Sunday 3 February 2013

Symbols

Reading all your comments and emails, I feel totally inadequate.  Each time new ones are added I read them out to Starman.  I have tears and a lump in my throat, and he leans into me and gives me the warmest touch of a kiss on my mouth.  And he doesn't avoid my eyes, he looks straight into their stormy depths.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.  We don't know what else to say.  We both have bellies full of rocks.  Pray for us especially that we receive good news on Thursday.

One or two friends have suggested I might like to post as a means of catharsis.  I don't feel very cheerful right now, and yesterday afternoon and this morning I felt a huge build up of anger.  I wanted to rip everything down in my path.  Instead I angrily emailed some of my friends here in blogland.  I was like a raging grizzly bear.  But instead of shooting me down, they replied, speaking soothingly to me, and now I feel sufficiently in control to try to talk a little.

I do hope I won't upset, offend, disrespect, maim, murder or slay anyone.  It's really not in my nature to behave in such a way.  But I don't seem to be in control at this time.  It's as if an angry spirit is in my body instead of me.

The idea of 'collars' has always intrigued me.  

For my 21st birthday, my then boyfriend, a certain Starman with attitude, collared me.  

Of course, we did not know the significance of such a thing, nor did we know the words 'to be collared'.  He simply gave me a beautiful silver pendant with a pearl placed right in the middle.  He asked me to wear it for him, as a symbol of his love.


I wore it avidly, every single day, never even taking it off for bath, shower, swimming or any sporting activity.  I loved the symbol of the pearl for tears, and how the circle reminded me of his arms around me, keeping me safe.

I wore it on our wedding day.  Although it was hidden by the high neck of my wedding dress, (yes, we covered up to get married in those days, our charms being kept for our husbands!) I knew it was there, and I was happy to wear it.

Somewhere along the years I stopped wearing my pearl each and every minute.  Instead, it was relegated to my jewel case to be brought out on special occasions only.  I remember the last time I wore it on a daily basis.  We were building sandcastles on the beach with our children, when I realised my pearl was missing.  The pendant was 'empty'!  There followed a frantic search of the sand and the blanket we were lying on.  Towels were carefully shaken out, and we were all on our hands and knees combing the surrounding area.

Sadly I supposed I had lost it whilst swimming.  The glue keeping it in its setting had weakened over the years, and the pearl had slid loose.  I was desolated and inconsolable.  How stupid to have worn it under such circumstances!  Anyone with half a brain could have told me that such an accident was inevitable!

Yet... later than day, when we had walked back the few yards to our hotel room, and I was peeling off a damp and sandy swimsuit, I heard a little 'ping'.  And  my pearl dropped out of the shelter of my bosoms, and on to the floor.  

I gathered it up in such delight!  I was happy and relieved in equal measure!

And so never again have I dared to tempt fate!

But you know?  I received another outward sign, or token of ownership.  Another beautiful proclamation of love.  It's something I have never wondered about until now.  Something absolutely amazing.  When we say all our vows, when the words obey, honour, love, cherish are said, we add something further to it.  "With this ring..."  I repeat, "With this ring!"


The day we married Starman placed this on my finger for the world to see.

This is my symbol of being a wife.  This is my symbol of Starman worshipping me with his body.  Of looking after me and sharing his worldly goods with me.  Of owning me!

And I was thinking.  

How could I not be proud of such an ownership?  How could I not want to love, respect and obey him with every fibre of my being?

It is all I want.

For ever.

31 comments:

  1. Ami, You're scared, stunned, and yes, of course you're angry. It's all part of dealing with trauma. All you can do is accept that you feel what you do, and try to allow these feelings to flow through you as they need to. If you can't write here, maybe you can write for yourself privately. And if you cant do that. at least keep talking to Starman and let him keep talking to you. You have each other. Hold on, and I pray you hear good news on Thursday!

    Sara

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    1. The trouble is that now the anger has drained away somewhat, I am feeling guilty. It's so easy to let anger take you over. I really don't want to be angry and hurtful towards anyone, and I'm scared that sometimes I do so.

      When I was a teenager my art teacher once threw the wastepaper bin across the classroom. I looked up in horror. And she told me "I'm always careful where I throw it - and I always feel so much better afterwards. I can put my 'all' into that wastepaper bin, and never hurt its feelings!"

      Maybe I need a wasterpaper bin too!

      Many hugs and thanks,

      Ami

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  2. I will be praying for you both, most especially on Thursday.
    It isn't important so much how you let your feelings out - just that you do. No one here would think for an instant that you set out to hurt anyone, sweetie, just to unburden your heart so you can be there for your Starman.
    This blogging community often fills that role for each other, as sounding board or just as people who care.
    Sending positive thoughts and many prayers for Thursday and always
    hugs
    lillie

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    1. This waiting time is so horrid! And yet I dread the findings of the scan, and I dread the choices we are then going to have to make. I had a look on a prostate cancer forum and it scared the socks off me. I would rather volunteer to trial any implement you care to suggest than read any more of that scary stuff. Suddenly a good old-fashioned spanking is what I long for. And Starman is away for a couple of days keeping busy. So that is a good thing. It's just that here I am on my own all evening, and suddenly I don't know what to do to be doing!

      Many thanks for all your support Lillie and Ian. How're the deer? Wish I could come and take a ride out your way western style. I don't know how as I've only ever ridden with an English saddle, but I would be willing to learn. To have a good long gallop - now that's what I need. But Starman wouldn't be happy in case I fell off. I haven't ridden for eleven years now.

      Oh well. I can dream.

      Many hugs to you both,

      Ami

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  3. Sweet Ami -

    You have every right to be angry and it is much better to get it out in 'angry' emails and posts than to hold it in. Lillie said it beautifully - we are all here for you, whatever you need.

    Sending warm hugs and lots of positive thoughts and prayers for both of you.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Everyone has said it so nicely. Be kind to yourself. We are here for whatever you need. And a beautiful post about symbols of love. Hugs, Terps

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    2. Oh Cat - I feel another telephone call coming on. You are soooo very sweet and kind. I felt so much better after our chat! All hugs and prayers are gratefully accepted, and I thank you very much! I'll email you soon.

      Many hugs,

      Ami

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    3. Thank you so much Terps! My wedding ring means a great deal to me. When we got married not many men wore rings, it was a 'wife' thing.

      When our daughter got married last summer I gave her my mother's wedding ring. My parents were, similarly, very happily married, so it seemed fitting to pass the ring on.

      I think the wedding ring is one of the greatest symbols of love there is.

      Many hugs,

      Ami

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  4. Dear Ami,
    You have a right to feel anger or any number of things that are holding you hostage right now. And guess what? Everyone who cares about you is here to listen, without judgement and with open arms! Honestly, there is nothing to judge anyway. Who wouldn't go there? And of course you have your Starman front and center!

    You both are in my prayers each and every day! Lillie knows how to get in touch with me and I'm a great listener!

    Much <3,

    Katie xxx

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    1. Katie, you are such a kind person. Thank you so much. Several people have already had me whining down the phone or via email, so be careful what you offer!

      Whilst the anger has left me temporarily, I am certain it will rear its ugly head once more. So it's good to know there are some good listeners out there!

      Many hugs,

      Ami

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    2. Thanks Ami! The prayers continue!

      I've been meaning to pop on here and mention something that I thought of. You talked about reading the forums and that they were scary. I would suggest that you might stay away from them. With medical forums you often find that the people who write on them tend to be people who have been through some extreme situations and thus are bitter, etc. They also tend to draw some people who perhaps, well let's just say may not have both oars in the water. Not all, but many. You don't need more worries than I imagine you already have.

      You'd be better served perhaps by checking out sites from reputable cancer centers. Here in the States I'd suggest places like Memorial Sloan Kettering http://www.mskcc.org/ and Dana-Farber http://www.dana-farber.org/. There are a bunch more but these are two really good places. Hope that it helps. Thinking of you and your Starman.

      Much <3,

      Katie xxx

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  5. Oh honey, I want to say so many things to you. I want to thank you for our recent, meaningful correspondence and for becoming my friend. I want you to know that Will and I are thinking of you and Starman, and sending so many positive thoughts your way.

    I want you to know that I am here, to listen and just be there, any time you need to just vent, cry, or talk about something else entirely. All of your blogland family is here for you.

    I think the two of you, and your great love in this scary time, are amazing. Give Starman a big hug from us.

    Elisa Xo

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    1. Elisa, I hope you can ignore the anger in my emails to you because I'm sure it must have shown through! I need those positive thoughts and many thanks for them.

      I think, that for me, one of the most difficult things is that I thought at the beginning that TTWD would rock our boat. I was wrong. We have begun to blossom under the new dynamic. Now I am scared that we find it difficult to continue to grow in this way due to forces outside our control. I'm only hoping that the strong foundation that we are about halfway through building, is going to be strong enough to weather the storm clouds ahead. I do so need to be strong for him!

      Many hugs,

      Ami

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  6. Oh Ami, Of course we are all praying for you both , you are our friends. You can say what ever you like to us, we all understand your anguish. Having had cancer inthe past I truly understand how you feel. Ket me tell you that the whole experience made us stronger as a couple, My husband was so strong for me, I was never more aware of his love for me then. You will find this too, you become an even stronger unit as you work your way back. I hope all goes well on Thursday, much love Jan.xx

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    1. Oh Jan thank you. I am sorry you had to go through the cancer thing too. Fortunately when I had my bits taken out the cysts proved to be benign. I remember what a terribly scary time it was though.

      I just hope that I can be as strong for Starman as he has always been for me.

      Many hugs,

      Ami

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  7. Ami, you are going through a scary time and it's ok to be angry. We are all here for you sweetie, whatever you need.

    We are both thinking of you and Starman. Sending you our thoughts, love and prayers.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thank you Roz for your thoughts, love and prayers. I hate being angry. It's not in me. It's like an alien taking control of my thoughts. Life is too short to be angry and hurtful. But sometimes that horrid snippy, sarcastic me rises to the surface from some deep and hidden place.

      Many hugs,

      Ami

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  8. Such a sweet post. I never thought of a necklace fireman bought me being a collar, but you're right!

    Prayers for you for good news on Thursday!

    Love & hugs,
    Elle

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    1. That's right. You think about it. I showed my pendant to Starman the other night and he remembered it straight away. Now, usually he forgets all about that sort of sentimental rubbish (as he calls it). But this time he said "I gave you that for your 21st birthday didn't I?" I was so happy he hadn't forgotten. Forty years is a long time in anyone's book! It's just that those years have passed in a heartbeat, and suddenly time is so very precious. Starman and I still have young hearts - that's the problem! That's why so many of our friends refer to us as the 'teenagers'. And I don't want either of us to hang up our clogs yet dear Elle! So thank you for your prayers - I'll take them all!

      Many hugs,

      Ami

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  9. Ami, I think it's perfectly natural to be angry, to have a whole host of emotions right now really. How wonderful that you found the pearl after all. And your ring is lovely too. I hope and pray that you receive good news on Thursday! (((hugs)))

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    1. It's funny how something of little financial value is priceless to me. It would certainly be something I would take with me if faced with Armegedon. Thank you very much for your thoughts and prayers. I'll be glad when we know the worst. Many hugs, Ami

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  10. Sorry Ami

    I thought I commented on here. You know where I am if you need or want to talk. Sounds like you've been a busy girl lately getting to know people. It is a wonderful outlet blogging and talking to new friends. Once we open our heart up to people here about ttwd, it seems so much easier to talk about other trying times in our lives too.

    I was happy to hear that you found your pearl. Last year I lost the diamond from my engagement ring. At the time I told Barney not to bother replacing it, because a only wear it in the summer..my fingers shrink too much in the cold months. Anyway I never gave it much thought- how he would feel about it, as my wedding band was actually the one my father gave to my mother. Starman's comment makes me wonder if I hurt Barney's feelings.

    I will be thinking of you this week, especially Thursday. I pray for the best results possible.

    Much Love
    Willie



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    1. We'll have that tea party yet Willie! Wait and see!

      If I lost a diamond that would be a major! Can't afford insurance unfortunately. I never thought about winter versus summer and the skinny finger syndrome. My wedding ring is so loose at the moment that I've quite concerned about losing it. And to think I had it made a little bigger a year ago! You see, TTWD is good for so many things. GOOB for one!

      Maybe you could get a replacement diamond as a combined birthday/Christmas pressie? I'm careful now with mine and have the claws tested every couple of years in case they show signs of wear. I think our men notice more than we think about some of the things we think are maybe not quite as important. But I also think that S is much more observant now than ever before - and he was always pretty hot off the blocks. Especially with his hearing! Ears of an elephant! They reach around corners!

      Thanks Willie for your prayers and support. You're a very good friend!

      Many hugs,

      Ami

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  11. Ami,

    Feelings of anger are indeed natural and it is great that you have such wonderful friends that care about you to whom you can vent those feelings.

    I will add my prayers for a positive report on Thursday.

    George

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    1. Thank you for your positive prayers George, and a big welcome to you.

      We are a very friendly bunch around here! I am indebted to all of them!

      Many hugs,

      Ami

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  12. Ami,
    All of your emotions are perfectly okay and I'm so glad that you've found some sweet friends in the ladies here in blogland. Pretty wonderful aren't they?

    Please feel and express whatever you need to.

    Three more days. My hubby will be home from travelling as you are finding out the details of the scan. I'll be praying and thinking of you during these days.

    I loved the story of your necklace! :)

    Big hugs.

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    1. I feel so looked after Susie! The people here are all marvellous!

      You must be looking forward to your husband's return very much. It's hard being without them. We have a tendency to get over-independent. I used to, anyway. It would be so nice if we could just toss them the reins as soon as they walked in the door and say "Oh good you're back! Over to you now honey!" Instead we sometimes get snarky. Then it's downhill all the way. I hope you have a wonderful and loving reunion!

      Thank you for your kind thoughts!

      Many hugs, Ami

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  13. I've always felt the ring was a symbol that we belonged to each other and that nothing else was needed It's an outward expression of our love because I certainly don't need it to remind me.

    I'm thinking of you and still praying for wonderful news come Thursday.

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    1. Hi Sunny,

      It's true that the ring is an outward expression and that we don't really need it. But somehow I like wearing a ring. Not all of my friends do, you see. And I like people to know I belong to someone. It makes me feel all goosepimply to think about it!

      Thank you for your prayers Susie, and your kind thoughts!

      Many hugs,

      Ami

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  14. Wishing you two the very best today Ami! Blessings and prayers.

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    1. Thank you Susie. You will see from my new post that we are now feeling better and more positive about things. Thank you for caring!

      Hugs,

      Ami

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