It is one of those days! One of those weeks!
Do you have them? Oh well, if you do, then you know what I am talking about.
You get up out of bed, and it's apparent from the minute your feet hit the floor, that you got out the wrong side.
Dan is working away at the moment and having been awake since 4am for the last two mornings, and having stayed behind at school to write copious end of year progress reports and work out predicted grades for next year, I am feeling pretty much knackered.
Even the children at school have been giving me a wide berth. My year nines virtually walked on their eyebrows during their lesson this morning - so much so that I gave them all a 'merit'. (They could see I'd had a very fraught lesson with my year eights!)
I have three weeks left of my summer term before we break up for six weeks. Before I break up for ever! It can't come soon enough. The term is always filled with meetings before or after school, concert rehearsals, school trips, end of year exams, reports, assessments, sports day, open day - in fact you name it, and they cram it into the last half term!
It doesn't help that I am beginning to feel nervous that I have decided to retire. What if I have made a mistake? What if I get bored? What if I don't like being a 'kept woman' after all these years?
All I do these days is wake up in the middle of the night, Dan snoring peacefully by my side, and toss and turn and worry, worry, worry.
Dan and I are completely at odds with each other. He is a bit grumpy, and I am a lot grumpy!
We are soon going to be putting the barn on the market. I think that this is one of my main reasons for stress. The plan is to move back into the farmhouse, and then eventually sell that too - and down-house. After over thirty years here, I can't tell you how tough that is. But it is now all too much for us. We want to travel, and enjoy some 'us' time for a change.
Dan wants to move somewhere more convenient. Where we can actually walk to the pub for a start, or to the village shop. But most of the villages here don't have shops any more, due to the large out of town supermarkets and shopping centres, and several of the pubs seem to have closed around us recently due to increased brewery charges, lack of customers due to the drink drive laws, and meals which are far too expensive. (Our local pub was charging around £40 per person for a two course meal - without drinks! £17 for a hamburger! And we don't even live near London!)
But I like living in the middle of nowhere and I can't cope with the thought of close neighbours. We rent out our farmhouse at the moment and I hate the lack of privacy. I love being solitary. Grump. Grump. And naturally, Dan will be the deciding factor in all of this. Even before TTWD he was the final decision-maker. He has always been so good at 'reasonable discussion'! Now, of course, I get the raised eyebrow, or the 'look' or even a word of caution. Which at the moment I am choosing to ignore to the best of my ability!
Normally this is me. But not at the moment.
At the moment I am on the lookout to pick a fight with all and sundry. I simply can't help myself.
It's so stupid. I always seem to be able to give other people the benefit of my advice; to be able to tell them where they are going wrong; to explain to them how very good their husbands are and that they shouldn't snarl at them if sometimes things don't go their way. But when it's me - it's another story completely.
Go on test me! I'll bet I know all the answers!
I've been like this all week!
But now Dan has begun to look like this
He is always such a peaceful and reasonable sort of man. But I know he's not going to take much more of it. If I auditioned for the lead female role in the Taming of the Shrew at the moment, I would win hands down!
Whatever is making me like this is going to have to be stopped in its tracks. Unfortunately I can only think of one solution to the problem. I want to feel like this again.
But in order to feel like this I may have to summon some assistance.
If only it was as easy as this.
Alas, I'm pretty sure a completely different solution is on the cards, and I don't even have to go to a fortune teller to find out what that is.
I've happily asked for many a spanking - but not for the sort I know, in fact I have been assured, I am in for.
I just hope that it will work, and that it will sort me out and bring out my nicer side once more. I had forgotten just how destructive a mood like this can be.
The whole point is that I am most definitely not enjoying myself. I feel nasty, vindictive and horrible.
So Daniel is going to have to venture back into the lions' den once again, and rescue me.
Only I think he will be carrying something far more lethal than a (whatever it is in the picture above!).
I so want to get back to how I usually am!