Thoughts on Vulnerability

"I must not think of thee; and, tired yet strong,
I shun the thought that lurks in all delight -
The thought of thee - and in the blue heaven's height,
And in the sweetest passage of a song.
Oh, just beyond the fairest thoughts that throng
This breast, the thought of thee awaits, hidden yet bright;
But it must never, never come in sight;
I must stop short of thee the whole day long.
But when sleep comes to close each difficult day,
And all my bonds I needs must loose apart,
Must doff my will as raiment laid away -
With the first dream that comes with the first sleep
I run, I run, I am gathered to thy heart."

(Renouncement - Alice Meynell)

If you look up the word 'vulnerable' in the dictionary, you are likely to get something like this: 

     Capable of being wounded, liable to injury or hurt,      exposed to attack

As one who gets spanked - you are probably nodding your heads and agreeing with this in part - spanking definitely hurts, you are definitely exposed to attack, and in theory you could get injured or wounded.

However, if injury or wounding was the objective, it wouldn't be spanking, it would be abuse. End of story.

Vulnerability is hard to put into words. We each have our own interpretation of it. We each have our own experiences of being vulnerable. From the very first moment you fall in love with a complete stranger, you place yourself in a vulnerable position. As you live and grow together, that vulnerability takes many forms.

I can't speak for, or advise others. It's been difficult enough for me to come to terms with my own feelings, and to process my thoughts. 

I've come to the conclusion, in part at least, that to admit to feeling vulnerable isn't about admitting to weakness, but to admitting to strength. Perhaps it's the major component of love itself. 

If you find this post confusing, then I apologise. I am still recovering the after effects of metamorphosing from my chrysalis. 

My wings have not yet dried out. 

Vulnerability is scary. We should never take vulnerability for granted, or treat it lightly. Our female ancestors shed blood to cast off vulnerability. They won voting rights for us, they fought so we were able to become nurses, then doctors, lawyers, scientists, engineers - the list is endless.  Make no mistake about it, those women who laid the pathway to equality of the sexes were some of the strongest women history has ever known. They not only laid those pathways, but they held up the flaming torches, so that those of us coming after them, could see their way.

It's not surprising then, that we should have difficulty admitting there are times when we feel vulnerable. Times when we need a good cry, and a good hug and that we just want to pour out our worries and concerns to the one we love the most.

I suppose I was fortunate in that I was brought up in a household where "showing your emotions" was part of our normal day to day existence. Life was lived to the full with the accompaniment of much laughing, crying, anger and serenity. If I misbehaved I was walloped; jokes were for sharing; tempers were lost - my dad and I were the fiery ones; my mother influenced us all with her serenity; we were touchy-feely and hugs were a regular occurrence between all of us. 

Right up until I left home I would climb into bed with my parents in the mornings and we would drink tea/coffee and chat about the day and share any worries or concerns. It was something Dan and I continued with our own family, and even now, on the odd occasion our daughter and the boys stay over for the night without her husband, she, and the boys, will pile into our bed for tea and a chat, first thing in the morning. 

Mind you, the boys do tend to bounce around, upset tea everywhere, and the little one often ends up tipping off the bed and on to the floor where he crawls around like a miniature rocket.

When Dan and I first got together I soon realised that his upbringing had been very different from mine. Much quieter and more conservative. No outward show of emotions. Undemonstrative with comparatively little spontaneous touching or hugging. I can remember how initially he used to say to me that I seemed to want to be all over him all the time. He didn't exactly dislike it, he just wasn't used to it.

So I, after a rocky courtship,learned to keep my emotions towards him, in. Tightly corked. I learned to curb my temper and rarely give way to emotional crying fits. 

He did some learning as well. He gradually loosened up and was able not only to respond more to my emotions, but was able to show me his softer side.

Over the years of our marriage we were able to grow together and we began to admit our vulnerabilities to each other. I think Dan did better than me at this. He suddenly seemed to realise that it's okay for a man to cry, and that it's okay to want to be hugged and comforted. During some of the darker times in our marriage it's the tears, hugs and melting into each other that have carried us through.

We were doing all right. We'd ironed out most of the little (and not so little) creases in our lives, and then I introduced spanking into the mix. 

I can honestly say that since that day, we have probably had more emotional moments than in all the previous years. Right from the beginning it seemed to unlock that door that I had stored my vulnerabilities behind, and ever since, they have poured out like mercury from a broken thermometer. 

My to be avoided at all costs spanking a week ago finally brought all those vulnerable responses right out into the open. 

The spanking did us both the world of good. Dan walked on air the entire day afterwards - and I walked carefully. 

Seriously, it has taken me a long time to process my thoughts. For a while I didn't know how I felt about it, or how I was meant to feel about it.

 I don't know about you, but every spanking in this household seems so 'different'. No two are ever quite the same. Some spankings start as one type and turn out as another type. Some seem to get 'heated' very quickly, and others never seem to 'take off' as we both get distracted very quickly.

We've finally talked about what took place. A well-rounded and two sided discussion.

It was good to hear Dan's point of view when he didn't have a paddle in his hand. It was good to try to explain what I needed from him and how important it was to me. I even managed to explain how important it is to be able to have a good cry and a good hug afterwards. He has gone along with this, but says he never really understood the significance of it till now.

He did tell me to let him know in future if I am feeling needy (although he has said that I am not allowed to feel needy every day as he hasn't got the stamina he used to have LOL) and to bring him an implement and that he will do his best to put the situation right. But he then went into pontificating lecturing mode and told me he would be stepping up his warnings in future and I had better take notice of them. (At this point my eyes began to close

until sharp splat landed on the back of my right thigh.) 

We've also discussed the fact that we have so many outside of our control stresses at the moment and that we don't get much alone time till the evenings when we are both so knackered we can't do a thing except snore. I have been assured that when things get back to normal - things will get back to normal. I don't think I will count my chickens, but then, who knows?

So we continue to orbit around each other like twin suns. I am smaller, and a little lot more fiery. When I start to move too far out of orbit Dan needs to pull me back in. Whilst I need his calming discipline, he needs my sparks, my heat, my flames.

However fast I may run, I  know he will gather me to his heart.