Sunday, 6 January 2013


The last twenty four hours have, quite honestly, been almost the worst in my life.

We'd had a lovely Saturday.  Just usual things about the house.  Then a trip out shopping to a large wholesale outlet.  

When we arrived home it was already getting dark (I haven't noticed the nights drawing out much yet!) and after I'd put stuff away I put some fillet steak (we have friends who breed Red Poll cattle and had been given some steaks for Christmas) in a little marinade, prepared some chips (fries) and salad, and put some baby deep-fried camembert cheeses in the oven for starters.  Starman made us both large gin and tonics.  No 1 son was away out to a surprise 'big' birthday party for his girl friend's father in a restaurant a few miles away.  

We had our meal and chatted companionably.  The G and Ts went down a treat!

"Heh, we're alone for once" I said.  "Isn't the place quiet?"

"Hmmmm" Starman looked longingly at the coffee machine, so I made us a latte each.

"Perhaps we can continue our conversation from last night?"  I looked at him.

"Oh good grief.  I thought we could relax."  Starman was a little put out.

"It's just that I still have a lot to talk about" I went on.  "I was a bit overwrought last night, and I was thinking today, that I need to explain how I got into all this in the first place."

Starman made some sort of joke and I told him that I felt he wasn't taking me very seriously.  

"Alright then" he said.  "Get talking.  I'm listening."

So I did.

I started at the beginning and went all the way through.  I explained that three years ago after my heart attack I had realised how short life was, and that I wanted to make the most of every minute of it.  I had redesigned myself by losing some weight, having my hair cut short, and changing my makeup.  Then I had gradually become more adventurous in the bedroom.  

He smiled.  He had approved of all of it.

Then, I went on, you suggested that I read 50 Shades.  (Yes, it was Starman's idea, but he didn't know what it was about, just that it was a popular book!)

I read all three of them.

I was wide-eyed with surprise.  I read them about four times!  Wow!  This wasn't actually something just found in brothels.  Real people did these things.  Nice, ordinary people.  Normal people.  Wow!

A convent education and strict parents, coupled with meeting my husband at a school dance when I was only sixteen did nothing for my sexual education.  He has been my first and only.  He hadn't been much more experienced.  Some things, nice girls didn't do.  I was very, very inhibited.  But then, he wasn't really sure how to lead me in those days.  And in those days, well, you didn't have a different man every night like now.  You didn't go out getting drunk night after night outside clubs and pubs like many of today's teens.  (In Europe anyway!)  My parents stayed up and waited for me to be home if I went out.  And even at nearly 20 I had to be home by 11pm.  And they ALWAYS knew where I was going, and who with!

So I did a little research.  And I did a little shopping.  First over the internet, and then I visited Ann Summers (you'e heard me mention it before).  I became bold.  The assistants in the shop are always very helpful.  I learnt a lot.

I took my purchases home and gradually introduced them to Starman.  He doesn't do 'tying up' but he was pleasantly delighted with some of my new toys.  

We've had great fun trying them out.  Learning together.  We feel very naughty, sexy, brave, excited....  It has done wonders for us.

So.  So far so good.

Then I started reading spanking stories.  I found them fascinating.  I couldn't believe what I was reading.  Some are downright fiction, some are scary, but many have nice happy endings, and I noticed that they all seemed to have one thing in common.  Domestic discipline.

Now, what was that, I wondered.

So I researched.  

On some of the sites my hair nearly stop on end.  Some are definitely sensationalist.  One person persuaded me to spend money to download a book which upset me so much I cried.  (Boot Camp? - remember?)  And then I found Sara.

Sara was wonderful to me.  When I think of some of my comments I cringe.  But she was very patient.  And gradually I began to understand.  Gradually I realised that the same people commented every time.  They all had different personalities, but they also all had one thing in common.  Spanking in some shape or form.

I began to read the blogs.  I read and I read.  I became daring and made a few comments here and there.  Then I started to ask quite long questions.  (Thank you so much, you know who you are, you were all so welcoming and patient with me!)

Something went click in my brain.  I felt at home among these people.  I felt comfortable.  And the spanking urge wouldn't go away.  It grew until it began to take me over.  And so that it how it all started.

But what you don't realise when you first begin, is that in your head you have already submitted.  You have already been living TTWD for several months.  And by then you know it in much more depth.  And then you dump it on your unsuspecting husband's head.  Not just superficially like at the start.  But in detail.

And it isn't you that runs for the hills.

It's him.

So we are full circle, and you are now more in the picture.  But there's more.

Starman is very interested in the 4 Ds.  I explain them to him.  He's noticed that I am following them as well as I am able.  He particularly remembers the 'car keys' event, and 'choosing a turkey'.  It begins to fall into place.  

But it's with 'Respect' that we begin to come unstuck.  And 'Obey'.

And as we sit there talking more and more comes out.  I feel as if I'm an extra in Groundhog Day.  Starman is back to 'telling it how it is'.  It's worse than I had at first thought.  I'm in a nightmare scenario.  I'm so shaken that the silences gradually lengthen.  

We retreat to the living room and the sofas.  He puts the TV on.  I am so distressed I fall asleep and wake an hour later.  To quote Willie "I felt as if I had been in a mangle or drier, and come out like a long, twisted duvet cover".  I excused myself at around 11.45pm and went to bed.  

I heard No 1 son arrive back, and talking downstairs, and then quiet fell over the barn.  Starman came to bed, pulled the duvet up round his ears, and promptly snored for England.  Clinging to my side of the bed I tossed and turned.  I got up to visit the bathroom.  I drank some water.  I watched the night sky.  I went downstairs and made a decaff and took some paracetamol.

In the end I retreated to the spare bedroom.  I then lay there and tossed and turned.

All the while I was crying softly.  Tears soaking into my pillow.  I never knew I had so much water in my body.

Eventually I slept at around 7.30 am.  I woke up when Starman put his head round the door at 9.00 am.  I was still crying.

I was dizzy with exhaustion.  Starman went downstairs and made tea.  He was taking my job!  He brought it back and herded me back into our bedroom.  He wasn't having any more of this spare bedroom game!

I explained that some of the information he had chosen to share with me last night had knocked me for six.  It had completely flattened me like a wrecking ball.  I'd spent all night wondering how I would manage on my own without him.  It was such a horrible thing to contemplate that I started to shake.

Starman, once again, folded me into his arms.  

He must have assured me of his love about a hundred times.  He must have assured me that I had changed a great deal about a hundred times.  And he certainly hugged me and kissed me about a hundred times.

"Now then Ami.  This stops here and now."  His quietly serious voice was back.  "It's in the past.  You are forgiven.  There is no resentment.  There is no ill-feeling.  There must be no guilt.  Do you understand?"

I was being a limp dishcloth so I wasn't able to reply.  He took my chin in a tight grip and made me nod my head.

Then he made love to me in a slow, gentle and considerate way.

"And now do you think you could make me some breakfast?" he smiled at me.


So I suppose you could say that we have now managed to negotiate those cracks in the road - those places where the road had disappeared down the mountainside.  We've managed to skirt around the boulders.

We are still sploshing through the muddy water.  But we are holding hands once again.  We are no longer on different rails on a railway track.  

And in future, I hope I will have the sense to follow immediately behind him and put my feet in his footsteps when the going gets tough.  Because I know it will.  It always does.

For us, this dynamic isn't going to happen in just six weeks.  It's going to take a great deal longer.  There are so many things to learn.  And I know that punishment spankings are definitely out for the foreseeable future.  Starman told me very firmly that he will give me a suitable warning if I show signs of moving off the straight and narrow.  He also told me that maintenance will not be on a set day.  He finds it too inflexible.  It has to work for us, not us for it.

And now I have to end this post.  I feel better today and I want to read some of yours.  So I'll leave you with a little 'poem' a dear friend sent me this morning.  It's funny how this, and three wonderful emails from Willie, Lillie and Dear Fireman hit everything that has happened directly on target!

"As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself.  I've become my own friend.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with ageing.

Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4am, or sleep until noon?  I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's, 70's and 80's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.

I will walk the beach, in a swimsuit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.  They, too, will age.

I know I am sometimes forgetful.  But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten.  And, I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken.... How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car?  But, broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion.  A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to  have lived long enough to have my hair turning grey, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.... So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive.  You care less about what other people think.  I don't question myself anymore.  I've even earned the right to be wrong!

So, to answer your question, I like ageing.  It has set me free.  I like the person I have become.  I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be.  

And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it)."

PS - My hair is blonde, my body isn't bulging, just a little thick around the waist, I can't dive, and I very rarely eat dessert.  LOL

May our friendship never come apart, especially when it's straight from the heart!

Hugs, Ami


  1. Hello Ami & Starman, I always enjoy reading here. It's nice to see that some patience and a soft tone of voice has helped you though a difficult evening. No one knows you like your Starman :)
    Since the first time you emailed, you have come so far in only six short weeks. Relax into your agreed upon roles and look forward to the future and what will unfold in the next six weeks, six months and beyond :)

    1. Mr BB - thank you for your continued support! When we learn something new we should always listen to the voice of experience. The trouble is that I'm one of these women that tend to rush at everything. Even if it's doing housework, or changing the linen, or doing the laundry - I do it as speedily as if my life depended on it. The only thing I take my time over is cooking, because that is something that cannot be rushed! And I openly admit that the culinary experience is on-going for me. I especially like to see men savour the first mouthful of a special treat, that roll of the eyes, that contented breath, that smile as it hits the taste buds. I just got Antonio Carluccio's latest cookery book, (In case you haven't heard of him, he's a famous Italian chef.) and I can't wait to get started on some of his recipes. But it's taken me a lifetime of cooking to be able to understand the finer points of a zabaglione with bitter chocolate sauce, or a risotto con funghi. (Any men out there? I love to cook for men!) (Okay Starman, calm down!) (Giggles)

      What I'm saying is that Starman is adamant we start afresh with no resentments, regrets or guilt. But he's equally adamant that he needs to go slowly. So I know I must match my footsteps to his. And if those of you who have been doing this thing we do far longer than us are right, we will be okay. I really don't know why I am so anxious to rush at it. I'm sure many wives would really rather not be spanked. I just don't understand my own feelings. It's just as if all of a sudden I've found myself. I can't express how close I feel to my husband when I am across his knees - sorry, but it makes me happy even if I know it's going to hurt.

      I look forward to the next six weeks and the next six months!

      Hugs, Ami

    2. When you first began cooking, I'm sure there was a recipe to follow each time something special was on the menu. Making a list and gather your ingredients to make sure you had everything you needed was important. If something needed to be cooked for several hours, I'm sure you wouldn't take it out after a few minutes and serve it. The was a process and a plan to follow so that it could be savored and enjoyed.
      Where your DD lifestyle is involved, have a recipe. Learn what ingredients you need. And know that it takes time and patience.

    3. This is a very good comparison and one I am keeping in mind. We are away for a few days and it is interesting how our changed dynamic is beginning to work even minus spankings. Learning to completely trust(obey) someone without argument takes a great deal of willpower. It poses some interesting questions I'd like to explore further and probably will when we return. It's certainly opened my eyes.

      Hugs, Ami

  2. The worst of your life? It sounds to me like it ended with re-connection. Sometimes you have to navigate the hard stuff to get to really good part. And yes, it does take more than 6 weeks to really figure this stuff out. Give yourself some time and give him even more.

    You are getting there. Hugs

    1. Hi Rose! Yes, it was very, very awful. I felt as if not only my husband hated me, but my children as well, for the ordeal I must have put them through. I'll never know how they stayed with me, but they did and for some reason I must have changed or started to change, of my own volition. Maybe the angels decided enough was enough. Who knows! Now with the help of all of you I will slow down and accept that Starman will decide the pace. Not being very submissive (and yes, I did at the start think I was very submissive - I've changed my mind on that!) is going to be tough for me as I will probably keep trying to lead.

      Thank you so much for all your help and support Rose.

      Hugs, Ami

  3. What a lovely post. It may have been the worst night of your life but the results had to be one of the best mornings of your life. Live life every day as the poem says. It goes fast enough. Enjoy each little step along the way and one day you will look back and realize you are exactly where you are supposed to be.


    1. Hi Sunny! I am feeling much better today. Just started back to work although I have to admit to enjoying the long break over Christmas. I am going to do my best to settle down and take each day as it comes. At least we are now on the same wavelength. Hugs, Ami

  4. If you just keep 'looking for those little sparkles' everything will be fine. I know it!


    1. I will Willie. You're a great friend to have and thanks so much for your supportive emails. Keep them coming! Many hugs, Ami

  5. No it's not going to happen in six weeks. Ward an I are on year two, sweetie, and still working on it everyday. You passed the hardest hurdle (open, honest, communication) - just stay this side of it- keep talking, keep REALLY listening, keep your heart and your arms open. You have a good start. Nothing worth having comes easy. (((hugs)))

    1. Wow June! Year 2! Thank you so much for all your kind comments and help - both you and Ward. I'm very glad we have broken through the communication barrier. It was soooo difficult, but well worth it. Many hugs, Ami

  6. You are on your way, my dear...
    Starman sounds like a loving, caring husband. Loved the part about the morning.....ahhhhhh - they can melt our hearts so easily when they want to.

    1. Thank you Lillie. I just read your recent post and I want to tell you that you ALWAYS write to eloquently. Reading your posts is such a pleasure. And so very helpful to a newbie like me. I have read your letter to Mick several times - and that is very good for me too. You have come a long way. I only hope we can emulate you and Ian, even halfway! Many hugs, Ami

  7. "It has to work for us, not us for it." That's the best line. My wonderful fireman said that to me in almost the same words last night during a really long communication session. We didn't even realize we'd been talking so long and all of a sudden it was almost 1 am.

    He made me teary - in a very good way in his reply to you. :)

    So glad you're reconnected to starman!

    Love & hugs,

    1. You know Elle, I think that really talking, and I mean that in capitals REALLY TALKING, is the hardest thing we have to do. Why it should take an episode like this for me to realise this fact I don't know. Your husband is a star for writing me the way he did! I can't stop telling you how much it helped us.

      Is he really a fireman? Mine works with the fire department in a voluntary capacity to visit the homes of the elderly and house-bound to make sure they have safety devices like smoke alarms in their homes. Some of it is heart-wrenching when you see how they live. Firemen are the best!

      Hugs, Ami

    2. I somehow just saw your reply!! I was coming to check in you and see how you've been doing.

      Really talking is hard. It's so hard to start. Since we've started, we are doing really well at it though. Really well. I'm so glad he helped! I mean he's always been great. Always. But since we began ttwd, and especially since our reset on New Years, he's just been amazing.

      He is!! He's on two different departments. One at his work and one locally for volunteer :) I agree! They are!!

    3. We're away at the moment but I'll catch up with everything when we get back at the weekend. I'm so glad you are doing okay. And I'm really glad your husband is a real fireman! Brilliant! You be sure to keep up the good work! I'll be posting when I get back. Hugs, Ami

  8. We have been at this only a little more then a year and it's still a struggle at times. I feel like we are just getting into the thick of it now with my Husband opening up to some of his feelings about it all.

    It's a long journey - that is for sure. It sounds like you are at least communicating, even if it's sometimes things you don't want to hear from him. At the very least, think of taking baby steps with things and I'm sure little by little some things may just fall into place on their own. Sometimes though, I understand how hard it is to wait on those baby steps!
    I look forward to reading more in the future form you two!

    1. Hello Emi, and I can't agree more with how difficult it can be to communicate. Scary too when things start coming out. But I'm glad we had our discussions - it's helped us very much. I think perhaps our marriage wouldn't have done too well otherwise, and now we feel so much better. You're never too old or too young to speak with the heart. Many hugs, Ami

  9. Awww Ami - Things are indeed looking up. Really made me smile when I read "Now then Ami. This stops here and now." "It's in the past. You are forgiven. There is no resentment. There is no ill-feeling. There must be no guilt. Do you understand?" I hope you really listened to those words!

    Your Starman's comment regarding maintenance "It has to work for us, not us for it." relates to all of TTWD. If two D's work rather than four, if there are stern warnings rather than spanking, if the only spanking is maintenance and if all of that brings you closer? Then that's your version of TTWD and what works for YOUR marriage!

    You two are communicating not talking at each other but to each other. You are listening not just hearing in one ear while planning your next point.

    You have a wonderful husband and Starman has a wonderful wife, you both need to remember the good qualities of yourselves not just each other.

    Good luck to both of you on your journey. Sending hugs and prayers your way.


    1. Thanks Cat, I'll take all the hugs and prayers I can get. "You two are communicating not talking at each other but to each other" I like that very much. Thank you friend! xx

      PS How do you get these little pictures next to your 'names'? PS2 I think I clicked on the wrong 'gadget' in blogger because it lists all my friends' blogs at the bottom of this lot of comments instead of at the right hand side!

      Many hugs, Ami

  10. Hi Ami, I'm sorry that you had a rough night but it seems that you two are much more on track now, just take your time. Every couple does ttwd differently and it seems like you are on the way now. good luck, We too are newbies and are feeling our way, just keep talking, love Jan.x

    1. Hi Jan and many thanks for your good wishes. It is tough at the beginning isn't it? Slowly but surely is best I think. Hugs, Ami

  11. HI Ami, I'm sorry you had a rough time, but so glad to hear you reconnected. You are on your way to working out what ttwd means for you. Starman is right. It has to work for you, not you work for it.

    He sounds so loving and caring and I too hope you heard him about the past being the past and that you are forgiven.

    So glad you are communicating. Keep those communication lines open.


    1. Hi Roz, Yes it was rough, but it is behind us now. You're right, Starman is a very loving and gentle man. I think that's why this is all such a shock to his system. All I can do is practise being submissive and try to prove to him that I want to be better. We're already feeling much more 'loving' towards each other. Many hugs, Ami

  12. I love how Starman took you in hand and ended the over-reflection for you. LOL...then just like a man to head you towards making breakfast!

    This is all going to be okay Ami. I know the path is so hard to walk, just remember you are doing it together and when you feel like you're starting to take a side trail, stop dead in your tracks and go back to him.


    1. Hi Susie, All I can say is don't be like me and over-analyse a situation. I promise I won't take any more side trails! Many hugs, Ami

  13. I just found your blog and this was the first post I've read. And what a post it is! I could relate to the over analyzing and being too harsh on yourself and Michael has at times ended it, just like your Starman did. Sometimes the roads are bumpy on this journey, but that doesn't mean that it's not worthwhile. The two of you will find your way, as the rest of us are trying to do as well. Communication is so important, and it's an area that most of us need some work in. I liked the poem you shared too, a lot of truth in there, though hopefully I have awhile yet before my hair turns grey. ;)

  14. Hi Grace and thank you for stopping by. I can't tell you how good it is to find I have so many friends willing to share and to help me during these times. Unfortunately my hair is turning grey now (under the blonde dye!) but luckily the youth remains inside! The communication is definitely the most tricky bit. You just don't realise that you talk to each other, but you often don't communicate. I don't ever want to get into this situation again, believe me! And yet, when I look around me, it's surprising how many people lose the art of communication. You have to work at it! Hugs, Ami