Wednesday 20 November 2013

The Hump-backed Bridges of Starsong Land

In the UK we still have a considerable number of these.


They look very picturesque, but see what happens if you drive over them too quickly:


All four wheels leave the ground!

So when you see a sign like this


it's time to slow down, because any minute now you are going to be crossing a hump-backed bridge!

You are all wondering where I am going with this. 

The fact is that many people around Blogland seem to be encountering hump-backed bridges at the moment - me included.

They come in all shapes and sizes, and the method of approach has to be the same in every case

SLOW!  

Yet it seems to me that time and time again we refuse to obey the rules of the road!

I am sensing a communication difficulty here.

I'm going to start with a couple of little questions.  I should be very interested in your answers.

1  If you are married, and the female in the partnership, did you promise to obey?

2  If not, why not?  

3  If you did, then are you both living up to your promises?  

4  If not, why not?

I know.  It's a toughie.  I know some people here in Blogland who have been practising Dd and TTWD for many years, and yet "obey" never came into it, and I am intrigued as to why.  Because I can't help but see a bit of a conflict situation here - unless you have changed through 360 degrees of course.

I said obey. In turn Dan promised to love and cherish me and guard me with his life. He's done a pretty damn good job of it too considering the hoops I've put him through, although he is still having difficulty with being "openly affectionate".  He still holds a lot inside.

Yet there are things I have always done simply for the love of the man.  Simply because I watched my grandmother do them for my grandfather, and my mother do them for my father.  (I know I am lucky.) 

Such as spend so much time in the kitchen I feel I should've been a frontier wife in a log cabin!  Such as really enjoy doing the laundry and ensuring we have regular changes of linen and our clothing is aired and ironed and presentable.  Such as packing away the dishwasher in the evenings but leaving any food left over, or some snacks such as peanuts, or cheese and celery out on the work surface till bedtime, in case Dan should feel the need.  Such as automatically making Dan a mug of tea whenever I make myself a coffee, even though he sometimes forgets to reciprocate.  

Such as being open-minded about sex and letting him lead the way, but not being afraid of asking him what he would like from me, even if it initially makes me uncomfortable.  Such as being willing to learn and trusting he will stop if I am scared or it hurts.

So the latest gift was Dd/TTWD.  I managed after many false starts, to put into words, to communicate, that I was willing to try my best to truly obey.

I think it has been the toughest part of our marriage so far.  We've had, without question, more rows, more distancing, more problems with attitude, more ups and downs, in such a short time, than I can ever remember.  

But though we are still working on them, the positives so far have been enormous.  We've worked our way through elementary level, and have now embarked on intermediate.  (I think this promises to be quite a long haul!)

And it comes down to the fact that it is communication that is not only the hinge upon which our TTWD hangs, but it is without doubt the most difficult expectation we have of each other. 

To be able to look each other in the eyes and really communicate.  Not just talk.  Not just say the things we want to hear each other say.  But utterly mean them.   It's so, so difficult!

There have been times we have reached stand-off.


These times have been awful.  Destructive.  They've placed us both in a "lose lose" situation instead of "win win". 

I've stated before that probably the most effective discussions for us, take place when I am over Dan's lap, and he reinforces his words with spanks!

But this is not always feasible, nor helpful, as there have been occasions when I would willingly promise the world and everything in it just to get him to stop! 

So we do have to purposely ensure we take the time to sit and do nothing other than talk.  This is where Willie has mentioned the "lump in the throat".  I can vouch for it.  Or your mouth suddenly seems full of cotton wool.

What we don't want is this situation


The scowl, the tight jaw, the pointy finger.  Bad.  Very bad!

We need to be more like this


We need to be able to reach out to each other.  To be able to fully explain our feelings.  To listen, and be listened to.

If I am nervous, because I know the session is going to be intense - I need to be able to explain this to Dan without him getting all HOHy and telling me I should just do as I am told.  

If I think he is being inconsistent, I need to be able to tell him so.  If he thinks I am being controlling, he needs to be able to tell me so.  We need to be able to have a discussion without recrimination or hurt feelings.  

I need to be able to explain how I feel without him going into "sulky little boy mode" and he needs to be able to "suggest" things to me without me going into "stroppy, venomous wife mode". 

So in order to drive safely over these hump-backed bridges, we both need to observe the warning signs. 

We are both in this together.  We've seen the benefits, but we need to work harder at our communication skills.  It doesn't just come from one of us.  But from both of us.  

I suppose only time will tell.

Don't forget those questions I asked you. I'd love to know your answers. Of even how you feel about the whole "obey" word.  

Remember the hump-backed bridges! It's good to communicate!





35 comments:

  1. "stroppy, venomous wife mode". Very aptly put Ami.

    Thanks for sharing this and for what you wrote to me. It's good advice for sure. Hopefully all will be back on track over here in SM Land soon.

    love sara

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    1. I get very stroppy when I am on the defensive - yet why should I feel I need to be on the defensive?! And venomous - you better believe it!

      I just need to remember to take my own advice!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  2. Hey Ami -

    1. No - said cherish
    2. I watched my mother lose herself to a dominant man and I wanted none of it.
    3. N.A
    4. N.A

    We do cherish each other. We are pretty respectful of each other, not perfect by any means and there have been lots of hurt feeling over the years but we've both noticed that we seem to have taken on each other's habits, for better or worse.

    Your comment " I need to be able to explain how I feel without him going into "sulky little boy mode" and he needs to be able to "suggest" things to me without me going into "stroppy, venomous wife mode". seems to be our biggest challenge even after 43 years. I joke about it to him saying "I know you're never going to do it again for the rest of your life" and he will laugh but it still happens. Unfortunately, depending on my mood, I still get into that
    'stroppy, venemous wife mode' I've often told him to call me on it but mostly he reverts to the 'sulky little boy' or walks out.

    I think we'll survive though. :) Marriage takes constant work because it involves two imperfect people in an imperfect world. For the most part, I think it is amazing at how many long term good (not great) marriages there are out there.

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    1. I really appreciate your comments, Sunny. Long marriages take an enormous amount of work, don't they?

      I am glad you both get into the same "modes" as we do. I am being very honest here, and I couldn't think of a more appropriate description. We find it very difficult to talk in a grown-up manner when we are emotional - Dan retreats to drink a glass of good quality Scotch and think about things, but I turn bolshy and distance myself from him. So not a good combination.

      1 I think I am the only woman I know (apart from a dear school friend) who said "obey", so you are the "norm".

      2 My father was very dominant. He adored my mother, but there were times he was very harsh with me and used to lose his temper. My mother could do nothing wrong. He pined away when she died. He even had engraved on her headstone how much he "cherished" her. But although he was fairly dominant, he was never domineering.

      We are not perfect with each other either. But maybe perfection could be boring?

      Hugs
      Ami

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  3. What a lovely post, Ami. You say it so well, and your pictures are perfect.

    First of all, I'm sure you need a good sound spanking every minute or three, just to keep you in line. :D

    Second, I can't wait until you announce the St. Knickerless panties. LOL

    Third, you've made it this far. Hooray!

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    1. I am very glad Dan doesn't read my posts!

      1 The snag, and of course there is always a snag, is that it is always easier to preach than "practise what you preach". Sigh.

      2 Yea! Roll on St Knickerless Day! LOL!

      3 I know. Can't you see everyone rushing inside and locking their doors shouting "That mad Englishwoman is at it again!"

      Hugs
      Ami

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  4. Hi Ami, didn't say obey, don't think anyone suggested it. Must have had a forward thinking vicar. i wish I had said it, would if I was marrying hubby now. This is a great post, explaining all the things we are going through, although stroppy venomous wife would be exaggerating just a tad. lol. I think maybe we need to all work on our communication skills. Ought to be a compulsory course before you get married like all those trips to the Vicar!

    Love Jan.xx

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    1. Then you were very lucky you didn't have a vicar like ours. And I wouldn't have minded, but the b----y man ran off with a member of the congregation soon after our wedding. We have always joked that perhaps we aren't really married after all!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  5. I didn't say obey in our vows but as ttwd is deleloping obey is the word I would use over submission. Submission just has a different meaning to me that is a bit hard to explain. I can say that I hope to get to a place where the respect I want to show towards my husband just naturally leads to me a place where obeying his wishes is a natural sign of that respect.

    I agree that communication is best face to face. We're getting there. I think if you need to write it down at first that is beneficial too. That vulnerbility is a work in progress. Each time I wrote to Luke and he told me how much he appreciated me sharing my thoughts with him it brought us a step closer to the face to face conversations. So I don't think starting with writing is a bad thing. Building trust takes time and a lot of work. However you get to that point is useful. My hope is that the conversations will all be face to face at some point but sometimes writing is a good way to get that conversation started. It also helps me to diffuse some of the negative energy so that the conversation is more productive.

    Great post Ami, thanks Clara

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    1. To tell you the truth I wouldn't have said "Obey" if I hadn't had my arm up my back! I wanted to be like the Princess Royal and miss it out completely! I also dislike the word "submit" and much prefer the word "co-operate". After all, we are a democratic duo, not a power-mad dictatorship. Strangely I have never seen obeying Dan's wishes as being anything unusual, but then, he never expects me to do anything stupid, and most of the time if something becomes a big deal, we discuss it, and then he has the final choice.

      I tried writing to Dan when we started, and it was just hopeless. He's not that sort of man. I have also tried texting, which went tits up as well! He NEVER reads for pleasure, except for maybe a chapter or two of a Dick Francis novel whilst on holiday - and he's been reading the same book for about three years now! No, I have to summon up my courage and physically talk to him. And that is almost my Waterloo. I practise a conversation in my head, and then get so tongue-tied I can't remember what I had intended to say! Hopefully after another ten years or so talking will get easier.....

      Thanks for your comments, Clara!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  6. I honestly don't remember what I said in our vows. As to obeying him til now,
    : ) most of the time.
    It is all about communication, all aspects of communication, really listening as much as talking.
    Love the bridges.
    Blue Bird

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    1. You are so right, Bluebird, we MUST listen as much, if not more, than we talk. But that can be difficult too. I am always being told to "just shut up and listen for a change". My mouth develops a mind of its own far too often.

      Glad you liked the bridges - we have several very similar near to where we live!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  7. You know what Barney would say about the food and the laundry and all of that? " That is nice, but you choose to do those things. They are submissive acts but not acts of submission". Grrr....but in both of our cases, you and I , it is true isn't it?

    Obey, no I didn't say it. It wasn't offered. I don't think I would have at the time nor do I think I would now. Let me explain. I made a promise to my husband and God with my vows. TTWD in our house does not involve God. I can't 'up the anty' by promising to God to obey my husband. Nor should I need to ( in my humble opinion).

    As for the lump in the throat, the size varies, and the amount of times it shows up lessens. I suppose until you reach yet another stupid level! LOL. Then you have to relearn everything all over again.
    Well no one can accuse ttwd as being stagnant !
    love
    willie

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    1. As usual I need lots of space for my answers, sigh! LOL!

      Believe me, (you tell that Barney of yours! lol!) I do not CHOOSE to do all the mundane household tasks that appear to be done by magic by the end of the day. We long ago decided to sort out "who does what" and I decided I didn't want lawns, cars, septic tanks or dealing with financial issues. And I NEVER iron his trousers because I always get parallel lines...LOL! Sometimes when I make him a mug of tea and hand it to him nicely instead of pouring it all over his head - it is a VERY REAL act of submission! Grrrr!

      With our marriage vows we said them "before God and the congregation" not "to God" so I was speaking just to Dan, and he to me. See comment above to Jan re the Vicar! I would punch him if ever I saw him again! I think one of the nicest weddings we ever went to was a Humanist Wedding. They were married outside in the gardens of a stately home and wrote their own vows. Because such marriages are not legal, they had to then rush off to the local Registry Office and do it again, but they did that just with a couple of witnesses. I looked up the word "Obey" in the Chambers Dictionary and it means to submit - and I don't like that word either, as you know. And frankly at the moment, Willie, between you, me and the bedpost, Dan and I have left Starsong land and are back in Groundhog land again. Just don't ask! He is being Grumpy the Bear at the moment and I am preparing to move to Canada! Or the US! Or in fact, somewhere with hot golden sands and palm trees!

      You see, I have a theory about these lumps in the throat. If you are face down, or head down, you can't have a lump as it falls out! Try it with a sweet and see! Especially when the first spank falls! So maybe that is the answer, for me at least.

      I think there are probably Intermediate, Advanced and Extra Advanced. But we are probably at "Indeterminate" if I am being honest! LOL!

      Definitely not stagnant!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  8. I didn't say obey in church, but I did once in our hotel room later. I didn't live up to it though.
    I am trying now, but to be honest, I keep falling, I can do it with the easy things, but the things he asks of me that I don't actually want to do....!
    Another reason for slowing down when you see that sign is that you can't always see over the hump and its never good when you meet another car going at speed in the opposite direction to you. This sounds a lot like how we were - head on crashes, not so much now!

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    1. Your second paragraph could be written for me. It's just that Dan rarely thinks of anything to ask me that I would mind doing. I am a very easy-going little Ami! Ha!

      Dead right about not being able to see over the hump - they have signs "Blind Summit Ahead" just to warn you, don't they? The other thing that occurs to me is that I have on the odd occasion "grounded" the car I have been driving on one of these bridges!

      My favourite car for going over hump-backed bridges at speed (when I was much younger, I hasten to add) was my Mini Cooper. It just used to fly through the air! Oh those were the days.....

      Head on crashes? No, not so much for us. Just long brawling sessions really, or swords drawn at dawn! LOL! And TTWD has caused more of these than I can ever remember, because we now have an honesty between us that we didn't have previously.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  9. I got married at the height of women's lib in a civil ceremony. I don't remember if obey was part of it, but I don't think so. Do I obey? We don't have the sort of relationship where my husband 'tells' me to do things. He doesn't want me to swim when I'm home alone so I don't. Is that obeying him? I guess it is. I understand the danger in swimming alone so it's not something I'd do anyway. Though I would see nothing wrong with going in the pool and bouncing around doing water aerobics. But I don't because I don't want to upset him. Other than things like that, we just don't have much to obey about. I have my responsibilities and he has his.
    Which I like very much because the whole 'obey' thing just doesn't work for me. Yeah, I know, I'm not overly submissive.

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    1. Hey Holla! I remember women's lib well! I was one of those who burned her bras! Well actually I put them away at the back of a drawer because they were too nice to burn, but I let it all hang out for a while! LOL! And I have to say that Dan more often than not "asks" me to do things, he doesn't order me to do them. That would definitely result in swords at dawn!

      You are very lucky having a pool, and more than that, the weather to go with it! I personally see no danger in swimming alone and have often got up early whilst on holiday and gone for a swim and walk along the sea shore. It's good thinking time, and I love finding seashells and sea glass. (Sorry, I digress.)

      If your husband has asked you not to swim alone, then I presume he has a very good reason for that. So, fair enough.

      Believe me, the whole 'obey' 'submit' whatever, thing is like scaling the north face of the Eiger for me! Hence, "co-operation".

      Thank you so much for your comments.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  10. Ami,
    I love a good analogy! Jack and I did not hve the word obey in our vows. If we were to renew those vows, I know that word would take center stage. I am becoming a very submissive wife. Great post!
    Meredith

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    1. Really Meredith!!!!! Wow!!! I hope all these others are reading what you just said! I'm crap at all things submissive. I still have control issues. But having said that, I am better than I used to be. Part of being submissive intrigues me, and part of it makes me shudder. So I guess the jury's out for the time being.

      Thank you very much for your comments.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  11. Hi Ami, :) Great post!!! We did not say the word "obey" in our wedding vows. Didn't fit with the times I guess. "Cherish" was the word. And we are there with that. To do again, I would definitely say "obey". I actually am pretty good at doing that these days. I get into trouble for more not listening/zoning out, and for attitude at times. The big picture- we are happier than ever, even with some stressors at the moment. If we ever get to renew the vows on a 50th, I'd add that word right on back! Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

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    1. Hi Katie, and thank you. You see, I have problems with the wife saying "cherish" as to cherish means to love and protect, and I prefer that Dan be the one to protect me. The love bit is said by both anyway.

      See my comment somewhere above re not listening. Hopeless! Dan says I get a glazed look and he gets very fed up with me at times. As you know, my attitude gets me in trouble more than any other thing! LOL!

      When "old grumpy the bear" gets over his grumps then perhaps things will improve. But see my comment above to Willie - I am about to leave these shores it he doesn't improve! Golly, as Cat once said, if men had to give birth, the human race would've died out years ago! One little procedure and he has done nothing but whinge about it ever since!

      I think that if we ever renew our vows I would remove "obey" and stamp on it! (Only joking!) Not sure it has ever been very helpful though. Glad you are doing okay!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  12. Hmmmm....nope no obey, cherish. Still not sure why they said man and wife for a period of time. Why not man and woman. Now they say husband and wife. Just random thoughts.
    I am somewhat traditional in taking care of my Scotsman, ( as is he to me) but I am not sure I am submissive....Okay stop laughing...I am not. However I do think we both try and respect each other...However throw surgery into the mix and all Hades breaks loose., and all bets are off. He is sitting here laughing his head off at me!!

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    1. Oh Cat, you are another. Cherish means to protect which is the man's job, not ours. We can but nuture. If they still choose to moan and groan and behave like grumpy bears, then that is up to them! LOL!

      You my darling Cat, are most certainly not the submissive sort! LOL! To try to respect each other is perhaps the most important, and to be honest with each other. Yep, I bet he most certainly is sitting laughing his head off!

      Hugs
      Ami

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    2. Sorry - meant Minelle. See comment below.

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  13. Hey Ami...I said 'cherish' rather than obey and if Matthew and I had been able to marry, it still would have been cherish rather than obey.

    To me, and to Matthew, TTWD is partnership where we chose which partner is going to lead the relationship...this does not mean I was going to blindly obey...there was respectful conversation where he listened to my POV and I listened to his...the final decision was his and I agreed to accept that.

    Does that make sense?

    You two will be fine! Sending lots of positive energy your way!

    Hugs and Blessing...
    Cat

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    1. Sorry Sweeties - I have completely ballsed up my comments because you were both saying similar things. So you can read each other's comments and they apply to both of you, I am sure. I meant, of course, Minelle not Cat in my above comment. Sorry. But Cat, both you and Minelle surely would prefer to be protected by your man than protect him! Not that you can't of course, but you know, I always did like the knight in shining armour image! I've needed it at times too!

      That we agree to let them have that extra little 1% is quite submissive in itself I suppose. Unfortunately Dan always maintains that he is right - until all hell breaks loose, and then he simply says he was mistaken! (Can you feel how sassy I am in the face of "Grumps the Bear?!")

      Thank you for your positive energy - we need it over here!!!)

      Hugs
      Ami

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  14. Hey Ami, this is a great post and I love the analogy! Love your references to elementary and intermediate level ttwd :) Open and honest communication is so vital, yet can be so difficult.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz, and thanks!

      Yeah. But read my replies to Willie's comments. We are now in the middle of yet more difficult NON COMMUNICATION. These bouts seem to be happening on a more regular basis than ever before.

      Life gets tedious, don't it?! LOL! LOL!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  15. Hi Ami, hope you don't mind me piping in among all the "girls" comments!

    Nina and I were married in the Methodist church and quite honestly, at the time we were more interested in being married than the actual marriage ceremony.

    We got married one year to the day after we met and didn't announce our engagement to anyone until six weeks before the wedding! To us that seemed like a long time! We had friends do photos, cakes, receptions, and sing, so it really was like a big family affair. Nina took my breath away when she walked down the aisle and was having a grand time. I on the other hand was nervous as a cat!

    Well to answer your question, she did not say obey. After the traditional "sickness and health and until death due us part, we concluded with "I plight thee my troth" which roughly means, I will be true to you forever.

    After having attended a bunch of weddings over the years we both still agree that ours was our favorite.

    Neither of us wanted to use "obey" and if the minister suggested it we would have said no. Maybe he did and we did, I really don't recall. Probably should ask Nina, she still remembers it all as if it was yesterday!

    Sorry to hear that you and Dan are temporarily out of Starland, but I think it has to do with the alignment of the planets! Lately Nina and I have been having a few of those non communicative tedious moments too. I miss the dawning of Aquarius when Jupiter aligned with Mars!

    Oh well as with all things, this too shall come to pass! Until then, my advice is remember to smile, it makes people think you are up to something!

    Blessings and Hugs,
    George

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    1. Oh George you are so welcome. I wish more men would comment! Hint, hint!!!

      What wonderful memories you have of your own wedding! I suppose we all think of our own weddings are being the best. I know I am very glad to think back on ours.

      We also did the "plight thee my troth" line and I just love it!

      Did you ever get to see the musical "Hair"? I wanted to but my dad thought it wasn't quite "nice"! Haha! Yet there I was with flowers and cowbells.....

      Yes, smiling is always good. We should all smile and hug much more than we do!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  16. I really like this post, Ami. J and I did not use the word 'obey' in our vows. That word started coming up after we started doing TTWD. At first, it was a tough pill to swallow for me. We had many a conversation (and still do, at times) about it and what it means to him, me, and both of us. While J never stomped his foot and 'demanded' I obey him, he began to make it known that it is what he wanted -- what he expects. He gives me so much....he often tells me that he loves protecting me. That melts my heart. Although I can't say I don't still have my struggles with it at times, it is much easier now. I equate the word "obedience" with "submission". Not blind obedience, as someone mentioned above, because we will always talk things through when we need to, and he always takes my thoughts and opinions into consideration, sometimes even changing his mind because of something I said that he hadn't realized.

    I'm sure things will get better for you and Dan as long as you keep plugging along at it. Have you considered showing him this post?

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    1. Hi Sweetie, glad you found your way to my blog!

      It seems to me you are doing the right thing discussing/talking things through before a decision is made. After all, marriage is a partnership, and your husband should be your best friend as well as your partner. It's just that my 'best friend' is going through a fit of the grumps at the moment. He'll come out of it. In fact he's already found an extremely good way of relieving not only his grumpiness, but mine as well! (Even when it's only him who is grumpy!) Sigh. Such is life!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  17. For our wedding we did not choose to use the words "obey" in our vows as it did not seem to be a part of our dynamic at that time. Our relationship has always been one of mutual respect and love. However, I certainly lean into to him as leader in some respects while he might depend on me for others. So obeyinging as in listening and communication and sharing and then letting one person make the final decision we certainly do. We created our own vows for each other of our love. A very thoughtful post. Thank-you for sharing all your heart on this... :-) Hugs

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