Reading all your comments and emails, I feel totally inadequate. Each time new ones are added I read them out to Starman. I have tears and a lump in my throat, and he leans into me and gives me the warmest touch of a kiss on my mouth. And he doesn't avoid my eyes, he looks straight into their stormy depths.
Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. We don't know what else to say. We both have bellies full of rocks. Pray for us especially that we receive good news on Thursday.
One or two friends have suggested I might like to post as a means of catharsis. I don't feel very cheerful right now, and yesterday afternoon and this morning I felt a huge build up of anger. I wanted to rip everything down in my path. Instead I angrily emailed some of my friends here in blogland. I was like a raging grizzly bear. But instead of shooting me down, they replied, speaking soothingly to me, and now I feel sufficiently in control to try to talk a little.
I do hope I won't upset, offend, disrespect, maim, murder or slay anyone. It's really not in my nature to behave in such a way. But I don't seem to be in control at this time. It's as if an angry spirit is in my body instead of me.
The idea of 'collars' has always intrigued me.
For my 21st birthday, my then boyfriend, a certain Starman with attitude, collared me.
Of course, we did not know the significance of such a thing, nor did we know the words 'to be collared'. He simply gave me a beautiful silver pendant with a pearl placed right in the middle. He asked me to wear it for him, as a symbol of his love.
I wore it avidly, every single day, never even taking it off for bath, shower, swimming or any sporting activity. I loved the symbol of the pearl for tears, and how the circle reminded me of his arms around me, keeping me safe.
I wore it on our wedding day. Although it was hidden by the high neck of my wedding dress, (yes, we covered up to get married in those days, our charms being kept for our husbands!) I knew it was there, and I was happy to wear it.
Somewhere along the years I stopped wearing my pearl each and every minute. Instead, it was relegated to my jewel case to be brought out on special occasions only. I remember the last time I wore it on a daily basis. We were building sandcastles on the beach with our children, when I realised my pearl was missing. The pendant was 'empty'! There followed a frantic search of the sand and the blanket we were lying on. Towels were carefully shaken out, and we were all on our hands and knees combing the surrounding area.
Sadly I supposed I had lost it whilst swimming. The glue keeping it in its setting had weakened over the years, and the pearl had slid loose. I was desolated and inconsolable. How stupid to have worn it under such circumstances! Anyone with half a brain could have told me that such an accident was inevitable!
Yet... later than day, when we had walked back the few yards to our hotel room, and I was peeling off a damp and sandy swimsuit, I heard a little 'ping'. And my pearl dropped out of the shelter of my bosoms, and on to the floor.
I gathered it up in such delight! I was happy and relieved in equal measure!
And so never again have I dared to tempt fate!
But you know? I received another outward sign, or token of ownership. Another beautiful proclamation of love. It's something I have never wondered about until now. Something absolutely amazing. When we say all our vows, when the words obey, honour, love, cherish are said, we add something further to it. "With this ring..." I repeat, "With this ring!"
The day we married Starman placed this on my finger for the world to see.
This is my symbol of being a wife. This is my symbol of Starman worshipping me with his body. Of looking after me and sharing his worldly goods with me. Of owning me!
And I was thinking.
How could I not be proud of such an ownership? How could I not want to love, respect and obey him with every fibre of my being?
It is all I want.