Saturday, 4 January 2014

The Art of Conversation

I don't make New Year Resolutions.  I stopped making them years ago because I always end up breaking them.

This is really meant to be a post about Being Lectured, and how it has led to another bend in this road of ours. But I warn you, once I start to think about things, they have a tendency to get complicated.

Like many others around here, I started my New Year with a well-earned spanking.

I thought I had done really well up until Christmas.

Dan pulled me over his lap Christmas Eve for a top-up spanking, which seems to work well for us, and reminded me of what he expected, mostly in terms of behaviour, but with one or two points regarding my safety and well-being thrown in - which is quite a new thing, and mostly involves going up high step-ladders, lifting heavy weights, and getting enough sleep.

We had had a large entertaining event the Sunday before Christmas, and I had worked extremely hard to ensure that there was a good selection of festive food, and that everyone's glasses were kept filled with either Mulled Cider or Mulled Apple Juice (I challenge anyone to tell the difference!) and that they had a good time.  By Christmas Eve that top-up spanking was like manna from heaven!  I floated around all day with a smug smile on my face and a wonderfully glowing bottom.

Christmas Day itself was quiet with just the four of us - Dan and I, and our son and his girl friend.  We all ate far too much!  We went for a long blustery walk around the water-logged meadows, arm in arm, and watched some silly, romantic movie in the evening, curled up on the sofa in front of a blazing log fire.

Boxing Day there were ten of us around the dining table.  It was a delight to play with my nearly-six year old grandson, and listen to my grandbaby babble away as he tried to watch us.  The wind was howling outside, and the rain pouring down, but we had a lovely family day.

In between then, and New Year, we were busy.  There were people coming and going all the time.  I was rushing around with three friends getting organised for our annual, joint New Year's Eve dinner celebration, and we fell straight asleep the minute we got to bed and rose early to yet another day galloping around.

I think that's where the rot set in. 

Dan said that had the opportunity presented itself, he would have taken me to one side and sorted me out there and then.  But there just wasn't an appropriate opportunity.

He said he could see his happy compliant wife disappear in front of his eyes, and witness bitch/troll claw her way out of the pit and go on the rampage, but felt powerless to do anything about it, except issue warnings, which I blatantly ignored.

During the day of New Year's Eve I knew I was behaving like the thing from the depths.  I'd had a very bad night due to the whole barn rocking in the gales and driving rain, and I was feeling exhausted before I even began the day.  I had a long list of things I needed to accomplish before the evening's festivities, and had only ticked off a couple when the phone rang and it was our daughter, who'd had a terrible argument with her ex, and who is still trying to control her seven years later, despite having his own family, and she wanted us to call round and maybe go out for a walk around the little town where she lives.

Of course, we immediately set off, and I decided to take my list with me and try to get my bits of shopping done whilst we were out.

Sadly, bitch/troll ensured that I remained a horrible person the whole time.  I was my usual grandmotherly self with my adorable grandbaby, (my older one was with his father), and helpful, supportive and fiercely loving, (like a mother bear) towards my daughter.  But poor Dan took a lot of flack, of the nagging wife variety. I just couldn't seem to ease out of it.  I think I disagreed with just about everything he did or said that day - and for no real reason that I can think of. My feathers weren't just ruffled, they were completely bent back the wrong way. 

By evening he was issuing me with muttered sotto voce warnings and assurances of how he would love to warm my tail.  Ha! I just snarled at him and changed my outfit three times! 

Yet despite all this we had a lovely evening.  We provided the cheese board, and took celery and grapes, and a wonderful Sauternes. Believe me, if you've never tried "Stinking Bishop", you don't know what you are missing!

I sat at the opposite end of the table to Dan. (We were all positioned away from our spouses, and there were two male friends present, one of whom had lost his wife just three weeks previously, and one who, having lost his wife four years ago, had just lost his eldest son at the age of 33 - and all to cancer!) 

Each time I refilled my glass Dan frowned, which made me nervous, so I did it rather more regularly than I knew I should. In the end I tried to avoid looking him in the eye.  I don't think his eyebrow could go any higher than it did!

We all sat chatting after dinner in my friend's living room waiting for midnight to strike.  We had the TV on and were watching the crowds along the Thames with the London Eye in the background. We were all on to liqueurs by that time, and conversation was animated.

At last Big Ben appeared on the screen and we hurriedly poured the champagne and got our party poppers ready to pull.  New Year arrived with a welter of fireworks along the Thames and everyone sought out their partners to kiss and wish Happy New Year to, before kissing and hugging each other. 

I stood and waited expectantly for Dan to make his way across the room towards me.  But he didn't.  He stopped off and kissed first one friend, and then another, and left me till last.  I felt awful.  I knew exactly why he was doing it.

At last he took me in his arms and wished me a Happy New Year, and then with his right hand he gave me an enormous, and loud, swat across my behind. Then he kissed me to muffle my exclamation, which would've been something unprintable and probably louder than the swat!  

Our friends have known us for donkey's years and just assumed he was being amusing and possessive. Ha!  They didn't hear what he whispered in my ear!

New Year's Day we ended up rushing in order to go to my SIL's for an early lunch.  I had a headache from hell, and we were both very tired, and then I had to get Dan to the station to meet up with his soccer buddies to watch our local team.

It was late when he got home, and we were both zonked, plus we both felt bloated from all the eating, and frankly, we just wanted to get to bed and sleep.

But I woke up quite early.  I just lay there and thought about things.  I think I actually squirmed a couple of times.  It's not pleasant waiting for an event. Especially when you know you've earned your come-uppance. You go over and over things in your head a hundred times.  My main question to myself was why had I acted the way I had? This didn't feel like groundhog day, but something else.  It was like having an itch that I couldn't scratch that just got worse and worse.  Like being in such need that I was almost shaking from withdrawal symptoms. Like being addicted and not able to feed the addiction.

I can tell you that Dan didn't beat about the bush. He sent me downstairs to get our morning drinks. Sent not asked. As soon as I had finished my coffee he requested the leather paddle and the wooden salad server.  I should have been glad the bathbrush had slipped his mind, I suppose.

He started out with his hand, which surprised me, as I honestly thought he would start right in zinging away with the paddle the way he usually does when I am being a pig and extra irritating.  But he didn't.  Instead he chose to "talk" to me.

I am always interested when people blog about being "lectured".  It's not a word I am fond of, but I do understand.  Dan doesn't lecture - he converses. He points out every little detail of my behaviour and expresses his disappointment and how it has hurt his feelings, and he does like me to answer him, which can, of course, become a bit difficult when you are chewing the duvet.  This time he spanked and conversed until I was gritting my teeth, and he suddenly shook his hand and said it hurt too much to continue.

Now, normally one would assume that would be the end of the performance.  Wrong.  The salad server made its appearance.  Bugger that thing!  It really hurts!  Especially when Dan does his skin stretching thing, and hammers away on the same spot for six or seven spanks.  

I was getting watery-eyed and just beginning to cry and let go - and then I was suddenly paying attention to what he was talking about.  (Sorry Dan.  Everyone else:  This is one of my main faults - I just drift off into my own headspace and don't listen.)  

The words taking, you aren't, seriously and me suddenly rearranged themselves in my head, followed by You're awfully red, I think you've had enough, haven't you? Shall I stop?

Dan stopped spanking and I held my breath for a moment, and then launched myself up off his lap.

"What do you mean I'm not taking this seriously?!!! All you do, half the time, is mess around and be funny!"

The air was electric and now I had Dan's complete attention.

"Mess around?!  No, I don't.  How?"

"Yes you do.  You play the tom-toms.  Then you play Guess the nursery rhyme. Then you brush me with the bathbrush."  I stood by the foot of the bed, glaring at him, tears streaming down my cheeks.

"And to accuse me of not taking it seriously!" I drew myself up to my full and naked height.  "We've been doing this for over a year now.  I thought you understood it.  I thought you agreed with me that we have come a long way and that we are closer than we have ever been. I thought you had gotten used to spanking me and it no longer bothered you. Yet apart from three or four times, you have never just spanked me until you have decided to stop!  You always ask me!  Or you stop before I've had a chance to off-load all this stress! Surely you know by now that I trust you to give me what you think is enough, both in terms of length and severity, but you always stop!"

Maybe this sounds a bit controlling but I was shaking with anger.  My heart was hurting more than my bottom.

I won't go into it all, because it would take hours, and I can't remember everything. Dan said I had totally misheard what he had said, and that he didn't know where I had got the words from - I must've been dreaming them.  

But I held my ground and continued to stand at the bottom of the bed, and we had a very long discussion. It wasn't heated (I was very chilly by the time we'd finished it) and I was able to discuss my feelings without turning into a rabid dog, and he was able to discuss how he felt without being controlling or condescending.

A bit reluctantly I have to admit that Dan was 99% right in everything he said.  It seems to be the way of the man.  

  • Somehow I had misheard the taking it seriously words and twisted them then accused him.
  • He had felt very angry with my behaviour, but felt unable, due to lack of privacy and feeling very tired himself, to act spontaneously.
  • He can now see a pattern in my moods when I need a spanking, and acknowledges the change in me a spanking brings about.
  • He is in full agreement about how very much closer we have become over the past year.
  • He feels very protective towards me, much more so than he has ever told me.
  • He enjoys spanking me for fun.
  • He is still getting his head around this dynamic - even after a year - and still admits to it initially being a hell of a shock to him.
  • He positively and completely hates it when I cry.

It's the last one that we discussed the most.  It's the stumbling block.

We talked for ages.  He told me that when I went over his lap I had seemed fine - he talked and I not only listened but despite the occasional "Ow!" and "Ouch!", I had talked with him. We had even joked a bit, and he thought everything was okay.  But he said that when he stopped and asked me if I had had enough, my demeanour seemed to change.  Then the misunderstanding about not acting seriously, and then suddenly I had shot up and stood at the end of the bed.

So I did my best to explain that he often stopped too soon, and that I felt because he nearly always asked me if I was okay, and if I had had enough, it felt like I was the one in control, and that if it was a serious spanking, and not a fun spanking, it left me unsatisfied and grumpy.  All I did then was to stuff my feelings back down, hope for the best, and carry on until the next session.  Why, I wondered, didn't he just carry on, let me scream and wail, if necessary, and get it all out of my system!!!

My poor, dear, gentle and loving husband looked at me and said "I'd defend you against all odds if I had to. I can cope with your stress-induced tantrums and haul you back, forcibly, into line and I can cope with you having a bit of a cry. But when you start to sob as if you heart is breaking, I feel as if someone is reaching inside me and twisting my gut.  I just can't hurt you like that, Ami, it's just something I am not able to do."

By this time I was sobbing quietly, and his eyes were full of tears.

"But you see, I trust you.  I trust you to take care of me and to spank me as you see fit.  You don't need to ask.  You can just make the decision."

"I know all that.  But you seem to be needing it more and more.  And harder and harder.  Do you realise I spanked you over a hundred times just with my hand? It's hurting me, so your bottom must be hurting you!"

I had never realised he ever counted.

"That's the main reason why I ask you if you've had enough.  I can feel the heat coming off your bottom enough to fry eggs. I just can't do this every day, or every other day.  It's just too much.  Please don't ask that of me."

"I wouldn't.  But sometimes I need it more than others.  We were doing so well before Christmas. The stress of everything, including you not yet having your biopsy results, just got to me and made me spiral."

"Then you should've explained.  You accuse me of not talking to you, but half the time you don't explain things to me."

"You don't have to give me long sessions you know.  Five minutes would be fine."

"Ami, five minutes, at a spank a second would be 300 spanks.  That's just crazy."

"Well, a minute and a half then.  Or even just 20 or 30 good ones."

I broke into a grin.  I began to see the funny side and Dan chuckled. "Your bottom feels so much softer and smoother than it used to, but I think it is turning into rhino hide!  I don't think you feel it half of the time. Not any more."

(Rhino hide!!!!!!)

"I do feel it!" How to explain? "But mostly I seem to enjoy it. And even if I don't enjoy it at the time, like the pain when you really lay them on, I enjoy it afterwards."


I frowned. "I think I must be getting addicted. I just can't go back.  I feel such a closeness.  Just look at us.  At how we have changed, especially towards each other.  I don't even bruise any more," I added shyly.

"So what do we do?" I asked him. "If I tell you to stop, it doesn't necessarily mean I want you to stop. Even if I was shrieking stop, I might only be thinking it and not really wanting it."

"But I can't always work out when you've had enough. I can't always read the signs. You say that you relax and let go, but how can I be sure of knowing that?  I need you to tell me things.  I need you to tell me if I am stopping too soon.  I need you to tell me if I have gone on too long."

"Now,"he pointed to his lap, "Come back here."

So I went and crawled back over his lap.  He rubbed my bottom, and then he started over, this time with the leather paddle.

I relaxed into it straight away, and as he spanked the tears came.  I told him how sorry I was for everything, and dissolved into sobs.  I felt him slow, and the spanks grew lighter, but this time he didn't stop.  He was waiting for me.  I didn't have the heart to let him keep going.  "Stop" I told him.  And he did at once.

I crawled up and buried my head under his chin and let myself cry for a bit.

"You know.  We could have had this discussion a bit earlier and avoided all the dramatics," he told me.

"I thought we had had this discussion lots of times. I always ask you to talk to me when you are spanking."

"I know.  But I find it very difficult, especially to concentrate."  He was thinking, then he said "You asked me to do this, you know.  It wasn't as if I was looking for faults in my wife."

There was lots more discussion.  We didn't make love. It was so late we had to get up. But I was back in my happy place once more.

We had a wonderful day, and even snuggled up together on the sofa yet again, much to our son's apparent embarrassment.  As Dan says, whilst our daughter is modern-minded, our son still believes in immaculate conception.

Myself?  I am glad this happened. Perhaps it's not quite like I would've wished it to be, but maybe we can work on it. After all, it has to be for him, not just for me. I need to concentrate more on we instead of I.

I know it all sounds convoluted and mixed up. But it's sometimes very hard to open yourself up to your real feelings. And still harder to share.

I hope that when the next spanking comes along we will be able to continue with our conversation. This is not some elaborate game, we are not playing at scenes, this is our real life, and another bend has been negotiated and another layer of the onion peeled way.

Sometimes when you open up to each other, you discover that you both need to make adjustments, that you can't just expect complete compliance.  You need to be flexible, to be prepared to make small changes to the prototype.  

Yet then you discover you are more malleable than you had realised, and you become like the pieces of a jigsaw, fitting together where you had not at first thought possible.

All this does not, of course, mean that all the lumps and bumps are ironed out and the road is straight, smooth and uninterrupted right to the horizon.  I dare say I shall continue have lesser moments and Dan will continue to address them.

So, tell me, what types of conversations do you have whilst negotiating a spanking?  Are they useful?  Do you profit by them? Are they of the one-sided, "I expect you to do this and if you don't I shall paddle your ass even harder next time." variety? Or are they "This is how I see the situation, so what can we do to avoid its recurrence?" type of conversation?  Or do you feel your husband, having the upper hand at the time, just drones on and on and you eventually lose all feeling not just in your butt but in your brain as well?  Be honest.  It's a difficult thing to admit to if him talking isn't doing anything for you.  I just hope our conversations are going to be rather different in the future.


  1. Oh Ami,
    We've been doing this for nearly 8 years and yet you're way ahead of us in many ways. When I get really mad at Nick, I shut up. When I really need him to spank me, I shut up. When he does spank me, but it's not enough, I shut up. And when I desperately need him to understand what I need, I shut up. How'm I doing so far?

    I swear I have walls built around my walls and I don't even know why. I'm married to the finest man in the world who want's to know what I'm thinking and needing. I would give anything to cry during a spanking, a real one. I never have and it would probably scare Nick to death. But spanko hope dies hard, things are happening here, not sure what yet, but something.

    I like how you two are doing.

    1. PK - you have me in fits! But having read your latest blog I think there is hope for you! I am so pleased your road has had a bend in it like ours. Don't you just love discovering what is around those bends?!

      Tell you what, I'll do the crying for the both of us! After just a year I think I have a degree in it! Maybe I need to keep quiet more, so that it goes on longer and is administered harder? And yes, it still scares Dan to death - hence the reluctance to do either of the aforementioned. LOL!

      Many hugs

  2. Whew Ami!

    That was a lot. First you had me laughing with your descriptions of yourself
    but then you had me nearly sobbing with you!

    SM is like Dan in that he does not like me to cry either. Well he said that for most of our first year of DD but then suddenly, recently, he decided he would take me to tears on purpose a few times. He said I was addicted to spanking too (a long time ago in the beginning of our marriage which is part of why he put spanking on hold a while way back then)

    He threatens with spanking but also lectures. He likes to switch up the formula. I would prefer he pick one and stick to it.

    Anyway, I am glad you both worked through this. <3 Sounds like there were some much needed things to be said.

    love sara

    1. But I wonder how many years it took to bring about the changes? I think what I am really after is the "unknown" and the "spontaneous and unplanned". At least if SM keeps switching the formula you don't get into a rut or have any dull moments! LOL!

      Many hugs

  3. Wow, talk about taking giant steps. We often talk during spankings, not at first, but after i have relaxed or He feels He has made His point. If i am being punished, it usually of the, how do we prevent this from happening again. If we having fun, it is cheerful banter. I used to say that taking face to face was better....but i have come to realize that is not always the best way to start conversation.
    hugs abby

    1. Oh Abby, I don't know about giant steps, but it has been yet another turning point. It seems to me that what you talk about is good! I know that I listen much better over Dan's lap than in any other position, but we are starting to talk a bit more both before and after a spanking, which is quite an improvement.

      Many hugs

  4. I so admire you and Dan. You really know what you want and understand that there are differences between what you want and what Dan is able to give. Not only that but you are able to talk about the issues. Your deep love and respect for each other will get you to a resolution that is right for both of you. Hugs to you.

    1. Thanks, Sunny, you really cheer me up, because I sometimes think it is one step forwards and two steps backwards! It is helpful to talk about what we both want though, instead of just me harping on for ages. We have both learned give and take over the years, and happily it is now becoming beneficial. I haven't a clue why we never had these deep conversations years ago, but hopefully we still have time to make our marriage even better. We are also learning to listen more closely to each other, which is just as important as talking.

      Many hugs

  5. From start to finish, I liked your post and feel for your poor bottom. Take care,

    1. Hello Meredith! Oh I am so glad I didn't frighten you away with my long rant. I have to assure you that my bottom rarely stays sore for very long, and it loses its rosy glow within a few hours. I quite envy people who say they often find sitting a bit sore afterwards, as I have very rarely had that problem, and then only initially. For me, it is always "during" the spanking that I act like I am being murdered. I can't say why, especially when lots of women around here never even cry! I must be a softy and a cry baby! Yet being spanked is something I crave - and I never even knew until little over a year ago. Life can be very strange. We both feel so much closer to each other, and we always thought we were close before.

      Thank you for stopping by to comment and I hope you will come back again. I am not always very good at keeping up with everyone else's posts as I am as busy as a headless chicken at the moment.

      Many hugs

  6. Well let me answer your questions shall I ? LOL. But first, Barney still asks me how I am doing during a spanking. I can't remember if he does during a punishment one, but definitely during r/a. My answer is always the same, " I'm okay" but it is the tone he is listening to. You know that angry phase that you can find yourself in? Well if he asks then he can tell..LOL.

    We have a 'rule' if you will, that we talk ABOUT the spanking itself the next day. Sometimes it is later in the day. We do this for both of us, because there are times when Barney has been confused by my reaction, or even by his. These don't always have to be deep conversations. Sometimes they are, " Ya know that implement is a real bugger, you might want to save it for punishment spankings" Or " that one only really hurts if you use it on my sit spots: Other times it is, " Why do you think you stopped when you did yesterday? " We have found that if we ask each other questions about it we learn more about each other and things improve gradually...My reactions, his actions. It doesn't happen over night and it is constantly changing...ya know Rhino butt and all *wink* but it helps us because the emotions aren't so high later.

    Now for the lecture/ talk...ours is really a talk. I have to pay attention and listen for nuggets. One in about 5 times he has one! LOL. But seriously Barney has to FEEL his convictions in order to talk to me the way I need. So we both have to work on that outside of spanking. OR you know I tick him off at the grocery store and there are no kids at home...then I feel his conviction! But honestly after it has happened and time has past, he is no longer angry so he looses his words. That is okay. It is life .

    I think, at least with us, the deeper you go into Dd the deeper the conversations become. By that I mean a new level of difficulty. I also mean that the NEED for these conversations allows you to go deeper still. Without them well- here it isn't good without them.

    Good luck two look like you are going where you want to go. It isn't always easy or pretty....but the view is great when you arrive for a spell!

    1. Love your "y'know that implement is a real bugger"!!!! I currently feel that way about the bath brush because he swings it too high up, and then of course it comes down with such a slap!!!

      I think that discussing things the next day is good, but by that time Dan has often gone off the boil or just doesn't seem bothered about having that sort of a discussion. But it is something worth looking at and working on. How he could call me Rhino Butt though!!! Huh! I mean, I couldn't go anywhere near as long or as hard as you! I yell and howl and shout! I chew up a pillowcase! Yet I do wonder if I am a bit strange due to hardly feeling anything within an hour or two afterwards and positively drooling at sitting on the hard kitchen chairs. Sigh. (And don't you dare to chuckle, miss!)

      I suppose that so long as Dan speaks through something other than his hand I will try to listen and not zone out. Maybe a review of spanking implements is due.

      Laughing at your last para - eg my view this morning of the floorboards under his side of the bed was just priceless!!!

      BTW - I am heavily into reading The Control Book and so far quite enjoying it. Have read several similar books before, though not with the BDSM emphasis. Will discuss with you when I've finished it.

      Many hugs

    2. LOL..yes the view. Well Barney got a wedge pillow for Christmas, I get a view of the mattress and that is all now! Which reminds me I probably should dust the baseboards, as I haven't looked at them in a while!
      How on EARTH am I going to discuss The Control Book with you? Unless you are going to give me a synopsis. Barney won't let me touch it remember?

      Oh PS.. the only time I feel spankings hours later is if I clench now! It is like the buttmaster exercise. Up side no cellulite !

    3. But the Control Book is all basic psychology!!! You would really enjoy it - well not all the stupid BDSM references - but it is virtually the same as the psychology you start off with when you begin to study it, and I think you would find it interesting, and then we could discuss and argue about it. There are no great secrets in it, but it does get you thinking, and I love having something a bit more "gritty" to get my teeth into.

      The wedge pillow sounds a good idea for bad backs too. Sometimes I can hardly get up after a spanking because my back seizes up and I have to be hauled to my feet! What buttmaster exercise? Sounds interesting. I know what you mean about the cellulite - I've never had such smooth skin! LOL!

  7. Ami, you both are so great together. I see two people who always love hard. It says so much about your relationship that always work through any difficulty and both come out on top. I understand how it hurts him to see you sob....not in pain...but sob.

    You know, honestly... my Scotsman doesn't lecture. When he spanks throughout the day, reigning me in....Idefinitely know what bothers him! If the spanking is in the bedroom...usually it is stress relief for me, for him a combo...leading to OTHER things. Often I will say 'okay' or cover my butt and he will say-- 'not my decision'. However he is paying me and my words. Afterwords I often say he should have given me more. It is complicated, isn't it? When it all works perfectly, I feel my stress slowly deflate like a balloon with a leak.

    1. Hi Minelle! I think we always do everything hard! Snigger! Being together for as long as we have, we are used to working through difficulties. Very important, but not always easy or comfortable to do.

      I have never tried to cover my butt - I am always nervous of getting my hand swiped. I am also nervous of kicking him, but he assures me he keeps an eye on both my hands and my feet.

      I am wondering about this "more" because it is a bit tricky. I think I have to rely on him to decide, especially in view of what he said. But I suppose that ten much harder swats could be as beneficial as fifty medium ones? Hard to know.

      I totally agree with the stress deflating like a pricked balloon. The difference is incredible in my temperament after a spanking. I just want to float, most of the time anyway.

      Many hugs

  8. Hey Ami...I agree with two are great together and so fiercely in love. I have faith you will work things through. Do have a suggestion as far as spanking not enough or too much...I think it would help you two to have a safe word with the understanding that he would spank as long as he felt necessary even if you were sobbing and that you would use your safe word if the spanking was too much.

    Am going to point out a few things that will probably make me unpopular. ;) First...that "headache from hell"?...that's called a hangover from drinking too much! Second...we always seem to take our bad moods/frustration out on those whose love we feel most secure with (yours of course is Dan just as his is you!) 'zoned out' on Dan when he was talking to you, misunderstood what he said and then lost your temper...turn that around sweetie...just how disrespected would you have felt if Dan had done that to you?

    The holidays are over, you should receive Dan's results soon (they WILL be good news!), and you will be moved within the next month or two. Hopefully, things will slow down and let you both breathe a bit.

    Sending lots of prayers and positive energy your way.

    Hugs and Blessings...

    1. I have had thoughts about a safe word, but felt a bit silly and didn't like to suggest it, but I do think it has possibilities, certainly from my point of view as sometimes I try to scrabble forwards to avoid some of the more blazing swats and get quite panicky. Other times, I find I can relax into them without any problem. It depends on my frame of mind at the time, and I never know how I am going to react.

      Cheeky bugger laughing about my "overhang"!!! But I do agree and feel ashamed re your comments about me zoning out. I used to do it a great deal more during our everyday life. I am very much better now and am even learning to shut up when he speaks to me, and not keeping interrupting. But like any old couple we do tease each other about "not listening". Dan likes to call it "selective hearing"!!! LOL!

      I hope we do receive the results soon. Hopefully the Labs will be back to a full strength work force. My physio finished today, BTW. They don't feel they can improve much on my shoulder and so long as I keep up the exercises, I should be okay. Still hurts sometimes if I overstretch it, and still can't reach right up behind my back with it, but the physio said lots of people can't do that anyway, so I will just quietly persevere.

      Many hugs

  9. Hi Ami, Gosh, I had to read that twice to remember it!! I think itis great that you have come so far in only a year. I think Dan talks a lot more than my husband, he is not really into the analysing side of things. Maybe we are all addicted, after all we brought this to our husbands for a reason. It wasn't that we simply wanted to be spanked into oblivion was it? I hope you and Dan have a happy 2014 and Dan's test results are good.
    love Jan.xx

    1. Hi Jan! Dan has always been more of a thinker than a talker. But he has improved, so I shouldn't really grumble too much. Yes, I think John acts a little more spontaneously than Dan. They all have their little foibles! LOL!

      Many hugs

  10. Wow I envy you for how honest you are about your feelings. Also I admire how you know your heart and what it wants and needs. That's not an easy thing to do.

    I ask myself though, is it the addiction to the act of spanking itself or the feelings that surrounds it? I know after a spanking I feel less anxious about things and my life, but is it because the spanking has lessened these feelings, or is it because it's giving me a time out, even for a few minutes out of real life. A few moments on having to let go and not being in control or responsible for the order of the universe?

    As for your question, I have to say at times him " lecturing" me, makes me want to shove a sock down his throat and watch him choke on it, very very very slowly haha ok yes as you can tell he is the MASTER at lecturing and especially in a discipline setting, I already know I've messed up, and we've talked about it and I k ow why he's going to go to town on my ass, so why torture me even more with going over and over and over and over and over, ok you get the point yes?? In a "just because" type of setting, I need him to tell me why we're doing this and what were getting out of it and more importantly, he has to make me feel, with his words, that I'm not being punished.

    Happy new year honey and I hope Dan's results come through positive for him x

    1. Hi Missy! I have absolutely no idea why I feel so great after I have been spanked. And that applies to nine out of ten spankings, no matter what the reason for the spanking. I don't think for me it is a control issue, but purely that I have a love/hate relationship with the physical pain of being spanked. So long as I can have a good cry and nestle into his chest of armpit afterwards, I am a happy bunny. The very few times he has rushed off and left me without that hug and reassurance are the times things have gone tits up! So for me, the aftercare is hugely important, and may even contribute to my feeling of enjoyment re having a sore behind, and getting turned on by feeling the glow and sitting on our hard kitchen chairs. I don't know. I must sound ever so weird, but I suppose a each spanking affects us differently, and because we are all individuals, we all react in very different ways. Like I yowl and howl and cry and sob, and lots of you don't even shed tears. I do like to listen to him talking to me though - but not when he drones on about something I already am aware of.

      Happy New Year to you and Balu!!!

      Many hugs

  11. I get lectured and talked to and like you sometimes drift away and miss hear what he says but then if I do that I get spanked again:) The main thing is you can talk about it together. That says a lot.

    I wish you both a wonderful 2014.


    1. Dan is strange in the way that mostly he is a thinker instead of a talker. But when he talks, he can talk for England, and then if he is covering a topic in just "that" way, I turn off, and then he gets fed up with me. But this happens not just when he is spanking me. He loves a good rant - ie about the charges of different phone companies - and then I really do want to stick my fingers in my ears and go lalalala! LOL!

      We are talking together now much better than a year ago. There have certainly been improvements. But then, there have been improvements in lots of ways. Snigger!

      Hope you and P have a wonderful 2014 too! despite Ralph Lauren!

      Many hugs

  12. It can all get quite complicated at times, can't it? But, sticking it out together and sorting through it is the important thing. That way even if you're on opposing sides going in, hopefully you'll be on the same side coming out. As far as lecturing goes, Michael rarely does that while spanking. He prefers to talk to/with me beforehand or afterward. If he talks to me before it usually of the "I expect you to do this and if you don't I shall paddle your ass even harder next time." And if he talks with me afterward it's usually of the "This is how I see the situation, so what can we do to avoid its recurrence?" variety. Sometimes he does both. Sometimes he does neither. I mean, sometimes neither of us really needs to say anything at the time. However, there are times when more discussion is needed because we're just not on the same page. And those can be difficult, but I've also found that we've grown a lot from those conversations as well.

    Anyway, I'm glad you've made it through the holidays...if not entirely unscathed. Happy New Year! :)

    1. Thanks, Grace, for taking the time to explain your way of "talking". I can identify with much of this. I suppose I need reassurance that other people often have similar conversations to us, or even non-conversations. The "not being on the same page" is something that we often had in the past and even now have sometimes, but we are working on it and it is showing improvement. I would very much like Dan to talk more, and not get tongue-tied the way he often seems to, but as our conversations are much more meaningful than in the past, I know I shouldn't complain.

      A very Happy New Year to you and Michael, Grace. So good to hear from you!

      Many hugs

  13. Hi, Ami. I read this post and all the comments and your responses. It's a good thing everybody else has already said all the really good, nice things and offered helpful observations, because I got stuck on the parts about you having "soft and smooth...rhino skin." Rolling over here! (I admit I might have less equanimity and humor than you if my skin was compared to a rhino's, deservedly or not! Lol!)

    I will second Cat's suggestion about a safe word. That might relieve both of you from any pressure about how much is too much for you.

    I've never heard of Stinking Bishop. I wonder if the local liquor store carries it, or would order it in for us to try. I know the difference between apple cider and apple juice, and that the terms apple cider and hard cider are used interchangeably when the cider is fermented. I'm not certain whether mulling any of these beverages makes a difference in what you asked, but I would guess that possibly your mulled cider is raw, pulpy, fermented juiced apples to which mulling spices are added and simmered. Your mulled apple juice might be non-alcoholic, strained and processed (pasteurized) juiced apples (transparent juice without pulp) which is then simmered with mulling spices. Or, I haven't a clue? Lol! I love mulled apple wine. ;-)

    I am praying for good test results for Dan. Hugs to you, Ami!

    1. Hi Irishey!

      I know what you mean about my rhino hide bottom! But it is smoother than it used to be, and quite honestly I hadn't noticed that it was any tougher. It still hurts like hell when I get spanked for real. I haven't a clue how some folk around here endure these "really" long spankings, because once that "burn" has built up, I have been known to get quite frantic! LOL! (Believe me, I have been referred to all sorts of things over the years - rhino hide is nothing!) LOL!

      I am going to mention having a safe word, but I don't know what Dan's reaction will be. Probably it will totally unnerve him. Sigh.

      Stinking Bishop is the most incredibly smelly cheese we have ever tasted - and we have tasted a good few over the years, all across Europe. But this is a Brit cheese and people seem to enjoy it very much. I think you would need to try a really good delicatessen - it is made, so I believe, in a fairly small dairy, so may not be available worldwide. However, I will make enquiries for you. It is certainly something to be experienced!

      Apple cider comes in all strengths over here, and can be sweet or dry. I prefer dry cider. I included the recipe for this on one of my Saturday Snippets near to Christmas. It has cinnamon sticks, cloves, soft brown sugar etc added. Sometimes instead of loose cloves we add a whole orange spiked all over with cloves. We also add either a couple of apples cut in rings or a couple or roasted apples. Either way, it is delicious, but alcoholic. The non-alcoholic version is when I substitute pure apple juice (I buy it in cartons from the supermarket) instead of cider. That is aimed at the people who have to drive home afterwards. But when the apple juice is heated up, with all the spices and the fruit, it tastes virtually the same, so it means that everyone can enjoy something festive without endangering their lives through drinking and driving. Apple wine sounds nice. I shall have to enquire about it.

      Thanks for your prayers Irishey!

      Many hugs

    2. Oh, dear. I thought Stinking Bishop was an alcoholic beverage! Lol! It's a smelly cheese, huh? Like Limburger? Hang on - I'm going to look it up.

      Omg. Smelly socks? Lol! But it says that smell is from the rind, and the inside cheese tastes really good. Was that your experience? I really do not like Limburger. My dad used to love that stuff. I had to leave the kitchen when he got it out. Bleh. I read about several stinky cheeses in researching Stinking Bishop. How in the world did people ever venture to try any of these when they smelled so badly, or had big chunks of mold such as is found in Roquefort? I love Roquefort salad dressing, but haven't had it in ages. I imagine it is the American pasteurized version, and the smell and taste was not overpowering. Same with Bleu Cheese dressing - can't have it very strong, but like the overall flavor. I also didn't realize American Brie is different than the original French Brie. Ah, the things we learn from ttwd blogs! Lol!

      Apple wine is really good. My ex-sister-in-law's family used to make homemade fruit and berry wines, and we can usually find any of these in any small winery. My state has quite a few small family wineries. It would be fun to take a driving tour to several of them with some friends. Um, when did you say you were coming to the States?! ;-)

    3. Giggle! Smelly socks?!!! The whole cheese smells in my opinion and I found the taste very strong - too strong for me. Taleggio has a strong smell, but is lovely and mild in the middle when you get rid of the rind. But I love cheeses that we leave standing out and that "run" in the warmth of the kitchen and are nice to dip a finger in and slurp! (I know I am revolting....!)

      My dad used to buy a cheese that was so smelly that my mother used to make him keep it in a little bag pegged outside on the washing line!

      Roquefort is a wonderful cheese. It is a blue, which means it is veined with mould, but it makes it taste divine and is ideal to spread inside warm savoury scones. Have you ever tried Stilton? I, too, like blue cheese salad dressing - I think it can be made with any blue cheese.

      I didn't know there was American Brie. We try to buy large Brie cheeses especially when in France and bring them back with us. I adore them. What is American Brie like. They make a Somerset Brie over here which is good, but not as good as the French Brie.

      I have never had apple wine. It was only because Dan had some work once in Frankfurt that I found out that that town is famous for its apple wine. It is reminiscent of cider? I love small family wineries! We visit them in France and you can try all the wines.

      I should love to visit some wineries in the States. What a great idea!


  14. Wow, Ami......what a thought-provoking post chock full of many morsels to sift through. J converses, too. I've told him that I benefit best by hearing him tell me things directly, whether it's about what I've done, why it was wrong, what he expects of me, etc. I guess that would pertain mostly to punishment spankings. Maintenance is more conversational, between both of us.

    Thank you for sharing Dan's side of things. Sometimes we forget, or perhaps don't even realize (or I do, anyway) that our men have real feelings, thoughts, and perspectives on TTWD. It affects them differently than how it affects us. That really helped me.

    You two sound like you're onto something good. Keep up the good work!


    1. Hi Sadie, glad you enjoyed reading it. Sometimes it's difficult to write what you have observed about things, especially as we all approach this dynamic is such different ways. I got so used to simply steamrollering Dan in the past, that I am having to learn a whole new behaviour. Being in a vulnerable position where you get into the habit of conversing, is very beneficial for me. But Dan has found it very difficult and even now often has little to say. Yet sometimes I have trouble shutting him up, and I then drift off, which must be very annoying.

      I asked him - he has been the one with the near vertical learning curve - I forget that and assume he knows it all. It is me who is being unfair. But we do seem to be moving together more now, instead of as two individuals.