Tuesday 21 April 2015

Honesty

Since we started TTWD, I have often read posts where the wife did something really stupid, and then covered it up. She would inevitably end up being upturned and well spanked. 

I would think to myself How on earth could she do something so stupid? If that was me, I would immediately come clean to Dan or I wouldn't do such a thing in the first place. After all, I am a grown woman. Of a certain age. I simply wouldn't act that way.

As Cat would say "Good gravy woman!"

I even think that somewhere in the Bible, might be Proverbs, there is something about a man digging a pit, and then falling into the pit he dug. 

I can tell you. It applies to woman as well.

I am really finding this quite hard to write. I know it is going to take me more than one day to formulate a post about the pit I just fell into.

I was quite pleased with my last post. For the first time ever (EVER!!!) I got Dan to read it. He only made two comments. One was that he thought I wrote just the same way I speak, and the other was that he was a bit astounded that I put pictures of semi naked women on my posts. Apart from that, he was quite happy with it, but has declined my invitation to read all my posts. Still, a small milestone has been reached. (He even read everyone's comments!)

The other evening I was on the phone to a friend "across the pond" and we were talking about loads of different things. The subject of Outlander came up and she explained how I could "watch" the spanking scene as someone had posted the video.


I had heard various reactions to it on the blogs, and from my own daughter, but was anxious to watch it myself. As it happened, I was only able to watch it on a very small screen and without sound, so frankly I was not amused, as I needed to hear their discussion and also hear the reaction of the other men present.


I have read the scene several times in the book and haven't yet made up my mind about whether she should have been spanked or not. Sometimes I think she should, and then I become contrary and side entirely with her and would've bitten not only Jamie's wrist, but several other bits of him as well. 

However, I digress.

Something happened on Friday morning that has led to a spanking of epic proportions in my own household. 

Had I read about it on someone else's blog, I would have thought the woman incredibly stupid. So I don't mind one bit if you want to accuse me of stupidity. I accuse myself of stupidity!!! And before you start to worry - I didn't fall into a deep, fast-flowing stream, nearly drown, get hooked out by the baddie, and then nearly get raped by him. My fall from grace was entirely different, but one which perhaps one or two of you may be more familiar with.

On Friday morning I had a letter from my bank.

It contained my monthly bank statement. I often don't even bother to look at these pieces of paper any more. After all, I no longer have a salary going in, am not liable for taxation, and rarely spend a great deal on myself. (Note the 'rarely' here.)

However, something caught my eye. I looked again. All my worst fears were realised. I was overdrawn. Terribly, incredibly overdrawn. Mammothly!

I checked through my statement from top to bottom, and flinging pieces of paper in the air burrowed through the heap on my desk till I located the previous statement. Horrors!

I had been overdrawn last month too.

I remember screwing my eyes up against the sun and trying to see my bank balance in one of those stupid hole in the wall machines. Unfortunately for me, what I had thought to be a healthy bank balance, must have had a little minus sign in front of it. Certainly my previous bank balance, and now my latest bank balance showed those little minus signs all the way through.

I sat with my heart racing. This hasn't happened to me since I was about 30 and my sister in law took me on a very dangerous shopping trip. I remember only too well how incandescent with rage Dan became when I asked him to bail me out, and how we had an argument of epic proportions that raged on for nearly a week. 

I felt sick just thinking about it all. What on earth was I going to do? Dan would go ballistic.


I sat and had a good cry and then decided that I would need to think about the situation for a day or two. Little did I realise what a horrible night I would have. I just tossed and turned and wept silent guilty tears all night. By morning I was completely wrung out. I couldn't understand why I was feeling like this.

I badly wanted to sit and tell Dan all about it, behave in a reasonable fashion, ask him to bail me out, and give him a firm assurance that I would repay him as soon as I could. But I was scared of his reaction. Dan does not suffer fools gladly

Maybe you think Dan is an old skinflint. (I believe his daughter has called him this on occasion, but only when he has refused to indulge her unnecessarily.) Alas, Dan is the furthest from a skinflint you could want. He has been generous with me all our married life. I suppose, thinking about it, he has spoilt me rotten. Apart from a few things, my money has been my own to do with as I wished. I suppose I simply paid for the icing on the cake which enhanced both our lives and gave us extras like short holidays to interesting places etc. And now here was I, only eighteen months into retirement, and very much overdrawn on my personal account.

Due to not having slept, I was up at the crack of dawn. I crept downstairs leaving Dan snoring softly with a happy, content look on his face. I knew that wouldn't be there much longer. He was going to be so angry with me.

I arrived back upstairs and drew back the curtains on a beautiful sunny morning. The squirrels were pulling my bird feeder apart for the millionth time, the moorhens were fighting a duel on the lawn, and the swallows had arrived and were soaring overhead. Idyllic.


I had reached the stage where I felt disorientated and dizzy with anxiety. When we chatted as we drank our morning drinks, I was only half listening to what Dan was talking about. I felt so miserable. When I had finished my coffee I almost lay back down and curled up again.

But I knew in my heart what I had to do.

I got up and walked across to the drawer where we keep our things. Even then, I was too much of a coward to select anything other than the rose paddle. I brought it back and handed it to Dan.

"But I only spanked you the other day."

This is Dan all over. He just cannot come to terms with the fact that he is allowed to spank me around the clock if he wants to. He is so careful. I do love him for it, but when I read how many times some of you get spanked, there is a little envy in me.

I heaped up some pillows and lay over them but right next to Dan, so he had easy access. I still hadn't said anything to him. My throat seized up and I just couldn't. I think I told him I needed a little extra. I really can't remember. Luckily he didn't need too much urging, and started to spank with his hand.


"You do seem a bit tense" he remarked, spanking away. He was using both hands at the time. Maybe access was too easy! His hands are hard and capable, and these days he can go for ages without them feeling the burn. My bottom, however, does feel the burn.

Then I felt the paddle come down on my right cheek fairly hard. I burst into tears. 

Once those flood gates were opened, I couldn't stop. I just got louder and louder.

I will give Dan his due; he didn't waver a single bit. Bless him, he thought he was doing me good. 

"Let it all come out" he said. "Let it all come out." 

(Golly, I never thought he would ever say anything like that. Perhaps there is hope for us yet.)

The spanking got harder and harder. I tried not to kick. I deserved it so badly. Dan eased off and stroked my back for a bit. He was beginning to get a little nervous. He started up again and gave me about ten more, very hard, then stopped. He told me afterwards that he was getting an inkling that things weren't right.

I went into sobbing mode and couldn't have stopped if world war three broke out. Dan went from nervous to alarmed. His stroking became full scale rubbing and massaging. 

"You don't want more, surely? I've bruised you; I don't want to damage you."

I howled even louder.

"You don't know what I'm crying about" I managed to get out between trying not to choke to death.


So the whole miserable story came out, bit by horrid bit. Dan listened and didn't interrupt apart from to ask me "How much?" I could feel him gulp as I told him.

Now this is where perhaps you think he should have grabbed me over his knee and sallied forth once more with the paddle? This is where, surely, a wife should receive a barn burner? This is where she gets the lecture to end all lectures? Where she is told how disappointed her husband is in her?

Not a bit of it.

"I am so glad you didn't try to hide this from me; that you told me all about it," Dan said. "I'm not very pleased with you, but we can look at your bank statements together and I can help you sort it all out. You're just going to have to be extra careful for a couple of months and discuss any expenditure with me first. It's not the end of the world." I could hear pride and an HOHiness that I had not heard previously in his voice.

I think I howled even harder when he said all this.

Eventually I got up and washed my face, blew my nose and brushed my hair and sat back in bed. We discussed the situation a bit more, then I was well cuddled and loved. I went down and cooked a traditional full English breakfast.


It was as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, although I sat on a cushion and couldn't even bear to wear knickers till after midday.

But with this spanking came a very real understanding of the word Honesty. I now know why it is such an important part of Dd. Honesty is a key element in a strong and lasting marriage. Deception whittles away at the mortar and and can cause the foundations to crumble. 

I had thought Dan would be furious with me and although he wasn't exactly happy, he chose to keep calm and to discuss how, together, we can ensure this won't happen again. He understood I was giving him that paddle for a reason, but at the time he didn't know what that reason was. I wonder if that was why the spanks were so much harder than usual? Sort of in anticipation? It has been a salutary lesson to me. I shan't forget any of it in a hurry.

The way we do TTWD, works for us. When we started out, I had no idea whatsoever where it would lead us. All I can say, is that it keeps getting better and better.




32 comments:

  1. Ami,
    Oh, sweetie! That sounds like you were harder on yourself than Dan was. I am glad you chose honesty even it is meant an epic spanking.
    We do not separate our money ever. We co-minlge every dime. However to use your money for the icing sounds wonderful. Dan bailed you out, spanked you hard proving ttwd works like a charm.
    Sit gently, love that man sweetly,
    Meredith

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    1. We have never 'co-mingled'. Mostly Dan just takes care of everything. It's just the way we have always done things from the start possibly because of the parity in our earnings. But I just love to provide lots of little 'extras', and I haven't yet come to terms with not earning.

      I have felt so much better since we discussed all this. Honesty is truly the best policy. That man reads me like a book so I am very relieved I came clean. LOL!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  2. Hi Ami, :) Gosh I think that this is a beautiful example of how well TTWD can work. It is like this "dance" that you are now doing- tuning into each others needs, and working through together, in loving ways... spanky and all. Really good stuff!

    And you are right- honesty is key. You thought about it, knew what you had to do, brought him that rose paddle (good choice there, Lady ;)), and he helped you. It all helped the both of you come together to deal with fixing the thing. And he made you feel better, with promise to look at it with you and fix the bank stuff. You got the spanking that helped you. Somehow Dan knew what you needed before you even told him about the details.

    I say kudos to you both! So well handled, and most loving too! TTWD is responsible for so much growth I believe. And still at our ages, we continue to grow and learn. I feel that in some ways, with Rob and me, we have grown up because of it all. Very funny as getting spanked is completely opposite of that which one would associate with growing up! LOL! I do think that perhaps as we get older and wiser, we can see it all more clearly.

    Sorry you went through all of that. You didn't do it on purpose you know! And Dan knows it. "It keeps getting better and better." Yes it does!!!! Isn't it wonderful??? Great post! Many hugs and love,

    <3 Katie

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    1. I think TTWD is like an octopus. It reaches out in all directions and sometimes takes us by surprise.

      Thank you so much for your kind comments.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  3. I know it had to be hard but what a beautiful ending. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. LOL - yes it was! But much needed, and now I feel so much the better for it.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  4. Ami,

    I hope you are forgiving yourself as Dan has. I usually carry the guilt around with me for a while. On behalf of many of us in a ttwd marriage, I want to say how very proud I am of you for bravely walking toward him, instead of away in self-preservation.

    Hugs,
    Kathy

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    1. Yes, I do still feel a little guilty, but we are sorting it all out and I know it will be fine. I have learned my lesson though. I shall be much more careful in future and less frivolous!

      Thank you for your kind comments.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  5. I still struggle with honesty. I always end up telling Gabe, but sometimes I carry the guilt a bit too long.

    I agree that ttwd just keeps getting better and better.

    Megan

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    1. I wish I had told Dan about things much sooner instead of simmering away all night, but the spanking did me the world of good and has definitely made me think about how good TTWD really is.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  6. This is exactly how well TTWD works, wonderful Ami.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    1. I suppose I had never really thought about the 'honesty' factor before. It has been a salutary lesson to me. The guilty conscience nearly did me in.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  7. SO happy for you Ami! I think you were pretty hard on yourself, but maybe you needed that clean slate in order to move on, and that is what's so great about ttwd! Glad it keeps getting better and better!

    Hugs

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    1. It did me good to be hard on myself. And the paddle being hard on my posterior did me good as well. LOL! It's good to know TTWD keeps getting better.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  8. Ami - this is such a wonderful example for all of us to follow. I agree that honesty is absolutely crucial in a marriage. Without it, we wouldn't be able to have this amazing depth of intimacy - and the sweetest of sweet marriages. I'm so happy for you and Dan - how this went and how it keeps getting better.
    And envious of others? My dear friend, you get tons more spankings than I do, lol. But I do understand - we spankos always do crave more. ;)
    hugs,
    Cali

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    1. I had always thought of myself as an honest person, but being an honest wife can sometimes be a much harder thing. Before, I would have probably argued till the cows came home. I am so glad I was truthful on this occasion.

      Thank you for your kind comments.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  9. Oh sweet Ami...sorry you had such a muck up with your account. Woman! You are not stupid! Just a tad bit careless. So very proud of you for being honest...feels great doesn't it. Love the way Dan responded...such a lovely example of how well TTWD can enhance a relationship.

    BTW...call yourself stupid again and I will be finding a way to track down Dan and tell him you need a barn burner!

    Hugs and blessings...
    Cat

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    1. It was hard to be honest. I never thought it would be till now. But I am glad I was. I really messed up big time.

      Thanks, Cat.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  10. Oh Ami (and Dan), never mind, it wasn't as if you did it on purpose, mind you I bet you scrutinise those bank statements a bit more closely in future. You weren't stupid either, just a bit blonde....
    I am wondering now if this is why all our accounts are joint ones. I read this post to John this morning as we sat in bed drinking our coffee, he thought it very entertaining. I hope you are okay now. I think you felt bad because of ttwd, prior to this maybe you would have not felt so guilty, shows it is all working fine :). Dan did a fine job!
    love Jan,xx

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    1. "A bit blonde...!!!" Thanks dear friend! (Maybe this once - a lot blonde.)

      Because of running our own business our finances have always been extremely complex, so it was wise to have my own bank account. Apart from that, all our accounts are in joint names, but I have no need to access them on a regular basis apart from the general grocery shopping. The last thing I want is to have my pension taxed! LOL!

      It is true, though, that prior to TTWD I would definitely have kept it from him and ended up having a big row when it all went tits up, as it would ultimately have done. So it DOES show it is all working fine. I wouldn't have believed it if you had tried to explain it to me several years ago. A pity more people don't know about it!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  11. Oh Ami, I'm so sorry you went through this. Good on you for Being honest with Dan. He handled the situation so well. As the others have said, a beautiful example of ttwd at work. I love how Dan read you, knew something wasn't right and gave you what you needed and how you talked and worked through it together in a loving manner. Good on both of you!

    I think you were harder on yourself, and you are definitely not stupid! ... wot Cat said :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. He reads me like a book. I am one of those people who find it very difficult to lie. Sometimes I exaggerate, but everyone knows for sure when I am doing that, too. At least it was all sorted out, thankfully.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  12. Reading this, I had several profound things to say, but the bottom line is that taking the problem to him was the right decision and he handled the situation very well. And you are channelling Cat if you're thinking of "barn burners"... :D

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    1. I am so glad I did, Christina. And very glad it worked out the way it did. And yes, all Cat does is inform me that I need a "barn burner". Ha!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  13. Oh Ami.... I hear you on every single point. The emotion....the self flagellation, and guilt of epic proportions....sigh. You handled it perfectly. The spanking helped both of you. In reality the phrase confession is good for the soul can be so true!
    I recently had a forgetful moment regarding expiration of my drivers license. I was nervous about sharing...since it is something I knew would upset him. he was adamant I do it in a timely manner or else....I was quite quick about it. Of course I also had a friend lecture too!

    TTWD just the way each person needs!

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    1. Your driver's licence! Good grief! (As an aside here, Dan got done for speeding the other day! Ha!) What brought it all home to me was the way the weight of worry just dissolved; lifted from my shoulders. I honestly thought he would paddle me till my butt decided to take a walk in an easterly direction, but instead he listened, sympathised and offered help.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  14. must be a wonderful feeling to have the heavy weight of guilt lifted...you both worked so nicely together to resolve the situation...
    hugs to you

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    1. It sooo was. I am very glad I decided to own up about my overspending. The situation was resolved in the best possible way. It's just a case of gradually paying the overdraft back now, which isn't easy, but at least doable. Thanks.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  15. Ami, I have been reading your blog for many weeks now. In fact, when your writing first caught my fancy, I went back and started from the beginning. That way I feel I understand how you and Dan have evolved in your roles. This is the first time I have commented, though.
    It seems that every couple's "ttwd" dynamic is different. I am learning that I shouldn't compare Sam and I to any other couple. We have created our own version of ttwd and marriage for that matter, because we are each unique. And together, we have to grow in a way that gives love and fulfillment to BOTH of us. I never expected that Sam would change as much as I have.
    Ella

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    1. Hello Ella! I am so pleased you have stopped by to comment. If you need to email me about anything - please do so. I had to take down some of my earlier posts because I was very much troubled by "trolls" and it's a shame as there are now "steps" missing from our journey.

      When we first started, I compared Dan and I to everyone else - all the time! I thought there was some list of instructions that we had to follow, even down to the way I was spanked. It seems silly looking back at it.

      I think the very most important thing is that when you are first starting out, you don't 'force' your husband in to the way 'you think things should happen'. Let him know the facts, and how you feel and why you are feeling that way - then let him do it his way. It will involved a great deal of patience and tolerance on your part, but will be worth it in the end. I remember at one point thinking that Dan completely understood it all - and then becoming very fed up and disillusioned for a while as I always seemed to have to prompt him. When I finally realised that my continual prompting was "topping from the bottom", I did my best to keep quiet and just carry on as normal. Suddenly Dan started to wear the HOH hat more and more, as if trying it for size. Now I find I am living without thinking about what I do and say (for the most part), Dan is watching and listening all the time, and he spanks when he deems necessary, or just adds different types of spanks to our weekly or bi-weekly 'maintenance/reaffirmation/re-sets/whatever you like to call it' sessions. In fact, I get spanked for discipline very, very rarely. So when I do, it makes a great impression, in more ways than one. LOL.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  16. I love this account of ttwd and how it works at your house. What a wonderful resolution to a difficult situation.

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    1. Thank you so much for dropping by to comment, Sub Esq. I have to tell you that I never thought this sort of situation would ever happen to me, but it has taught me how far we have come and placed an emphasis on 'trust' that wasn't there before.

      Hugs
      Ami

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