Sunday 26 January 2014

Spanky Dan(ky)!


Once a month, on a Sunday, we go walking with three other couples. 

Regardless of the weather, we trudge across the countryside negotiating styles, ditches, slippery "plank" bridges, and kissing gates.



We deceive ourselves into thinking we are pioneers and pathfinders discovering ways through the wilderness.

  

The truth is that we rarely walk further than 6 miles, and we always end our walk at a suitable local hostelry and quench our thirsts with something suitably alcoholic (apart from the drivers) and a well-earned two-course lunch, usually from the carvery if there is one.



We've known these friends for years and years.  Our children went to the local schools together, for at least some time in their scholastic careers, and became friends, attending the same birthday parties and discos whilst growing up.

We all have different characters, but we get on well together and chat about all things under the sun as we wander the countryside.

We have a mixture of likes and dislikes, live in an assortment of houses from modern to very old, and we are an assortment of heights, shapes and sizes.

But as far as I am aware, it is only Dan and I who live, shall we say, a slightly different lifestyle to the others, and until now it has never bothered us in the slightest. Still doesn't - only now Dan has realised he needs to be just a tad more careful.

We were out walking last Sunday.  It was a horrid day to begin with - windy and wet, which is beginning to be the norm around here.

  

The footpaths and tracks were flooded or muddy, or both.  Walking was difficult and we were slipping and sliding all over the place.  We were enormously glad when the pub finally hove into view.

We'd left our cars in the car park at the back of the pub.  (We always do circular walks.) We take a change of footwear with us as we wear quite heavy duty hiking boots, and most of us wear waterproof jackets, hats and gloves.  It's a relief to discard all the heavy outerwear and put light shoes on before entering the pub.



There's usually a lot of joshing and banter as we all discuss what we want to drink and what the quality of the meal will be.  

Dan had quickly changed his shoes and jacket and moved away from the back of the car to give me room so I didn't see exactly what happened.  It was whilst travelling home that he told me.

"Blimey, Jen's got a big arse on her these days."

"How can you say such a thing.  No she hasn't."

"She bloody has."

(I could tell that something had got Dan on edge, because he doesn't swear very much at all unless he's angry.  He rarely does in front of me.)

"Well what were you doing looking at her arse?"

"Believe me, it was hard to avoid."



"And?"

"I'd moved away from the car boot to give you a bit of room.  I'd walked over to have a chat with Giles as he was waiting for Jen.  One minute she was standing up, then the next she was bent over untying her shoelaces with her arse stuck right up in the air in front of me.  I nearly fell over her."

He was looking very sheepish.

"It was purely instinctive.  I didn't give it a thought."

"Give what a thought?"  

Horrors!  Please no, not that!"

Dan's voice wavered a bit.

"I lifted my hand up to give her a bloody good spank."

"Oh my goodness!"  Now Dan had every atom of my attention.  "You didn't!"

"It was a very near call, I can tell you.  My hand was high in the air, just at the second before it began its downward arc, when I happened to look up.  John and Giles were watching me completely wide-eyed with horror, John speechless for the first time ever since I've known him.  

"Giles managed to gasp out "I really wouldn't do that if I were you" and turned quite white with dread."

"Good grief.  What did you do?"

"I just managed to come to my senses and stop.  It was awful.  I just wasn't in command of my own actions. My hand had developed a life completely of its own."

Poor Dan.  He was virtually traumatised.  I was in fits of giggling just imagining the situation.  Jen would have had him for breakfast!  Lunch, anyway.  She would've killed him.  She wouldn't have seen the jokey side at all.

"Look what you've done to me," Dan said plaintively. "I've lost the ability to look at a bottom without picturing my hand giving it a good spank."

By this time I was crying with laughter and searching for a tissue to wipe my eyes.

Dan glanced sideways at me.

"I wouldn't have stopped if it had been your bottom in front of me, you know."  He grinned smugly.

I grinned smugly back.

I was thinking that all my friends would say "Welcome to the Club, Dan."

36 comments:

  1. I was hooting out loud here!! I can just imagine the horror of all the men watching Dan raise his hand. Funny thing is they all probably have thought it a time or two...
    Now if it were you....I am sure he is quite truthful and he would not have stopped. Wonder what they all would have said. It has happened here...my guy has often smacked my bum in public.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Apparently the other two men were really concerned Dan's hand was going to connect with her bottom. Heaven only knows what they thought and thank goodness he managed to stop himself. It would have taken a lot of explaining.

      And yes, had it been me, I can categorically state that his hand would have landed, pretty hard.

      Hugs
      Ami

      Delete
  2. Yes, your husband had a most tempting thought, that he sure would have loved to carry it out. Whacking a neighbors bottom, even if it was clothed. I am sure he would have wished her panties were down and could readily see, if she really had such a voluptuous rear end indeed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello Sixofthebest! I am very glad he stopped himself. But he did say he was extremely tempted. I don't have a clue what he was really thinking....don't think I want to. She does have quite a well-rounded derriere.

      Hugs
      Ami

      Delete
  3. So, did Dan manage to joke it off with the fellas? ;-)

    It's kind of sad Giles went white at the possibility. Of course, his consternation may have been at the thought of Jen's reaction to someone other than her husband smacking her tush.

    It's hilarious Dan blamed his near faux pas on you! Lol!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know, Irishey, because he should've gone to football with them Saturday, and he never went because we had our grandson's birthday party to attend. I can only hope they will have forgotten by the time we meet up with them again. I can tell you that Jen would've been pretty furious with Dan if his hand had landed. She is a very dominant lady, and I don't think she would see the joke.

      Oh, I always get blamed. I'm used to it after all these years.

      Hugs
      Ami

      Delete
  4. Poor thing. Thanks for the laugh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was very funny. We still chuckle when we think about it.

      Hugs
      Ami

      Delete
  5. Oh my gosh that is too funny! I was laughing so hard through your story. I wonder what would have happened if he HAD smacked her bum! Hopefully this will all get laughed off by the male friends who saw Dan almost do that! Oh my, so funny!

    I guess it has become second nature for Dan!

    love
    sara

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't dare think what would have happened, and that's the truth. But I don't think she would've been best pleased. I've seen her put her husband in his place many a time! The trouble is that Dan is now beginning to get a little "gung ho" with this spanking lark.

      Hugs
      Ami

      Delete
  6. Hi Ami, Oh that is so funny, I almost wish he had smacked her just to see what the reaction would be. How embarrassing for him that his friends saw him and will her husband tell her nearly happened to her I wonder.
    love Jan.xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It has been one of the funniest events so far. As he said, his hand just automatically lifted ready to spank. Heaven knows whether Giles and John will say anything next time they meet up for football.

      I hadn't even thought about her husband telling her. Oh er!

      Hugs
      Ami

      Delete
  7. Hmmm...very funny story...but could lead to a lot of possibilities.
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It would've led to some very difficult possibilities, Abby! Thank goodness he managed to stop in time.

      Hugs
      Ami

      Delete
  8. Ami,
    Oh, dear! He is a fianny watcher too! I was laughing here half way around the world. I so love those Sunday lunches in your pubs! Fannys grow bigger with each bite!
    Meredith

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Meredith, now you have me laughing uncontrollably once more. I keep telling all my American friends that over here the word "fanny" refers to your "front bottom" (being polite!) and not your rear end!

      Hopelessly giggling!

      Hugs
      Ami

      Delete
  9. Oh, that is funny. You definitely have a convert.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do you think so? I know his hand nearly got him into a spot of bother. I daren't even think about it.

      Still laughing!

      Hugs
      Ami

      Delete
  10. Yes we have a new member of the club for sure. I just love this, but really Dan does need to give you a good spanking for getting him into such a position. Shame on you for corrupting that poor sweet man!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh thanks PK for the suggestion! I know I can always rely on you. Poor sweet man indeed! LOL!

      Hugs
      Ami

      Delete
  11. ROFLMBO! Laughing so hard I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my face. Please tell Dan "thanks for the giggles!" My cats are going crazy because I'm still laughing so hard! How did he play it off the the other guys? I sure did need that!

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I shall be happy to tell Dan that he caused your cats to go crazy, Cat. It certainly was a "classic". I am just wondering what the other guys will say next time they meet up. Could be a bit tricky, I'm thinking. LOL!

      Hugs
      Ami

      Delete
  12. Omg I laughed so much I dropped my phone and had a few people give me funny looks in the supermarket haha had to wait to get home to reply, oh my oh my what have you don't to the poor guy loooooool

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Missy, I am still laughing, because I can imagine exactly how Jen would have batted Dan round the left ear!

      Hope your phone is okay?

      Hugs
      Ami

      Delete
  13. I can see myself in a similar predicament. The hand DOES have a mind of its own at times!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You can, can you? It does, does it?

      Shame on you Foothills!

      LOL! LOL! LOL!

      Hugs
      Ami

      Delete
  14. Too funny. Made me laugh.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  15. Glad you saw the funny side, Ronnie. I certainly did, but I know for sure that Jen wouldn't have.

    Hugs
    Ami

    ReplyDelete
  16. oh dear...lucky for him he stopped it sounds like :-) Hugs Thanks for the smile

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh My Ami, this was so funny, thanks for the laugh. Poor Dan, I too almost wish he had done it to see what the reaction was LoL. Did Jen know what was going on or find out afterwards? I love the reaction of the other guys.

    Is it a hazard of the 'job' for our HoH's ... Suddenly every female bottom appears spankable? LoL

    Hugs,
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am amazed to find that I seem to have opened Pandora's Box. He has suddenly developed this penchant for bottoms. Does this happen to all the spanky men around here, I wonder?

      I am very glad he didn't spank her as she is definitely not a woman to be messed with, and I am not sure she would even begin to see the funny side. Gulp.

      Hugs
      Ami

      Delete
  18. Now Ami, when you write a post like this, you have to warn people not to be eating while reading it, because I almost spewed my tai green chicken curry all over my laptop screen! LOL OH my goodness, I was laughing so hard the Duke made me tell him what I was reading. LOL Love this story, oh, poor Dan, hopefully the men won't hold it against him later. :) You know, if he'd done it to you, they probably wouldn't have thought much of it, a lot of couples give each other smacks on the bottom. :)

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

    ReplyDelete
  19. LOL!LOL!

    (Love Tai green chicken curry!)

    The men haven't mentioned it to him - but I bet they had a good think about it. You are right, they wouldn't have thought a thing about me getting a wop from behind. They know what I am like!

    I know lots of men who give the occasional smack to their wives, but Dan never has, so I actually feel tickled pink that he is feeling more comfortable with the "naturalness" of it. I can remember my dad was always giving my mum a quick swat, but Dan's parents weren't a bit like mine.

    Many hugs
    Ami

    ReplyDelete
  20. LOL...Well our friends ( none of which I know of are Dd) would not think anything of it if Barney smacked one. We aren't very reserved! LOL. In fact a friend of ours once called me a brat ( oh I know right?) and smacked me, I literally FLEW into the other room- ( he's a construction worker-quite strong). His wife's reaction? " Mike you're going to hurt her . Not so hard" Bwahahaa...Not " what did you do? "

    Happy your man is more comfy in his new spanky shoes!
    love
    willie

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hi Willie and I am sorry I am so late in replying. We are about to move and will have no internet for several days right over next weekend.

    I would hardly bat an eyelid if any of our friends swatted me, but the wives are a different ball game altogether. It's just not on their minds that men might enjoy the odd swat, and I think just one friend would actually laugh - the rest would be rather taken aback. All solid English. Whereas my Polish relatives seem rather too spanky at times!

    Wish I had a picture of you "flying from one room to another"!

    I am glad but still a bit in awe as this is all so new to me, ie he is always just giving me the odd swat, and he seems to enjoy surprising me. I never thought in my wildest dreams he would do anything like that. I think perhaps I just need to exercise patience - which is a near impossibility for me. What will be will be.

    Many hugs
    Ami

    ReplyDelete