Wednesday, 16 January 2013

True Colours

I don't know how to start this post.  I've pondered whether to write it a hundred times since Monday.  But I've just visited one or two other blogs, and it seems to me that I need the Circle, the Daisychain, to close round me at the moment.

No, it's not all bad.  And I do realise that it's my "worry" mode turned up as far as the dial will go.  But my head is spinning so badly, and my stomach is so filled with bats (yes, you heard, not butterflies, they're too pleasant) that I have to do some talking.

On Monday I had to take Starman to the hospital.  I took him there for a biopsy.  It seems he may have developed prostate cancer.

This is where I do so hope any man over the age of 40 is listening, and that any wife with a husband over the age of 40 is listening too.

Each year Starman has a 'well man' check up.  He always has a test called a PSA.  It is carried out to determine whether or not a man may be at risk of prostate cancer.  In the UK this test is not offered as a matter of course.  You have to ask for it.  Because Starman's father died of this disease 14 years ago, he has this test every single year.  There have never been any problems.  Until now.

The score came out on the high side and wheels immediately went into motion.  We have been backwards and forwards to hospital since November.  He has had CAT scans, ultra-sounds, gallons of blood tests.  In fact, you name it and he has had it.  And nothing conclusive.  

I have to add that he hasn't had any symptoms at all either.  Not getting up in the night to pee (that's always me!),  no swelling or enlargement, no pain or lack of sensation, no nothing!  

But the consultant at the hospital isn't happy.  Hence the biopsy.  In fact he had ten samples taken - five from each side.  He said is wasn't very pleasant, and caused him some discomfort, but nothing he couldn't handle, and no real pain.  And he hasn't had any side effects at all.  

So it takes about ten days to culture the samples.  And we get to know 12 days from now.  The consultant wants to see both of us.  As if I'd let Starman go alone!!!!

So this is why I'm not myself at the moment.  This is why one minute I'm way up in the air, and the next I'm down in the wagon ruts.  It all seems like a bad dream.  I keep thinking I'll wake up any minute.  

It's the waiting that's doing my head in.

Starman is very calm about it all.  Very stoic.  Very strong.  He is sleeping well, and continues to snore for England.  But I lie awake and worry worry worry.  I just want to know what we are fighting.  And if we aren't fighting anything, then the flags will go out so far you will see them wherever you live!

Now, see the difference between the two pictures?

All this time I've been struggling with our new dynamic.   I've done nothing but grumble and rant, moan and complain.  

The times I wondered whether I should just squish this before we went any further.  The times I wondered whether I have been right to introduce it at all.  The times I thought that maybe it is all too much for either of us to think about at the moment.

We had quite heavy snow for a couple of days.  Grim, grey skies.  Large thick flakes.  Then last night the stars came out.  We can see the plough clearly through our bedroom windows and when the moon rises it has a tendency to wake us up as it shines directly on our faces.  But last night we both slept well, without any of the usual tossing and turning.  The temperatures dropped to -12 C and for once I didn't sleep with my arms on top of the duvet.

Overnight outside turned into fairyland.  The sky was blue, the sun came up, and the frost glittered off the bare branches like diamonds.

Starman went downstairs and did my job.  He brought me coffee back to bed, and then climbed back in with me.

For once the house was quiet.

"Come on old girl, what's wrong?"

It was 'face in chest hair' time.  (No!  not my chest hair - his!  No!  I don't have chest hair!  Oh for goodness sake!)

I told him how worried I was and that I couldn't bear anything to happen to him.  We chatted for a while, him a lot calmer than me.

"So... " he said.  "You want a bit of re-assurance then?"

"Well, only if you feel your hand can manage it.  I mean, well, yes please.  But don't worry, I'll lie by your side and you can just lean over.  I don't want cause you any discomfort."

"I'll be just fine.  Up you go, over my lap."

The bedroom was freezing.  The underfloor heating wasn't coping.  I leapt out of bed.  "I'll just put my nightie on" I told him.

"No you won't" he became suddenly very HOH.  "Spankings are with nothing on."  Oh...

I climbed back on the bed and over his lap, wriggling to get into position, which isn't the easiest as my head tends to hand over the edge of the bed.

"Now just get up again and go get me that wooden spatula thing."   Oh....bloody hell, not that again!

I climbed back down.  "Are you sure?  I mean.  I'm not arguing, but what about the paddle instead?"

"No.  I like that little spatula."  He would!

"Look," I said handing the wretched thing to him.  "I'm not demanding.  But do you think you might give me a warm up with your hand first.  That thing stings very badly."

He considered.  I got back into position.


He has come a long way has Starman.  I am back in full admiration mode.

"I'm sorry I've been a bit sharp and edgy this last couple of days.  It's been a long time you know.  I don't want this.  But I need it.  I don't like it at the time.  But I like the way I feel afterwards."

Starman is spanking away.  For once he doesn't say more than a couple of words.  So I shut up and concentrate on not clenching.  

Good grief he has learned a lot.  You'd think he'd been having lessons.

The spanking gradually built and built.  In between some of the spanks he rubbed my bottom.  Then there were little flurries of six or seven spanks.  I became a bit restless.  Some were actually beginning to hurt quite a bit.  I rested my forehead on my right arm.  One or two "Ows" were slipping out.

Starman stopped.

I kept my face down.  I could feel him reach for something.


My legs lifted, I swear totally involuntarily, in complete harmony, from the bed. Oh heavens that hurt!

Then again and again and again.

And no rubs this time.  

Well, I thought, trying hard to control my breathing, this is what I wanted, this is what I asked for, this is what I need.  Oh Ow!!!

I was already more than a bit sore from his hand.  This was the icing on the cake!  I started to cry.

I felt Starman slow.  "Are you crying?  I'm not going to carry on if  you're crying."  Oh Oh Oh

"No, I'm fine" I managed to gasp out convincingly.  "Just carry on.  You're doing really well."

Now was I supposed to say that?  It hurt like hell but I didn't want him to stop.  I needed this to rid me of my demons.  This wasn't just reassurance, or readjustment, or maintenance, or just you watch your attitude for the rest of the week.  It was like a reaffirmation of vows.  A final letting go of the old angst at long last.  

I tried my best to cry quietly.  I worked very hard not to kick my feet up to high.  But I now understand that feet and legs have a mind of their own!  I gripped the side of the bed and tried to take deep breaths, but the occasional Ow (okay, the frequent Ow) kept coming out of my  mouth.

At last he stopped and put the wooden thing down.  Hated, hated wooden thing!

And then....

He started all over with his hand!

"Actually, I've been thinking" he said.  I just knew he had been far too quiet.

"You've missed two weeks worth of spanking.  So I'd better make up for it."

"You could always do it another day" I suggested.

"No.  I don't know when we'll get another quiet time around here" he replied.

It just went on and on.  

This time, in between flurries of spanks, he rubbed my bottom.

"It's getting good and red" he remarked, stopping to rub.

"May I get up now please?" I asked.

"No not yet.  You can get up when I say so" he replied.  Oh HOH HOH HOH!!!

Eventually after a "super-flurry" he slowed and stopped.

I lay exhausted.  A good half hour had passed.  And this was maintenance???  Please explain dear readers, because I understand less as the weeks go by!

I crawled off his lap and lay gingerly on my back sinking into the soft mattress.

Then my ears couldn't believe what they were hearing.

"I think I'd like some sex now please" he pinned me down.  Ouch!


Afterwards we talked a lot more.  I was nervous he might have overdone the exercise.  But he felt really fine.

And later, when he was shaving, I crept into the bathroom behind him.  I put my arms round his middle and hugged him and kissed the side of his neck.

"I'm so scared.  I just don't want anything to happen to you" I whispered.

"We'll be all right old girl" he reassured me, trying to shave without cutting himself.

"I love you" I told him.  "I just want you to know that you've made me feel so good.  You've set me up for the week.  I just can't do without this now.  Thank you."  

I left him to carry on and I went back to our ensuite.  (He has the big bathroom.)

I turned to scurry past the full-length mirror just through the entrance to our bedroom.

Yes, you've guessed it.  

Red, black, blue and purple.  

Whoopy do!

So, this is "sore-bottomed from deepest, darkest, rural England" signing off.

(Oh yes, and any prayers please, would be gratefully accepted, because I, for one, am still sick with worry.)


  1. Wow, Ami. A cancer scare is the scariest scare there is. I hope the best for Starman and for you. Given that he's asymptomatic, the chances seem very good that either he does not have prostate cancer, or the cancer is in a very early stage. Also, many prostate cancers are very slow growing and not all are life threatening. It's not always necessary to get any treatment at all, even if a cancer has been detected. I'm sure the consultant will explain your options. But here's hoping this was merely a false alarm! I'll be thinking of you both.

    1. Thank you Kevan for your very kind response to my post. It's something that you think will never happen to your nearest and dearest. It's always been me who sees the inside of a hospital more than most. I just hate that he has to go through all this. Hugs, Ami

  2. Oh Ami - Waiting on medical results just sucks. Kevan gave you some very good information.

    Telling you not to worry is much easier said than done but please try to keep it down so that you don't make yourself ill.

    Sending lots of prayers your way for Starman and for you.


    1. Thank you so much Cat. I just got off of your blog and have been reading more about your life. I am so glad you found this little community. You are so cheerful always and offer very good advice to all of us. Many thanks for your prayers. Hugs, Ami

  3. Oh Ami!!!!!! We will pray and pray. My eyes teared up for you at the beginning. Then, smile, then more almost tears.
    I'm glad you got the release you needed and how awesome of him to be in HoH mode!

    Please feel free to email and talk!!! About anything. Keep us posted!
    Love and hugs!
    Elle & Fireman!!

    1. Thank you both Elle. I believe very firmly in prayer and have seen it do great things. It's the waiting game that is the killer! I would love to email you if you don't mind. It's so good to have someone to just 'rant' to. Many hugs, Ami

  4. I know it's difficult, but try not to worry. As with most medical tests, there is a possibility of a false positive. If I remember right, only 25% of elevated PSA tests that lead to biopsy are actually cancerous. There are a number of other causes for an elevated PSA level. An enlarged prostate, a minor infection in the prostate, certain medications and even the simple act of ejaculating too close to the test can throw the numbers off. It's also important to remember that PSA levels can rise naturally simply due to aging.

    I suspect that with your husband's family history, the consultant ordered the biopsy to be on the safe side, especially if other tests came out inconclusive. It's kind of like my doctor recommending I take a daily aspirin even though I have no heart problems because both of my parents and nearly all of my grandparents have had high blood pressure, heart problems and/or heart attacks.

    I'll definitely keep you both in my prayers.

    And as far as the rainbow on your bottom, get some arnica. There are homeopathic formulas that you take orally or it's available in a cream. It will help the bruising and soreness disappear faster.

    1. You've given me some very interesting information Dana. Thank you so much for both that and your prayers. I have passed on your first paragraph to Starman. I do so hope it's just due to ageing.

      I, too, take an aspirin each day for exactly the same reasons, but was only told to do so after my heart attack.

      I went out the first time and bought some arnica gel. In the UK it's very expensive, but I thought it would be a worthwhile investment! The bruises seem to have nearly gone today. Starman says I have rhino hide! It didn't feel like that at the time, but I have to concede that it may be the case. Hugs, Ami

  5. Of course you're worried. Everyone would be. I am sending your prayers and positive thoughts.

    Hope your colorful bottom fades soon. 30 minutes of spanking - Wow, no wonder is in bloom.

    1. Thank you very much Sunny for both the prayers and positive thoughts.

      You know, it wasn't 30 minutes of non-stop spanking. I'm not that brave. The mixture was good. The warm up, the horrid stingy thing, then more hand. The latter third was very intermingled with rubbing. It was all quite professional really. I'm still surprised. I think it probably did Starman good to get rid of some of his tension as well. And it is truly fading very quickly this time, and the soreness has completely gone. I still don't understand why I feel so good after it, but I'm not complaining!

      Hugs, Ami

  6. (((hugs))) we'll have both you and Starman in our prayers.

  7. Ami, sweetie I understand that you are worried, but you are going to have a lot of people praying like crazy for you both.
    And what Kevan said is fantastic advice! I would cleave unto that and let us pull you both in for a great big bloggy hug.
    Thinking of you both with big hugs and love

    1. I'm so glad I explained my worries to everyone. It's quite true about a trouble being shared. Kevan's advice was so good wasn't it. Thank you so much for your hugs.

      Love, Ami

  8. (((Hugs))) Ami, sending lots of love, positive thoughts, hugs and prayers to you and Starman. Such wonderful advice from Kevan and Dana above.


    1. Thank you so much Roz. The kindness here is simply amazing. Many hugs, Ami

  9. Hi again Ami
    Okay I asked my daughter, who receives her MD shortly about PSA tests and prostate cancer. She tells me that in the US, where she is in rotations, they do not usually do those tests because they are so unreliable. She says that high PSA can also been indicative of prostatitis, and other conditions like Dana remarked on, such as a benign growth.
    She tells me that cases of metastatic prostate cancer are not as common as one would think and malignant prostate cancer is quite treatable. In her four years of medical school, and rotations she has only seen metastatic prostate cancer once.
    She says, relax Ami - don't make yourself your sick. :)
    Just thought I would let you know what the kid had to say.

    1. Lillie, you just don't know how good it was to read this! Please pass on my thanks to your daughter. (What a proud mum you must be!!) If the worry bugs get too much would you mind me emailing you? Thank you so very much. Hugs, Ami

    2. Anytime, sweetie :)
      big hugs

  10. Oh ami I'm so sorry
    I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I have to just give you my best wishes and keep you in my prayers.

    On the other hand I'm glad Starman did the HOH thing and you got your release. Half an hour wow and that was maintanace. Hope your backside feels better soon. Arnica cream is a super advise I have a tube next to my bed, but I'm only allowed to use it the day after the spanking as he doesn't believe in the relief you get from it :(
    Wishing you and Starman all the best

    1. Thank you very much for both your good wishes and your prayers at this time. And welcome to my blog!

      If you read my comment above you will know that this spanking was very good for both of us. And believe me, the way it was divided up, the half an hour just slipped by! Mostly I was just occupied with trying to be quiet and not kicking! The feeling afterwards was just great. I have the arnica gel which is very good, and this time my bruises are fading very quickly, and the soreness has virtually completely gone.

      Many hugs, Ami

  11. So sorry Ami! I was recently in your position, but only for 4 days. (different cancer) If I had to wait around as long as your, those bats would have moved up to my head. Kevan and Lillie have some good advise. Try to keep yourself busy. All my thoughts and prayers for you and Starman.

    1. Oh Bluey - scary or what! I do hope you are now okay? I am keeping busy. Did three hours ironing this afternoon (which I hate and loathe!) The advice and support I have received here has been outstanding and I can't tell you how grateful I am. Many hugs, Ami

  12. Going through situations like this makes you grow together.
    I recognize everything you describe, especially the " As if I'd let Starman go alone!!!!". Please, if you value your life, never suggest to my Lisa to let me go alone to those conversations.
    No, you go together, because you have grown so much together, that nothing can keep you apart. TTWD somehow makes you one.
    That being said, let's hope for good results.
    Wishing you both, all the best.

    1. It certainly does make you grow together Bas. I'm sure Lisa wouldn't ever ever expect you to go alone to such an appointment. I shall sit as close to Starman as I can! And hold his hand! TTWD is strange isn't it? If we had been having this conversation a year ago, I would have been too horrified to even laugh at such a suggestion. It's one of those things that you actually have to be part of in order to understand it. It is totally beyond me. I think it would take a very important reason to make us stop now. And anyway, we still have a long way to go, and I think that it is one of those things that you are learning all the way along. Many thanks for your good wishes. Hugs, Ami

  13. I just want to say a great big THANK YOU to all the support we have received here. I read all my emails today and thinking they would all be copies of what was posted here have deleted them. But there are some people who have emailed but not posted their comments. To those people - I am so sorry I accidentally deleted your emails and didn't reply. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind wishes and prayers. I'm hoping that in ten days' time I can put the flags out as promised. But if not, I know that we are surrounded by friendship all around the world!

    Love, Ami

  14. Sending thoughts and prayers for you and Starman! Also, be careful to take good care of yourself, the stress of worry can be damaging.

  15. Thank you so much Meg, it is very kind of you. We are going our best. Hugs, Ami

  16. Ami,
    I am thinking about and praying for you two! I see you already have some very good information, all which is very true. I hate that you have to wait, but I hope folks here have been able to give you some comfort and some hope.

    Way to go Starman...taking such good care of you in your stress! :)

    1. Thank you Susie for your kind wishes and prayers, all of which are much needed. The waiting is the hardest thing for us. But the comfort found amongst this community is unbelievable.

      Many hugs, Ami

  17. Dearest Ami, my thoughts and prayers will be with you both and please keep us blogger friends up to date. I am so glad you two connected so well. Hugs and Hugs

    1. At the moment we are trying to keep busy to keep our minds elsewhere. It's so hard not to say "What if?" I know we are not far along our Dd road yet, but the connection is definitely there - it's just honing the edges and ensuring it has a snug fit. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

      Hugs, Ami

    2. At the moment we are trying to keep busy to keep our minds elsewhere. It's so hard not to say "What if?" I know we are not far along our Dd road yet, but the connection is definitely there - it's just honing the edges and ensuring it has a snug fit. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

      Hugs, Ami

  18. Gosh Ami,
    Everyone has said it all. I will offer my thoughts and prayers for you both. Try hard to keep the worry at bay.

    1. Thank you very much Minelle. You can imagine how I am feeling, but we are trying to stay as positive as possible. I just hate this waiting for the results.

      Many hugs, Ami

  19. I've been on my soapbox enough already today and since so many other people have offered good advice and information I'll just keep you and Starman in my thoughts and prayers.

  20. Thank you so much Mrs D, and welcome to my blog. It's truly good to have so very much support.

    Hugs, Ami

  21. Hello Ami. My name is George. I just recently read your blog and wanted to say that I am 60+ and a few years ago I too had an elevated PSA. My Dr did a biopsy and it was negative. Men's PSA does go up as we age and Starman is definately doing the right thing because detected early, prostate cance is very curable. I know how you feel right now waiting to hear the results. It is very scary and although no words can be said which will alleviate your concerns, I will add my prayers along with the others for you both and pray that the results are negative.

  22. Hello George and welcome to my blog. It's good to hear that your biopsy was negative and that everything is still okay. It is certainly the result we are hoping for. Thank you for your comments and for your prayers.

    Hugs, Ami