This is the first part of a series of chronicles, mostly thoughts, incidents and snippets of everyday life in Starsong Land.
We both had various "bugs" over the Christmas period. I am not going into them. We are both better now. But I need to get everything into "context". It helps to explain our interactions. Moods up one day and down another. You know how it can go.
We sat (flumped would be the better word) one evening and the TV was an absolute disgrace. After moaning at length, I suggested to Dan that we watch a film neither of us had seen, but which I had recorded as one of my favourite actresses, Meryl Streep starred in it.
We both mistakenly thought it would be a comedy - funny and easy to watch. Not the case. But the strange thing was that it made quite an impression not only on me, but also on Dan, and we were still discussing it the next morning.
The film was Hope Springs. No doubt you have all heard of it and watched it. Dan and I are pretty hopeless with films. We rarely go to the cinema and prefer to watch them in the comfort of our home, often, as we usually do in the winter, with a roaring log fire, various snacks to nibble, and Dan in his favourite armchair and me on the smaller of the two sofas periodically fanning myself as I begin to get too hot.
We were both completely engrossed by this film, Dan because part of his doctorate was in behavioural psychology and me because part of my masters was in reflective psychology. (Believe me, our household is a funny place!) The reason we were so engrossed was because we saw ourselves in the two main characters. It sums up what excellent actors they are.
I was reminded of when I first approached Dan with the request that he should spank me. But more than that, it reminded us both of how we once were, way back before TTWD; way back before I had read or even heard of Fifty Shades.
There was nothing wrong with our marriage, per se, but frankly, it was often as boring as hell. We were both working full time, the kids were grown up and virtually off our hands, and all the magic had disappeared.
Remember that magic when you first set up home together? Remember the sex and how dynamic and exciting it was?
Remember the little conversations that mostly reverted to verbal foreplay and usually ended up in bed?
I don't remember now why or how it happened, but I most certainly do remember after one notable altercation and makeup, resolving things were going to change, or it would probably be the end of us and our marriage.
Neither of us were to blame, although I think I was the bigger culprit than Dan.
I was bossy, mouthy, full of myself, and I never listened and often interrupted; I was always ready to criticise - Dan or anyone; and as for sex, well, what can I say?! No excitement, no joy, and an eternal headache!
I did a great deal of soul-searching and made up my mind that I needed to initiate change into our lives.
I don't remember what order I did things in, but I went on a diet, had my hair cut and some tiny orange streaks put in it, bought lots and lots of sexy underwear,
and then when we went on holiday I took some cherry flavoured lube and a vibrator.
(I have to mention here that had the picture above been of me, my boobs would've been hanging out all over the place!)
I told Dan we would be having sex every single day, and I would be initiating some memorable action he had probably given up all hope of ever having the pleasure of.
I did my best to carry on at home the same as when we had been away.
We had so many "brown paper packages" arriving at our house that Dan began to get alarmed.
Some of the stuff we tried, and then didn't bother with it again.
Some of the stuff we liked so much we practised hard so we would be better at it. It opened up a whole new world to us, so whilst some of your curl your lips at dear old Fifty, there are some of us who are wholeheartedly thankful the book was written.
And of course - it led me to you!
What came out of watching Hope Springs was the fact that without communication, you are lost.
To learn to communicate with each other, all over again, is like climbing Everest.
It's so difficult to begin, but once you have started, you need to keep plugging away at it, and suddenly you find the going is much easier than you had thought it would be.
Dan says that when I asked him so spank me that first time, he initially thought I had at last gone a bit batty, and then he thought it was a phase and that I would stop wanting it as soon as I realised a spanking could hurt.
He admits that he wasn't at all happy to spank the woman he had been married to for over thirty years. There are still lines he positively will not cross, and I steer away from them without comment. I have learned that when you least expect it, Dan can suddenly change his mind about something.
He absolutely will not restrain me in any way by tying my hands or feet; and he hates using a belt with a vengeance, (despite having used one on at least one very, very memorable occasion!) and loathes the marks a belt makes. (This harkens back to his boyhood when one was used on him by his dad and never forgotten.)
(He has, however, had to hold my hands on more than one occasion to prevent me reaching back and injuring myself.)
Yet he has no problem with most other things, and I know to my peril how much he loves "wood". He ignores the marks made by spoons, paddles, spatulas and rulers. They make no impression on him - just on me!
It's hard telling your fantasies to another person.
You need to trust them 100%. There's nothing worse than having your dreams trampled on. But fulfilling fantasies is not necessarily easy, nor is it something you can do in just a couple of nights/days. It takes time, effort and practice. We are most certainly still a "work in progress", and there are some aspects that we have realised we should have started on twenty years ago!
My fantasy of being spanked has turned into something I am not always madly keen on if you know what I mean? (A dark and meaningful narrowing of the eyes here.)
Dan's fantasy of my sleeping knickerless and mostly nightieless, in the warm weather anyway, is something I have taken a while to get used to, but is now a very pleasurable experience. (He ALWAYS strokes my bare behind when he joins me in bed at night regardless of the hour or whether I am asleep or not.)
Dan has told me that he 'owns' my bottom and likes uninhibited access to it. Hmmm...
Dan has proved that he is much more open to change than the character played by Tommy Lee Jones in Hope Springs.
Thank goodness I realised in time that age is no barrier to making life more exciting, more sexy and above all else, more fun.