Friday 26 April 2013

A Question of Tolerance!





This is on the side of my message pad that sits on my desk!  It got me thinking.  Then I remembered a topic that our dear Roz (at Roz in His Hands) talked about a while back.  It all had to do with TOLERANCE.  So I wanted to explore it further.

When we first think about tolerance our minds immediately go to pain thresholds, and how some people are more sensitive to pain than others.  Just look at childbirth as an example.  In my case I am terrified of going to the dentist.  This dates back from the horrendously painful removal of an impacted wisdom tooth when I was twenty one, that broke my jaw and resulted in months of remedial care.  When something happens in your life associated with pain, it can have a lasting impact on your reaction to other painful episodes.

But first, I'd like to look at tolerance in a wider sense.

What I want to know is "Just how tolerant are we towards each other?"




If you take the time to think about it, it can be very scary.  (I'm just going to refer to "he" as it takes too long to type he/she all the time.)

What is there about your other half that irritates and annoys you?  Does he leave the lid off the toothpaste and pubic hairs all over the shower tray?  Does he snore or (giving away a secret here) lie on his back making 'popping noises' as he breathes?  Does he leave dirty dishes on the work surface immediately above the dishwasher and never so much as put even a mug inside?  Does he leave every pair of shoes he wears under the coffee table and never thinks about returning them to his wardrobe/closet?  Does he leave his laundry all over his half of the bedroom/dressing room and expect you to pick it all up and convey it downstairs to be washed?  Does he expect you to be on time (to the minute) when going out somewhere, only to go back about forty times for his glasses/mobile phone/tickets/map/money-off vouchers, etc etc?  

See what I mean?  These are just a few of the little trials and tribulations I have had to contend with over the last 35 years.  I am used to them.  I rarely complain.  (Well, okay I do sometimes!)  But on the whole, I love him for better and for worse, right?!  

But now you have embarked on a new dynamic.  After years of nagging/arguing/disagreeing/throwing your weight around, you have returned him to his rightful place in the family - at the top of the pecking order.  Not only have you agreed to show your man some respect at long last, but you are going to have to be more tolerant of his behaviour.

BUT, is he tolerant of all the little things you do to irritate him?  And is he going to continue to be tolerant?

HA!!!

This is where it can all go tits up!

He has long been waiting for an opportunity to safely address your shortcomings.  And, oh boy, is he going to enjoy himself or what?!!!




Suddenly the fact that my mobile, more often than not, gets left on the kitchen counter next to the Tasimo machine, is a major crime!  Heaven only help me if I ever got a puncture and didn't have the blessed thing with me!  Starman and number one son only bought it for me in the first place because I got a puncture on a motorway that runs not far from where we live, and I walked to get help, with huge juggernauts speeding past me!  It took a year for the dust to settle on that one, believe me!




Suddenly if I leave lights on in rooms we are not using, or if I leave my computer on all night or during the daytime when at work, these have become major crimes that have to be addressed!  Never mind if he has inadvertently left a space heater on all night out in his office - that is not in question.  But a low wattage light bulb, left on when it should have been turned off, is an irritation that he is no longer willing to be tolerant towards, and must be addressed to ensure the irritating pattern is broken!

See where I'm going with this?  

His lack of tolerance can be tied directly in with what then becomes 'my lack of tolerance'!

At present, having discovered the power-shift in our household is at last having an effect, I find myself having to bite my bottom lip in order not to make disparaging remarks that will ultimately lead to my tolerance levels being severely tested.  It may be an exciting time for a new HOH, but it is a very trying time for his wife's bottom!




Until we have made it through the first year, I shall continue to regard us as "Newbies".  After all, a year ago I had never heard of 'spanking' in a relationship (I kid you not!), so it is an enormous journey of self-discovery; one that my poor, sweet, gentle and caring husband has been dragged coerced into taking with me.  Not only that, but I now expect him to lead the way!  Some of you have been doing this with differing amounts of success for years.  Thank goodness.  Because without you many of us would be drifting far from shore by now!

But this means that for some of us, like me for example, tolerance is a challenge.  You could even say a force to be reckoned with.

We started TTWD with purely erotic spankings.  I have to be honest - they are still our favourite type.  They are always as a precursor to sex and we rarely get further than ten minutes or so, because our need for each other takes over in a big way.  Sometimes Starman just uses his hand for these.  I just adore good girl spankings particularly because of the intimacy between us, and the fact that they make us feel like giggly teenagers making out in the back seat of the car!


  

Our weekly maintenance/reaffirmation spankings depend on what has been going on during the week, and what may be on the horizon in the week ahead.  Sometimes they are short, and sometimes can go for up to half an hour.  But usually they are a time for us to talk - mostly Starman talks and I listen, but he is beginning to expect me to reply to some of his questions, and will 'repeat' spank if I don't.  He is still not too good at warm-ups and says it's because it stings his hand.  (Grrrr, what about my bottom?!)  So he usually uses our leather paddle to warm me up.  I've noticed that the swings are getting more forceful, but I am increasingly able to handle them.




The spankings I get for stress relief can be short if we only have a few minutes to squeeze one in, but they are wonderful because they 'really hit the spot'!  They are usually intense and can bring me to tears almost immediately.  I don't get a warm up unless we have plenty of time.  This is mostly when the HH comes into play.  You can see the size - it's like a small paddle!  I hate it but it rarely leaves a mark unless Starman hammers at the same spot again and again (which he can be known to do!).  Heaven knows why in my innocence I went out and bought the largest hairbrush in the shop! After all, what did I think it was going to be used for?!




If I have caused Starman to put his biggest, tallest HOH hat on, I have learned to expect a much harder spanking.  Occasionally I'll have to wait several days for this to take place, which isn't too good.  The anticipation either stresses me out, or I send it to the back of my mind and ignore it.  Our little wooden spatula is nothing to look at, but fills my soul with ice just thinking about it.  It is vile, bruises, and due to the way he now snaps his wrist, can leave not only a lasting impression, but makes the spanked area itch like the blazes all day long. You can laugh, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone's bum! 




Similarly he now employs a thick wooden (polished walnut) salad server that hurts a hundred times more than any wooden spoon in our kitchen, especially when administered to the sit-spots!  





We have a variety of wooden spoons of the ordinary, mixing variety.  They are stingy, but after the salad server, don't pack the same punch!





We also have a bright purple silicon spoon I also avoid like the plague, and a bright pink silicon spatula.  Fortunately the connection between my imitation of an eel, and the items pictured below, haven't yet registered on Starman's "I think we'll try this one again today..." list.




We've only tried a belt once.  Starman isn't happy about using one.  I found out, relatively recently, that he was hit with one as a child, and he has never forgiven or forgotten.  After the 'wood' it didn't feel particularly threatening, but then, Starman couldn't, or wouldn't, try to get the hang of it.  He ended up telling me to put it back into the drawer from whence it came.  Every suggestion to try it since then has met with fierce opposition, and TTWD is consensual after all.




And don't even mention a plastic coat-hanger to me!  It may be silent, but it is deadly, and so far it is the only item that has me shooting to my feet and rubbing furiously!  I am in awe of anyone who can cope with feeling the fiery semi-triangle this lays across their bum!  And I am definitely NOT quiet, so it rather defeats the object!





Finally, this little sweetie is great fun to play with!  On the other hand, it IS a whippy little switch, and it can sting as much as you want it to!





Starman ALWAYS requests me to choose an implement.  I tried bringing him a 'lesser' weapon once, and the spanking ended up much harder and longer, so now I hold one up and wait for his agreement before bringing it to him.  We mostly use a different implement for each and every spanking, so that I don't get used to the same one and become able to detach myself from the pain of it.  He sometimes uses two or three implements in a session for the same reason.

Looking at the implements some of you incorporate into your dynamic, the length of time you get spanked for, the different positions you employ, I am more than impressed.  Whilst much of our kitchen has emigrated into the bedroom, Starman usually picks out the same implements time and time again.




We have a carpet beater just like the one in the picture - happily it stays hanging on the kitchen wall where it belongs when it's not beating rugs!

Positions

We have not been very adventurous as yet.  Starman's preferred position is to sit propped up by the headboard and I have to lie over his lap.  He holds me in place with his left hand.  It's a great position for studying the floorboards on the other side of the bed, and I can use the duvet to muffle my squawks.  I need to be careful about kicking because he has, on occasion, spanked my foot, which is very painful.  I try not to kick, but it depends on the force, the speed and where the spanks land.  He has had to put his right leg over both of mine to keep me in position and stop me crawling forwards and off on to the floor.

Over the knee, my upper body on the bed, grimly holding on to a pillow or duvet - only used for discipline.  I suspect the next step on from this will be right over his knees with my palms on the floor, but we haven't built up to this yet, and I'm certainly not going to encourage it - but it has been mentioned.

On my hands and knees on the bed, resting on my arms/elbows - a highly sexual position, only used so far for GG spankings, with incredible results!  I'm saying no more!  It stretches the skin over the buttocks and makes me feel incredibly vulnerable.  Everything hurts used in this position, and Starman has a tendency to swing more!

We tried, just once, over the footboard of our bed, but I thought my ribs were going to break.  If I leaned further over, it hurt my stomach too much.  So not successful.

Tolerance and Emotion

I honestly believe I can take far more of everything during a GG/erotic spanking.  Longer, harder - just more!  Starman will rub my bottom quite often between spanks.  He will talk and joke.  I can happily enjoy these spankings for up to half an hour as he builds in intensity very gradually, alternating between flurries and hard spanks that have several seconds between them.  The fine line between pleasure and pain simply disappears.  I find myself pushing up to meet the spanks, openly inviting more.  Every fibre of my body becomes super sensitive.  These spankings are truly amazing and addictive.



I mostly look forward to my maintenance/reaffirmation spankings, except that I never know how much, if any, discipline is going to be tacked on to the end. They are spankings for a reason, and are sometimes hard to endure.  A week ago, for the first time ever, I yelled at Starman to stop.  I just couldn't bear another spank.  He didn't.  I received another ten or so before he told me I could get up.  I don't always cry during these spankings, but I have to admit to my eyes being wet more often than not.  I've noticed that my tolerance levels vary according to what he wants to discuss as well as the implement(s) used.

Here's another thing.  I am not allowed to get up until I am given permission to do so.  This wasn't the case when we first started.  But now, regardless of what type of spanking I am getting, I have to wait.  If I am crying hard, this is a good thing, because it gives me time to calm down.  I've only ever felt angry and resentful of my spanking once, and I just had to lie and fester.  In fact he started over again to drive the point home.  




If we are having an erotic spanking session I still have to lie there, but usually this is for other reasons!  The time this is hardest, is after a discipline spanking, because I need to be cuddled and reassured as soon as possible.

So far I have received only a few 'stand alone' discipline spankings.  Once, over his knee, I nearly kicked his teeth out, and thereafter had my legs immobilised for safety reasons.  There is never a warm up, and I am reduced to sobs almost immediately.  I hate the fact that I have returned to my old ways, that I have upset and disappointed Starman in some way.  Initially when we started spanking he hated to see me cry.  Now it is a part of the healing process.  




The pain and the emotions are inseparable in this type of spanking. Every nerve ending is on high alert.  Starman's intention is to achieve a result, and my tolerance seems very low.  I never thought I'd say it, but I feel, deeply inside, like a little girl who is being taken to task!  It's not a nice feeling.


I would like to thank Roz very much for agreeing to do this dual post with me.  so could I ask you to go there?  She is writing hers not only from a more experienced perspective, but naturally she and Rick have a different approach, and incorporate rather more into their dynamic.  


I did try to insert her blog link here - but as usual a window opened, asked me to choose from several options, and I was too nervous to press anything!  Such is life!  Remember, Roz is at Roz in His Hands.  Keep checking for her post.  She is going to post tomorrow, but with the time differences we are asking everyone to just keep their eyes peeled!









32 comments:

  1. Great post Ami

    it was a very interesting post all the differentnt types of spankings and your emotions to each one.
    I thought I had alot implements but I can see I am lacking accordinging to what you have LOL
    I should show Bobbie the pictures of yweaponspons of assdestuction she would surly run for the hills on some of them. :)

    Bob

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    1. Ha Ha Ha Bob!

      The snag is that Starman is a man of habit - and he loves to use the same one again and again. It is very difficult persuading him otherwise, without trying to exert any form of control. It takes all my powers of suggestion sometimes I can tell you.

      Good grief - don't you go scaring Bobbie to death! I don't want to go searching those hills till midnight!

      Hugs

      Ami

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  2. Omg Ami, you are so brave to write this post and put yourself out there. I don't fancy those silicon things and that hairbrush was exactly the one we had that broke. Starman will be buying a paddle like ours next, just you wait. It is unfair that you have to tolerate some of his foibles and then you are picked up on every little thing. However that is what we signed up for I suppose .I have just read this post to hubby , he listened intently so I am now wondering if you have given him any ideas. Just this week he tried the same position as Starman , propped up against the headboard. l felt very indignant and a bit vulnerable when he pinned my legs.
    I think in this house we are fairly tolerant of each other and always have been but maybe, no, definitely, we are more aware of each other and caring. We make an effort now to appreciate each other . I guess that means that this lifestyle is working ,
    I am looking forward to reading Roz's post now.
    love Jan.xx

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    1. And you are brave to cope with that great big paddle of yours, even if it does have a nice blue ribbon on the handle! All I can say is that your hubby must use a lot of strength to break that old hairbrush! Which leads me to think your butt can cope with a whole lot more than mine can! Don't you be blaming me for giving him ideas.....

      I don't care to have my legs pinned much, similarly. But it's either that or kick Starman's teeth out! And yes, it does make you feel vulnerable - like there's no escape!

      Nah - we are used to each other's foibles after all these years. But I wanted to put across the fact that the scale is somewhat weighted in our HOH's favour and we just have to get on with it.

      I think it's fair to say that this 'lifestyle' is working quite well these days!

      Hugs

      Ami

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  3. Loved this post ami!!! Made me think but it gave me great suggestions. Thank you!

    As for the link to roz....just to make it easier on yourself, go to her blog and copy the link. (Highlight the web address and hit CTRL plus the C key for copy. Then come back to your post and click CTRL plus the V key to paste. The link will be pasted in your blog. By the way, in case you're wondering, CTRL P is for print, WEIRD I know. Lol let me know if you need help.

    M.

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    1. Hi Maryanne! Nice to have you aboard!

      I have copied down your instructions and am sure they will come in useful. See, if people tell me what to do and how to do it, I'm okay. I didn't realise you could just Cut and Paste or I would have done it.

      Glad the post gave you some ideas!

      Hugs

      Ami

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  4. Hi Ami,

    Wow! This is fantastic, you did an awesome job! My post certainly won't look as pretty - not as many pictures :)

    It really is so interesting to read our different perspectives and to see the similarities and differences between us. As we know of course, no two people are the same and react the same and no two couples approach ttwd in the same way ... which of course was the whole point of doing dual posts.

    You have a very impressive arsenal .. um .. implement collection. I think Rick may be jealous LoL. The hairbrush certainly gave me the shivers!

    I totally relate to what you said about the spatula. It seems very similar to our wooden spoon and has the same affect on me, including the itch (I used to wonder if other's also suffered the itch afterwards!).

    Thank you so much for inviting me to also post on this subject. I enjoyed writing and it was also great for me to reflect on where we are at, how we approach things as well as my own reactions.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Your post is brilliant and informative! I just love importing images now I know how!

      Well at least we don't have a wooden paddle yet, and most certainly not a cane! Nasty horrid swishy things! Yuk! Although I did perchance receive a quick reminder with a garden cane as we walked round the garden a couple of days ago discussing some landscaping. I suppose it was just too much for Starman to resist! At least I hope that was the reason!

      If we are not careful we are going to have everyone discussing "itchy butts!"

      I enjoyed this dual posting as well Roz - maybe we ought to compare notes again in a year's time!

      Hugs

      Ami

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  5. This was an awesome post Ami! I can't wait for Roz's.

    We are going through the exact same thing over here, as far as he gets to address what irritates him, while I am chowing down on my bottom lip (or trying to).

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    1. Oh Betsy how lovely - I can just imagine us all madly biting our bottom lips! Just imagine what a good time Christian Grey would have with that!!!

      I'm very glad I am not the only one wobbling around in this maze of implements and irritations.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  6. I was going to tell you how to insert a link but I see Jan has already gave you the info.

    Great post. You have so many weapons in your arsenal Starman has definitely decided to wear the HOH hat. I have suggestion, don't know if it will work or if you even want to try but I was thinking about making a list of all of the little things he does that irritate you and all of things you do that irritate him. Maybe if he sees how tolerant you are of his foibles he might be a little more tolerant of yours.

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    1. Yes but Sunny, they are great toys too! You cannot possibly imagine (well, perhaps you can!) what a fun time we have with some of them!!! That hairbrush can be especially hilarious!

      Like I mentioned to Jan, we are very used to each other's little foibles after all these years. It's the bigger, hurtful foibles like me losing my temper, or me nagging him to death, that are the ones he homes in on, and rightly so. He never has been the sort of man to pick on every little thing, but I had to use some examples and he was happy for me to do so. Luckily we both snore, for example. Age and decrepitude I'm afraid.....

      Hugs

      Ami

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  7. I think it's awesome that you and Roz are doing duel posts :).
    The quantity of your implements is incredible. Lucky you. i am soooo not jealous.
    It was interesting to read about the different spankings you receive and your reactions to them. Really great post!

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    1. Hi Sarah, thanks for dropping by!

      I hadn't realised how many things there were in our drawer until I decided to 'come out' and photo them. Yet it's ALWAYS the same few that are used unless I can manage to suggest we have a change. My reactions are VERY DIFFERENT according to what is used! And if one hasn't been used for some time - oh dear!

      Thanks Sarah.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  8. Feather stuff is so much fun! I love rolling around in the sheets with Ian and a feather duster - sigh.....everything else looks quite lethal.
    Very nice post, Ami
    hugs
    lillie

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    1. Feather stuff certainly is! It's the other end where the little leather loop is that isn't so much fun! (LOL)

      Have you tried a peacock feather? And fluffy ostrich feathers are yummy as well! I like lolling round the sheets regardless! (Ahem!)

      Everything else is lethal when used in a lethal way. Therein lies the snag. Gulp!

      Hugs

      Ami

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  9. Thank you for the duel post with Roz. You've quite a collection of implements! Rather inspiring!
    DF

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    1. Hi DelFonte! Thanks for stopping by! Yes, this is quite a collection, and we didn't even have to go to any great expense either!

      I'm glad you felt inspired!

      Hugs

      Ami

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  10. Very interesting post Ami. I am one who always wants to know why, and I find it interesting that one type of material should be very different in its effects from another type, though apparently of similar hardness - e.g. why is the salad server worse than the wooden spoon? I think salad servers tend to be smoother than wooden spoons as a rule, perhaps that makes a difference. Certainly smooth plastic (e.g. delrin or lexan) seems to be universally dreaded. Rubber is worse, and smoother, than leather, too - usually.

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    1. Hi Malcolm, I'm honoured to have you drop by!

      Regards the wooden spoon and the salad server - the wooden spoon is thinner and lighter and you get more 'burn'. The salad server really lands down into the flesh of the bottom and you get more of an 'after ache' (a bit like ear-ache in the butt!). We do have an amazing variety of wooden spoons in our kitchen but some are very thick and quite deadly looking so I'm not too keen on trying them out yet, but I'm sure they would be good for the more experienced among you!

      The smooth silicon spoons and spatulas hurt a great deal. I don't take them very well at all - not more than five spanks or so and I've had enough! I don't know about delrin or lexan and I don't think we have anything 'rubber', but the silicon is sufficient unto the day at present. Silicon does have a rubbery feel to it though, and is much more slippery.

      I don't know much about leather re what I explained above, but I am beginning to know my different shaped wooden implements. We acquired a shorthandled bath brush a while ago, but it has yet to make an appearance thank goodness.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  11. Hi! I think this is my first time to your blog. Great post! I can relate to so much of it!

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    1. Hi Cole! Great to have you drop by!

      Thanks for your compliment and glad you can relate to it.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  12. So much here Ami. I like how you speak of tolerance, since that word means different things to all of us at certain times.
    It can be tolerance regarding those big issues, however more than likely, it is tolerance to the little ones that build up over time which challenge our tempers! Yet the more we analyze our response we recognize the futility of the anger on the unimportant.
    As to those implements my dear...Do not ever suggest I have a higher "tolerance" ahem..to certain items. You must have a 'firm' behind! Notice I didn't say 'tough butt?'

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    1. Anger is destructive and I believe we owe it to each other to tolerant to all the 'little' things. We learn during long marriages to be tolerant of most things that irritate us and to use communication to enable us to address other matters.

      My behind always used to be 'firm' from riding horses nearly every day - it has grown a little 'soft' over the years. I hope some of this spanking will 'firm' it up! (Laughing here....!)

      Hugs

      Ami

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  13. Very interesting to read both posts. Thank-you for sharing all your thoughts. :-)

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    1. Thanks Terps! I am getting braver at sharing my thoughts, because I realise what good, and friendly, advice I get each time I do.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  14. You have a lot of similarities to how we do things here. I am constantly amazed at all the little things he cares about that have always bugged him but he never told me! Now I can get myself swatted over them.

    Very nice post Ami.

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    1. I am VERY relieved to think we are similar to someone! I have as much 'self doubt' as the next person, and sometimes after reading various posts, I feel on the 'inadequate' side. I think a lot of it is that we are, each of us, in our own little bubble and can't just pop out round the corner to speak with a girlfriend. I am always so grateful for supportive comments here. Thank you Susie.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  15. Interesting post Ami. I'm still waiting for the time when I can cry and release the emotions during a spanking. A couple of times I have cried after a spanking, but I wish I could experience the release during a spanking. I also, oddly, wish my husband would let me know what things he would like to see changed. He lets me know when I'm being too hard on myself and he wants me to lighten up but he really never says anything when I know I'm being rude to him. It always seems so opposite of everyone else talks about. Guess I'll just have to hang on for the ride and see where we end up.

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    1. It will come Clara, there is no need to worry. One day something will trigger your emotions. To begin with Starman absolutely hated to think that he was making me cry and would immediately stop at the first sniff. I didn't know how to ask him to continue without taking over control. I had to force myself to leave it to him, and the day came when one moment I was giggling into a pillow, and the next moment I was sobbing - and he didn't notice for several minutes. Afterwards we discussed that I not only wanted the release of tears, but also needed it. Lillie wrote a brilliant post about 'crying during a spanking' once, and I read it out to Starman. At the time he wasn't impressed, but he listened and filed it away in his mind for future reference. I've noticed he does that with many things, and I've now become braver at reading various posts out to him.

      Sometimes he lets the odd comment, or rudeness go, but increasingly he notices, and addresses the matter. I will never be an angel, but I do hope that I eventually will cease being so 'snippy' and will learn more tolerance and hold in my temper.

      Your husband will start to let you know what things he would like to see an improvement in as he gains in confidence. Listen to him. I have found that one of the best answers, if I disagree with something Starman says, is to say "You may be right." It gives us both leeway for being wrong.

      As I said, until we have been at this a year I shall continue to regard us as Newbies. And then, I shall probably need another year, and then another. So long as we are both consensually enjoying the ride it doesn't matter.

      Hugs

      Ami

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  16. I enjoyed seeing this post from a relative newcomer compared to a seasoned DD'er. It was interesting to see the similarities. I enjoyed your honesty, and thank you for being so open in sharing your heart. You have a good man, and he has a good woman.

    (((hugs)))

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    1. Sometimes it is hard being honest, but I need comments from experienced people like you and Ward. There were times when I had serious doubts about what I had brought to my husband. Now I can see that he is regaining all the control and confidence we started out with all those years ago when we first married. We are still moving slowly and cautiously to build a firm foundation - there is so much to learn and discuss. We are finding out new things about ourselves and our interaction with each other all the time.

      Thank you June for your kind comments.

      Hugs

      Ami

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