I'm like Alice down the rabbit hole!!

      Communication is extremely difficult. Nigh impossible, here, at the moment. Not distancing, just not saying the right things, or even knowing what to say. Let's hope it evolves quickly!

      Willie, I hate oysters!!! Nasty chewy, indigestible things! Yuck! And golly am I confused! However, I do understand what you mean about regrets being like empty shells. (Pearl necklaces! How rude!) (When we had chickens we used to feed them broken oyster shell to help with their digestions and to form new and hard egg shells for when they laid their eggs.) We have to keep trying to communicate don't we? Sometimes they listen to more of what we say than we think they do. And then, voila, it comes out when we are least expecting it.

      Yeah. I knew as soon as the words about 'different' spankings were out of my mouth I shouldn't have said them. Unfortunately I had not long before read Stormy's post about what she calls them all, and I got carried away with the idea. That'll "larn" me! Here I am trying not to control, and it appears back in an instant!

      The "suggest" is good advice. But I have to say, in my defence, that I was just telling Dan about how the spanking made me feel confused. Oh well, I'll just have to hope he makes up his own mind on that one. Even if I'm already dreading the outcome.

      I do think I thrive more on the unknown than the known. But to admit to it is a difficult thing. A bit scary too.

      So, you were in this well... And I am standing on a sand dune.... Any hope for us?

      Many hugs,

      Ami

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    2. I have been in well- adrift at sea ( okay a Great Lake- terrified of the see), I have not only constructed but lived in an ice hotel, I have been the Siobhan O'Connor version of Rapunzel in a turret, I've been numb, angry, indifferent, unrecognizable to myself..I have been all these things and more, as you well know. BUT at the moment I am none of those things. I don't even have a single scratch on me from them, but I do remember what it is like, and the feeling of fear that you may never snap out of this abyss, or WORSE go back to the way you were can be paralyzing.

      None of those things have happened to me, and I seriously doubt they will to you :). Some times things just need to run their course. You need to collect the puzzle pieces and try again, or reflect for a bit longer. Some times the piece we thought was missing is right within our reach.

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  11. I to have regrets and wish we would have started at an earlier age. But you can't dwell and at least your now here and enjoying!
    Kim

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    1. So maybe that's several of us. That makes me feel better. And all right, no dwelling. Good grief, it's difficult though. Yes, at least I am here now.

      Hugs Kim,

      Ami

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  12. Hugs, Ami. That desert of not being able to choke out everything you think you really need to say? Feeling stuck and emotionally drained and barren, yet still in turmoil? Nope, no idea what you mean.

    I think it's good Dan was so forthcoming about what he was thinking. I don't think he realized there is such a sensitive place deep in you (in many of us) that is vulnerable to being hurt by words that appear to be delivered harshly, dismissively, thoughtlessly, or misunderstanding even a little and wrongly "pegging" you.

    I think you'll get there, to fully explaining and moving past it - and forward. It's hard not to let too much time pass before you find you have lost some of that inner willingness to risk being completely open. That costs, dearly...or so I've heard. ;-)

    Hugs...

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    1. Is that just a little squidge of sarcasm I read in that first paragraph Irishey? LOL!

      I've always been soft and a little touchy about comments people make. I often read into them far more than I should. I'm quite happy with having a 'little kink', but I hadn't ever thought of it as a 'fetish'. Life is difficult at times.

      Our problem is that we have been, and still are, so busy that we are forgetting that "WE" need time, just to talk and be together. We are going to have to reinstate a "date" night, even if it's just to go to the pub for a drink. Everyone else always claims our time! I get very resentful. Wish I didn't, but I do.

      Thanks for your kind comments, honey.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  13. Ami,

    I'm a little behind in blogland - but when I read this this morning, it really spoke to me.

    It's just so sweet to me - how much you experienced and how much you learned. I loved your talk and the break through that you had. Yes, the spanking sounded intense - and it made me concerned when I read it - but it's what you shared about the aftermath, the talking, the reconnecting - the big smile you both had at the end, and especially the growing that has made an impact on me today.

    hugs,
    Cali

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    1. Thanks Sweetie,

      We are still working through it. Lots more talking. Although we know each other inside and out, Dan still has the power to surprise me. I think this is where I have to try my best to give up my control and hope he will continue what, in essence, I started. It has reinforced in my mind, that TTWD is two steps forwards and one step back for us. All we can do is keep communicating! I do hope that by sharing our journey we can help others who find themselves in the same situation.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  14. Oh Ami, I am sorry I am late to seeing this post. What an amazing conversation you both had together. There will always be things to work out, more communication to be had, but it really sounds from over here that you both connected and took the next step (leap) forward. I only wish the two of you happiness. I hope you find a way to forgive yourself for times past...we all have things we may have chosen to do differently...but I truly believe the experiences we have are necessary to get us to where we are today and where we will be tomorrow. So please do not be so hard on yourself and enjoy today. There is so many things I want to say, share...but for now I will simply offer hugs and my friendship and a shoulder if you need it, and lots of warm thoughts and positive energy... :-) Terps

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