Tuesday, 24 December 2013

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2013!


Well, I am ready!

All presents are bought and wrapped.  Meals for the next few days are planned and the turkey for tomorrow is reclining in the fridge.  The house is decorated, tree glowing, candles lit and mulled cider is sizzling.  

Dan even took the time, this morning, to ensure my bottom matches, in colour anyhow, the attire on the girl above!  He was not impressed with my rapidly escalating pre-Christmas stress levels, so he did his favourite "skin stretching" action to ensure every swat was to be remembered at least until midnight!  Bah!

So just a little giggly poem to put you in a smiley frame of mind...

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE THE MORNING AFTER!

by Dave Barry

With apologies to Clement C Moore and his attorney!

'Twas the night before Christmas,
Or Hannukkah or Kwanzaa, or whatever religious holiday your particular family unit celebrates at this time of year via mass retail purchases
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Except Dad, who was stirring his third martini
In a losing effort to remain in a holiday mood
As he attempted to assemble a toy for his 9 year old son, Bobby
It was a highly complex toy
A toy that Dad did not even begin to grasp the purpose of
A toy that cost more than Dad's first car
A toy that was advertised relentlessly on TV with a little statement in the corner of the TV screen that said
"SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED"
Which was like saying that the Titanic sustained "some water damage"
Because this toy had more parts than the Space Shuttle
And speaking of space
Dad was now convinced that extraterrestrial life did indeed exist
Because the assembly instructions were clearly written by beings from another galaxy
And these beings insisted on Phillips screwdrivers
And Dad could not find his Phillips screwdriver
In fact, he was wondering who "Phillips" was
And why he needed a different kind of screwdriver than anybody else
That was the festive holiday thought that Dad was thinking as he took a slug from his martini and attempted to attach Part 3047-b to Part 3047-c
Using a steak knife
But other than that, not a creature was stirring in the house
Although Mum was definitely stirring OUT of the house
Mum was at the Toys "R" Us store 
In fact, this was the fifth Toys "R" Us store that Mom had been to that night.
In her desperate quest to find the one thing that their 
5 year old daughter, Suzy, wanted this holiday season
It was, of course, a Barbie doll
But not just ANY Barbie doll!
It had to be the new model
Abdominals Barbie
The one who came with her own little pink stomach-muscle-exercise device
It was the hottest Barbie doll of all this holiday season
Every girl age 3 through 12 in the entire United States
HAD to have it!
Or her holiday season would be RUINED
And so of course the Mattel Corporation
Which is run by evil trolls from hell
Had manufactured exactly eight units of this doll
And the very last one in the world was in this particular Toys "R" Us
Which means that the odds were against Mum
Because on this same festive night
Thousands of other frantic parents had converged on this same store
Kind of like the flesh-eating zombies in the movie
Night of the Living Dead
Only less ethical
The store was a war zone
Mom had to fight her way into the doll aisle
Where, wielding a Tonka Truck like a club
She claimed her prize
And then, trailed by a screaming mob of rival parents
She raced from the store, leaped into her car and roared out of the parking lot
Barely missing the Salvation Army person
She raced back to the house, burst through the front door and staggered into the family room
Where she found Dad
Actually she found Dad's feet
The rest of Dad was under the sofa 
A strange gurgling sound was coming from down there
Dad, now on his fifth martini
Was trying to strangle the dog
Which, Dad was convinced, had eaten Part 8675-y
And just at that very moment
Out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
That Dad let go of the dog
And he and Mum went to the window to see what was the matter
And what to their wondering eyes should appear
But Santa Claus, yelling the names of reindeer
"Now Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Vixen! Now...
Umm...Now...Dancer!"
"He already said Dancer," observed Dad
"He can't remember them all," said Mom
"I think one of them is Pluto." said Dad
"Wasn't Pluto the guy who was always fighting with Popeye?" said Mom
"You're thinking of Bluto," said Dad
"Now...Umm...Now, Flicka!" said Santa
"Flicka was a horse, that I DO know," said Mom
"Do you think the reindeer are wrecking the lawn?" said Dad
"They're going up on the roof," said Mom
"Like hell they are," said Dad, who had recently spent $875 on shingle repair
But before he could yell at St Nicholas to stop
Down the chimney the jolly elf came with a plop
He had a broad face and a round little belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly
Which was pretty gross
"What's so funny?" asked Dad
"You two," said St Nick. "Why are you getting all upset about toys? The holiday season isn't about material possessions!"
"Do you have kids?" asked Mum
"Well, no," said Santa
"Hah!" said Mum
"But I am beloved by children the world over," said Santa
"Well," said Dad, "you won't be beloved by our son if I can't assemble this toy."
"What seems to be the problem?" said Santa, coming over to have a look
"I'm stuck on Step 824," said Dad
"Who wrote these instructions?" asked Santa "Martians?"
"Apparently," said Dad
"I used to be pretty good with tools," said Santa
"Hand me that steak knife."
"Sure," said Dad. "Care for a martini?"
"Heck yes," said Santa
And so he went to work
And after a while Mom and Dad, exhausted, went to bed
Leaving old St Nick in the family room
He said some pretty unsaintly words
But he eventually got Bobby's toy assembled
And although he spent so much time that he was unable to visit the rest of the little boys and girls in North America
Not to mention South America, Europe, Asia and Africa
This particular household had a very happy Christmas morning indeed
When Suzy came downstairs and saw Abdominals Barbie
And Bobby came downstairs and saw his incredibly complex toy
Which he broke in under four minutes
A new holiday record
But it was still a festive Day
Especially when Mom and Dad told the fantastic story of their late night visitor
Which, at first, the kids did not believe
In fact, even Mom and Dad were not 100 per cent sure it had happened
Until Dad got out the ladder
And one by one they climbed up to the roof
And there they saw it...
As real as life...
A Holiday Miracle...
                                           Reindeer Poop!


(And $1,087.36 worth of shingle damage!)


HAVE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! I'M OFF TO ICE THE CHRISTMAS CAKE AND MAKE SOME GOOD OLD FASHIONED ENGLISH EGG NOG!

(Oops!  Did I say English?  Yep!  I found out that it has its origins way back in Tudor England, where it was happily slurped before being taken overseas!) LOL!




26 comments:

  1. Merry Christmas. Poem brought a smile to our face. Just waiting for the kids to fall asleep so we can have santa visit :-)

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    1. The very best times of all! I miss them so much! I wish you the Merriest of Christmases together with all your family.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  2. Hi Ami, love the poem! Thanks for the giggle.

    It's Christmas morning here and I'm just popping into blogland briefly before the madness of the day ensues.

    Wishing you, Dan and family and very Merry Christmas!

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. Glad you enjoyed it, Roz! May I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas! Hope you have a great day!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  3. Merry Christmas to you across the pond. Barney is feverishly doing the work of two as my head is swimming up here in bed. Oh well...'tis the season!
    love
    willie

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    Replies
    1. Oh Willie, I didn't realise you were poorly, sick and bad! I do so hope you are feeling better soon. Any type of cold, 'flu, bronchitis or such like is horrid to have over Christmas. I hope all your menfolk look after you and bring you lots of sustaining liquid refreshments of whichever variety you feel like! I am now going to struggle with making some egg nog!

      Many Christmas hugs, Sweetie.

      Ami

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  4. lmbo very cute. Merry Christmas

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    1. Thanks, Coral! I would like to wish you a Very Merry Christmas and a lovely day!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  5. Merry Christmas Ami! Loved the poem so funny!
    love sara

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    1. Merry Christmas, Sara! I'm glad you enjoyed the poem! Have a great day!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  6. Love the poem - Dave Barry is a kick.

    Have a wonderful Christmas - you have much to celebrate this year. MERRY MERRY

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    1. I agree, Sunny! I hope you, Ray and all your family have a great Christmas!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  7. Very cute story Ami! English eggnog? Hmmm...think ya shoulda just made my recipe...that one I can guarantee is great. ;)

    Wishing you, Dan, your kiddos and grands and wonderful, joyful and very Merry Christmas!

    Hugs and Blessings...Cat

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    Replies
    1. Hi Cat! I am about to make your recipe right now! I don't trust the English one! LOL!

      I hope you, too, have a lovely Christmas and a really pleasant holiday!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  8. thanks for the smile :-) Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones. Hugs

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    1. A Very Happy Christmas, Terps! to both you and all your family! Have a great day!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  9. Hi Ami, Just whiling away the night time while I wait the remainder of the house to wake up. Just want to wish you all a lovely Christmas, Have fun today. I don't care where eggnog came from ,it's ghastly (it is that that yellow fluffy stuff, right?).Give me a martini and lemonade anyday, oh make that today actually.
    lots of love Jan.xx

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    Replies
    1. Hi Jan! Is it really ghastly? Oh good grief! I am just about to make it! LOL!

      I am so glad you are okay! When do you start work after Christmas? Let me know okay?

      Well, I don't care for Martini either if it is made from the bottle labelled Martini, but a splash of good dry vermouth in mostly gin is fine by me! But not lemonade! Yuck! LOL!

      At least I had plenty of Buck's Fizz this morning after church!

      Have a wonderful Christmas!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  10. Hope that you and Dan have had a wonderful Christmas, Ami!!! :) Christmas spanking??? Yaay for you both!!! I doubt that will occur here- the gangs all here, kids everywhere!!! :) Oh I guess one never knows- that Rob!! :)

    LOLOL on the poem and the reindeer poop!!! Oh those animals and their surprises!!! :D Many hugs and <3 to all the Starsongs!

    <3 Katie


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    1. LOL! Thanks Katie and I wish you and Rob a very Happy Christmas too! And lots of merrymaking!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  11. Ami,

    Hope you had a wonderful Christmas Day.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    Replies
    1. Ronnie,

      Still recovering! LOL!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  12. Oh Ami this is a riot! I bet at this moment in time you are like me....cashed and totally sleeping after it all!

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    1. Minelle,

      I think I need to sleep for the next five years! Thank goodness I have done my bit towards the catering this year! Good grief! If you want to have a laugh - I posted some pictures on Facebook - all blurred!!!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  13. I am late to the party, but hope that you had a great Merry Christmas. :)

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    1. Hi Es May, and thank you! We had a great Christmas and I hope you did too! Happy New Year to you!

      Hugs
      Ami

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