50 Shades of Dan

Have you noticed, that sometimes you want to write about something, but it is quite difficult to get started? 

This is me having a muse not a moan. Trying to examine thoughts that are whizzing floating around in my head; trying to draw some conclusions.

It seems to have been another stressful week in the Starsong household, one way or another, yet once again Dan has shown me a shade of himself I hadn't anticipated. 

-  My MIL was very unwell at the beginning of the week, and although my SIL calls in every day (she lives in the same village and goes past her door all the time) and I also called around taking food, she has decided to arrange a regular delivery of a 'main meal' - on a daily basis. They are very good meals, inexpensive and interesting. Definitely not tasteless or watery and much more pleasant than 'meals on wheels'. But she is sad that she feels she cannot manage to cook every day for herself any more. She feels it is a little more of her independence she is giving up. 

This is a woman of 87, who gallops about looking after other 'old' people in the village; is a mainstay of the Church; lives independently in her own little bungalow which is spotless and beautifully decorated; who drives her own little silver car (a bit too fast in our opinion!) all over the place; who has a 'boyfriend' of 94; need I go on?

She is the best MIL I could possibly want. I am so lucky to have had her, and have known her longer than my own mother. She is the sort of person you can talk to about anything - and I mean anything! 

She had a coffee morning to raise money for Hospice care in your own home (MacMillan nurses) on Friday morning, and raised over £400. Over the last ten years she has raised in excess of £7,000 with these annual coffee mornings. She started having them when my FIL died of prostate cancer. Fortunately, after I had let everyone know that she wasn't feeling very good, lots of ladies turned up and did everything for her this year, so she just sat in state in her living room, and welcomed everyone and chatted.

However, we do worry about her, and realise she cannot continue living at 100 mph and that she now needs to slow down to at least 80 mph.

-  Our work on our house continues at a snail's pace, although that's probably just my way of looking at it. We are both very stressed by the fact that workmen who you have booked in to do certain jobs, don't bother to turn up when they say they will, and then don't even have the courtesy to phone you to explain why. Timber for a building project which you thought had been ordered a couple of months ago was suddenly only ordered a week ago and hence the project slides to a complete halt. Repair work suddenly costs double what was estimated. Workmen having quoted you a 'day rate' decide to take twice as long as a sloth to complete a job.

-  The conveyancing lawyers are suddenly finding all sorts of little queries in the searches they are making on the house we are attempting to buy in a neighbouring village, and the people who at present live in that house, are having similar problems with a house they are buying elsewhere; this means it is now taking twice as long as we expected it would to exchange contracts and complete the purchase.

-  Dan has had a monitoring PSA test and is now worrying his socks off because the results were higher than he had anticipated (although the hospital warned him that this could be the case, as he only had one side operated on) and he is worried the cancers are growing, despite lots or reassurance to the contrary. 

-  Our grandbaby was ill over last weekend and at the beginning of the week, with what apparently is called "hand, foot and mouth" and is a common illness amongst small children and particularly children who attend nursery. Our daughter then caught it and was in bed three days, she was so ill. Luckily, they both seem much better now, thank goodness.

All these pressures have led me to yet another bad week attitude-wise. I just can't seem to keep a check on my mouth these days. Everything irritates. 

Every single day we've had workmen in, often by 8am. I'm getting to the point where I am sick and tired of all the intrusion into our lives, despite knowing that all this work needs doing, as of yesterday, in fact as of last month! But when you have no privacy because they are working on repairing window-frames and doors and seem to be just everywhere it does have a bit of a negative effect.

Finally, Saturday morning we knew no-one was coming before 9am at the earliest. I had been awake since 6am and I eventually got up around 7.10 and went and brought hot drinks back to bed. Dan surfaced from the world of dreams where he'd snored his head off all night, spoken out loud several times, and even thrown one leg out which landed over mine and woke me up in a complete panic. I was not in the best of moods, just because I still felt tired.

I sat propped up against the headboard and drank my coffee while he was trying to wake up, and then scooted back down and lay curled on my right side away from him and closed my eyes trying to nap. Dan had other ideas. He chatted amiably enough about the day ahead, even throwing in the odd caress to my left rump.

"Are you pouting again?" he asked me. (I thought this was an American expression.) 

"No. I'm just trying to get back to sleep. You snored so loudly I nearly went to the spare room."

"Oh. I'm sorry about that. I expect you snored too. You were certainly snoring around 5 this morning."

"I probably was. Until your leg landed on top of me and gave me heart failure."

I admit I was just a tad 'snarly'.

"Hmmm." 

It was the type of 'hmmm' Dan makes before leaning all over me. See - I'm snarly just thinking about it.

Thwack!

Me: Gasp! Eyes wide open! Rapid intake of breath!

"Go and get the Little Nipper. You need a good spanking."

Me: Slide slowly out of bed, snarl my way across the bedroom. Narrow eyes, feel in the drawer rather hesitatingly.

"We're doing something different this morning."

Me: Senses now on high alert. Difficulty breathing. Hackles begin to rise. Return to bed, 

hand Dan the spatula.

"Hand me the lube."

Me: WHAT!!!!!!!! Sudden intense reluctance. Hand Dan the lube. Get back in bed.

"On you hands and knees. Put your elbows down on the bed."

Me: Thinks, but dares not say, "What the F!!!" Gets down on hands and knees and puts hands under the pillow followed by face in the pillow. Feels lube being liberally spread from front to rear and all over cheeks. Thinks, but dares not say, "What the F is going on here!!!"

Then Dan is homing in on a very sensitive part of my anatomy and causing me to writhe and moan. My body is reacting like dry ground to rain after a lengthy drought. Lots of excited jerks and loud gasps.

"THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! (Repeat around ten times each side.)

Me: OW! OW! OW! (rising in volume as I try to get up and am held firmly down).

"You're hitting too high! Shriek!"

"No, I'm not. THWACK!"

Then Dan goes back to making me writhe and moan.

He repeats this scenario several times while explaining how unhappy he is with my snarky attitude all week.

"Remember THWACK I warned you THWACK what would happen if you THWACK continued to pout all the time." 

Somewhere along the fifth repeat I suddenly think to myself "But he's never read 50 Shades, let alone a single blog, let alone any of my Blushing Books, let alone any other instructions on how to torture your wife!"

My body can't make up its mind whether to orgasm or try for sub space (which I haven't a clue about). Drat and blast the man - where the F did this all come from?! (Good job I'm only thinking these F words!)

Then OMG!!! Dan inserts a finger where I was least expecting it. And continues to spank hard.

I can't believe what he is doing. 

I am trying to wriggle away when another finger joins the party. 

I stop breathing completely, squeak, and collapse on the bed.

The spanks continue and the fingers are now moving in and out.

I am eternally grateful my pillow is thick, I am really not sure about all this or where it might be leading. (I always fought against it and it was never very successful in the past.) 

But suddenly Dan removes his fingers, takes the spatula in that hand, and keeping up his spanking momentum he now uses the hand that was holding the spatula to stroke and tweak me elsewhere. I can feel the waves approaching and they crash over my head like a tsuami and I am even more thankful for my pillow because it dampens the volume a few notches.

Dan is now behind me, returning me to my knees and determined to keep my momentum going the best way he knows. The waves keep coming.

Afterwards all I can do is lie face down and gasp. 

Dan is up and moving around the room doing various things like visiting the bathroom and putting away the spatula. Eventually I manage to turn my head and open my eyes.

Who is this man? He can't possibly be my husband, can he? 

My eyes follow him. I am not only sated beyond imagination,

but I feel more submissive than I have ever felt. And that's saying something! Remember? I am not a submissive type of a person! At least I didn't think I was. 

How do I feel?

I feel a bit sore to tell the truth. But I feel so comfortable and relaxed. I feel as if I have climbed a huge slope and then slid all the way down at light speed on a tea-tray. My body is still making little aftershock jerks.

Dan looks exceptionally pleased with himself.

"You liked it didn't you?"

Still lying on my stomach I nod, very cautiously, and he grins in a superior manner.

"I can almost feel the heat." Yes, I think, so can I. 

"I like that Little Nipper. Certainly does the job. What about breakfast. Is there bacon?"

He strides away along the corridor and I gingerly roll over and sit up. 

What just happened?!

Chaos Theory

I am always as good as my word. If I say I'll do something, come hell or high water, I'll do it. Unless I forget...

Dan, on the other hand, never forgets to do anything he says he will do, although many of those things seem to carry a caveat attached to them which contains the word unless. See how complex my life is?

Dan has most definitely stepped up as far as warnings are concerned. Some days I feel I am being warned every five minutes. But apart from the occasional swat to my rear, especially when he doesn't think I am paying attention to him when we are in bed and he is discussing something portentous, there have been no more serious spanking episodes.

However, we drove to a local supermarket the other day to get a few odds and bits. Dan has this annoying habit of parking in the furthest point away from the entrance doors, which necessitates walking miles! 

He says it's because the spaces are larger there. It aggravates me no end. So as we drive slowly around the car park I point out several ideal places he could park. Dan hates this good advice. He simply doesn't share my logic. In the end he snarls at me, making me jump.

"Ami, what have I told you about fussing and commenting when I am driving?" He raises an eyebrow. It nearly disappears into his hairline. He pulls crookedly into a space. I clamp my teeth together, narrow my eyes and out come some words I am trying hard not to say.

"You're parked diagonally. Was it intentional?"

"Ami, remember Saturday night?" Golly, he is fierce. I am not one to tempt fate. I look down and mutter "Sorry."

When we get out, Dan walks around the car and sighs. He gets back in and re-parks perfectly. I don't even dare look at him let alone make a comment.

I was given some excellent advice after my epic spanking, which was in future to let Dan know when I was feeling obstreperous, and to hand him a selection of implements, and let him make the decision which one to use.

I told Dan this a few mornings ago, when I felt ready and able to trust him with my bottom once again. LOL! He thought it was a great idea.

"Are you feeling in need, then?" He asked me, smirking.

"It's just that I am determined not to get into a situation,like the other Saturday, ever again. I always used to tell you when I needed spanking, but I thought maybe it was too controlling of me; however, I now think anything is preferable to not being able to sit comfortably for several days."

I present Dan with a reasonable selection - the olive wood spatula, the olive wood salad spoon (you can tell where we go on holiday), the leather paddle and the cellulite brush. I figure four is enough to choose from.

Dan asks me to put a pillow behind his back so he can relax whilst spanking me. He likes to be comfortable. I lie gingerly over his lap and he adjusts me so my sit spots are right in front of him. (Aren't I the considerate wife?!)

He starts with his hand. I love his hand. I don't even mind that he spanks ten times twice as hard as he used to, and that his hand often feels like a piece of four by two. I bounce around a bit and the odd "Ow" comes out, but on the whole I am settling into my warm-up.

The 'ows' are becoming a little more frequent, and the warm-up seems to be taking rather longer than I remember. However, the heat is building and I can feel the knot behind my neck beginning to relax.

"Swipe!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Yeeeeoooouch!"

I crane my neck around feeling rather like a Christmas turkey. 

Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe!

Splat, splat, splat, splat, splat, splat!

Swat, swat, swat, swat, swat, swat!

Clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk! (Well how else do you describe a cellulite brush?)

"Dan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Yes, dear?"

"You're using them all!"

"Am I, dear? I thought you had kindly presented me with a choice of implements."

Swipe, splat, swat, clunk!

"But I thought you were just going to choose one!"

Clunk, clunk, jab, jab, jab, jab!

"Shriek! Shriek Shriek! You don't use the bristly side! Ow,it hurts!!! I'll have holes all over my bottom!!! What on earth are you doing?

"I quite like the effect this side produces."

"Dan!!!!!!!!!!!!" I struggle to get up. Dan holds me down. But at least he turns the brush around.

Clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk.

"Remember the car park, Ami? You are very lucky you stopped making those comments when you did."

I am not feeling very lucky.

Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe.

This has turned into a very long spanking. 

"I think I like this little nipper the best. It's so light and easy to use. Everyone should have one of these with recalcitrant wife written all over it."

Tears begin to fall, but so do my stress levels. How can something so painful feel so right?

(Wow, look at this guy's muscles! If Dan had muscles like these I would be very good indeed!)


I hear Dan say something about "I think that's enough, isn't it?"

I can't reply, but he rubs my back and then helps me into a kneeling position.

"I didn't enjoy the other Saturday, but I'll do it again if you behave like that. Do you understand?"

"Yes" I croak. He asks me to show my submissiveness in a rather different way. One hand is in my hair guiding me, the other hand caresses my hot bottom.

Eventually I climb on top of him and we kiss for a while before our day begins - which leads to other things.... 

.... and yes, I admit it, at times we interact just like the couple in the film!

Thoughts on Vulnerability

"I must not think of thee; and, tired yet strong,
I shun the thought that lurks in all delight -
The thought of thee - and in the blue heaven's height,
And in the sweetest passage of a song.
Oh, just beyond the fairest thoughts that throng
This breast, the thought of thee awaits, hidden yet bright;
But it must never, never come in sight;
I must stop short of thee the whole day long.
But when sleep comes to close each difficult day,
And all my bonds I needs must loose apart,
Must doff my will as raiment laid away -
With the first dream that comes with the first sleep
I run, I run, I am gathered to thy heart."

(Renouncement - Alice Meynell)

If you look up the word 'vulnerable' in the dictionary, you are likely to get something like this: 

     Capable of being wounded, liable to injury or hurt,      exposed to attack

As one who gets spanked - you are probably nodding your heads and agreeing with this in part - spanking definitely hurts, you are definitely exposed to attack, and in theory you could get injured or wounded.

However, if injury or wounding was the objective, it wouldn't be spanking, it would be abuse. End of story.

Vulnerability is hard to put into words. We each have our own interpretation of it. We each have our own experiences of being vulnerable. From the very first moment you fall in love with a complete stranger, you place yourself in a vulnerable position. As you live and grow together, that vulnerability takes many forms.

I can't speak for, or advise others. It's been difficult enough for me to come to terms with my own feelings, and to process my thoughts. 

I've come to the conclusion, in part at least, that to admit to feeling vulnerable isn't about admitting to weakness, but to admitting to strength. Perhaps it's the major component of love itself. 

If you find this post confusing, then I apologise. I am still recovering the after effects of metamorphosing from my chrysalis. 

My wings have not yet dried out. 

Vulnerability is scary. We should never take vulnerability for granted, or treat it lightly. Our female ancestors shed blood to cast off vulnerability. They won voting rights for us, they fought so we were able to become nurses, then doctors, lawyers, scientists, engineers - the list is endless.  Make no mistake about it, those women who laid the pathway to equality of the sexes were some of the strongest women history has ever known. They not only laid those pathways, but they held up the flaming torches, so that those of us coming after them, could see their way.

It's not surprising then, that we should have difficulty admitting there are times when we feel vulnerable. Times when we need a good cry, and a good hug and that we just want to pour out our worries and concerns to the one we love the most.

I suppose I was fortunate in that I was brought up in a household where "showing your emotions" was part of our normal day to day existence. Life was lived to the full with the accompaniment of much laughing, crying, anger and serenity. If I misbehaved I was walloped; jokes were for sharing; tempers were lost - my dad and I were the fiery ones; my mother influenced us all with her serenity; we were touchy-feely and hugs were a regular occurrence between all of us. 

Right up until I left home I would climb into bed with my parents in the mornings and we would drink tea/coffee and chat about the day and share any worries or concerns. It was something Dan and I continued with our own family, and even now, on the odd occasion our daughter and the boys stay over for the night without her husband, she, and the boys, will pile into our bed for tea and a chat, first thing in the morning. 

Mind you, the boys do tend to bounce around, upset tea everywhere, and the little one often ends up tipping off the bed and on to the floor where he crawls around like a miniature rocket.

When Dan and I first got together I soon realised that his upbringing had been very different from mine. Much quieter and more conservative. No outward show of emotions. Undemonstrative with comparatively little spontaneous touching or hugging. I can remember how initially he used to say to me that I seemed to want to be all over him all the time. He didn't exactly dislike it, he just wasn't used to it.

So I, after a rocky courtship,learned to keep my emotions towards him, in. Tightly corked. I learned to curb my temper and rarely give way to emotional crying fits. 

He did some learning as well. He gradually loosened up and was able not only to respond more to my emotions, but was able to show me his softer side.

Over the years of our marriage we were able to grow together and we began to admit our vulnerabilities to each other. I think Dan did better than me at this. He suddenly seemed to realise that it's okay for a man to cry, and that it's okay to want to be hugged and comforted. During some of the darker times in our marriage it's the tears, hugs and melting into each other that have carried us through.

We were doing all right. We'd ironed out most of the little (and not so little) creases in our lives, and then I introduced spanking into the mix. 

I can honestly say that since that day, we have probably had more emotional moments than in all the previous years. Right from the beginning it seemed to unlock that door that I had stored my vulnerabilities behind, and ever since, they have poured out like mercury from a broken thermometer. 

My to be avoided at all costs spanking a week ago finally brought all those vulnerable responses right out into the open. 

The spanking did us both the world of good. Dan walked on air the entire day afterwards - and I walked carefully. 

Seriously, it has taken me a long time to process my thoughts. For a while I didn't know how I felt about it, or how I was meant to feel about it.

 I don't know about you, but every spanking in this household seems so 'different'. No two are ever quite the same. Some spankings start as one type and turn out as another type. Some seem to get 'heated' very quickly, and others never seem to 'take off' as we both get distracted very quickly.

We've finally talked about what took place. A well-rounded and two sided discussion.

It was good to hear Dan's point of view when he didn't have a paddle in his hand. It was good to try to explain what I needed from him and how important it was to me. I even managed to explain how important it is to be able to have a good cry and a good hug afterwards. He has gone along with this, but says he never really understood the significance of it till now.

He did tell me to let him know in future if I am feeling needy (although he has said that I am not allowed to feel needy every day as he hasn't got the stamina he used to have LOL) and to bring him an implement and that he will do his best to put the situation right. But he then went into pontificating lecturing mode and told me he would be stepping up his warnings in future and I had better take notice of them. (At this point my eyes began to close

until sharp splat landed on the back of my right thigh.) 

We've also discussed the fact that we have so many outside of our control stresses at the moment and that we don't get much alone time till the evenings when we are both so knackered we can't do a thing except snore. I have been assured that when things get back to normal - things will get back to normal. I don't think I will count my chickens, but then, who knows?

So we continue to orbit around each other like twin suns. I am smaller, and a little lot more fiery. When I start to move too far out of orbit Dan needs to pull me back in. Whilst I need his calming discipline, he needs my sparks, my heat, my flames.

However fast I may run, I  know he will gather me to his heart.

Falling Down the Cracks

When I wrote my last post, little did I expect to be writing another one so soon. As it is quite long enough, I will write about my post-spanking thoughts and feelings in my next post. Right now, I am still having to process what has taken place.

All I can say is that this weekend has seen quite a dramatic turning point for us, although whether consistency will be maintained, is another thing entirely. Suffice to say, that in our version of the TTWD/DD dynamic, the DD part decided it would tap me on the shoulder and issue a reminder that it had lain dormant for far too long, but I should never forget that it was still there in the background.

Saturday was such a horrible day that I am totally amazed that I am still here. I came within a cat's whisker of becoming just a trail of glittering stardust in the night skies above blogland. 

Remember Willie sitting at the bottom of her well looking up at all the mossy stones and dripping water? 

On Saturday morning I fell off the edge of our road and down into a seemingly bottomless chasm. 

Not a bit of moss or dripping water in sight. Just endlessly vertical rock face leading upwards, with scarcely a glint of light signifying the sky above; no handholds or footholds. Nothing.

It should have been such a good day.

I had planned it all out in my head that I would do my best to explain to Dan that I felt like a swarm of bees was under my skin trying to gain entry to the world, and that I needed him to address the situation. 

But as usual in the Starsong household, Murphy's Law rules.

I woke up early and went downstairs to do the tea/coffee run. I returned to bed smiling and happy. It went rapidly downhill from that point.

Dan sat sipping his tea and made up his mind to talk about our forthcoming move, and what we needed to do in order to make our house ready to go on the market. He wondered where on earth we were going to put 32 years of 'stuff' from our present abode, due to down-housing, and how we were going to tackle all the finances. This conversation was on its eighth or ninth re-run.

By the time he finished both his tea and his conversation, I had zoned out completely; and by the time he suddenly lunged at my bosoms expecting my usual enthusiastic response, the spark had completely disappeared. Instead of reigniting the flame, I felt annoyed and irritated. What I wanted was instant recognition of my neediness, not delicate butterfly kisses. After all, I reasoned, they could come later. 

I sulked big time, and from then on it went to hell in a handcart. 

I won't bore you with the details, but it was the usual "What's suddenly got into you?" followed by "Nothing." snarled back, followed by one of the most heated rows we have had in many a year. 

It became a full blown shouting match, which erupted into a full blown "Why can't you just spank me spontaneously like the other husbands do?" argument and then Dan lost it and said "All these bloody ideas you get from the internet!" So I yelled back that "Okay, if you want to go back to how we were, so be it. I'll take down my blog and we'll return to our uninspired little existence and I expect we will muddle through. After all, we always did. But I just want you to know that when you are like this, it makes me feel that what I want is always dangling up there just out of reach, and it hurts me so much to know that you can't even manage to help lift me up so I can reach it."

We yelled at each other back and forth for a while longer - all the usual topics being aired. It was ugly and horrid. Me crying and Dan raging. Hateful.

Eventually he slammed out of the bedroom and I cried in the shower for the next half an hour. We avoided each other downstairs, him eating cereal and me feeling as if I would choke if I tried to eat anything, and then he went off outside to continue with some hedge-cutting. I stayed inside and put on my earphones and ironed whilst listening to my I-pod. 

My very closest friend arrived ten minutes later and although she must've wondered why my eyes were so red and watery, she said not a word, and Dan came in for a cup of coffee and life calmed down somewhat.

In the afternoon we went out to a hardware store/garden centre to buy some new paintbrushes, a terracotta pot and some new garden tools, and we stopped on the way home at his sister's for a cup of tea. In fact, we ended up having a Chinese takeaway and so we didn't get home until 9pm, and we admitted afterwards that we had really enjoyed our impromptu visit.

If you want a long and successful marriage, you try to get over rows and arguments as soon as you can, apologising and trying to find middle ground. You own up to your shortcomings and you move on.

This was different. I felt thoroughly miserable because I felt I had handled it all so badly. Had I just produced a wooden spoon or a paddle right at the outset, perhaps the whole situation could've been diffused. Hindsight is a wonderful thing in any relationship, let alone in a TTWD/DD relationship. Bloody 'bitch-troll'!

We sat and watched a programme on Catch-up TV, and I went off to bed around 10pm. I am always an early bird going to bed. I like to lie and read my Kindle for a while, and Dan tends to arrive between 11 and 11.30pm - occasionally finding me already asleep. This time it was around 11.45 apparently. 

Rousing from a deep slumber, I gradually became aware that next to me was a bourgeoning HOH determined to have his say and determined that I would hear him. 

I vaguely remember hearing the words "spank your bloody arse" and "what the hell is this?" 

as he dragged up my nightie up around my waist and threw back the duvet, and then I was being rolled on to my front and his hand was landing so hard it almost made my bones rattle.

It wasn't at all amusing at the time. But looking back, I can now see that it did have its funny side.

It was pitch black in our bedroom apart from a little moonlight streaming in through a chink in the curtains, and Dan had, as always, removed his contact lenses for the night. Therefore he couldn't see a thing, and was spanking by intuition, not sight. As I sleep on his right, and he is right-handed, he was using his left hand. But it felt like a plank of wood.

By the third stroke I was crying, and by the tenth I was being bounced on the bed by the force of the strokes like a rubber ball on a trampoline. I began to think he was never going to stop. 

Then he did, and I wished he hadn't. I felt him leap up from the bed and cross the room to our chest of drawers. I could hear him opening and closing the drawers and he finally yelled "Which bloody drawer are they in, second or third?"

I choked. My crying came to a rapid halt and I drew a quick, shaky breath, quite unable to answer, and seriously wondered whether or not I had time to make a run for it. 

Craning my head round in the bit of moonlight afforded by the gap, all I could see was my underwear - froths of silk, lace, cotton and frills - exploding like a volcano all over the bedroom. 

Then there was a muttered "Right" and he was back on the bed and sitting on my ankles.

What followed was my admission to a very exclusive club. I believe the invitation stated "Barnwarmer" and it is a party that I hope never to revisit ever again in my life.  Those of you who already belong to this club will not need a description, and those who don't yet belong are not going to get a description as it is something too painful, both mentally and physically to describe.

Suffice to say I howled and howled. I was trapped and couldn't move an inch, so I just buried my face in my pillow and sobbed. I could not have responded verbally to what Dan was saying; and indeed, I could only hear the occasional word, as panic was setting in and I was wondering, at one point, whether I would survive or not.

Due to the fact that he still couldn't really see what he was spanking, Dan spanked a little on the 'high' side, and at one point I wailed "Too high, too high" to him, and he mercifully gave me a quick three-spank flourish on my right buttock, and stopped.

I continued to cry for a very long time while Dan stroked my bottom gently and allowed me to recover. It wasn't long before his strokes turned to other things, although I hissed when my backside made contact with the bed linen. The security and comfort I felt in his arms was indescribable and gentle, considering what had just taken place between us. 

Strangely, it was Dan who fell asleep first, an arm around my middle, holding me close, and who, having rid himself of all his stresses, had the best night's sleep. 

This is the first time I have ever been woken to be spanked. Dan always spanks me in the mornings, or during the day. Never at night. For me, it was too much to process all at once. I did finally drop off only to wake a couple of hours later with my head buzzing. I got up in the end and went downstairs and made myself toast and had a glass of milk - standing up.

Dan made our drinks on Sunday morning, and we then had another loving interlude before breakfasting leisurely and showering. 

But I was truly shocked when I caught sight of my backside in my full-length mirror. I look as if I have been mauled by a bear, with its claws out. 

Large purple and red paddle shapes cover both my buttocks, most of the bruising to the right, where he could reach better. 

I am walking very stiffly and sitting, even on a cushion, or on the sofa, is difficult and makes me bite my lip. I just can't get comfortable, and I now understand the meaning of the the saying "I'll make sure you don't sit comfortably for a week." It looks most unattractive and I just know my poor bottom is going to take ages to recover. Thank goodness for Arnica.

But I deserved it. I took the "Disrespect" rule and trampled all over it. Perhaps I thought it didn't apply to me any more. Luckily Dan though differently. Once again I underestimated my husband. 

All day long I have been as high as a kite. Strangely, I feel a bit like a newly wed, and I've noticed how caring and attentive Dan has been, bantering and smiling at me. I've noticed that he has given me several small 'requests' today, and ensured I wasn't able to wriggle out of them by staying close and attentive. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.

As I said at the beginning, I have no idea whatsoever whether Dan intends to be consistent. I shouldn't think so, although I plan no repeat performances - ever! I have learned the hard way, that prevention is most definitely better than cure! However, I am looking at him with very different eyes, and I fully intend to be better with communicating my feelings and my needs, in future. 

Perhaps, best of all, I didn't have to worry about the lack of hand and footholds in order to climb up out of that chasm. 

I simply floated out.