Tuesday 22 January 2013

Dancing Down the Road

It's late, and usually I am in bed by this time, but Starman is away and I miss him.  I couldn't sleep very well last night.  I was cold and once or twice I rolled over, and he wasn't there.  I've never before missed him so much.  And over the years he was often away more than at home.  In fact for three years, he lived away half across the country and only came home at weekends.  In that time I grew so very independent.  I was very busy holding down a teaching job, ferrying our young children to school, supervising building work being carried out to our dear old farmhouse, exercising the horses as often as I could find time.  The list was endless.  It wasn't a particularly good time.  I would look forwards to him coming home on a Friday night, and inevitably by bedtime we were arguing and at odds with each other.  I had been in control all week, and there was no way I was going to stand down for anyone.  I wouldn't give an inch.  It got so bad that eventually he decided to come home mid week, on a Wednesday night, and I think that was what saved us.

I've always quite liked it when he's gone away on business.  I could always get on with things without interference and interruption.  I could eat what I liked and go to bed when I liked without caustic comments about fattening foods, or the lateness of the hour.  I laugh to myself when I think about it.  

Because right now all I want is him back here, at home, with me!  

Dd has done something to my brain.  It has whirled it around inside and shaken things up.  Or perhaps it's my heart?  

All I know is that we were once like two people joined by a length of rope.  All we ever did was to pull in opposite directions.  If we ever got nearer, it was only in passing as we rushed past each other to pull away once more.  A strange dance of distance.  Of disharmony.

Now at last we are dancing like this:


I'm not terribly good at it.  There seem to be so many steps to learn, and the tempo keeps changing, and I occasionally I trip over his feet!  But he has his arm around me, his hand pressed into the middle of my back, and he is clasping my hand tightly in his.  We are dancing a very slow Waltz.  Around us are other couples.  Some of them are doing the Tango, and some are doing the Quick Step.  Some are even getting themselves into a Twist.

And we are watching them as if in slow motion.  We didn't begin to dance together until a little while ago.  I am a little confused by it all and it shows on my face.  Starman is moving me around the floor in a very confident fashion, (he's always been a very good dancer), and I have discovered that so long as I don't try to lead him, I don't get tangled up as much as when we first began.  The dance is beautiful and romantic, and it doesn't matter that we don't yet know the twiddly bits that many of the other couples are performing.  

I don't need a dance card, because Starman won't relinquish his hold on me.  I don't need to  follow in the same direction as other couples, because Starman is guiding me in his way.  I don't need to worry about our Waltz getting faster or becoming another dance completely.  Because if Starman wants to go faster I know he will do it slowly and surely, so that I am able to follow him and not get left behind.  And if he should fancy a Rumba or a Cha Cha, he will teach me the appropriate steps and variations, so there will be no need to worry about not getting it right.  And if I should try to tug away or try to spin instead of circle, I know he will gently pull me back in and correct my steps, ensuring that any forward motion is constant.

The rope that was always either tangled or at full stretch, is now firmly wound around our two bodies.  It is not tight enough to cause either of us discomfort.  But it binds us firmly and irrevocably together, its fibres as strong as titanium bands.

I still don't understand the emotions that flow through us both.  I still haven't fully reached the stage where I am completely compliant and vulnerable.  He still hasn't fully reached the stage where he realises that he is once again leading this dance.  

But once again, after half of a lifetime, we are dancing in comfortable harmony with each other.  I am gradually relaxing into him and relying on his strength to lead.  We are finally moving together, instead of moving apart.


23 comments:

  1. This is absolutely beautiful....love the image of the couple dancing....it is perfect :)

    You are so right...no need to follow what anyone else is doing....let your man lead you down the path he chooses.

    Ryan used to work overnights....and I too looked forward to that time. Over the years...our mattress developed two indentations from our body imprints...with a little ridge separating the two of us. Over the last (almost) year....that barrier is gone...and I fall asleep every night tucked under his arm...so perfect!

    I am so happy for you both....things sound so, so good in your little corner of the world!

    ~Lucy

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    1. Things are pretty good here Lucy. I love the analogy about the ridge down the middle of the bed! Starman gets very hot at night and although we start off with legs etc draped, we end up moving apart for self preservation! I have always had a habit of leaving my right leg outside the duvet. Occasionally I leave a lot more of me outside the duvet, and then I just hope no-one ever comes in to our room unexpectedly because they would come face to face with something that is definitely not the moon!

      Hugs,

      Ami

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  2. Great post! I'm happy for you . Funny how quickly things can change.

    Love
    Willie

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    1. I'm not sure things have changed per se. But I am adjusting and becoming more accepting of how this will be, and how long this will take.

      Hugs,

      Ami

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  3. Oh Ami this was such an awesomely lovely post. Your analogy is excellent and since I'm very visual, it really appeals to me. Keep dancing, you're safe with your Starman and will be back in his arms soon.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Thanks Cat dear. The feeling I get is one of warmth and safety. I can't explain it. I never thought I was capable of feeling this way.

      Hugs,

      Ami

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  4. Oh Ami, My husband used to travel, It's hard when they leave, but hard when they get back.
    The difficulty of doing it all alone and then they come back and....well I understand.
    I much prefer when we are together happily enjoying our life now.
    I love that you are so happy in this dance!

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    1. It's so much easier isn't it Minelle, when they are at home with us. And a relief to leave decision-making in their capable hands.

      It's only now that I can appreciate what a weight Starman is taking off my shoulders. And that is because I am trusting him with that weight!

      Hugs,

      Ami

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  5. Ami, I so love this post. The dance analogy is wonderful and I love the picture. You are quite right. Starman is leading your dance and leading it his way. Perfect. No need to follow the same dance steps as others.

    I'm so happy for you. Things seem to be going well.

    Sorry he is away. Separation is so much harder because of the closer connection that comes with TTWD. I hope he is back soon and that the time goes quickly.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thanks Roz,

      I love Arte Nouveau best, but Arte Deco is my next favourite. I love all glittery things too. I suppose I am a "pocket romantic". Things are going well, he's home now. I can't believe how much closer we are these days.

      Hugs, Ami

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  6. What a beautiful analogy Ami! I love the dance and while everyone is different we all seem to slowly get our heads and our hearts on the same page.

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    1. Thanks Susie!

      Yes, the heads and hearts on the same page is difficult, but I'm beginning to think it's achievable.

      Hugs,

      Ami

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  7. Beautiful way to describe what's going on.
    When he is away, it feels like part of yourself is away.

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    1. A big part of myself Bas. I never before realised what a big part of myself it was.

      I'm a bit like a ship without a rudder. I am perfectly capable of crafting my own rudder, but I prefer these days, to use his!

      Hugs,

      Ami

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  8. I love this!!! It's a perfect description. So glad you guys are getting into a good rhythm. :) hopefully his time away goes by quickly for you.

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    1. Oh Elle, I'm so glad he is now back! We may be doing this slow and stately dance, but we are together, and we are doing it in the same direction as everyone else!

      Hugs,

      Ami

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  9. Very nice post! I felt the same about my husbands travel pre and post Dd. it went from being a nice break to a painful separation. The price we pay for our intimacy?
    I'll pay it, but it IS hard!

    Sara

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    1. It's a good price though isn't it? I'll gladly pay it with interest! I'm just glad that it's only a couple of days a month, and not for weeks on end like it used to be.

      Hugs,

      Ami

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  10. Very nice post! I felt the same about my husbands travel pre and post Dd. it went from being a nice break to a painful separation. The price we pay for our intimacy?
    I'll pay it, but it IS hard!

    Sara

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    1. Sara you appeared twice, so please see above for my reply.

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  11. Hi Ami, I know exactly what you mean. I am a ballroom dance teacher and This is exactly what its like. I love both dancing and ttwd,We are definitely doiung the rumba in this house ( the dance of love don't you know) :) AS Brucie says Keep dancing, or in our case keep ttwding love Jan.x

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    1. Jan that's great. Rumba hmmmmm!!! Prefer the Tango myself! Or the Lambada!! Now there's a dance for you!!! How exciting to be a dance teacher! Help! I hope you aren't my Burlesque teacher?!!!! I think I'm the oldest in the class, and I wobble on my high stillettoes!

      Hugs,

      Ami

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