Friday 17 January 2014

Compliance


"Ami!" The voice has an edge to it.  He raises an eyebrow and indicates for me to precede him into the kitchen.

From across the room I narrow my eyes at him and lift my chin, but I stop mid sentence.  

He briefly narrows his eyes in response, then glares at me, nodding discretely at the kitchen doorway and moving his wineglass ever so slightly to the left.

I drop my eyes, excuse myself from the couple I am chatting with and make my way around the dining table towards him.

As I pass him on my way into the kitchen I notice the steely glint in his eyes, and I bite down on the few choice words that, a second ago, I was prepared to mutter under my breath.  

He follows me, and putting one hand on the kitchen island and the other hand on the work surface near the cooker, he neatly corals me in a corner.

I open my mouth ready to defend myself, but he forestalls me, placing a finger across my lips and giving his head a tiny shake.  He hardly needs words. 

"Do you understand me?"  He lifts his eyebrow slightly.

For an instant in time I set my jaw and stare back. Then I drop my eyes and nod.

"Ami, I am waiting for a reply."

I study the travertine flooring.

"Yes.  I'm sorry.  My mouth was running away with me there. I don't know what came over me."

"So long as we understand each other." He drops his hand and turns surveying the kitchen.

He picks up a plate of smoked salmon and asparagus, and hands me a dish of olives stuffed with garlic, and another containing small red peppers stuffed with cream cheese.

"Let's get this party started," he indicates the dishes and the people through the doorway.




My shoulders relax.  That was a near thing, I think to myself.


*******


I'm not particularly submissive.  I'm not certain that I want to be, not really.  Not if that submission means I am always being told what to do, how to behave, what to wear, what to watch on TV, what I can spend. I like to think of myself as being co-operative; of being in agreement with Dan and able to comply with his requests.  To know what he is going to request - and get in first before he has to put his requests into words. I've always been this way.

My first job, way back when, was as PA to the Chairman of a very large international company. I just loved being able to predict what he wanted, before he even knew himself that he wanted it - be it end of year results from a rival company, a meeting setting up with the other members of the Board, tickets on the next Concorde flight to New York, or even just a cup of freshly brewed coffee. 

In fact, I remember kneeling at a low-level coffee table in the corner of his huge office, serving freshly brewed Arabica, whilst he and several other high-powered businessmen from the States stood towering over me and watching me.  One even had the temerity to stroke my hair.  It makes me gasp to think I was so naive that I thought it was quite normal for a young woman hardly out of college to serve coffee to a group of men in that way.

For roughly the first third of our marriage Dan made all the important decisions and I was happy to comply with his wishes.  We even used to boast that we never rowed or had arguments, and that we had ironed out all our differences during the years of our engagement.  (5 years!  Long huh?!)  

But then something changed.  Dan's hard work and determination paid off and I rarely saw him without a business suit and briefcase.  He mostly worked with upper management and directors of large blue-chip companies, and was sometimes away for weeks and once lived away from us for three years just coming home at weekends, and one weekday night if he could manage it.

I stayed at home and worked part-time juggling teaching, studying for various degrees, looking after the kids and sorting out their schooling, running the household and riding my horses (mainly eventing). Somewhere along the line we came unstuck.  We nearly came completely off the rails, although I wasn't aware of it at the time.  In essence, I took over.  I did it because Dan just wasn't around.  



Okay, so if he was around I still had his gin and tonic ready for him as he came up the drive on a Friday night - but mostly I steered the ship.

Imagine wearing Wellington boots two sizes too large for you,



and then wading through a sea of ankle deep mud. 




That's how it felt to begin with.  

But then after a while those Wellingtons seemed to shrink and the mud dried out. 

We no longer bothered to kiss each other goodbye when he left for a business trip.  At one time I chaired about six different committees, and some evenings I would be out till after midnight. I remember once getting a puncture. It was before mobile phones. When I eventually rolled into the yard it was after eleven at night and Dan never turned a hair. Didn't even wonder why I was so late.

I was the good little corporate wife.  I knew how to dress and I knew how to act when rubbing shoulders with the "big bosses".  I could be relied on to ask the right questions and engage in intelligent conversation. I gained a reputation for my strength of character, and Dan once bought, whilst on holiday, a silly sign that read "Forget the dog, Beware of the owner." He never knew how much it smarted.



Sex was uninspiring when we had it; I can remember quite clearly that once every three weeks was not unusual, and it was more often than not of the "Wham, bam, thank you mam" variety. If I didn't feel like it I would even slap his hand away if it ventured in my direction. 

This turbulent third of our life came to a close one Friday when Dan arrived at work to be asked for his car keys.  He'd became a necessary cut. The entire company he worked for became a necessary cut.  I collected him from the station that evening.  He was very quiet.  His face was grey.

We lay in bed that night and he broke down.  He asked me if I was going to leave him.  He didn't think I would want to be with a man who had just lost his job.  We made love tenderly and with more regard to each other's feelings than we had in years.

Life deals you blows and you pick yourself up and get on with it.  It takes time and you follow a rocky road, but then, life ain't easy. 



Sometimes just putting one foot in front of another is hard, yet at other times you find yourself running up the hills.

Dan's made of some pretty strong stuff.  He started to network, and before long he set up his own company, and he never looked back.  It's being cut adrift that's the most difficult thing; once you start to tread water it's only one step on and you're swimming with sharks.  Once again I found myself steering that darn ship!  But this time as a mere sub-lieutenant.


  
I mostly deferred to him; the household resumed its well-oiled status; life settled down. It wasn't exactly super-exciting, but it was good, and predictable, and I discovered that Dan was much better at navigation than I was.

Then out of the blue came my heart attack.  It's funny how these things toss you about a bit and make you think.  I did a lot of thinking back then.  I decided I didn't want to do any more boring or predictable.  I sorted out my shoe collection, and my underwear, and started to read some erotic literature hoping to spice up our sex life a little. And of course, it lead me to that book and to my first ever visit to a sex shop, and the rest is, as they say, history.  

Let's just say I became compliant.  

What a pivotal moment that was.  We both had so much to learn, so much to experiment with.  I had kept such a firm lid on my own nature, that it came as quite a shock, especially to Dan, to discover just how wanton I could be.  

The spanking is really the icing on the cake. 

Sometimes it's hard,




sometimes it's soft,



and sometimes it's unbearably sweet.  



I love it and I hate it, and I find myself completely addicted.

But me submit?  Never.  Ha!

???????????

Wait a cotton-picking minute.  Did I say that at the start of our marriage I was happy to comply with Dan's wishes?  Did I end by stating that I became compliant?  Hmmmm...

submit:  to surrender oneself to another; to yield; to be obedient to another

comply:  to act in accordance with the wishes of another; to yield; to submit

So why is it that I am happy to comply but not happy to submit?  Believe me, whilst I am quite happy to surrender, I am not happy to yield. I am sparky and feisty and I wade happily into a dispute like a Spanish galleon in full sail with all her gun ports open and ready to do battle.  Yet at the same time I am like a fruit sweet with a hard exterior and and a soft interior. A very soft interior.

Not just a pickle but a puzzle!


  
dominant:  prevailing; predominant; overtopping others; occupying a conspicuous position; the fifth note above the tonic

subdominant:  the note next to or immediately below the dominant

Ahhhhh?  Maybe that is what I am?  I am a musical note.  I am a little softer and not quite as loud, but a sympathetic vibration resonating off my dominant. Dan provides the tune, and I provide the harmony.





*******

He leans in, stroking my blush-pink cheeks and tracing the fine lines that define my sit-spots.  I clutch my pillow and my breathing becomes deeper and hitches with anticipation.

I sense, rather than hear, the displacement of air as the bathbrush arcs down full across my bottom, temporarily flattening and pressing into the flesh. Although I have expected it, I gasp with the pain and fist the cotton of the pillowcase.  

"But I did understand you, Dan" I squeak.

The bathbrush lands a second time, then twice more on my left buttock before repeating its action on my right.  It hurts a lot and my eyes are watering.

"All things considered, you did very well", Dan informs me.  "This is just to ensure you keep up the good work, and that you continue to understand."

The bathbrush rises and falls three times each on my sit-spots.  I am sobbing quietly into my pillow and I want to be able to lie still and endure, but it hurts too much so I scissor my legs for all I am worth.  Dan waits a moment, and when I have settled he rains down three more swats across both cheeks.  Then I hear him throw down the bathbrush and he is rubbing my smarting backside.  

I crawl up off his lap and snuggle into his chest, burrowing under his right armpit, and he is hugging me to him.  I cry for a bit, and then he hands me a tissue to blow my nose.

"Time for you to cook my breakfast, old girl," he says, and grins.




I clamber down off the bed and shrug on my robe, then I twist my hair and clip it up on top of my head. I smile back at him.  It feels so good to understand. 

"Aye aye, Sir!" Still grinning, I give him a mock salute.





37 comments:

  1. Oh...my... Reading about your on your knees pouring coffee for the executives, and one of them touches your hair... Holy Hannah, Of everything I've read today, that has got to be the most sensual, seductive scene to stand out in my mind. Thank you so much for sharing this with us, Ami! What a perfect comparison of fantasy and reality.

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    1. Definitely "Holy Hannah". Life was different then. Men gave you wolf whistles and it wasn't strange to get a quick pat on the butt on occasion. They also opened doors and helped you in and out of cars. Sigh. Times have changed. That scene was sensual and seductive but there should've been just the one person present, not a whole group of them. And when I think what short skirts I used to wear! Good grief. LOL!

      Thanks for your comments, Maren.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  2. Very nice. I love your defiitions. It's what I feel, I am not submissive and never will be but I am complaint (well most times anyway).

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    1. meant compliant, I am complaining, though.

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    2. Thanks, Sunny and I am glad you understand. We do things, and have always done, because it comes naturally to us, not because we consciously think about being submissive/compliant. (Most of the time!)

      Complaint? LOL! That, too, sometimes!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  3. wonderful post of how you have grown together through the years. the definitions speak a thousand words. at the end of the day you are you...and you are great :-) hugs

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    1. Thank you, Terps. We have grown together. It hasn't always been easy, but I would hazard a guess that we are now more in harmony than we have ever been.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  4. I learn more about you with each post. Great story of you!
    Meredith

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    1. Thanks, Meredith, glad you enjoyed the post.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  5. You are a very talented writer. Your marriage sounds just lovely.

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    1. Hi Owlsub. I wish! You are very kind!

      I guess it has its ups and downs the same as everyone else's, but spanking has certainly been a "calming" influence.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  6. Hmm...very interesting. First off I think that the word submit or submission really is misused in many relationships I see around 'here'- based on the definitions you provided. I would say a VAST majority of the women I know are more in the complying 'camp;. The part I find interesting is your disagreement to yielding. It is in both definitions. I think yielding and deferring are along the same lines. IMHO. I mean look at the driving analogy- if you come to a yield you allow the other car to go ahead, and then you follow. IF there is another car around that is *wink*
    I am not saying this is you, but many people view submission and suppression in the same light I think. I am NOT a person who is submissive by nature. Not by a LONG shot. I am however a person who is aware of my surroundings and who anticipates the needs of those in those surroundings. I have always been like that. I didn't always 'act' on those observations however throughout our marriage. But I always knew what he needed or wanted. Does that make me a bitch...you bet!

    As Barney likes to remind me, " You do submissive acts. But you Aren't Submissive" LOL...Meh, I'm a work in progress. We will define 'submission' in our own way. I think more or less it is just a catchall phase than anything.

    love
    willie

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    1. I think perhaps we all have our own ideas of what submission should be like - and that's okay, so long as a couple is both TRUTHFULLY happy with it. You see, I have seen 'long' marriages fall apart because the wife couldn't cope with her 'controlling' husband a minute longer. My own daughter suffered immensely for eleven years due to a control freak.

      Around here, I would hope that we all want what we are doing. It isn't something just one person can want and the other person go along with. So perhaps this is why we all have different ideas and approaches to submission/compliance/co-operation/yielding. It has to work for each and every couple.

      Having said that, like you, I have noticed many "small" things that have developed as we travel along our particular road. One of those is that because I would like Dan to become more openly affectionate, I am making a big effort to meet his attempts half way to encourage him, and I have noticed that although he is still rather tentative, there has been a marked improvement. If offering him a 'softer' version of myself is helping this change, then I am happy to try to become softer. It's so complicated isn't it?

      I love your driving analogy. I admit to having an aggressive streak to my driving. LOL! Over here the signs read "Give Way", not yield, and it makes you think of two fighting animals, ie stags, one has to give way sooner or later. But then the road analogy hints that if you don't yield you will be flattened by another car, and probably cause injury or death to others as well as to yourself. In most domestic situations I would hope this wouldn't happen. I would also hate to become a "yes" woman (I hate "yes" men!) as it could lead to complacency and being taken for granted.

      I wonder - and I know it is probably how Dan prefers me - whether Barney secretly likes his wife to have plenty of spark and zest in her character. Taming a little spitfire is never boring and means the husband gets plenty of both fun and exercise. LOL! Well, at least his hand gets a regular workout.

      And no, you are not a bitch, and I'm not betting. You are an energetic and loving wife. So there!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  7. Hi Ami, great post. I don't really define myself as anything . I am just me. I vary from day to day I think. My biggest aim is to please him. I don't think he wants submission really, in our house it seems to be a softer version, less black and white. Today though I was doing some sewing for him ( I am pretty hopeless at this) and I said this is me showing you my submission. We both then giggled. Good luck with your compliance
    love Jan.xx

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    1. Thanks, Jan. I love that you are just you and that you vary from day to day. That way, you are NEVER boring. Sewing as in mending? If so, yuck! Especially sewing buttons on!

      I need luck - thanks.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  8. Ah Ami

    Such a fantastic post. You really are wonderful. I love reading all about you
    and Dan. I learned so much in this post too!

    I don't know I think maybe I AM submissive... too much thinking going on for me today. But the important thing is you found what works for you and Dan.

    Oh and the part where he worried you would leave and then you made love... oh my gosh Ami. I just wanted to cry reading that. Our big strong guys need us don't they? That was a beautiful scene. Thank you for sharing with us.

    love
    sara

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    1. Oh, and Dwayne Johnson... the Rock... so HOT. :)

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    2. Hi Sara, and thanks for your kind comments. We all have our own ideas on the subject don't we? Perhaps I shouldn't analyse things so much, but it's in my nature. It's also in my nature to offer at least a token resistance, and maybe that's the point.

      Dwayne Johnson definitely is HOT!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  9. Hi Ami, great post! You indeed are a puzzle, but then to men, what woman isn't!

    I agree the majority of women in this community who get spanked are not submissive but are voluntarily compliant....and the majority of the men wouldn't want it any other way.

    I have said it before, but just let someone pick on their children and they instantly become raging mama bear's. I have also seen how they come to each others aid if any comrade is in need.

    Such a complex personality trait (wanting to be compliant yet not submissive) can make for an interesting interaction between spouses, but no one can say life is boring!

    Love the Dominant/SubDominant musical terms. So in keeping with musical analogies, y'all keep on harmonizing together and although you might occasionally resonate a discordant interval, making music together is what life is all about and everyone knows......practice makes perfect!!!

    Hugs and Blessings,
    George

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    1. Hi George!

      Yes, negotiating the mind of a woman is like negotiating the Hampton Court Maze.

      Sassy Submission! I think that's what it is. Two horrid things - boredom and monotony. Down with them both!

      Exactly right, when you play out of key, you have to practise more. Ha!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  10. I love this my dear! I too am not submissive...I like to classify myself as a pleaser. Plus I actually respect people who are better at certain things. For instance, being a principal is never going to happen for me. I would agonize over every decision. I follow...'SOMEWHAT'...directions better. I also sometimes do my own thing....
    Like not really following recipes....
    I think it makes life interesting...

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    1. I know all about you NOT BEING SUBMISSIVE, and NOT FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS! Good grief, you as a Principal? Although, actually, if you had that sort of responsibility you would probably be very good indeed. But would you WANT all that responsibility? I know I never wanted it. Too much paperwork for one thing.

      Hope the mixed nut loaf came up to expectations. Was that the one you didn't bother following the directions when you made it? LOL!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  11. I love hearing about the adventure you and Dan have been on. You have really weathered the ups and downs. I like the term co-operative rather than submissive. That seems to fit better. I like anticipating his needs/wants ahead of time.

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    1. Thanks Leah, there certainly have been a good few ups and downs.

      I "borrowed" the term CO-OPERATIVE rather than SUBMISSIVE from Lillie who used to have a blog on here and was absolutely wonderful at helping out when we got stuck or felt we were the only person in the world with a certain problem. But then I realised that whilst I would mostly happily comply with something, I wouldn't always submit. I can't explain it any better. It's just a feeling I get inside. A bolshy feeling.

      To be able to anticipate wants and needs ahead of time seems to me an act of compliance, but not necessarily submission. You are complying with his need for a cup of tea, for example, but not submitting because you haven't been "ordered" to go make one.

      The more I think about it the more complicated it gets.

      Hugs
      Ami

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    2. That makes a ton of sense. If there were something my husband wanted, there's a 99% chance that I'd comply (or at least try hard to) but I don't necessarily feel any obligation to nor would there be consequences (the punishment kind) if I didn't.

      And yes, the more I think about it, the more complicated it gets. I'm trying to wrap my brain around things I haven't ever thought about before. Glad there are all these wonderful people on the internet to help (and to pose even more complicated questions).

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  12. Wonderful post lovely lady. Ya know, I think that words and their definitions are different depending on where you live. Just to name a few: elevator vs lift, bonnet vs hood, biscuits vs cookies. So when I look up the definition of "Yielding", I find the following:
    “Stop resisting - stop opposing or resisting and agree to somebody's demands or requests” ...ummm yea...less painful choice.
    “Pass something on to somebody - to give something up to somebody else or allow somebody else to take over”...most definitely!
    “Not be firm or solid - move or bend under pressure or when force is applied”...bend yup...move...nope...definitely wouldn’t suggest it while force is being applied! LOL

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Thank you, Cat. Linguistics are so funny aren't they? How you can call a tap a faucet, and curtains drapes and a bill a cheque, heaven knows. (Roll of the eyes here!)

      Love the bit about bending under pressure when force is applied. Think that might be applying to me pretty soon. LOL!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  13. Wow this was a great post :) I really can relate to a lot of what you say in this. I would have happily married and let my guy lead from the start, but things didn't work out that way and I picked up the reins and did what I had to do, it changed a lot of things and was needed for our life to go on.

    Am I submissive? No way, not in a million years, do I submit? Now that is a different matter all together. It really does depend on what you see in these two words. I'm not submissive as it's not my nature, but I do chose to submit in many situations. The difference for me is a state of mind or a choice. I chose to do it, because it brings harmony and peace in our life, but I have to make that choice every single day again. Every time a situation arrives I have to renew that choice, yes every single time. Therefore I wouldn't call my self submissive, as that wouldn't be a choice anymore, it would be my character. Am I making sense or just rambling ??

    Does it matter what we call it? If we have to chose a name, doesn't it mean we're making a choice ?

    I really liked your dominat/subdominant explanation, it's very fitting :) I'm glad you put the post back up x

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    1. Thanks, Missy.

      I don't think we would've been in the position to have done TTWD way back at the start even if we had known about it. There were too many other things to cope with. I think we were both a bit emotionally immature at the beginning. It's taken us time and lots of ups and downs to address that little fact.

      I think we all make those choices every day, every hour, every minute. They are what forge our futures. They close off all the side turnings. Choosing to harmonise isn't all that difficult, but sometimes we get out of key and then we falter.

      I will now try to post this again - I lost it once already.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  14. Hi Ami,
    Late as usual...sigh. I thoroughly enjoyed this post and like others have said, we will all define submission differently based on our own situation, experience and filters. Our blogging world here is full of very different women and like you, there is not one ounce of natural submission in me. I'm not proud of it as I really wish it came more naturally. For me in my marriage, the concept of yielding is at the very core of submission. I can make the choice to co-operate (we use that term a lot) or to comply but my heart doesn't need to be fully in it. That doesn't mean I'm some sort of spineless robot, but that there are days when I need to practice complying while my heart catches up. This is often where spanking comes into the picture--it helps with that softening and takes me from outward compliance to inward yielding--not b/c there will be a consequence but b/c I want to yield. For us, it's all about that oneness and understanding, that contentment you felt as you snuggled into Dan's side and then hopped up to make him breakfast. Choosing to lead and yield usually allows us to hold onto that connection for longer than a few moments and I LOVE days like that.

    I wish we got it right more often but no matter, we have lots of time to keep practicing.

    There sure is something about being physically backed into a corner and having to make a choice eh? :)

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    1. Blogger just ate my reply to Missy's comments. Stupid Blogger.

      I think you summed it up when you said that "...my heart doesn't have to be fully in it." I think it is important that for every act of compliance, or if you like, act of submission, we make, that our heart is in it. Now, some of us are going to want or need to make more acts of compliance than others, because we are all different and we all have different aims and objectives in TTWD.

      But I truly believe that the skill lies in inducing our hopes and desires. Making the choices easier for us, if you like.

      And yes, in my case, that quiet word in the kitchen got straight through my stubborn skull. I am what you could call a "challenging wife", Susie. Sigh! - But never a dull moment around here!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  15. Hi Ami,

    Sorry I am late to this. I love this post! Always enjoy reading about you and Dan :)

    Isn't it funny the connotation we put on words, and how we prefer one word over another. I think we maybe use the term submissive in a general way and that submission varies from one person to another ... we all do it our own way and perhaps define it differently. The way it works in our relationship will not be the same as how it works for you for example.

    I haven't read all of the above comments so I apologise if I am repeating. Love the music notes ... oh and Benny Hill LoL

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz, better late than never!

      I think we all have different ways of showing our submission, or varying degrees of yielding, or ways in which we comply. We all have our own ideas, and whilst many overlap, many are individual to each couple - they have to be or we would all be little Stepford Wives, and I can't think of anything more ghastly.

      We must WANT to submit/yield/comply/co-operate or whatever; but we also NEED to be praised, encouraged, enticed, stroked, induced along the path of submission/compliance etc in order for it to work.

      Yeah, good old Benny Hill. If ever there was a politically incorrect person, that was Benny! LOL!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  16. I'm very late. Playing catch up. Wonderful post for so many reasons. I love the sub dominant and harmony, really brought a smile to my musical face.
    Hugs DF

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    1. Sorry, DelFonte, I just found your comment, and thank you. It's just how I look at it, and I know everyone has a different viewpoint, but to me it makes sense. Didn't know you were musical?

      Hugs
      Ami

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  17. Ami,
    Honey, this must be one of my favorite posts in blogland to date. You and I are kindred spirits, it seems.

    I read something very interesting a few years back. An experiment was done with two pianos in the same room, opposite sides. When a chord was played on one piano, within seconds the piano on the opposite side thrummed with the same chord.

    I think...Dan is the first chord. You are the harmony.

    Elisa Xo

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    1. Hi Elisa!!!

      Thank you so much for your kind comments.

      Did you ever read a story called the Crystal Singer? You should. It's not spanking fiction, just Sci Fi, but it discusses how crystals resonate to a sung chord. So you can harmonise with a crystal if you have the voice range, like an opera singer. This was what I was thinking about. Dan and I resonate with each other. When my harmony is 'off' we both feel it.

      Wish I could try the experiment. Anything like that interests me.

      Many hugs
      Ami

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