There are so many ways to communicate, but only one way to talk. Talking involves looking into someone's eyes, and sharing information aloud.
And it is sometimes very hard to do.
I want to say things, but I tend to clam up, and I get very emotional. Which doesn't help anyone.
There was a time when I was very much 'in command' at all times.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going could have been written for me. Many is the time when I have sallied forth like a galleon in full sail. I would sweep everyone and everything out of my way in my determination to achieve an objective.
I can even remember literally elbowing Dan out of the way once. (It didn't go down very well and we ended up having an enormous argument.) Thankfully that is at least twenty years in the past if not more. But that is how in control I used to be. With Dan away so much, it was often a case of having to be.
Now, we seem to have gone to the other extreme. In trying to stand back, I have placed the decision-making process so firmly on Dan's shoulders that when he needs to discuss something, I find it overwhelming and very often end up dissolving into tears. For no real reason except I seem to have got out of the habit of making any decisions at all.
So, what to do short of drinking lots of strong coffee on a regular basis, or strong gin and tonics, or a combination of the two?
The answer is that I had to pull myself together, gird my loins, and talk about how I was feeling.
With that in mind I got up early, or reasonably so. We don't do 'early' very much any more. Or late. (Well, I don't at least.)
I brought our tea and coffee back to bed and decided I had to engage Dan in conversation, and instead of the usual discussion about builders, plumbers, the size of the proposed garden shed, the ordering of a second brown bin for garden waste, more lighting in the kitchen, why the steering in my car didn't feel right..... I talked to him about us.
I sat up in bed drinking my coffee, and I didn't turn on the waterworks. It was hard, and I got a lump in my throat and welled up a bit, but I stayed on course.
Like many other couples, life gets in the way for us, sometimes. More than sometimes. I was feeling neglected by Dan. He seemed to have time for everyone and everything else, but me.
He was coming to bed later and later, usually falling asleep in his armchair with the TV talking to itself. He would start to snore immediately his head touched the pillow and would rarely give my bottom its usual loving caress. There were no kisses or loving gestures during the day, let alone at night. Spanking seemed to have disappeared whence it came, and sex was but a distant memory.
It was affecting me so much that I would go to bed dog tired, then wake up around two in the morning and lie there tossing and turning until around five, when I would drop into a deep sleep and then wake up a couple of hours later feeling like I had been slammed into by a runaway train.
So talking to him about us could not be put off for a minute longer.
I did my best to explain my feelings. I needed him to know that I wasn't resentful, just left out and lonely. I wanted very badly to get back to walking the same road instead of travelling along two different routes.
I can't remember exactly what I said to him, or what he said to me, but I do know that I explained my feelings as best I could. And I listened to what he had to say in reply. Typical Dan, he hadn't even noticed how disconnected we were becoming from each other. He simply hadn't thought about it.
But realisation dawned, and he pulled me into his chest for a long hug. His voice was quite shaky as he whispered how much he loved me.
I told him that I know only too well that I am not at all perfect, and that I need keeping in line. I said that I thought we were long past me having to ask for a de-stress or reinforcement spanking, and that I thought he was letting things slide.
I asked him if spanking bothered him; if he was tired of it all; if he truly wanted to go back to how we had been before.
Did he want me ruling the roost and laying down the law? Talking over him? Just going ahead and making decisions without asking his opinion? Did he want to return to us living perfectly amicably, but as two strangers under the same roof?
Dan was quite horrified. He hadn't realised that in just two weeks my mind could go on a spree of misconceptions. I don't think he understood just how needy a dd/ttwd wife can be, and that we need constant reining in and reassurance. The odd pat on the head just doesn't cut it any more.
"You know," I told him, "you don't even swat my behind in passing these days. I used to really enjoy it. After all, there are only the two of us living here. Spanking doesn't have to be consigned to mornings or evenings. Neither do other things."
"Ah, but I like my comforts, Ami" he replied. "Go get the paddle."
This all took place some weeks ago. We are the better for it. The talking worked. Real talking. Not just the type where you assume your other half understands what you are on about. I found it quite painful to have this type of conversation, yet it was just what was needed.
I have been spanked countless times since that talk. They have all been different types of spankings, and with different implements. Some have been positively scrummy, and others not. Some have taken me completely by surprise, particularly in their intensity. We have even gone back to the occasional spanking over the footboard of the bed, instead of always over the knee, which I can assure all who are reading, is not to be recommended as it forces you forward on to your toes, and stretches the skin.
He's even begun to call our impromptu spankings "top-ups"!
Some of these spankings have made me laugh, and some have made me cry. They have all been good for me. They have been good for Dan too! (I prefer the leather paddle and he prefers the big nipper. LOL!)
I learned a lot from our talk. Mainly that I won't let things slide for two weeks, ever again. It's not as if I am trying to talk with a stranger. It's Dan I'm talking with.
Although I do know that we never want the stress of moving house ever again, something positive has come out of the process. We like our ttwd life. We may have our hiccups along the road, but we are never going back.