Catch a Falling Star

Hello Everyone!  I hope you won't mind if I don't reply individually this once.

Starman and I are completely and utterly overwhelmed with your kindness and prayers.

I am reading them all out to Starman and have left a short comment on Cat's kind post.

We have now had some time to process things, and we feel much calmer and are able to be more objective.  

These are the facts as we have been told:

-  Starman's PSA level is less than 10 nanograms per mililitre

-  his Gleason score is less or equal to 6 (they are unable to be more accurate)

The consultant called it a low-risk cancer.  

The MRI that was programmed for two weeks' time has been brought forward to Saturday because they have had a cancellation.  That's good because we then have to wait two weeks for the results.

The consultant is a little concerned because he says that they need to know whether there are any tumours hidden behind the two that they have found so far.  (One of these is very small at 5% on the left side whilst the other is bigger at 20% on the right side).  We didn't know that there was a left and right side of the prostate until now.  

Starman is a little concerned because he has had some back ache low down in his back for the last six months or so.  It could just be due to lifting logs, raking the drive or any number of outdoor activities he does around here.

The choices we have been asked to think about are:

-  active monitoring whilst watching for progress of the disease using PSA levels

-  active surveillance which is similar to the above but also means repeating the biopsies at intervals

-  external beam radiotherapy which is done five days a week for seven weeks

- brachyterapy which is where radioactive seeds are placed in the prostate to deliver     radiation directly into the gland

-  surgery to remove the prostate gland.

We feel it is better to wait for the results of the MRI before Starman makes any choices.  And he is also talking to other people who've had the disease to get a wider view.

It's all very scary as we had hoped so badly that the results would be positive.

That first evening driving back from the hospital was awful.  We hardly spoke to one another because we didn't know what to say.  We were just trying to keep calm and needed to process the information.  Consultants over here have no bedside manner at all!  They say it how it is.

Later in the kitchen I made us hot drinks and I sat at the kitchen table and sipped mine.    I felt completely numb.  Our son appeared in the kitchen and wanted to know all the details.

Starman started to explain things to him and I could feel the tears leak from the corners of my eyes.  Once started they became a flood.  I just sat there with my hands over my face and sobbed and sobbed.  I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it.  What I did want was for Starman to come across the kitchen and wrap his arms around me so I could tell him how much I loved him and that I would always be there for him.

Instead, he walked out of the kitchen into the living area with our son, still talking and making it obvious that I was being too noisy.

I felt that he was shutting down, and shutting me out.  We had an awful evening.  Neither of us could eat.  And although the TV was on, we weren't really watching it.  I went to bed quite early as I have to be up on a Tuesday at 5.30 and need to get my sleep.   I didn't hear Starman come to bed, but on 'early start' days he often sleeps in the spare room.  I didn't see him in the morning because he was still asleep when I left.  

I went round all day with a rock in my stomach.  But the people I work with are wonderful, and when you are teaching classes of children you find you are so taken up with what you are doing that there is no time to think about yourself.

When I arrived home I felt quite a bit better.  Starman came into the kitchen.  He was feeling better too.  We sat and had some lunch and a very long talk.  In essence, we reconnected.

Today we feel better still.  There are still worries, of course there are, but we are facing them together, and the numbness has to a certain extent worn off.  We are not happy about having to wait another two weeks for results, and we are worried about the outcome of those results, but we have to remain optimistic.  Life must go on as normal as possible.

I will try to keep an eye on blogs, but please excuse me if I don't make long comments at the moment.  

I will do my best to let you all know of any more developments.

As far as TTWD is concerned, we both want to carry on as far as we are able.  We feel a closeness that we haven't had for years.  Perhaps it is now more important than at any other time.  I don't claim to understand it, but our perspective has changed on life and how we are towards each other.

Finally, just to say once again how much we value your support and your prayers.  They mean so very much to both of us.  You are all incredible.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.  Please keep praying.

Many thankful hugs, Ami