Monday 1 September 2014

What do you do, when the road disappears?

I've been pondering this post for some time.



Some years ago we were travelling in France with some friends. It was autumn, and the nights were drawing in with darkness coming early.  We had travelled down to Mont St Michel and were returning by a different route to that which we had taken on our trip down. The towns were smaller, and so were the roads. 

We were very tired, having travelled for most of the day, and had decided to stay in a certain town overnight. We rang ahead and booked a room in a local hotel. The only local hotel. 

The journey took longer than expected, and we were later than we had anticipated, so therefore it was completely dark and we were driving along a road with very few signs. We hoped we were headed in the right direction.

All of a sudden, the road ran out. It simply wasn't there any more. Instead, there were a couple of signs - not too big - telling us that 20 metres in front was the River Seine and that we would need to catch the ferry to get to the other side.


It was very scary. There was no barrier, and not even much in the way of lighting. All we could see, virtually immediately in front of the car, was a the gleam of fast flowing water.



I suppose we waited for around twenty minutes, and then suddenly lights seemed to be coming towards us from across the river. A ferry (just like this one) materialised out of the darkness and very shortly we were being shepherded aboard. I think we were the only vehicle. The crossing took around ten minutes and soon we were on our way once again, giggling nervously about our experience.




The small town we sought was only a ten minute drive and we were soon checking in to a hotel looking like something out of the 1950s - plain, austere and lacking in character. Nevertheless our rooms were clean if somewhat simple. 

However, we were then informed that they didn't 'do' evening meals, and that we would have to make our own arrangements. 

So we literally toured the town. It didn't take long. There wasn't much to be seen, especially in the darkness. Our tummies were rumbling and we were thinking that we were going to have to go without. There wasn't even a bar anywhere, let alone a restaurant. 

Then rounding a corner, we espied a huge brightly lit neon sign. It was in the shape of a huge hand with a pointing finger. It was pointing towards a dark and dismal little cafe with plastic flowers in the window. We looked at each other and decided that it was going to have to be that or nothing.




We opened the door.

What a surprise! It was brightly lit, cheerful, full of character, and the menu was extraordinary.



I really cannot remember what we all ate individually, but I remember Dan and our male friend having difficulty in translating and understanding what a certain dish was. Literally translated it said "Creature from the forest". Luckily, as they both decided to try their luck and order it, it turned out to be hare, and it was apparently superb.

I know we each had three or four courses, and it wasn't expensive either. The patron was very friendly and we laughed and joked, and ended up with liqueurs on the house.

Looking back, it was one of the best evenings we have ever had in France. Very memorable.

So, what I want to ask is 'What happens when we run out of road


How do we cope with a cessation of spanking activities, and how do we face up to the challenge of returning to them?

I won't deny that it's been a bugger of a summer for us in the Starsong household.

Dan attended his post-op checkup and I am happy to report that he is doing really well; his PSA is right down, and he looks so much better than he did. They intend to monitor him regularly, but the new treatment has been everything we hoped it would be.

We attended a wonderful wedding in the middle of July - our son's best friend got married. The weather was hotter than hot, we were spending lots of time in the garden and out and about. 

I went into hospital soon after, to have a small but significant operation (down there) which I had been putting off for the last thirty years or so. It was excruciating and I was one miserable bunny for the first couple of weeks until I healed. 




However, and this is a big however, just over a week after my operation Dan developed viral pneumonia. So instead of resting and being able to move around at a snail's pace, I had to go into "carer, sympathy provider, and full-time attendant" mode.



In all our married life I have never known my husband take to his bed for four whole days, and several half days thereafter. It was the middle of August before the second lot of antibiotics started to have a positive effect - and then, naturally, I got it too. For a time our house echoed with the pair of us coughing in stereo!


Sadly, Dan is not very good at the nurturing role. He can't cook for a start. Laundry, with modern computerised machines, has him in a meltdown, and even trying to organise the dishwasher requires supreme effort. 

Eventually I had to get up and stagger around. It wasn't funny. I got a heck of a telling off from our daughter who stated that her father is only like this because I have spent a lifetime running around after him.

Personally I have never seen it from that perspective. He has his jobs around the house (chopping wood, sorting out the septic tank, mowing lawns, keeping the cars fuelled up and regularly serviced, seeing that all the finances are trouble-free) and I have mine (cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping and everything else associated with running a household). For thirty seven years it has worked like a charm.

But throw into the mix a new dynamic, a new way of "sharing the load", of addressing problems and hiccups that every marriage encounters, and you begin to wonder whether in fact you were right to bring about such changes, and whether in fact they are doing any good.

When I had my operation, I was told that it was likely to be six weeks before I felt anything like my old self, and so Dan gave me a light spanking (for luck) the night before, careful to leave no marks, and we discussed the fact that I would probably not feel like any 'touching' at all 'down there' for the foreseeable future. LOL!




There was just one small window of opportunity, (Ha!) when Dan began to feel better and over his pneumonia and before I began to feel ill with mine. 

I was becoming increasingly snappy, irritable and keen for a fight.



Dan announced calmly at breakfast one morning that he felt I was due for a spanking and that we would be going back upstairs immediately after breakfast.




I was so amazed that he had noticed my lack of co-operation, and that I had not had to remind him of what to do under such circumstances, that I was momentarily rendered speechless. Which, for those who know me well, will seem like an impossibility. 

Later, upstairs and over his knee, he explained that he was going to go very carefully and easy on me, (he used the leather paddle - that is what he thinks of as 'going easy' - wish you could see my eyes narrow!)



and whilst he intended to use the paddle to warm me up as well as spank, he would go gently and for a bit longer than he normally does when he is whaling away. Hmmm.

True to his word he was very careful (of my bottom) but the backs of my poor thighs, and my sit spots, were deemed to be safe to attack. He sizzled me till I thought I would spontaneously combust from the heat, but all I could see when I checked in the mirror afterwards was a pulsating scarlet. No marks or bruises. In fact although I gritted my teeth, it was not so bad I felt I had to shed any tears. Whew!



But the very next day I began to feel unwell, and then my temperature shot through the roof, and so it was my turn for four days in bed.

I think I can safely say we are over it at last. His coughing has now stopped, and mine is getting further and further between bouts. We still both feel as weak as kittens, and need a short sit down in the afternoons, (well an hour or so, in my case) but things are once more on the up.

So, having run out of road, and safely negotiated the ferry across the river, we are now in the town and looking for a decent restaurant, or in our case, we need, desperately, to get back to what has, for us, become a normal part of our lives - Dan spanking my bottom!

And it's hard.

When you stop something, it is hard to go back. You feel nervous. Shy.



Do you just plunge in, or do you put a toe in the water and estimate how cold it is and whether you need to proceed with caution? 

Dan has gone into "tick over" mode, and I am rapidly reverting to "bring it on" mode.

He is trying his best to be solicitous to my needs, without mentioning the spanking 'word', and I am seething, champing at the bit, and feeling out of sorts with the world.

Every time I read a post about someone else's delicious spanking, I froth at the mouth!

Yet I have become too much of a coward to say anything to him. I just can't bring myself to ask.

Because I know exactly what will happen. That bloody "little nipper" will come out and I am not sure I will be able to cope with it. Almost sooner the bath brush. At least that is solid and thuddy. But that thin olive wood spatula literally burns. I hate it with all my might. When the last one split down the middle, I was delighted. I thought "Ha! That's the end of that!" But then he bought this new one in Rhodes and believe me, they know how to make spatulas over there. There is no way this one is going to break in a hurry. My bottom is wincing just thinking about it.

But do I need to be spanked?

Should I lie? 

I need to be spanked for so many reasons. 

Not just because I am beginning to act in a disrespectful manner, but because I need to feel he cares enough to pick up an implement and lambast me with it. I need to know he cares enough to want to renew the connection. I need to know he cares enough to put aside his concerns for my physical welfare, and attend to my mental welfare. I need to know that he has the courage of "my convictions". 

But I am still scared. 



As much as I love to be spanked, I hate the pain of it as it is happening. Especially that moment when you feel frantic because you think they are never going to stop. They have you anchored down with a leg over your legs, and they have a hand on your back keeping you in place so that you are unable to 'swim' forwards.

How is it that I enjoy 'sexy' spankings so much that I nearly orgasm at the thought, yet I am so afraid of the 'real' ones? 

How can a break of a few weeks feel like the road has disappeared in front, and I am hanging on by my fingernails and not even wanting to turn my head to see if there could be a wonderful restaurant mascarading as a 'down at heel joint' under that brightly lit neon sign, just a little way further on?


I am scared that even if I take a chance and walk in the door of that restaurant, I won't like the menu, and that the dish I choose will give me heartburn.

 

29 comments:

  1. Master and i have had breaks...because of my illness last year or because of travel...and i always, always feel so nervous and shy before that first spanking has occurred. I want/need it so desperately, i questions if i can take it, what if i know hate it.....and yes spankings do hurt. All this to say...you will get there, i am sure of it. Maybe you could ease the way, but planning a romantic...sexy..interlude that includes you presenting your bottom and having the toys you like laid out on the bed....It 's been a rough summer for you, but you weathered it, and i am sure better times are ahead.
    hugs abby

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    1. The trouble is that I have never felt quite like this before.

      I'm not nervous or scared of Dan - but I am nervous and scared about being spanked. I have no idea why I should feel this way.

      Perhaps I should take your advice and try to get into a sexy mindset and forget about anything more serious. Maybe I need to wind down and not feel so tense about it - just let it return naturally and in its own time without fussing.

      Thanks for your suggestions, Abby.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  2. If anyone knows how you feel, I do. But my mind is in such a jumble as this are we, aren't we, goes on in my mind I can't even post. Sadly I'm thinking of lets just forget the whole thing. I'm glad you aren't there. I have no doubt you'll forge ahead and all will be well again.

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    1. Well I am glad there are two of us!

      When you look at this from 360 degrees, it would be such a shame to ruin what we have by forcing the issue. I don't want to do that.

      I think that we can sometimes reach little points in our lives when instead of being happy and satisfied with the 'here and now' we want to taste the grass on the other side of the hill; then we realise how stupid we are.

      Tell you what, PK, we'll hold hands and walk along and have a good moan to each other, then we'll smile and forge ahead together, thanking heaven that we have what we have, when so many other 'ladies of a certain age' are sadly slipping into a world of grey perms, slippers and mince (ground beef) on Wednesdays!

      See? I always know how to perk up a conversation!

      (Just think - MONKEY SEX!) LOL!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  3. This was perfect Ami. I even had my Scotsman read from, "do I need to be spanked?" Your words explain my feelings so perfectly!

    I am so sorry you have had such a rough time! I am thinking about you, and hoping you feel better every day!

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    1. Oh Minelle! How will I ever look your Scotsman in the eye when we meet eventually?! (when I am doing my grand tour of blogland for real)

      It's true though. I am stuck on a little wheel like a hamster. I need to keep running, but in reality I am desperate to get off and resume this lifestyle of ours that has become so precious - to me at least.

      I have at last stopped coughing! Big step forwards!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  4. Ami.

    Lovely post.

    You have been through a rough summer. You will get there and all will be well at the Starsong household that I'm sure of.

    Sending love and hugs,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    1. Thanks, Ronnie, I do hope so.

      At the moment everyone else's lives seem so enticing. I'm not normally envious, but right now I am soooo needy, and yet I just don't really want what I know I need. Very strange emotions.

      Thanks for your love and hugs. Back at you.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  5. To me, the solution is to abstain from the real ones for a while, until you are more comfortable with the sexy ones. Maybe you'll find they will be enough.

    Glad you both are on the road to recovery. It's the pits being older, it takes so much longer doesn't, it?

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    1. Hi Leigh. Yes, I liked Abby's suggestion. I think it is sensible. After all, why spoil what we have? I must learn to take each day as it comes and not harp for stuff that is temporarily out of reach.

      Hopefully we will be back on an even keel eventually.

      Don't even mention being older to me! I hate and loathe it. I just have to tell myself that we are the fortunate ones who are here to enjoy growing old together. So many are not so lucky.

      And yes, EVERYTHING takes longer these days! LOL!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  6. Hi Ami, oh bless you both. I think maybe you are going to just going to have to come out and say exactly what you know you need. Pity he doesn't read this, then he would know...
    love Jan,xx

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    1. Hi Jan,

      We haven't even met up this summer! Oh dear, I don't know where the time goes! And now I shall be nervous as I shall look like a big fat cream cake next to slim and lithe little you!

      No, I can't get Dan to read anything whatsoever on the blogs. I have even tried printing stuff out, but he just won't go there. Hopeless.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  7. Ami,
    You really bullseyed this post. You want it, but as it happening, you are thinking you are completely nuts. I love how you took us through your thought process, the doubting, the wanting, I have so been there. Peace must be now yours after so much illness. We waited a long time to hear that you have climbed out from under that rock of illness and we are all thrilled you are here.
    Meredith

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    1. Hi Meredith,

      I'm glad you understood what I was trying to say. It's always difficult putting something into print, because you are never quite sure whether people will read it in a different way.

      I have never felt this way before, and it is quite hard, and strange.

      Perhaps our health issues this summer have had more of an impact than I had thought. I think we need to take this slowly and not force anything.

      I would rather continue with our weekly 'sexy/maintenance' spankings, than lose everything we have achieved so far just because I am being grouchy and impatient. With this house move, I know that Dan is stressed too. We sometimes forget about our men and their feelings. But I am so glad we both feel better than we did. It hasn't been a very good summer - but autumn is here and so far it looks like being a good one.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  8. Beautiful post Ami...you have been through so much this summer...happy you and Dan are both on the road to recovery.

    Remember way back when how you took a deep breath and told Dan what you wanted? Then you could old guess what the results would be...now you know. So my friend...bite the bullet and ask for a spanking...you both need it. ;) I have faith you two will find your way soon.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Thanks, Cat. I think we are actually both feeling much better now. I know I am even getting more energy, thankfully.

      The thing is that I just can't seem to ask for a 'proper' spanking at the moment, regardless of the fact I so need one. I think I must be patient with myself and also with Dan, and just 'go with the flow'.

      Perhaps it does us all good to go through times like these. It makes us more appreciative of what we have.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  9. I understand completely! While we haven't suffered through the illnesses you have this past YEAR, we have had summer vacation and Barney's brutal hours at work to contend with.

    That left us with silent implements that are stingy and leave me in No Man's Land. The connection hasn't been made, if you know what I mean. As time goes on, you begin to wonder if it is needed at all- All the while churning inside because you know it is just a defense mechanism to believe you don't.

    I also understand that asking for it, well it isn't always as fulfilling when you then become on the receiving end. Asking for a erotic spanking is one thing....but the fact that he "SEES" you and the fact that you NEED one means just as much as the spanking itself. If not more at times.

    I have no advice. I just hope things resume shortly for you ( and selfishly for me too).

    Much love
    willie

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    1. I think it is time the issue of "No Man's Land" is addressed on the blogs once again. I am sure there must be some 'newbies' who would benefit from the discussion, and it's a hard thing to describe.

      You hit the nail on the head when you said that the longer you go without, the more you wonder whether you needed any of it in the first place. Is it a defence mechanism? I am not certain. I'm not certain of anything any more.

      I have no problem in asking for an erotic spanking. In fact they often occur spontaneously. We don't do punishment spankings. So that leaves the weekly RA/maintenance/come here and be spanked/just because I want to/ouch that really hurts/bloody hell you are killing me, type of spankings that we usually do. The ones that start off normally and rapidly become intense as they address issues, either past or current or to come.

      I remember this time last year I often asked Dan for a spanking, with no problem. But now, I just can't get the words out. I feel he should know how I am feeling, and I feel fed up if he doesn't. But he is only human and can't read my mind. So maybe I am being awkward.

      See. I am going round in circles. I just hope you are doing better than me!

      Many hugs
      Ami

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  10. It has been a difficult summer for you both. I am glad you are both healing. Our only real spankings are the fun sexy ones but even with those if we have not been active in a long time, worries - doubts - fears - concerns may come to surface for me. And every time happens differently. After a long time apart for whatever reason...sometimes it just happens, sometimes I ask, sometimes it starts with flirting, sometimes a letter with words expressing my feelings, sometimes there is anger or sadness before I can share anything, sometimes I wish I had left my fantasy a secret and wondered if it would be easier that way not have to have those long times of feeling confused, alone, neglected, or needy... But usually always despite the array of emotions we always come back together...connect in our special way. Of course, these are just my experiences and feelings - I have no advise to give. Just be open to whatever you are feeling and I hope you find a way to connect soon. :-) Many Hugs

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    1. Hi Terps,

      I think there is a lot of very good advice in what you say. "...be open to what you are feeling..." I am now beginning to think our communication is perhaps not what it should be. But it is very hard to ask. I just can't seem to do so.

      Deep down, I think I just have to curb my impatience and relax. After all, I am only just beginning to feel better and have more energy. Perhaps this break will turn out to be a good thing.

      I know that 'spanking' is here to stay in this household. It's just that it may take a while longer before we get the spontaneity back.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  11. I can only tell you what happens in my own head, but I know that I am afraid of the real ones b/c they are the ones which force vulnerability. It's not simple enough to say that I want to avoid the pain...it's more that I don't want to go through where the pain takes me. During those I end up giving up control, usually crying my heart out, telling my husband how hard things have been, how much some days suck etc. There's a certain shyness that comes from even thinking about such things...even if I know it's what I need b/c I'm in turmoil inside. It's a lot easier (less vulnerable) to get through life day by day and not admit how much I need him and want that much deeper level of connection. You and I are very different...but something to think about in case any of that resonates.

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    1. Hi Susie,

      Thank you so much for commenting. Sometimes we think we are very different when in fact we are no where near as different as we had thought.

      I have always admired the people here who 'seem' to have achieved what they 'wanted' right from the get go. In a way, I suppose I am a bit wistful and even a bit envious. For us, it may seem to have been a smooth journey, but in fact I often feel like we are always climbing hills and that the valleys are far and few between.

      Everything Dan does forces 'thought, consideration and patience' on me. And I can tell you that I am the most impatient human being you could ever meet. I am hopeless. Everything must be at light speed.

      Spankings in general, don't get intense around here unless they are of the sexy type. But when they do, I almost panic. In fact I do panic. All I can think of is the pain, and nothing else. Dan has even told me off for acting as if I am being murdered. He would never, and I emphasise that in case anyone new around here is reading this, NEVER cause me harm. So I have nothing to worry about, yet I still yell the place down and struggle and kick.

      When I am feeling mentally anguished, I cry before he even touches me. Then he tells me he is hardly using any strength. But it still hurts terribly.

      You are so right about the shyness to do with discussing our thoughts and feelings. Dan still gets uncomfortable and embarrassed during such discussions, and I think it is to do with him not wanting to hurt me and still having a job when I cry, especially when I cry for quite a long time afterwards.

      Vulnerability means laying yourself open to pain and hurt. Over here, we have the 'stiff upper lip' - which means you don't give in to vulnerability. Sadly, being half continental, I was brought up to show vulnerability. Rather too much. I have had to work hard to keep it in. And now I am having trouble releasing it. (This probably doesn't make a bit of sense, sorry.)

      I have these awful meltdowns when I get over stressed. Only Dan's arms holding me tight can help me. My main worry is that of 'running out of time'.

      It is much easier to go through my days and not think about it; that act of admitting how much I need him is what is so scary. But I have also seen Dan's vulnerable side. That scares me too, and over the past year I have been called upon to wrap my arms around him and reassure him more than you could imagine. That is 'real' pain. It's like a knife in the gut.

      Not only can't I do without Dan, but he cannot do without me. We orbit around each other. Since starting TTWD I have learned so much. We actually SEE each other now. I have learned to listen, and so has he. It's quite incredible. So I don't want to be a stupid bratty woman and rock the boat just out of selfishness. Because I know I can be selfish. So really, what I am saying, is that I almost completely agree with everything you have said. It's just that this time, I am finding it difficult to ASK to be spanked, because I don't want to force things, and maybe he is right to not rush, and I am just being impatient and selfish. I just don't know.

      Thank you once again - it's good knowing other people have sucky days too!


      BTW, that book you recommended to me, Rotary Magic, has been such a brilliant book. You should see how I am progressing with my quilting. I am well on the way to finishing two large quilts, and every time anyone wonders about the fact that I haven't been doing quilting for long, I brandish the book and tell them I have learned everything I know from it - even quarter inch turns! Quilting is definitely compulsive - you were right about that too!

      Many hugs
      Ami

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    2. I completely understand what you are saying Ami. It's all the same emotions and angst, it just works slightly differently. I have had a similar experience with my husband's vulnerability--though I think not as tough as yours. When he was travelling extensively, he would come home so exhausted. He would be hopeless for going on a week and all I wanted to do was take care of him...but at the same time I also needed to be taken care of. I think it is kind of amazing how ttwd when taken to the next level creates a trust where these strong guys let us see their soft spots and they too learn to communicate. It is as you said...we orbit around each other and it didn't use to be that way here. It is interdependence.

      Hey, you aren't being selfish...you are being you. You'll ask when the time is right, or maybe he will see it in your eyes and just know. Hoping for you.

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  12. Oh, Ami, you and Dan have been through so much! I'm glad to hear that you're both healing. I totally hear you on the fearing the pain. That's me all the time. I don't always get the really painful ones, but when I do, I can't tolerate it. You and Susie are onto something, though, with the vulnerability. You know what I'm envious of? The fact that you and she can cry about some of the things that make you vulnerable. I don't seem to feel a need to, so I don't think I'm resisting anything, but....I've always wondered about the great release I read others having. Maybe one day!

    Thank you for sharing your heart.

    Hugs,
    Sadie

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    1. Sadie, thank you for your kind and perceptive comments.

      I think that deep down that need to feel vulnerable is inbuilt, but that for some of us it is elusive in one way or another. Eventually when you are in the right place mentally, it will come. When it does, all sorts of amazing physical and mental things will start to come into focus.

      Hugs
      Ami

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  13. Hi Ami, what a great post. I really like the part when you come to the end of the road and see the river ahead....what a great adventure! It is good news to hear you are both feeling good after all the travails of the summer!

    Now about not asking for a spanking....lots of emotional reasons and I understand your trepidation; a plethora of what if this or what if that happens afterwards. The unknown is always scary, especially since it has been a while.

    But look at it this way for a moment. What if the situation were reversed. What if there was something (not spanking) that Dan was wanting but was for what ever reason hesitant to ask. What would you want him to do?

    Not to make light of your conundrum, but I will tell you that Nina has not spanked me for a couple of months and so I can somewhat relate to your circumstance. How about I ask Nina for a spanking and you ask Dan, then we both will be sitting on a sore bottom this weekend! ..... just a thought :-)

    Hugs and Blessings,

    George

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    1. Oh George you don't know how much I am chuckling.

      But I think when we have been as close to someone as we have both been all these years, we always expect them to be able to mind-read, and I am having such trouble trying desperately not to 'control' that I have now found it almost impossible to come right out and "ask" for a spanking. Stupid, but true.

      As I am late in answering this, I now know the next steps along our road, but believe me, it doesn't get any easier. Certainly not where my bottom is concerned!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  14. Hi Ami, oh dear, did I let Scrappy escape to your place? Sorry!

    I'm sorry it has been such a rough summer for you and Dan and am glad you are both on the mend. So happy to hear about Dan's test results. Fantastic news!

    As you know, ttwd has been pretty much on hiatus here for a while. Although some aspects have remained spanking has been few and far between and of the 'fun' variety. I have been struggling a bit to cope with them, I think due to the combination of the length of time between and not being in the submissive mind set without much of our overall dynamic.

    I totally understand your dilemma here . You know you need it so take the plunge and tell Dan. Tell him your concerns about resuming spanking too. Given my struggling Rick has gone easier and I am sure Dan will. I do think easing back into it and taking it slow is the way to go. IMHO.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. You know, Roz, I was thinking about your Scrappy the whole time I was writing this! I just had to bring him in somewhere along the line!

      I now realise, more than ever, how very different fun spankings are from the discipline variety! When I get my mind around it all, I will attempt a new post telling you what happened next - on the very day you wrote your comment.

      Many hugs
      Ami

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